.

I realized sometimes I cry and cry, and punch the metal cabinet, hit the wall. Then I thought so hard, why am I being frustrated? Am I sad? Or mad? No. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

So I blog, and blog, I typed out a little summary of what happened, only I realized.

Oh.

This is why. And the solution? There is no solution.

I allowed someone to make me feel terrible.

This is why.

I'm so scared of losing myself, then blindly telling myself how happy I'm going to be, how worthy it will be after everything.

I know that that isn't true. I know that I couldn't just let the past repeat itself. Was I happy? Yeah I was. I was fucking happy.

Is the self defense helping me ?

I don't think so anymore. Maybe this was what holding me back during A levels. This is why I don't ever connect crazily with those coursemates. I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen in uni too.