.

One sentence may cause mental breakdown.
One sentence, can kill.
Can make someone who's already fully determined to do something, to lose it all.
All that effort. Just like it never existed.

Just one fucking sentence.
Could ruin a whole life.

Good thing my sister's not in the room.

I'm scared to death. Of you leaving me forever.
The word I scared the most, is "Enough."

I told myself, you're so busy, twenty four seven.
I'll just look at fb, the time fb tells.
It's usually 1 min ago, unless it's morning,
It would be 5 or 6 hours ago.
And I say, rest more, you sleepy head.

I promised myself not to check,
But still did anyway, 40 mins ago.
Definitely driving then. Drive carefully.
1 min ago. You reached. Definitely unpacking then.
Talking to self, actually to you. It's became a habit.

I'm no longer attached to the WA notification.
Yours is the one that notifies and vibrates crazily.
The rest, individuals mute,
customized individuals & groups only notify. Without vibrate.

So I'd look more forward into fb vibrations.
Sometimes I see you posting. And get terrified.
Then cry after reading.
Nah just kidding.

I read, and get whatever I'm doing screwed up.
And maybe screw up a day. Or a week.
And I have to smile so perfectly to my family,
And slowly I'm used to it

Mom doesn't ask anymore.
Maybe she thinks I've settled whatever problem I had.
I wish she never asks.

After all this time, I know.
It won't get any better.
It's just getting worse.
All these restless nights.

I wish I can put you into long term memory.
And then they throw you into the dump
and you disappear.

I wish the memory of you, stop getting stronger and stronger
I wish something bad happened to me, and lose part of memory.

I don't wanna forget you
But when you're affecting my life,
It's just so fucking hard.

Someone used to say, we'll be sad for three days
After getting our spm results. And then, life continues.

You're not someone I can easily forget
Three days, three weeks, three months

How much more? Let's see if I can be Ok after three years.

Stop it.
Enough.

I wish.

.

I have problems.

Mind kept flashing back, to that day, that day when you told me how tired you were.
and then you gave me a last wish.

And then rewind more,
to that day, a few days after your birthday.
When I started losing it,
You asked if I could stay for a night,
That week, I wanted to give up.
You made me stay.

Further rewind, to my birthday.
We watched Cinderella that day.
Do you remember?
Then my mom called to tell us to get home before 12,
to cut the cake.

That day, I was so exhausted.
if not mistaken, it was one day camp too.
I was disappointed at how camp went, as part of organizer.
Then you brought me to a nice restaurant.
You bought me cakes, and took a video.

I lost that video.
It's gone, along with the rest of the audios saving in the laptop.
The audios that saved your voice saying I love you, and goodnight
I was happy, but so tired, but so happy.

I decide to not bother you too much.
I will know whether you're busy or not, from the way you talk.

I'll study hard, and I'll miss you.

I'd like you to know that..
You're a part of me that I can never ever let go.
If you're alone, you need someone to talk to,
you could always come to me.

My only wish, is to have another chance
to appreciate you and make your life better.
I'll give the kind of support that you need, but not burden.

I'll now wash my face, stop rewinding, stop being sad about it,
and DO MY FUCKING HOMEWORK.

Heh. I'm going crazy, you know ?
When I drove back home,
Everytime the steering wasn't straight,
I went off my lane a little.

I thought, it'll be so easy to die. One hard turn,
and I'll be dead.
And no more, all of this nonsense.
No more sadness.
No more rewinding,
No more me.
haha. Just a thought. 

.

If he says he's busy,
Then I fuck off for a week. Maybe two weeks.
Plans cancelling, training pausing
If seeing him means two weeks later,
Be it.
If seeing him is just during training,
I'll bear with it.
If it'll be months later until the next time he asks me out,

I'll wait.

Drown in studies.
Everything will be fine.

Training and him

I miss him. Plans cancelling all the time, priority getting lower all the time. I know where I stand. I expected the worst, so I'm not disappointed. I just miss you, so damn badly I can cry.
I'm surprised that you didn't push me away when I sleepily wrapped my arms around you. Heh. <3 thank you.

Had insomnia. I really, was trying to sleep. Then I had a dream, lychee was in there. Lmao. I never had a dream with her in it before. I guess. I was catching a train. And that stupid dream had me more running all around. Exhausted.

Training. Mm like I said, I will workout daily. But still, paused for hell cycle. Was so tired. For the consecutively 3rd(? I'm not sure) time, finally didn't stop on first or second set. I actually did full set. Maybe next time I do it, I'll time myself and improve the speed.

I realized I've been focusing on burning the waist fats, and never worked out on thighs. Heh I'll work out on thighs too. I wish I can have the determination to jog daily.

So tired.

