Throwing up

I think this is the last time I'll be drinking. I threw up in my room. First and the last time. My sister couldn't stand the smell. I cleaned up ASAP but it didn't make her come back. When my dad wakes up, I'm probably not gonna go out anymore.

I'm dead. I talked to ET, moon, Loong abt this. I can't believe he's still awake. He didn't even join us. I knew I was in a bad bad form today.

Please get well asap.

Ok I will, thanks Loong.. At the same time, I'm screwed. My sister went downstairs to sleep. Just because I threw up in our room. My stomach still feels like shit. Probably because I'm sick. I'm fucking regret that I drank with them and ignored the fact that I'm sick. I fucking regret.

If because of what my sister did today, and I started
having crazy stupid curfews,...... Idk what else can I say.

I screwed up..... There's ntg i can say.

7am. Usually I wake.up earlier to insomnia. I guess I'm too wasted to do that lol. I checked under my bed, she's here! Maybe I can make her shut up? My parents are going to China very soon, and she has terrible memory.

Honestly I couldn't make them getting blamed by my parents.

I already felt like throwing up BEFORE drinking. That's a fact. Another fact was just I shouldn't drink when I feel like shit. Shouldn't drink when the fever's not completely gone. Shouldn't drink when I already felt drunk without drinking.

Yeah... and I didn't even reach my limit.
My limit's not eight and a half.
My limit's twelve. The best form I could ever have, thirteen. 

Tbh I still feel like throwing up. Now. Fuck my life.

Two more pages.

Is it just me? Or the weather these days are really fucking cold?

Idk what I wanted to blog about. Today's a lot of stuff. I kinda accidentally told arrogant a lot of stuff. But I like his reactions, and everything he said.

I told him, I probably convinced myself to do this thing.
Then he replied, he used to control himself like that too.
But we're in a complete different case I guess.

Hey bruh, yip man. He said, he felt like he's repeating what he told you, to me. Lol. I guess you and I are super mutual.

Ok I'm dead.

I'm just trying to stay awake. And finish this chapter, but it seems so hard to make my brain work. It's so cold, I wanna throw up. NOT because of that apple cider, please.

Lol I remember once I drank a bottle and immediately felt slightly tipsy.

OK YH One more day to finish bio revision. Saturday I have to revise chem. Sunday I have to do some math again. So please stay strong.

Life pls stop making me nauseous Idw to throw up on my notes. It's so much hard work you know??
Come on. Two more pages. Let's do this. 

First day of A2

This is the first time I literally stayed up to work on math, with one hour sleep. Two days before the paper, I got nervous, I put my bio books aside and started with P1. Math, the fucking subject I hate the most. Why do I hate it? Tbh.... I never worked hard on it. Maybe, maybe everytime it confuses me, I stopped. It wasn't actually thaaaaaaaaaat hard.

P1. It makes me throw all sorts of stuff. It made me intentionally became fucking violent to every little thing on my messy desk. Idk how to do this. I tried to do it, I couldn't, then Google saves the day. Next question, same issue? Google saves the day. Slowly, I can do them. I can do other questions. Doing topical past year papers, I thought, I can't make it in time. I can't make sure I can master all chapters just in two days. But actually, I can... I should've done everything throughout the year, but I did all in two days. I thought, I gave up on trigonometry. I couldn't prove any identity, I'm too dumb to do this.... But what happened? I skipped all trigo exercises, but I did it today. I found an answer, and was certained of it. How can this happen? Just in two days? I remember yip man teaching me this four quadrant thingy. Yup it's useful, thanks bro...

I think lack of sleep makes my brain go blur. Not sleeping enough makes me play badminton like a super newbie. It makes me.... misread stuff too. I went to the WRONG exam class fifteen minutes early, and realized there's no one there. I thought I was early. I almost fucked up. I almost missed a paper! Can you believe it ? This is crazy. I actually ran to the correct place right after I found what I misread, and entered the exam hall RIGHT on time. With sweat dripping on the paper. I could do the paper. I missed out two to three small questions, but.....

Fuck, I think I did better than every other add math exams.


Bio in the other hand, I didn't prepare for this paper. I prepared P4, not P5. P5 is a fucking stupid paper. Tbh. But I think if I'm gonna proceed to biotech, I need to master that paper.

I think I'm pretty lucky. We went to library after math finishes. Then Orange sat next to me. I was hoping she'd sit further away because I'm too dumb to be seen studying. She told me her P5's fucked too, but definitely lying HAH She'd get an A+ and still whine. The lucky thing was she kinda offered me her stack of P5 for reference. (Yes I didn't do my stack so I had literally nothing to reference)

And because of that, P5 went ok. A walking dictionary sat next to me, who wouldn't take that opportunity? "What does this mean? What is this, how do you calculate this shit? " She taught me all. I wanna thank her crazily.

