KDramaa

Let's have a deal. !@#$%^&*(
I'll skip that part.

These days there's so much going on. I watched many many movies, a few with someone, more at home alone. Also, I started a K drama. It's called 'Doctors'. I know it's a dumb move as the whole drama wasn't completely out yet. But that's a good thing I guess, I'm always waiting, just like how I really am. Got interested after watching a short advertisement about it. Park Shin Hye starring! :D

K drama makes everything perfect. It's fucking unfair. She got top in the class after two weeks of hardcore-ing, when she used to be a terrible student. Well that's absolutely my life too! But I only had third. It's not fair.

This tells, life sucks. No matter how hard you work, you can't be the best. You can't get to that point. No matter how hard you diet, you work hard, you change, you cannot be slimmer, be prettier than that girl.

But guess what! Just because of that shit, I'm gonna work three times harder to get the top then. I'm gonna work three times harder to get slimmer, I'll work three times harder in everything. Don't forget Kdramas aren't real.

10 hours a week. 10 hours a week I gotta achieve that.



Aiming thighs, abs, I have to run, squat, sit ups, but leftankle's feeling shitty. Just worried that it might affect badminton ._.
hell. 

Recovered lost data!

I almost killed myself.

I've been working on this file, editing, typing in words, the whole fucking night. I was done, so I saved that shit. Then I deleted everything, deciding to save it as a new document, but I was halfway done, and I clicked 'save'.

Get what I mean? It means everything I did the past few days are all gone. My heart prepared redo everything, prepared to punch the wall, prepared to cry.

Then wps saved me. It saved itself this morning, so I was actually able to recover the lost data.

Actually, life is good to me. Life deleted everything in my old laptop, but I saved a few of the important memories. All of them are supposed to be deleted. So I won't have any reason to look back. I don't need that guy, he's toxic to my life.

Life is good to me, and I'll appreciate, and stop being sad over what's not mine to have. He's toxic anyway. No harm letting go. 

.

I can't let go. I'm looking at my fucking bio textbook with a cap, but thinking bout 'I call shotgun'.
why don't you call yourself his wife then. Do I look like I mind. Do you think you can read my face?

It's done. Whatever ships, it's becoming shits.

I honesty hate my life. How awesome seeing everyone getting the best treatment from the guy, but myself being treated like a piece of shit. FOR WHAT? For wanting to take a break from spm? What shit. Can anyone believe the reason we broke up? Ask yourself. What fuck were you doing. Responsible? Look at yourself. Fuck you.


Well THANKS  for  letting me see you clearly, how shitty your heart is like. Thanks for ending the torture as soon as possible, well I wasted nine months of your life, but you waste a year and a half of mine just because I THOUGHT you weren't a piece of shit. 

.

I can't do this anymore. I promised myself to study but here I am, in bed. What could I do? I scroll. Facebook. Facebook has loads of depressing shits. Some trigger shits, some just made me pour. I'm tired, I want to study, but with the.face without being able to pretend, I can't get.off bed. Closing my eyes make it worse.

I can't do this anymore.

What is wrong with me. I scrolled down to.the bottom, I found myself archiving four individuals. Four most mentioned people in my blog. Three besties, and a fucking ass, him.

I know he's not worth my time anymore. Why do you wanna spend your day crying in bed for a piece of shit who returned your effort by being an absolute ass. There's no answer to that, cuz you don't. You don't put any effort in those.kind of people. You don't waste your life trying to show.him that you care, cuz he doesnt.

What's so sad about that?

Nah no.nothin g. 

I wanna break my fist.

That's punishment for being an idiot.for eight months.

.

I'm surprised by myself. So I have the ability to hide every feelings behind my fake ass poker face.

I did everything, and it doesn't work. It's time to let go.

I told myself, after I get.out of bathroom, I'm going to continue studying. I have loads of stuff to do. I can't jump in bed and cry just because of this already dead relationship. I have to continue living.

It hurts like fuck.

Seeing him laughing and communicating better with my very own bestie. I'm dying inside. But what can I do?

Pineapple stay away from him you two make me uncomfortable? No. She's my friend. And he's just my ex. I have no business there.

Do I look like I mind?
I mind. I wanna die so badly but I couldn't say a thing.

That's it, that's it.

Doesn't matter what happens next, no matter how he looks like he hasn't move on, that's none of my business. I give up.

Please pray hard that I die asap. I want to die. Right now. It's just so hard.

Wood

You can't put all the blame on me, wood! It's not fair! I'm sorry for being harsh back a little, but I wasn't unreasonable! I thought before I sent everything, and hope you could be reasonable back to me!