。

每次都是 在差不多放棄的邊沿了，
突然就對自己說  “再傻多一次吧。”
都會值得的，修正自己 為了讓我們可以
我會成功修正，只是不知道你會不會在。
雖然有很多很多可以想像的悲劇，
有很多很多 很想死的念頭。
我懂 我不會傻到那個程度吧。
我發現到只要是曾經弄到我們倆小小吵起來了的人，我都會盡量遠離。盡量不和他們太靠近。

那傢伙。

兩小時課提早放。
他跟著我，我逃。
他跟到哪，我都逃。
他叫我接受他的fb友圈加入
我說，fb而已啊，很重要嗎？
已經是超級 無法再努力的敷衍了
他跟到我走投無路無法逃了 。
看見開放日那天認識內部設計的女生
馬上坐到她隔壁。
幸運，因為沒有位了。
他只好離開，還不停徘徊。

聊了一些。
發現設計和我現在讀的應該很大分別。
她忙功課，每天開夜車為了趕完成設計圖
我開夜車為加強記憶與對課本的了解都在做筆記
我和她說，想讀這個，可是大家都認為我不行
她叫我加油，我勤勞，是可以的
離開之前她說忘了我的名字
我還記得她的呢
再次自我介紹，才說再見。

高中畢業後 學校環境很快樂。
每個人都看起來很忙。有懶惰的，有勤勞的，
懶惰的也會忙著做自己的嗜好
勤勞的 會被愛聊天的拖著打擾著自己都沒察覺，
一群人去圖書館，結果只有一個人在啃書，
其他都在聊天在笑，結果要讀書，都泡湯
我知道，不能跟著她們。
以前我就是這樣，跟著一些人包了一間房
結果都在聊戲劇，經驗，有趣的事物。

我改行當獨行俠，和一個或兩個人一起就夠了
我喜歡 不被人盯著地做筆記
我不喜歡任何人看或抄我的筆記

你不讀書，我不給你壓力
你做你的我做我的，我們都滿意
結果讀到書學到新東西，有時累了還睡了一點
離開人群，非常自在，效率提高。

我喜歡，非常努力不被人看見
別人可以說，我懶，我笨，我慢，我都懂也承認
如果理解能力弱，至少我有在思考，想辦法明白
如果堅持不了，我會再試試看，說，選了這條路，就要走得風光，要拿個好看的成績出來。
如果我進步了很多 我自己知道就好
如果還是落後了跟不上，我會加油

如果最後考得不錯，
那你們還會那樣踩踏我的信心嗎？
會對我改觀嗎？

Being alone

Know what's most fucked up thing ever?

I like being with people, but not being disturbed. How do you say that. I mean... I like to sit with one or a few friends, but them fully concentrating on their own business, and I concentrate on mine. I like that respect, that privacy we coincidentally gave each other. I guess Sam and I are like that.

The main reason I can't study during highschool, is we're all forced to cramp up in a shoebox size classroom. I want the privacy. As in, I don't want people to look at what I'm doing, and make any single sound. And if you're thinking bout the library, there was no privacy in highschool library. As a librarian, every librarian aren't stranger. So no privacy. It sucked. The only alone time is at home. But at certain time, a sibling will come and annoy.

Here in college. I don't know how big is the library. But you can definitely find a spot that there's no one else. And sam's with me and we doing our own things all the time. It's kinda awesome. Coincidentally. Like hey just stay there I'll be there if you need me.

Alone is good.

Sometimes the most awful moments are, when those busy body classmates appear. And they never leave.

Hate putting down whatever I'm trying to do, just to entertain someone and wait for them to leave.

Shoo.

Tsunimi + exams

So sleepy these days. I don't know if it's because the hell cycle. Or...

Today we had a test. As usual, I suck at add math. I've been focusing on chemistry so so badly, I spent the weekend for chemistry and yesterday for bio(because we have bio today) I neglected bio badly. It's a little unlucky. Bio is easier than chemistry, but we have the spoonfeed kind of bio lecturer, while chemistry lecturer making us force ourselves to be independent(hoho we'll die without that discipline).

It's fucking tiring.
It's been the third Wednesday, I reached there and slept even tho it's so hard to sleep. *I can sleep anywhere.*

People ask, how's college?
Actually that's gonna be so subjective. It could be "it's much more tiring." OR "so far it's kinda relaxing." No.
I think.. 70% of them are fucking hardworking. They started studying before the course even started. So if you don't wanna be left behind, you gotta study. It's like... a competition. You rest, you lose. If I say I'm flipping textbooks, I'm definitely doing notes.
So how's college?
I still don't know how to answer that.
Just tiring, because I made myself tiring.

Being a girl sucks.
Still no pause.

If one day during class, you see a girl that used to sit straight without moving suddenly became weirdly moving all the time, as in, not getting comfortable in ANY SINGLE FUCKING POSITION,
Appreciate.