Circles

"I have no idea yet."
"Then figure it out."

"My plans are doing this for now."
"You should reconsider that."

It's fun when nothing's going wrong. When everything's perfect, I'd like to snap. I always thought, we should take a very complete group photo. It's very hard when the group is big. It's hard to even make sure everyone arrives. Like my coursemates. The last paper was math. Everyone attended, of course! The science students and econs students finally meet up, but was it done? Nah. Why is it hard to capture the perfect moment? Maybe it's just not possible?

They're no big deal, actually. But time is the culprit. It moves so fast, we forget. We forget that things used to be like that. We remember the newer great times that some peeps go missing one by one. Good times.

We keep this love in the photograph.

Maybe it doesn't have to wait till the boys find their loves. Time, dramas can split them sooner before their perfect matches show up. Even before my degree starts.

I miss saying "I'm hapi". It's worrisome. When I dine with them, and hear very unobvious stuff in canto. Definitely drama that they tried to keep it low. But bro. I understand canto. Smartasses know how to gossip. They just say them all, without mentioning the names. I'd quietly make guesses, then attempt to get some confirmation.

He had diminished issues with her.
Then minor issues within the other her.
Then major issues with the boys.

Oh my god.

I always thought about peeps around me. The ones that know all about my recent stuff would be... Yip man, pineapple, moon and arrogant. Those that I update once awhile, Lychee, seaweed, lcw, drama queen, my cousin. Those that do care but doesn't know a lot, wood, and maybe ET. Yeah he does.

It's small circles usually between just two of me and any of them. Many circles. It's less dramatic when they all don't know each other.

Sometimes I think, the knot between the boys aren't looking good at all. It all looks ok when you don't know, but when you're told, you could sense the ice, the inner shit wars. Big groups are mad. Sometimes I think it's okay to have a knot. It's life, man. Natural selection. As long as you're good with your real circle, then it'll be good. They'll be there for you and it's okay no matter how groups split, cuz the group aren't real anyway...... It's like one day if the March intake girls and Jan intake potatoes split. It's no big deal. It's a big group, sugar coated happy family but actually small circles within......

Is my negativity kicking in?
Oh shit. But it's true fact! Big groups are meant to physically hold us together. And if we don't click, it's okay. Just like if the Balau peeps split. Balau-ans were never one team anyway......

I'm trying to be positive you see.
Balau can split. But yip man will always be my bestie. My own little circles will stay tight. That's the best thing life can give.

When everything is going right, we don't notice.
But when things fall apart, we react.
Maybe the key to happiness,
Is just noticing.

So let's accept it. Big groups will split. In many ways, it will. And it's okay when it happens.

Maybe this was also one of the reasons I'd see Moon and ET differently, but maybe no longer that way. No longer that way just right after seeing how it really is. They do have big groups. But not all of them are that kind. Seems like small circles in big groups are inevitable. If one person has a group of 10 friends with ALL equally extremely close, that I call a freaking miracle.

Ipoh.

We finally went Ipoh. Guilts finally gone from that Saturday night. It was tiring. I forgot to bring my pillow. Disaster. Mom was a very unsteady driver. She couldn't get use to speeding, she drove so.... Unsteadily.

The first thing I did in my grandparents' house was killing an average sized cockroach with a freaking twisties' empty package. Ew.

We visited granpa but he was unresponsive. Then we went for dimsum in grandma's first recommended place. Fucking delicious. Fuck. Then food, then food. And food. Oh my. Then.... Oooh I got myself nice earrings again! Back to grandpa.

It was cray. Everyone was having battery crisis. I was the only one who had powerbank, and my sister used it up. Zzz. It was cray. I had terrible muscle pain in both arms due to push ups, in both legs due to crazy lunges and high jumps, & running, right arm problem due to overwork again. And the right palm. Why? I had no idea for that. Feeling like a damn OKU. Still satisfied with yesterday's badminton.

This time we stayed longer in the hospital. My cousin, Sweet was there. She's so pretty. Damn. We talked bout loads of stuff. Studies to jobs to what we're up to recently then to sports and to friends. She said she went to Kuching for four days and her dad only asked where she went at the last day. Crazy. Then curfews. "Don't you have curfews?" I do. I do. Sis actually mentioned she knew. Oh my god. She said right after that day I threw up, she's more sensitive to the smell of beer. So she could smell it whenever I drank. And she said, there was once it was obvious, I got home, with the lights on, and the door of our room left ajar, I layed on the floor, knocked out. Actually, I do remember this happening. But she saw???? Omg. Somehow... Thanks for not telling dad. Hmm. Very crazy discovery.

