If you think you bunch of alcoholics are happy people who let go of the past, why do you drink like that?

I drink because... Yes it was fun. I enjoyed your company.

At the same time I knew how greatly I was killing myself.

And when he pulled me back to life, the drinking stopped.

Am I gonna go back to drinking?

I know, I'm going out. It could be anywhere, it could be no where. I want to cry, I want to scream. At the end, I asked myself. Who am I possible to reach out to ? I only thought of ET, yip man.

I asked him where are you? He said he has something to do. He's outside. I said, nevermind. He said, he'd push them forward for me. I said, nevermind.

I drove, I don't know where I'm heading. But I thought, maybe I can drive a little and try to feel better. I drove, he called me.  I was hesitating to answer. And he told me to go meet him.

Fate wasn't helping us. It was mom's car I was driving. My sense of direction sucked. Gps signal sucked. I was lost. Suddenly, I saw myself more towards Wood's place.

I needed to pee. I can't stand being lost on the roads. I didn't know where to go. I forgot how to go. So I went to the place I was familiar with.

So what ?

So what? Exactly. I'm literally looking for my own death. I could've drank it off. Could've just drove and drove without destination. Why am I here to watch?

Yes you're not free. You could live happily like I never existed.

I think we should break up. I don't think you care anymore. Why do I see you and I'm unable to speak? You disappoint me to the deepest.

This is what happens when you love again. Idiot.

Self defense mechanism
Everything is temporary, don't take it seriously. Don't take anything, any word seriously. Promises are temporary. Yes. Don't ever forget how painful it was, it happened once and it will happen again.

You assure the quality. That's also temporary. It's alright. We fall, we learn, we get back up. Get back up. Who needs an A for chem? I need the nerdy spirits. I need to finish mgt assignment right away. Stop hurting yourself for some random temporary guy. He didn't want me in his profile, because he knew that he'd get tired of me, in other words, I'm temporary too in his mind. Don't take it seriously.

Yeah I'm fucking dumb. He taught me once, and now he's teaching me again. He made me love again. Which means, I'll lose him again. Remember, it's nothing. I'm meant to be single forever.

I'm meant to die alone. I'm meant to be that drunk fella that's throwing up on the streets. I don't deserve being loved. There's nothing to cry about. It's life. No one will stay. Yeah.

Empty, positively.

Today I texted arrogant to ask him about pogo cheats. I know, it's funny how we are close not due to being two years of classmates and librarian squads for three years, or even same shift mates, but because of after graduation which separates us, but then becoming badminton training mates. It's funny how we have a same channel due to pogo, we never get tired.

We basically had a full day conversation. Yes it did lasted this long, because neither of us are conversation killers.

Today, I gave him a small update, which reminds me of the badminton squad, exam dates, Wood's next intern phase, etc etc. I saw a can of carlsberg and a bottle of cider on my desk. Full. It's cool how I never had the urge of drinking recently. I told him, my life is pretty empty in a neutral way. My close friends far away, my love ones far away. I have no connection here, which made me only thought about self developments which includes losing weight, getting better grades.

He offered to skype because how sad it sounded. But I wasn't that sad anymore isn't it ? He said if I drank alone it would be even emo. Lmao. That's true in a way. Maybe I'm not drinking just because I'm alone. Not that I lost the addiction. Just because I'm sitting here on my phone, doesn't meant I don't miss the squad.

Every second I play a song, I miss them. I miss singk with them, I miss drinking with them. You have no idea about the small part of me that's excited for finals to come just for the study week before it. I would have time to badminton with them. I would have time to go for meals with them.

Yes it's empty over here, but that makes me look forward even more. What is joy without sadness ? How do you miss someone without separation? So maybe I'm a little empty. Maybe when I leave inti, I would miss the ipoh girls? I don't know. No one knows. I'm empty, just because I haven't left here long enough. Maybe in the future I would miss the days I live without connection and burden. Maybe I would miss running at night thinking about ghosts and the steps I have to achieve.

Maybe... Life wasn't as bad as it looks like.

There was one Saturday I went to Wood's place, he was playing dota. I was just talking to him, about how lonely it is to live like that. I talked, I don't even know if he was listening. It was an emotional night.

Then the other day my parents came here to watch the award ceremony, where I got into the Dean's list. They dropped me to put my stuff then when I get into the car, they were literally discussing and convincing me to get a roommate. And guess what they asked me.
Do you not have friends ?

I do. I do have friends. But friends over here are different from the ones in PJ. Just that.

Yeah..

I finally understand why they say it's hard when you go further studies overseas. It's hard because you probably definitely get culture shock, thing's so different you can't cope, and maybe it's so alone.

I don't really know why but I don't even think I can cope being at Nilai. I went to find wood after violin class as usual. I missed him so much, I hugged him more than usual. It was comforting.

So today he turned on the tv to watch some women singles badminton live tournaments. And I just talked to him. I think I can cry talking about what's in my head. I think he doesn't really understand what's with me, and I wasn't really being that detailed.

I find myself constantly having mental breakdowns. I feel like there's no one really around, and it sucks. What I need, is alcohol. To make it numb, to make life easier. I need alcohol. And there it goes.