I found out, if I studied, or was prepared for a paper, I'd pray hard, "Please KNOW how to do, YH!"
And if I didn't prepare, "Please don't ask me to write about electrophoresis, or gene transfer, or microarrays, please just don't give those kind of topics."

And I was lucky gene transfer didn't come out. It was fucking hard.

Biodiversity came out instead. Phew. Not easy, but not as hard as gene tech chapter. T-T crying.

ET squad + pineapple

Today's actually... A very nice day. :) I always felt this happy after meeting up with pineapple lol. I think she spreads the positivity.

I'm thankful to everyone. Everyone was nice. I guess. I haven't been seeing pax for so long. He's still this cool. Duhhh. Good that he told me about his lecturer stress. :D Imma listener. Then I briefly intro the peeps. He told me, to not go to these places. Yeah.... I agree tho. Dangerous places. But I think we had a great time. He actually gave me a bag of secondhand shuttles. Lol thanks, that was random.

Today was a nice day. After badminton, Loong fetched both pineapple and I to a restaurant. Then we were talking about how she's a heartbreaker, how I then became one, seaweed, gabba, awwww memories! Great times.

Loong said I'm not playing well today. Yes, you are very accurate. I literally had bad bad insomnia so I got up to study, how crazy was that! I definitely didn't have enough sleep! At all!! And three hours badminton hahahahahaha so gg.

Your face wasn't changing at all, we are same.
Yeah kinda. It's a good thing tho. And at the same time it worries me. The nightmare is possible. Gg. Haih....

They said I improved in alcohol tolerance. Well, I didn't drink fast, so of course I didn't get close to drunk. Pineapple said I was becoming alcoholic. Tina said, slightly. Then they told ck and her about how I clinked glasses with the Singaporeans. Sounded like it was a good thing (when it's actually not) lol. And that I could take down crisp. Can I? V was like *huge eyes*.

How many glasses did you drink?
Eight and a half, sober AF. 
Laughs. Improve ady leh.

Let's go drink, you have car and you're free AF.
ah nope no thanks bruhs I have pineapple to fetch and lots of stuff to talk about with her haah.

Thanks bros for training up my tolerance.
Thanks V for being concerned when peck left without me.
Thanks moon for putting a can of 100plus in front of my bag reserved for me.
Thanks Loong and moon for remember the actual date I've booked them for karaoke.
Thanks everyone, who took care of me...

I kept thinking about that... Hey they are great peeps. I'm gonna appreciate this little chance that not everyone has. At first when they told me to intro peeps, I actually thought, I have to make sure that they're safe to be with then only I can trust my friends with them.. but now, I'm definitely not that worry if pineapple joins them without me haha.

Life's fun. Everything's good.
Hoho. I had two motives, sending pineapple home. I wanted to have more alone time with her,, and make myself more familiar with the directions to her new home. It was slightly confusing cuz I went there twice with two different ways. Is there so many ways to go to Mont kiara? One missed exit made me nervous AF. But still, could sing with the radio. I wasn't actually that nervous lol. One wrong exit and I almost got myself to old klang road, which is the way to scott garden.

One missed exit, but still, we had fun. Haha. There we go, about her boy issues, and mine, it was not that different tbh. "I think."
"SAME, BRO we are in the same situation." 
Idk I don't think so. I think...

At the end, I guess I screwed one of my motive. Didn't get to strengthen the memory for directions to her place, but I guess I know how to go to scott garden instead HAHA. But we did had lots of stuff spoken out. I felt like we haven't have catch ups like this for so long...

Sometimes, like with lychee, I felt we might be getting distant. Since the day you got into batai with lychee while I was away. Idk, I was actually... Prepared to have this friend gone. But really glad that we both still did put loads of effort, I guess. I guess we'll see who the real friends are when shits happened.

I wish ten years later we could still celebrate another anniversary. Haha. That would be cool. And hope this ET squad stays too, in our lives.

.

Sometimes Idk how to feel, being the last one to know. I can't believe I'd have to hear news from my bestie, or mom. Idk how to feel. Because I screwed up.

You know when you screwed up something, and you can't really fix it... The only thing you could do is stop. Stop all the things that has to be stopped, and hope for the best. What's the best? There's just... Idk.

You know a pure friendship would be screwed up after one starts romanticizing. Things will never end well. And at the end, there's no possibility of staying friends. UNLESS, silence from the single sided romanticization. For pineapple's case. For Shell's case, many typical human's case.

I'm so glad pineapple and yip man are girls. We can talk about everything, and... There won't be extra concerns. Friends that truly want to be in you for no other motives than just... Participating a part of your life, and giving the support for no reason. And we chose to be close, to talk about these things. We chose to do things for no reason.

Guys and girls would never have pure friendship I guess.

If you still like him, and he still likes you, why don't you two get back together?
Because of the way he treated me after we broke up. He doesn't give a damn about the damage he caused, so why let him back in?
Yeah true.