You were mad, I know why. You think I'm rich. You throw tantrums whenever finding out me buying things. Do you see me buying wants instead of needs? Don't I need mountain climbing shoes? I almost died thrice at a same mountain just because of having inappropriate shoes! Yeah? If you want me to die that badly, fine! I Could just wear slippers, then slip and die.

What else, are you mad for me not telling you? No? Then why? Why the fuck are you mad? You DUMPED ME. It's none of your business! But you care! WHY? Why the fuck do you care but still act like a fucking ass? If YOu care then stop teaching me to live like this. YOU're the one training me to live without you, then get mad when I survived? What fuck do you expect!? You want me to cry and beg for your return? Does that work? What else are you expecting? Give up, no. Move on, no. Love you, no. WHATEVER I DO, IT'S JUST MY FAULT.

My mind's clashing. I don't know what to do, and you're not helping at all. You're not helping.

I would make myself hate you, mad at you, but five mins later, I check for your fb, your snapchat posts, your photos, everything. I could never forget you, but I could make you think that I'm doing fucking well without you. Everyone's complete. We don't need another person to stay alive. I don't need you, wood. But then, I wish you were here all the time. I wish you could be with me whenever I'm happy, sad or whatever shit. That's all.

Yeah you used to be clingy, and still are, slightly. I used to be clingy too. These nine months has changed everything. I'm different, now, wood. I can do well without you, but I can do better with you. I can survive without you, but I miss you all the time. I can stand days, weeks without speaking to you. I can stand you leaving for a long time, but I always tell myself, you will be back. And we could be alright. And YOU shouldn't be mad about that, because you brought me to this place. You made me, me. Are you being mad knowing that I could do all these all alone ?


I'm tired. Everything I do seems wrong to you. I'm trying to change, for us, for you. But you made me look like a fool all the time, you made my effort dissipated. Is this what you want? To kill me like this for the rest of my life?

I don't have the heart? What do you know!? Sometimes, I tell myself how much I hate humans, and I should give up whatever I'm doing. But then, my head tells me, I want to make a change in this world, for good. I want to do things but I think I don't have the ability yet. And you, wood, you're the one bringing me down. You have no confidence in me at all. I'm just trying hard to improve myself, and you're always bringing the mood down. I thought you love helping others. And destroying me? More like you don't have the heart! I just thought, it's not fair. Just because you have the right attitude in studying and to repay your family, doesn't make you OK to mock whoever that doesn't have that yet. I haven't reach your standard yet, doesn't meant you're ok to laugh at me. I will improve, I will be better than whoever will never believe. I will find the right method, the right way to study, and I'll make you apologize for your stupid assumptions.

Your words can't bring me down. Anger is my motivation. Thanks to you, My stomach's slightly toned up. Thanks to you, my thighs are much stronger than before. Today's mountain climbing wasn't so bad, as I started training my thighs with 7kg weight. You think I can't lift you from a squat position?

We'll see. We'll see about that after some time. Well thank you for making me a better person. You suck. 

Updatees

Updatees. 

These days, I've been working on bio. It's half boring me to death. I think I need to stop. 

I'm also working on thighs! Fak. I love the feeling of the soreness. Wood says I'll have to make my thighs as thick as an elephant's leg, in order to lift him up from a very low squat position. Well. I know I needa be able to train my legs to lift someone with my weight first. 

GUESS what. I'm planning to give out my spm ref books. That means, I need another pile of stuff to replace that heaviness for working out purposes. PS, I used my old school bag and part of the ref books to squat. 5kg plus, plus the amp magnet, it's 6kg plus. Now, I have another way: Dictionaries. Four dictionaries could get up to 5.4kg. So now my schoolbag would be 7kg, and it's an awesome workout equipment. 

I can't wait until I see the results of that. I'm gonna lose fats from the thighs. Yay. Fuckyeah. 

All is good. He too, is freaking awesome. I think I've improved, in badminton. Slightly. And the controlling in food. I look at good food, smell good food, but take in the most disgusting ones: vege. It's a terrible life at the food part. Wood always thought I'm in a fucking luxurious life. Hell no! My sister and I aren't shopaholics, Can anyone believe that us girls living up to 18 years, never had our own personal wardrobe? We shared, using that freaking tiny shoebox. It's now fucking ancient. 

:3. it's four smtg and I can't wait for dinner. 

Next week, there are absolutely NO plans at all, so I'm gonna chemistry. >:) yay