I sat at a single seated sofa in between grandpa and the visitor couches, which is facing the curtains. It was lucky that I caught one moment that grandpa opened his eyes. So everyone rushed over to talk to him. "Pa, everyone's here, can you hear us?" He nodded a little. "Are you hungry?" He shook, then eyes went shut again, as if it takes all his energy to open both eyes.

The aim is to visit grandpa. But I think, most of the time we walked around and hunted for food, so much good food, fattening AF.

All the way home, I was thinking bout loads of stuff. Bout everyone I know, everything they said, what's gonna happen in the future, what's gonna happen when I get my results, when I get a job. Are they gonna stay? Then I thought of dad. All dad's friends are either married or divorced. They hike every weekend. Maybe they are gonna stay once things are settled down, when the little ones grow up. Trips still happened. Everything is possible. Mom's squad also hiked. Maybe the squad would split, but as long as everyone has the will, I guess they'd meet annually. Like a CNY reunion thing. Updates, and yeah things might go well and back to crazy.

I think I get why the topics were like that.
I think I know what to do. Or am I overthinking again?

No... No no. No. I'm supposed to notice when things are going right. Fuck. Wait.
Ok these days my mind aren't going right. The voices seemed like they're coming back.
Terrifying.

Wood's replied to my snaps more often this recently, but I don't think he's affecting me. He's concerned, and that's sweet. Sometimes, I thought, what if I got into Inti this year Aug? We gonna be in the same uni. He'd bring me around to tour the campus. He'd become my friend. What should I do? Treat him like a new friend? Or reject any requests he tries to do? He's just a kind person, he'd to that even if I'm not his ex. But what's gonna happen? Will we get to know each other new again? Are we gonna be awkward? Is it possible that the thing we had revives? Too many questions, I couldn't continue my sleep in the car.

"Bring yourself out of the sadness, and try to accept new chances."

Could wood be one? I'm not sad anymore, right? Am I? He says, it's easy cuz I don't talk the same when it's related to him.

So messed up. So messed up.

What do you mean by if he could handle? Sometimes I think, there's nothing he couldn't handle. But that's not really it.
I'm curious af. And a little worried. Please don't be anything scary.

Tomorrow would be a scary day. A battle for someone. A scary thing would be revealed. I wish nothing goes wrong. I wish it goes ok, and the scary thing turns out to be not scary at all.

Zzzz.

Clothes

Mom, I think we need to shop.

I told mom, recent weeks I've realized something from my wardrobe. I have so many T-shirts, very simple T-shirts but almost no smart casual clothes. Why the hell...

I've pictured myself going to work. What would I work as? Would it be like they say? Going for a science degree but ending up as a business person? Or would I stay in the lab? Honestly lab is okay for me. What if I really do end up in the lab? I'd be wearing lab coat daily. All I need to wear for work would be just simple T-shirts, and everything would be covered by lab coat.

I still told mom. Mom, I think I'm lacking real clothes. She said I'm growing up. HAHA. Crazy. Maybe my perspectives changed that's all. I used to tell mom, your clothes aren't normal, weird af.

"So now you categorized my clothes as normal, and your T-shirts as childish."

Yeah... So let's shop HAHA. I'm quite worried tho. What if I got myself two sets of "normal" clothes. When I go to work, am I wearing those two DAILY??? Oh my. Mom says that's why there are so many shopaholics, clothing market won't ever die.

Badminton 5 hours

Honestly my mind is so messed up, but I'm speechless af. 

"Do you want to let go?" 

You do know what to ask, what to ask to make me quiet. Do I?

