Day15 workout streak

15 days streak.
So these days I added jogging into the list. I realized my stamina has gone down crazily. Felt really really ugh. So dad wakes me every morning. And every time I'm awake, I have that strong urge to just get back to sleep. How to overcome that?

I'm conscious. I should lay here wasting time. Get up and run. Ok. So I guess it worked. The time I spend struggling gets shorter each day. How bout the run?

We walk there, I have a million shits running in my head. Should I run? I'm so tired. So so fucking tired. How about I go and just do some random workouts? How about I just run one round? How do I overcome this?

I needa lose weight, and one round's almost nothing. So run. How many rounds? I get tired reaching 1.5 rounds. Then, my mind would be Nah I can't do it anymore. My left foot hurts. I'm dying. Ugh. How do I overcome that ?

I run two more rounds, and I'll be stronger than yesterday. Yes just two. So did it, dad be like Hey you improved.

Working out in the park, there are advantages. There's that super firm "bench". I guess we could do bench dips. I've always wanted to do that. But the chairs at home are just.... not reliable? Duno. And then there are the parallel bars. I wanna play with that. But Idk what to do yet. Dad could do pull ups. I wish I could do one. Just oneee.

Other workouts? Plank. Hah the worst of all: left plank. It's not improving yet since day 1. After everything, it's just too tiring to stay in that for a minute. So it remained a minute. And many times, I want to collapse before the time I should. And then I must think, there's few more seconds. Don't stop. I can't improve, but at least don't make myself as bad as yesterday. I'm supposed to improve!
*tadaa one minute*.

It's the most terrible month of my life(physically). Why. Starting is the hardest step. But then, when I successfully started, I have to maintain!! Fuck. Nothing should get into the way. And also the diet part.

Me: Mom can I eat a piece of peanut biscuit?
Mom: Why do you ask me?
Me: No I can't! *leaves sadly*

It's so hard. Ignoring the urge to eat chocolates and chips and MORE RICE, ignoring the thought of "I hate this vege and I'm not eating it", ignoring the urge to STOP running, ignoring the thought of "take a rest, take a rest forever".

Is this how you train that discipline?
I'm tired and I wanna relax. Let me play one round of this game.
No, I should study and I cannot stop UNTIL I'm done.

Dying. This is. Fucking. Torturous. Shit. Aaaaaaaah

Focus.

THIS is that habit I need to change:
Fucked up mood when wake.

I don't know too why am I so pissed.
Maybe I had a bad nap. Slept on the couch with a bad position. Everywhere soring, and I felt like I wasted some precious time that I should've used to study.

And then going to dinner requires 90% waiting, wasting petrol, wasting time, and I'm not even hungry! What the hell am I doing with my life.

Discipline. If I had that better, I'm definitely done with that chapter.

It's not that hard if it's full focus.
Ughh what am I doing..

%^#@&(!)$;;_

.

Overthinking kills.
And today it kills more, I need to talk

Because of that, I even turned on my WA last seen, to see whether my closest friends are asleep.

Yip man slept, all food friends slept,
My classmates too slept.
(I don't think I'll talk to them about it..)
There's just him.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me,
since he's the reason I'm awake.

They say, you cry until dehydrated,
You'll eventually fall asleep and wake up OKAY.

I don't think it works that way cuz when you wake
You wear a smile all day, and when midnight falls
the cycle repeats itself, and you'll hope you die.

Depressions never end.
Time doesn't heal, nothing gets better.

It's been half a year and it only got worse.
The pain doesn't go anywhere. It gets worse
And unbearable.
Only the acting improves.

At the end you could cold laugh to your sister
While tears streaming like fuck.
Hahahhahhahahh like that.

They say they punch to feel manly again.
I used to punch to feel less dead.
Cuz hurting reminds me, tomorrow I still have to live.
So get some rest and be ready for a smile to wear.

He talked to me. And didn't just simply reply for the sake of replying. He read, and replied.
Talking to him still makes everything better.
He's a great person.
People like him makes the world a better place.
He makes the impossible possible.
And his notification turns tears to tears of joy.

Breaking up is still a cruel thing.
I used to only cry in a fight with my sister,
Or parents.
After that I became the mean one.
But now we don't fight at all.
I don't remember any fights.
I only recall, how my terrible mood made me skip meals.
And also spending time in the bed pretending to be asleep,
So everyone would leave me alone.
No more fights, because emotions stay in the bed.
And that's good for everyone.

Thank you for showing up.
I guess I can sleep.

Tomorrow please don't repeat the cycle.

It's scary how easily I could convince myself that there's completely no hope between us.

But the hope comes back. Cycle repeats. Fuck my life

。

啄沒離開過 是我自己搞砸了，他會等我的，他還是疼我的
之前訊息敷衍地回，現在至少能說清楚。
我知道該怎麼做，他也知道 我很想挽回
以前跟現在 是進步了
和家人也好 自己也好

全都怪我 不該沉默時沉默
該勇敢時軟弱 如果不是我
誤會自己灑脫 讓我們難過

他還沒放棄的
我們還有可能

。

你看看 他怎麼對你
再看看你怎麼對他

就看不下去了

要繼續嗎？
折磨自己 作踐自己  不夠嗎
是不是很好玩

半年了
乾脆死掉算了
哈

活著是世界上最痛苦的事啊

時間，趕快讓這一切結束吧

.

He knows what I'm going through.
He just doesn't care.
So sincerely, stop loving him please yh.

If someone loves you, they wouldn't let go that easily. No such thing as impossible. If he cares, he won't let you feel this awful. He won't let you cry every midnight. He won't let you feel like dying.

From now.
I'll put you somewhere behind.
I'll unprioritize you.
I'll unlove you.

.

Yh why can't you give up and move on. He doesn't give shit anymore so fuck it.
Stop having stupid break downs.
Stop getting affected by him.
You wanted to run, so go. 

With this face?
This fucked up mood?

He doesn't even care!!' 

I hate living. It's a paradox. You want to do good. You want to be good. You see how people described relationships. You swear not to be those fucking cheaters. You try your best. You give all your heart. You end up, half dying. Wanting to die but have to live. And you have to smile and not be that emotional shit in daily life. Because, PEOPLE HAVE TO ASK. So you give your biggest smile. You try to save whatever that's left. You try to improve that thing you want to protect. And you continuously get stabbed.

It's fucking perfect.

He said he'll give up if I did betrayal things. I didn't. I swear I didn't. He knows what was going on with me. Why can't he just let it go. Why do a person destroy another like this. Why

Sincerely. I wish I die young.
Young as in maybe tomorrow. Everyday's a good day to die. Right?

Let's end it. End all the pain.