Self doubts

I told violin teacher that I thought about quitting. That I felt bad for not practicing and paying for without improving. He told me don't quit, cuz I'm better. He said my improvement would be big if I did practice, but even if I didn't, I could do whatever he asked for. I do improve, but my pace is just like other students who did practiced.

I don't really know how to respond. Just because I don't practice, I used the way to help myself improve and it worked. That doesn't mean it's okay to not practice. That doesn't mean I'm not wasting the money. That doesn't mean I shouldnt feel bad.

I don't really know how to feel. I can do art better than others, I can make myself improve without practicing. I can do well for things that I enjoy.

One day mom and I talked about pretty things: earrings, necklaces. She said she's not wearing earrings anymore because they don't look good on her. I love earrings. But whenever I see some of her old fashioned stuff, I'd be like "I can remove this, and it'll look more trendy."

Know those white pearls that most old people love to wear? Mom gave me a pair of those with nice shiny decors around. It's just the pearl that I hated. I'm like I'm gonna remove this. Or draw something on it. 

"This is what a designer would do, modify, modify, modify."

But I'm no designer.

I don't believe that everyone's has a talent. I believe everyone can do what they want to do if they work hard enough for it. Even if I don't have a 100% science brain, even if I have a brain with more towards the art side,, I'm working hard.

I'll not quit. But I'll try harder. I'll score well for chemistry. I fucking swear.

I used to not believe that I could have a stomach with shape. I succeeded anyway. For chemistry, why not?