Badminton was crazy today. Really crazy. Two and a half hours training, three hours for fun. Training was crazy already. I slept late because I was rushing to erase everything off the books. Good news I've sold two of my A levels books. Three to go, probably very hard tho. Arrogant was so lazy. Hmph, he drank from my bottles because he forgot to bring his. But his hotspot was life savior. Training wasn't good. 8 matches, 3 wins. 5 loses, lost 2 matches from one same guy. Ugh it was so close! Then I lost to the little girl? Damn. That was freaking embarrassing, but she got me. A very great liar. I mean. Her shots were tricky, so yeah. Sed. Coach wasn't here, so we did different stuff. It wasn't that fun. Aw. But still tiring af. I think my thighs died after training. The next three hours I'd die. 

ET picked me up thanks to the very kind arrogant. Second round was crazy. 3 hours! I trashed Sean. Sorry bro. Then, AM and I beat doctor and MJ. IT WAS SO AWESOME! Damn. I think my smashes were ok today. Only hit the net about once or twice? And some drops were on point. Satisfied. Loong was tired af today. Sorry man. My smashing form wasn't always good so I had to make use of it. He was damn exhausted. Honestly everyone was pretty tired at the end. Cuz some of them left early. Hah. Awesome. But I think I'm not gonna play like that next time. Hmm. I freaking sprained my left ankle twice, and the arm problem came back. Damn it. 

Then Loong, ET and I ate dinner. 

That's when the scary topics blurted out. They talked about marriages! Damn. Actually I've thought about that before. I've thought about what would happen when the entire ET squad gets married. Then the squad will...... split? It's such a depressing thing to think about, but not exactly depressing. Hey you guys are building a family, building a home. It's cool, it's nice. Nothing depressing. Just that... Friends disappear like that, right ? I don't wanna grow up. It would be so awesome if I stay 19. I'll keep stressing over little things. They'd have fun all the time. How awesome is that? It's just not that awesome for me cuz... I'd be here looking for badminton lovers. I'd be empty without you guys, but that's definitely inevitable. I'll just... Appreciate whatever fun we can have for now, so it'll make great memories I guess...... Still depressing. Ugh. I'm gonna miss them a lot. Like really a lot. 

I remember when we first know each other. ET said he could make me fall for him if he wants. *silently judging*, I thought, I don't trust you. When he said, hey bring your friends in. I also thought, I don't trust this squad yet. Over time, I do. Haha. Not the whole squad, but maybe just ET and Loong. I've brought pineapple in. I brought my ex in. I trust you people, in terms of friends. It's rare to see bromance already. In terms of friends, you guys are good peeps. Okay? Argument invalid. Who would rush out just after receiving two words? "Accompany me." Who would do that? It's pure bromance man! This is what they do when one gets drunk. This is what they do, when shits happened. It's sweet. It's not bad at all. Why do guys wanna be bad? Crazy. It seems like their definition of bad is when it comes to relationships. The seriousness. Hmm.

I told them that recently, beer is irritating my stomach just right after few sips. They say it's normal, sometimes the form goes off. Uhm. Phew I thought something was wrong with me... 

Something was wrong with me tho. 

I'm getting better. Really. 

You said you're getting better but, let me ask you. Have you let go of your ex? Do you want to? 

I didn't give him any answer. I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride back home. Erm. 

Sometimes, I don't really understand how ET gets these things. I never really told him bout wood. I never told him much bout how it went, the entire year after the breakup. I rant a lot, but never to him. How does he know? Crazy. Do I want to let go? How did you know I didn't want to let go? He can make me open up the box. The only thing I want to put aside, he can make me flip tru and face the shits, until they are really completely gone. Do I want to let go ? 

It's alright you can think it tru, if it's not working then tell us, we can go out and talk, we can accompany you and you can let it all out. 

I want to let go. But I don't want to face it. I don't wanna open it up. You get what I mean? Why do I have to face shits that makes me sad if I finally can live in peace, even with the illusion that it's gone? It finally stopped affecting me, why should I face it again? 

When we broke up, I remember I had to put up a smile, because can't let parents know. 

Me too, you know, me too, man. 

To get straight A's you gotta work on it. To let go, you have to work on it too.

How ? 

I'm so messed up. 

He says he couldn't really advice on this past shit. But he'd be there, they'd be there from now on. 

"Thank you." 

"Thank me by moving out of the sadness." 

Thanks ET. You are a keeper. 

Receiving help

It's saddening to see people around you being sad. Like all of them. When you start to rant, you rant and rant, suddenly they burst and start to rant too. The whole situations turned upside down, and you become the one who's trying hard to comfort her. Hey. Oh my god, this is bad. This sounds bad. I thought arrogant wasn't talking about recent stuff that day. Turned out it was so freaking recent I wasn't even updated with those issues yet.

