.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I talk to myself from the inside.

You are a zombie. You are a zombie. You are a freaking zombie. You're a heartless, brainless zombie. Look at your dead eyes. Oh look at that. Zombie.

My dead eyes still.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and inside, I go, mm I look fine. A little smile will do. Yep, fine as usual. Like nothing happened. Very fine. Yup. Life is a pain in the ass, and we're much tougher than that. We're very tough. We live. Living is so hard but look at me, I'm here. Hah. Hahhaaas what worse could happen when the worst has already happened? Nothing else can break me. Hah. Try me, seriously. Life, come at me.

More like everything can....

I don't remember myself being this weak piece of shit. Crying at stupid shit things. I don't remember myself being so shit, I don't remember myself being triggered by just one word, and my night could be ruined.

Why do I care? It wouldn't be any big deal if I give zero fucks. I reject people, heartlessly. I spoke to half-blood prince like he has no heart. Like he was that creep. Be it. Leave. I'm used to these kinds of things. Why do I bother myself when I think it's wrong whatever I did to you?

I always tell myself. Don't get used to anything, so I have nothing to lose. It's too late. It's too late.

Over and over again.
Was it unreasonable? Was my decision unreasonable? It wasn't, I think it wasn't. But it probably hurts you. And that matters. And Idk what to do. Cuz insisting it would be painful for awhile. But if the wrong goes on forever, it'll be so hard to heal. It'll be so bad. It'll hurt really bad. Just if, if things go wrong like not we planned.

Think about it. Things always go wrong. We can't help it. We can do some things to lessen the impact. To make it hurt less. Things never go the way we plan.

Do you know what wood used to say?
"I'm definitely marrying you."
There was a time, he told me to fuck off.
It hurts so much I don't want to remember.

I believe we will not go tru all that shit. But I believe, things wouldn't go as we planned too. I don't know. Will you be temporary? I hope not. but not my decision. No matter how, I have to do what I need to do.

Was it unreasonable? At the end, I still think, it's the best for us.

.

I can feel it everytime I tell him to give up.

It's an instant cold, and numbness everywhere. And I get this lightheaded feeling. Like whenever I get a fever. It's dizzy, confusing. Everything in this world is annoying. Like I need to lie down and kill myself. So I have to turn off all the sounds. I've got to stay somewhere alone.

If it's too late, the sounds are necessary tho.
To cover mine.

Please make it stop. Please, make it stop. What would ever make it stop?

It's going to be like that for a long time, at least for the deal it's four years.

Four years is actually so long. How to live like that?

It's gonna be like that for awhile. It'll be temporary. Even the worst pain fades. So it'll be over. Just wait. Patiently.

Cuz I know. One day, just one day I will succeed. And I don't regret, because it's for his own good. It's for his own good. Yeah. It's better like this.

The worst things you can do is drag. Drag, and give the other person hope while you don't even know what's with your heart.

Maybe wood was like that. He didn't mean to make me this way. He left me alone to overthink and fuck myself up because he was confused himself. He didn't mean to break me. Yeah.

I thought I handled these well. I thought I wouldn't do whatever wood did, cuz it hurts. I gave wood a direct "leave", but I kept moon hanging. Like how wood kept me hanging.

Look what I've turned into..

You don't wanna be like me.

I don't want to make you so shitty. Cuz my life is so fucked up. I really hate it. idk what to do. Can't you just tell me what to do?????

.

Sometimes, certain lyric hits me hard. Then I'd rethink everything again. He broke me. I broke him back. I might break another him. I'm gonna break them both. Then break myself. What shit is wrong with me.

Sometimes I wish I'm extremely extremely ugly as fuck and don't even have passion towards anything, so I wouldn't fall for anyone, and no one would fall for me.

To me, humans with passion would be the most attractive ones. I think that's how people fall for each other. Maybe it's just me. But really. Even humans with weird passion could be really attractive.

(I'm saying this like I'm not a human lol)

It's inevitable, right? As long as we live, we break people, or we let them break us. So I just have to choose.

All this time, me convincing my shitty self to not have feelings.... Did I succeed?? Definitely nope. Just because I don't wanna admit it, doesn't meant that it's not happening.

I know I'm a bitch. I gave you this, this much hope. I accepted the way you treat me nice. In return, I gave you this special treatment.

I know I'm a bitch. I was overfriendly. I was really wrong. And there's no turning back.

I think one day I would accept you. I think.
But that doesn't make my current actions non-bitchy.

As long as I'm not ready, I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. I should keep my distance, and make you keep yours. We should keep distance.

I think it's very reasonable, right?

It's good for you and me.
I know you'll always be there for me. I'd be there for you, too. But. This distance is a must.

You need more time to take a good view about me. Am I what you really want? Can you stand my shitty shits? Can you accept me being stubborn as fuck? Can you live with my crazy insecurities and doubts? Would you stay if I tell you to leave?

Because no matter what, I'd be okay to be alone. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with. I'd always tell myself that you're gonna leave. I'm gonna do that for the rest of my life. To reduce the pain. One is enough to almost kill me. Responsibilities are dragging me away from death. You know. If it wasn't them, I'd be dead long ago. Like a year and a half ago. I lived like this, and you fall for me when I'm like this.