I guess I have nothing to say about that. Day by day, it's gonna go away, bit by bit. The importance, the trust, the type of concern.

Just like how wood left. He leaves, physically first, which immediately discontinued all the interaction we share. Slowly, communication. One sentence, I stopped tagging him. One word, I stopped texting him. Bit by bit, he becomes a single sided crush. A crush who crushed me. Haha. Bit by bit, I only care by sneaking up on social apps. So far maybe I've only reached this stage. Next, I wouldn't even type his name to swipe tru his photos. Then I wouldn't even think of him whenever I got slightly more tipsy. I wouldn't even cry when I drink.

Time wins. It brought him away, bit by bit. It could bring everything else away too, unless we all make an effort. Efforts are gonna be made, in between my psychs. Then the rest...... There's just nothing we can do.

Maybe because of the faults I've did for the past five months. I ruined everything. Knowing it wouldn't change the fact that I've did it. I didn't stop myself. I should've stopped myself earlier but look at me.

I deserve to not know anything at all. Not even the last one. Go on with your life. Leave, go far far away. And I'll be here, thinking how you'd be moving on. Get a great great life, and let guilt drown me. Officially.

Scott garden

Sometimes I question myself. Should I go? I have exams soon. I should probably not. I should say, no.

Meanwhile..........
"Jommmm." No hesitations.

When ET said it's cancelled, I thought fate led me the way. So I threw my phone aside and went to do my bio notes, spamming EDM again. A sudden urge made me check my phone. There it goes. Two miss call and a bunch of messages. It's on again. Let's go.

Yh, where's your little bottle?
How do you know I brought it?
You always did.

I'm proud to say I'm quite freaking sober this time. I kept count. It was crazy. The Singapore dudes are so exteme. Gold too was there. The second time seeing him after our birthday celebration. He's extreme. He said, half glass each lose. Ooh great. But there was once I chose three aces. Aces means drink. Three aces means.... One and a half glass. Okay. But gold took half for me.

ET told me to pick a song and made me sing. Oh gosh he triggered my singk mood.

我懷念的。

All is well, I've got to know three peeps. They're much older. Oh gosh really much older. One thing is they drink with ice. I don't really like ice. Pure beer is good enough. Pure everything is good.

It was cool. How they said, they'd do this and that if anything happens to me while they let me accompany gold's ride. But I guess he was sober. He said he'd let me drive if he wasn't ok enough to. Which is good. Then he told me about his sister. And him too. Hey yuk chaiian! Gime five man. Our conversation made me motivated tbh. He told me that his sister did science too and still struggling to get a related job. That's quite typical. And she has a phd. Wow. Makes me worry. I was thinking about getting a phd man. Damn.

Mom texted me. I'm relieved that I wasn't at the bistro at that time. Murni is good. Murni is love. They made me eat. So I snapped mom some pictures of chicken. Life's good. Everyone's cool. I kinda like that.

I spoke canto. It was freaking weird but I tried to sound normal. And they said, "Hey yh you spoke canto!" Yeah I did. I always knew how to. But I'm just afraid that I might accidentally embarrass myself too crazily.... And there goes some crazy ass topics.

The last thing ET said to me kinda got me.

Do you have anything towards Loong?

Do I ? All this time I told myself it's not a thing. It's something special because I had a nightmare about him being in danger. It's something that made me cry waking up. Something that made me checked on him every day in every short period. But that isn't exactly a thing, right?

I had that nightmare long ago before we were close enough. And I've said it out during ET's birthday. But is it a thing?

I'm not sure bruh. Maybe. Idk...
You gotta be sure about yourself.

Ahhhh.

Let's see how things go. I hope it's just nothing.

啄

人家說 借酒消愁，為什麼我會反效果？ 喝一點點會勇敢地把心想的都講出來。喝多一點點，不會消愁反而想起他。反而大哭一頓。

我們根本可以不用搞到這個局面
啄我們可以不分手
如果你當初能提早跟我說
你覺得我不會為你改掉你不喜歡的嗎
你覺得我不會體諒你所做的嗎

我可以慢慢和你說 你為什麼就不坦白
忍 到最後大家都辛苦
你是笨蛋嗎 ？
都一起了有什麼不能說
非要等到忍不住了就提分手？

一年半

我是怎麼活的 你不好奇嗎？
你要複合
當初我要複合的時候你怎麼對我
你記得嗎？
你讓我 生不如死
我一次又一次 對自己說 你不會這樣的
你不會這樣對我的
”別再欺騙自己了，他不會回來的”
結果你完完全全證明了你會
複合？ 你能放任自己那樣對我了

我拒絕 你能怪誰
以後別做朋友啊

反正都過去了
我陪你演一輩子
就讓我們尷尬一輩子

有一天如果喝多了不會想起你
代表我終於放下了。

啄 愛上你是我這輩子 最 白痴的舉動。

重點是過了那麼久 還是痛。