.

I'm so tired. I thought everything was going fine. i went for a trip with him. The first day he reapproached me was on the tenth of August. It was the day A2 results was out. He knew because I announced for the A levels people to check theirs.

I told myself, he approached me. I know I gave up entirely on him. He came back. Maybe I should give it one last try. If we miscommunicate again, I'll make him fuck off my life.

Everything was going fine. I know that he wants me back, but I developed a self defense system. It was safe. I controlled well. Even if I had the urge to go back to him, I wouldn't tell him. i wouldn't make this reckless decision. As long as I'm free, I'm safe from bullshits.

We were too close. That was the only mistake. We spent the no class times together, meals together. Whatever he asked, I agreed. As long as it has nothing to do about going back to him, I agreed to be close with him all these times. When he invited me to a Ipoh trip, I said yes.

And that's where shits happened. I always felt bad for his bestie. He treated her like shit. I know he cares. But she's human too. She has feelings too. She's slow, but she gets hurt too.

Everyday I told myself, if we miscommunicate, leave forever.
Everyday I told myself, don't be reckless, observe more before I make a stupid decision.
Everyday I told myself, he wants me back, of course he would try to agree with anything I say.

And this is the day.

I realized I was really scared of making him pissed.
Scared of the miscommunication. No mstter how much I tell myself not to hope, but I fucking hope that the miscommunication will not happen. I hoped that one day it doesn't take so much effort to not live that carefully around him.

Why is it so hard?
And when we had arguments, why didn't I leave him forever like I promised myself to?

These two years, one thing that developed in me was be cruel to my heart. If it's fucking up my life, say goodbye no matter how painful it is. One thing that developed in me was be good to myself and throw away all the toxic despite that addiction.

So he got back into my life and fucked this self defense system up?

Why am I so scared to love?
Because it makes us so blind! They eat our soul up and we proudly allow them to! This is what it does to me.

Believe you? I don't know. It kinda sounds like "give me the power to destroy you".

I don't believe you. But my heart wants to believe you. After what happened, I was supposed to make you fuck off my life. But look at me dumbly telling you that I want us to talk peacefully.

Can you tell what's happening ?

The thing I most afraid is going blind like how I did two years ago. I feel so fucked up right now. I'm so pissed at myself. I'm so pissed that I couldn't cruelly tell you, "Fuck off."