Musically, tbh I'm almost as dead as you are. Three days practicing, bar chords aren't improving. I don't even know how to feel stressed out anymore! I know how I act when I'm stressed. Definitely not this chillax. I do understand what you meant when it comes for playing the wrong things even when you're freaking familiar with everything already. It's like me doing math. Oh my. Can I not recall that? Nightmare AF. I'm quite surprised I didn't shout the vulgar words when I drank. Too chill.

Bro you have time. At least you have time. Yes I think talking to me definitely wouldn't help. I mean, duh. You sounded so helpless. I'm sorry that I'm not born a motivator. You need wood's very motivational talks. Haha. I'm really sorry. Sometimes I would really wanna drive to your home and physically be there to cray with you. For a little bit of positivity. But I duno where you live now. Uh. I miss you bro. But thanks for telling. For allowing me to be one of your listeners. Ok pls be honoured, cuz... You're the one I text whenever I thought I couldn't blog about stuff, whenever I thought...... Blogging helps no more. Just cuz you're this awesome and I wouldn't want this friendship to slip away easily.

It takes a lot of courage I guess. For someone to trust another. To trust crazily like how I trust you. My sister said, it scares her, she wouldn't let one person know totally EVERYTHING about her. I'm not sure. I already let you. So tbh you could easily backstab me. But I don't see why. Cuz you love me too right? <3

Back to main shit. Oops.

Not everyone allows you to help. I remember when one day I was depressed af. Everything triggered me. So at the end I ran to my bed crying. Haha. Fuck. Mom knew. She was asking me, why ? Why was I crying so hard? I told her, leave me alone. Can't you stop asking? Because I don't wanna tell. I don't wanna tell. I told her again and again, with a very fucked up state, please just please leave me alone. Then she said, if I'm still with wood, she'd know that we quarrelled, but we broke up so what's the matter? That's the matter! We broke up! (Obviously I didn't tell her that.) I never told her. I never told her how the pain lasted for an entire year. I'm sorry mom. She was so worried. I felt really bad tho. It's just. A personal thing I don't want to let my family know. My sister never seen my cry from the break up, so she assumed I was always perfectly fine. Little does she knows, she kills me. She kills me by teasing me. So easy to fake a smile, a laugh. It was so easy. But I had to, right? Because I couldn't and can never appear vulnerable in front of her. Man up. I've got to do that.
I wouldn't let mom help. And dad never asked. Dad never been through much stuff tbh. Mom was dad's first love. It was sweet they lasted this long and still staying strong.. sis never dated anyone, she doesn't understand. I never told them because.... Just because.

I really hate myself when I overthink. Is that necessary? Yes! No! Sometimes I was right! ... But... Haiz. I'm sorry for taking each and every reply too seriously. That was annoying right? Maybe I wasn't comfortable enough with you like I was comfortable enough with yip man, pineapple they all. Maybe I was just too prepared for you to leave. I didn't have confidence in us. I even talked to yip man to rant and asked what to do about us. It's different cuz I don't see myself talking to pineapple bout what to do with yip man, or vice versa. It's just I duno...... Maybe just because you used to like me. And I thought it all would change right after that feel leaves. I thought, when I'm no longer your crush, I'm nothing left.

Didn't all cases end like that? Look what happened to all the boys that confessed to me. They disappeared. Hahaha. Dream talked to me once in a blue moon, same for Iv, at least we talked like old friends. Jin disappeared completely, that crazy ass Mba junior too disappeared. Only gabba remained a close friend for some time then disappeared. Wood became my ex, which then disappeared because it was necessary. Overall everyone disappeared. Ha. It's inevitable for me to think that you'd disappear too right? ...... I'm truly sorry.

Maybe you're different.

"Maybe you're different." I told myself that when I dated wood. Haha. Honestly I lost faith in guys when I saw none of my friends' relationships lasted. But I kept telling myself, wood was different. Wood was different. Wood was still different, because we broke up in a very stupid way, which is stupid. But... Inevitable. I shall stop using it.

Im sorry that I'll always expect you to leave. Still.