Maybe I don't need alcohol.

I don't even think anything helps. Talking to wood didn't help much. It's just at least I can feel him around. But it sucks. He lives as an intern and a student at the same time, in other words he's so busy that he can't even live normally, which also means that he's just no difference from being gone, exclude weekends..

Nothing helps! That's the point.

Sometimes I see my course mates' insta stories, they're so active. They're smiling. And I wonder, how do they do that ?

Smile ? Cuz it feels like shit inside. It's so forceful I have to find new things to do. It doesn't suit me. Good thing is jogging. But planning to jog daily at night. It's helpful, it makes me slightly less negative. I guess its a way.

Next sem I'm gonna consider joining badminton. Life sucks, and I need to do something about it.

Two more years to go, let's get tru this.

No one

I've been demotivated. I miss connection. I miss my friends. Idk what's with me. Ever since uni. No. Ever since college, everything didn't seem right. I had those friends which didn't seem to connect. We seemed close, but inside we all know we aren't. College friends were just.... Those kinds of friends, let alone uni.

I thought I had a group of real ones. But it seems like after I dove into a relationship with wood, they disappeared. When was the last time I blog? It was a draft. It was about them too. Hah.

I just knew. All my life I had about two to three really close friends. And they all are so far away. And when I thought I had new real ones, I don't know. They just disappear, too. It was my fault anyway. Get over it. I'm the one going away. I'm the one who has arm problems. I'm the one stopped joining them. They probably think I've forgotten about them. I think they've forgotten about me, too.

Maybe ET hasn't. But the rest, gone, gone, gone.

I feel like I'm isolated. I'm disappearing. It's so alone. It's like Wood's training me to be alone too. Other than a little gift, even arrogant put more effort. Idk. I miss yip man. I think the only reason we got along was because we were both lonely. I'm a talkative person despite the situation. I had no one, and she was always coincidentally placed next to me, so I talked to her. So often that she's my bestie.

Maybe I'm just suitable to be isolated. Drinking with a bunch of older alcoholics wasn't me too. ET and I could have different conversations because we sometimes hang out one to one. Moon, same case. I'm just not fit to have a bunch of someone.

The thing is, I couldn't find the someone here in inti. Angel has yy as her someone. I hang out with them two I don't even know why. They're like a pair of hostel potatoes. Ok sorry. I mean they just stay in the room all damn time.

Do you get me? There's just no one.

Before you slice it deep into your wrist, remind yourself. What makes me live on that day?

My family. I owe them. I owe them. So I cannot die. Live for them. Remember? I'll repay them. Studying is my responsibility. I'm here to study, not to have fun. Of course I can drink to make the journey slightly bearable..

And that's the reason I'm alive. My goals? I have no goals. My parents make me to have a good life. I'll show them until I'm done, then I can die.

Stop crying, put away the knife. 

I have to get good results to earn, then I can die.

Updates

Holy shit did I just neglected my blog for months ? Yes I did.

Recently a lot has happened. I don't even know what to update anymore, too much random stuff. 

Maybe I should start from the exams but that's too long ago even my results are out.

How's life? Life is awesome. The entire holiday I mostly rot in bed and slept until no breakfast was needed. I haven't been out with the wild peeps much these days. Maybe we have our own lives. Maybe I neglected them. Idk. We're all busy.

Result wise... I have four subjects. I got an A for the subject which the lecturer said "This is one of the hardest subjects". Two A- from the one subject that I was damn confident with and another one that I was pretty sure I'm going to get roughly an A-. And a B for a subject that I was fucking sure that the A was gone. So..... Balanced, nothing to be too sad about. Nothing to be happy for.

Wood wise, I think the arguments definitely decreased significantly compared to three years ago. Yeahh it was that bad.  But we still have ups and downs, more ups, but downs were so fucking bottom. Distruptive selection, selection pressure goes towards the extremes. Ok fuck me too much bio. To sum up, all is well.

Everything is fine. I quit drinking. Ok I didn't really quit. I just.. drank much lesser. I'm thankful loong and ET trained up my tolerance tho. They're still here. That amount I had during that wedding dinner was still boom, but I have to insist it's because of how cold it was. I miss them.

Life is okay with full of good food and great people, and it's about to give us more challenges.

Wood's starting intern soon. He's still starting uni with me this monday but as a working student's life. Daily 9am to 6pm with an hour break. What is that life???? That's until mid February, and then he'd leave, to work. Gosh. I'm scared. It's not exactly long distance but it's like no together time... Gah. And alone in INTI,,, I don't know. At least I have a highschool friend there, cookie. Arrogant's gay partner. We weren't close but we do have some level of closeness due to librarians I think?

Imagine traveling alone eating alone everything alone. I used to think maybe I have a developing phobia over all these years. Making friends is hard to me. True friends. Idk. It's just hard to be that close with people unlike when we were little. And... That scares me. Am I gonna blend in, or am I gonna stay alone ?

Alone is my thing.. i duno. Ok fuck it I am tooooo nervous ._. Maybe I should play more badminton. Wait no. Oh ya my arm.

It is NOT getting better hoho. Fffff