I'm surprised you didn't leave when you found out how I think. How much shits I have in my head. I'd go crazy. And you still want me. I'm gonna ask you the same question from time to time. Are you sure? Are you sure you can handle my bullshit? Cuz I can't, I'm gonna have mental breakdowns occasionally. I'm gonna go crazy from time to time, I'm gonna make myself go insane and insist telling you to give up.

I'm reallllyy sorry...

We start life as a soft mushy thing.
And then when we get pelted with rejection,
We transform into a tough unfeeling and a highly efficient robot
Piloted by a soft mushy thing.

That soft mushy thing inside would always think, and think, reprogram all the self defense system, to stay alive, stay safe...

But it's still that painful.

What do I do?

Badminton during TSUNAMI

I think I exceeded my quota. I'm supposed to play badminton not more than three times a week, including training. Well, this week I played..... Four times. Yep. I exceeded. The only excuse I'm gonna give myself would be.... One of the days we played it for free, cuz the court was in a friends' condo.

Then the other two days was to make up the number of people. Gosh. ET's Singapore squad. And they're very good! Most of them were good! Damnit. Good thing is we had fun. Badminton is indeed love. Damn, can anyone believe that I've actually thought of quitting my favorite sport??? Insane. They motivate me more. I wanna be this good. I wanna be that good.

Three days, I saw coach there. He's so cute. With that innocent smile. We waved each other with rackets. Today was training and tomorrow would be the competition. I can't believe coach gave me lesser trainingload because of it. I did half, whatever the rest of them did. Thank you coach! Love you loaddssss! He's the one that gave me hope when I thought I can't ever improve anymore. Cuz he made me did whatever I need.

Such an awesome coach.

.

Sometimes I thought stress might eat away my heart, and make me can't even play badminton properly. No that's not it. Badminton makes everything better. But, no that's not it.

Even at the happiest moment, I think about him. I think about him more these days, I don't know why. It's just lots of questions. How are you? Are you still always that sad because of me? Are you happy? Are you getting better?

When we wrap grips on our own... Wood used to wrap these for me so I don't have to learn.
When we played mix doubles... Wood used to cover me this much, I became a complete newbie.
When I have slight improvement... Wood used to say he thinks I won't improve, but look at me.
When we meet new people... Wood's gonna love to play with them, if we even stay friends.

It doesn't really make me depressed as fuck. But these are those thoughts, always there. Maybe because I recently dreamed of his mother, and him. I remember, he used to dislike LA. Even when I told him how it helped our family. Then his mom talked to him about it.
Did you tell her about us? How you feel, and how I'm reacting? Did you tell her everything?

I wonder if... Whether.... Why?

I can't shake away thoughts. I can just put them in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that they're always there in my head.

He was my first. The amount of... Everything I've gave him was just so much. So much and now I have nothing to give anyone else. I think I can't be with anyone anymore. I literally told moon to give up on me. He didn't, and we have a deal.

Sometimes I think I have complicated thoughts. Then sometimes, I think I'm actually very simple. I do what I want, I shoo whatever I don't want. But then. Is that it? Did I? I shooed wood away, even when he always occupies my mind. I shoo moon away when I do like him but maybe not enough to be with him. When I get really happy, I start to make myself sad by thinking bout sad stuff, making it all shitty again. Like what's happening now. When life is going fine, and I've released lots of shit stress from studies, I start to question this, question that.

At the end it drains all my energy.

Idk what's with me. But when everything's right, everything's definitely not right. Like it's not possible to be great. Life wants to kill us all. It wants us to be happy, then one day, take everything away, and make us empty. Yeah that's me. I'm back.

Don't get too happy. Just don't. The voices never leave. Yep they're back too. They were gone for a short while, but they're back now.

.

My head goes crazy at times. Most times. I still think of him. It doesn't hurt too much, usually it's okay to just have him flashing across. Sometimes it just gets more. Conversations. I think of our old talks. Everything, when he told me bout his mom. And what his mom said.

Sometimes my phone misses him. It's like I type this one word. The next suggestion would be "woodpecker". Hey, phone. You gotta move on too you know? Move on. Forget about him. There's no more woodpecker. There's no more wood.

And the sad songs. Related or not, he'd appear like that. Then the songs just get sadder. But at the end of the day, I deeply accept how we've become. How we made it end this way. Like hey that was such a previous history, and I'm never gonna forget it. It'll be in my head from time to time, but it's not gonna make me go mad like I used to. It's just... A memory.

And it's okay because it's the best we could do.

.

Nope you're better than that. There's another one and a half an hr lecture. That's all. Let's think abt the good things.

It will not last forever, cuz one day, we definitely die. We just have to wait until that day comes. I'd probably die young, so it'll be soon. Just he patience. Yep really patience.

No do Not skip chem. What else can I do?

I hate everyone.

Seriously! It won't last forever. Yeah. Yeah. Just wait. Maybe if one day I pray hard enough I could die right after a night sleep. It would be a blessing, not a curse to myself. But what do I do to deserve the shortest escape route?
Ha. Ha.