Friends

Obviously I have too much time to think about stuff nowadays. Holidays can kill. It eats up our minds, and force us to deep think about stuff that might not even exist. Do they? I don't even know anymore.

Friendship.

It's scary af. You give someone everything. You might not get treated the same way. You treat her as your bestie for many many years, but she quietly thinks that this friendship is dying. At the end it takes some time for her to realize, it was herself which wasn't giving enough effort. It takes some time for her to realize that actually they both love each other.

"He's one of my best bros. " But did he think the same? We never know. People getting involved in his life would know. I know. Being at the side slowly seeing things happen, wow that was sad. You never know.

Did I done something wrong to you? I don't understand. Maybe recently I've not been telling you much, so you didn't wanna tell back. But honestly. Ok? Ok????? Is that it? Did I done something really wrong to you??? I'm really confused.

During one particular period, I was like a prideless idiot. I allowed wood to treat me like I'm not more than a fucking tree. I allowed that. It fucking sucks when you try to talk, you wanna ammend, but you get nothing. You get zero replies, a word reply, a letter reply. K.

Wood I really need to talk to you.
*Seen*
Oh it's nothing! It sure gave me endless nights. It gave me loads of shits to rethink. It made me want to really punch the damn wall and ask myself seriously, why can't he just talk to me? I just wanna fix our relationship, why can't communication solve everything? Why he doesn't even wanna try and give us a little chance? Why did he do that? Why can't ge just let me in??? Am I that terrible? Does he hate me that much that he can calmly watch me die like this?? He's killing me. I can't do this anymore. I got to give up. No. Maybe he's just busy? I'm probably too annoying... I'm tired. Why is that I couldn't study? Why is he always on my mind?

So many unanswered questions. Gone. I don't even care anymore. That prideless idiot died. But it still scares me. Wood was feeling hopeless in me. He acted that way because I was such an idiot. Who would wanna talk to a brainless idiot like that? Just let her die.

Am I thinking too much? Or did I really done something wrong? I know I've done wrong lots of things. I know recently I've been a burden, a trouble. Why would you wanna tell me? Do you regret for letting me know things? Do you regret for introducing me to your friends? Take it back. Take me back to where I belong. What are you thinking?? I shouldn't even ask. I can't even ask anymore. Well, I deserve to sit here and frustrate until I stop living.

I want to ask you. Am I one of your closest friends? I thought I was. I thought I am. So I was wrong? At the same time, what are you to me? Why do I care? How can I let shits happen if I do? I'm sorry for not telling you much recently. I didn't want you to know a lot of stuff. I didn't want to give you more shits to think about. Is that wrong? Or what is it, why "Ok"?

....... Fuck.

I don't understand why, why is it such a struggle to start a convo? Why is it hard to just ask, "how was the interview?" Why can't I ask, "How's your friend? Is he getting better?" Why do I not dare to ask these stuff now? Why Ok? Why is it so hard to get information out from you? Are you tired of me? Or did you think I did something wrong behind your back or what? What can I tell? I only have my friends, and your friends. If they really are your friends, why are you afraid of letting them know about anything??? Plus... I don't even know what are secrets anymore. It's so hopeless. I'm fucked.

Again and again, dramatic shits happening. Hey yh. You should stop getting involved. Stop human connection. Or is that possible???? .... What did I do?

Thoughts of an unemployed

"I'm now theoretically unemployed."
"No you're not, you're a college grad."

I really hate being a jobless useless parasite. I know what I'm supposed to do. I have exactly 13 days to guitar exam. Grade 8 is not easy. I didn't touch aural. I'm completely doomed. My fingertips skin hasn't grown back yet. I need them there for me to practice for hours, madly. I need those thick skin, man. Now every time after a short break, it forces me to have this small preparation for incoming pain. As a guitarist. It still hurts. Yes. Maybe just for a terrible guitarist who has no damn hope but still aims for high distinction. I'm a fucking piece pf shit idiot. Mr Fung's a lot more worried than I am. I am worried, when I realized I couldn't play my third piece. It's a hard piece. Full of bar chords, that requires a lot of fucking stamina. I pressed hard. There was still no sound. I'm totally fucked.

I tried. I picked up the guitar, I played, I swipe my phone a little, I continue to play, then go down for food, then come back up then play, then rest then play then fuffffffkcehdneknd I'm so pissed. I'm a jobless parasite who only has one task. That is,, to get a high distinction. After two weeks, I'll figure out my next task, but for now, I just have to do this. But it hurts so much. It's crazy. I can't do this. So I went back to the park. It's disappointing to not see the park uncles. I missed them. It's disappointing to not see that black pup who always wagged it's tail to greet me whenever I pass by. It's disappointing I don't see any of it's friends in the house, wagging their tails from behind the glass. It's disappointing I don't see anyone that I used to see.... I ran. Not a lot, 1km in the park, 1km on the treadmill due to rain. Did loads of ab exercises, did plank. I missed plank. But I struggled, doing a minute. I struggled doing 45secs side planks. I'm getting fatter. Why? My appetite definitely increased. I drink. Now I have to work more to get back abs. I don't know how. Haha. I need to work more. I need to cut down food, cut down anything fattening. Beer is no problem. I'm cutting down already anyway. Food is a bigger problem. It's killing me, my midnight cravings. It's crazy. I want to eat this. I want to eat that.

Moon snapped me. He's pretty sad. Ah.. I somehow feel like I'm seeing a sad version of me, from 2015.

I wanted to talk, but I didn't want to be that burden. So I blogged, and blogged, and blogged. I thought the best listeners got tired of me. I thought I was too annoying, I was a burden, I was starting to be a little too... I don't know. It's like I'm telling you stuff, but you probably think it's no big deal, but it was a big deal. Like I was making a fuss out of nothing. I don't know. At the end... I need your help, but I don't know how to ask for help. So instead of asking, I just type. I write diary entries about him, so much. I wrote it every time he gives me tiny hopes that our love wasn't broken just bent, and we could learn to love again. I wrote it everytime I thought it was the end of us, complete end. Idk. Haha. I don't know. It does sting when I try to do this. When I mention it. Haha. Oops. Sometimes I thought, all about wood has been packed nicely, into one particular box. In my daily life, I won't ever touch this anymore because... I just don't. Because I'm not sure if I'm over with us. Because when I think back, it still gets me. Sometimes I thought I have no rights to fall for another person. I have no rights to doubt about myself, whether I'm having little feelings for someone else. Cuz of this box. I have no rights to fall for someone else when this box still exists at an important spot in my heart.

Did you know? That undescribable feeling when all you want to do is for things to be fixed, for everything to go right? When things accidentally went wrong and you can't do anything about it and you just have to watch everything you love slip away from your arms. One mistake made him never comes back. It hurts so much you want to make it right but you can't, and the more you try, the worse it gets. It kills you bit by bit, every fucking day. It eats you up, you went to college daily feeling like nobody in this world gets what you're thinking. Nobody gets how much you want to die, to end all of this. You talk to people. You laugh at how adorable their hopes are, and you get envious. You want to hope again but you couldn't.

I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. I'm glad flashing back wouldn't trigger a fucked up night. Phew I'm ok to type this. I'm probably ok. Yep. It's just a bad memory. Yeah. Relax. Ok chill. I'm not like that anymore. It's been a long time since the last time I had these kinds of nightmares. It's been awhile since I felt living was as terrible as nightmares.

I'm not sure how the shits ended. But.. I'm happy it's all over. Idk what helped. Many things helped. Badminton helped. Badminton fucked up my life but made my life better. Hmmmmmmmm. More like knowing older people helped. More like...... Listening to ET helped. Maybe you should try to talk to him? Haha. Or... I don't know. Talk to someone, really. Drinking wouldn't help. Drinking emphasizes the stress. From drinking a little more, I cried on your shoulder from guilt towards you because I missed wood. From drinking a little more, I acted the way I acted when I was doing math, I swore a lot, I scolded shits. Maybe just for me, but I think drinking is a lot more fun and better when I'm purely happy and not stressing on stuff.

Did you know why I always asked "Alone?" ? I figured it was pretty dangerous being alone when sad. I used to picture myself jaywalking, killing myself. I used to picture myself walking off high areas. Walking myself into death. I pictured myself making one turn. One turn could easily kill. It's just too easy to die. It's scary. Maybe the key to feel better, is just... Letting it out? Let the ones you care know better. Let them help you cuz they'd hate themselves if they knew that they didn't when they could.

Speak.