.

Both you and I know the time doesn't matter. As long as I breathe, I can remember, I'll fuck up any beautiful day.

You did pure science. I'm pretty.sure you know what's angina. It's a pain in the chest. Somedays I would think, maybe this is an imaginary pain. I used to have it so much each time I had arguments with wood. I never told him cuz I thought it was stupid and... Unexplainable.

Turned out it wasn't. Drama queen said she had it when she almost broke up with her boy. Wood too said he had it. Wood himself had it. It happens when you're crying yourself to sleep, while telling yourself to get over it, again and again and again. It also happens in the middle of chemistry class when the shits you've been through went flashing by your head. I wish I knew the biological explanation. Like what causes the pain? It's in the chest! Why? Does your heart really aches when you're mentally breaking into pieces??? It doesn't make sense.

After we broke up, it decreased. Still had it but it wasn't as frequent as that time. But these days I have it again. I had it just now right after I woke up, in my bed. I could just think of you and think of how bad I'm gonna die.

I think, yip man was the only consistent follower in this fucked up blog. I have no idea why, why? Don't my thoughts bore you out? Don't they make you feel like you're reading some fucked up mental problem human's dark speeches??? I thought about it and I made a conclusion. Maybe because you treasure our friendship and you care. But I'm gonna conclude that maybe I made you thought this negatively. Maybe I made you think the way I think... If that's really what happened, maybe I shouldn't even blog anymore. For your own good, you gotta stop reading it, and see if you can get better. For you too, moon. I can't just make someone as positive as you go to hell with me.

I'm crazy. I'm done with life. I'm gonna be very down at times, lots of time. You're gonna make me better, but you couldn't make it last. I have the ability to make your efforts go to waste. I have the ability to ignore any sweet stuff I receive and say "This isn't real, this is temporary." shake my head and run off. One day you'll be tired of running after me, you'll be tired of looking at my face. You'll be so tired you don't even want to hear or think about my name.

The world isn't that dark. This is what a failed relationship can make me. But moon, you're normal. You can find someone normal. You can find someone who knows how to appreciate you and love you like how you love her. I couldn't love you. I couldn't love anyone. I won't let myself and you understand that.

It's so hard to live. Look it's nine thirty in the morning. It's not 1am. Still, I can fuck myself up. I can screw up my day easily. Why make your life so hard? I'm gonna screw up over and over again, I can't even take care of my heart, how do I take care of yours? I couldn't. I really couldn't. I'm gonna unintentionally hurt you in many ways. And you're gonna keep it inside. One day you couldn't take it anymore, you'll explode, and you'll give up.

It hurts again. Haha fuck.

A2 stress

Turn on the lights, chin up. Sit straight. Ok, biology + music + phone off. (not exactly off tho. To me, closing WhatsApp is already considered as phone off)

So? Read the words from the book. Didn't I managed to concentrate well in class? Why not now? 

Honestly, my A2 is fucked. I'm very sure about it, because hey, I know my standards. 

I'm waiting for my pizza. My sister's gonna bring pizza home. Yes. Pizza is goos, pizza is love. 

It's weird how some people can stare into somewhere and lose themselves. They say they go blank. Haahahha is it like how when I look at my textbook and go blank? No, not exactly. I don't really go blank. 

I can read the words over and over again, cuz I have to! I'm busy. I'm fucking stressed. So? How do you pretend that you don't care, like nothing happened then go do your fucking business? How do you do that? Do you need to be very heartless to do that? Or you have to set your priority right from your deepest???? Like yourself? Do you people do that? 

OK my priority is acing my degree! Therefore I should be an ass and make someone I love fuck off. 

OK my priority is work. So Everyone fuck off. 

I wish I could do that! Hahahaha NO JOKE. I wish I could just study and study and fuck everything, everyone! But I can't even pretend! Fuck. 

JUST kill me. honestly.

.

I remember the days I swallowed my pride, to text wood, to show him lots of sincerity. To show him that I'll be waiting. I care, and I'm here if he needs me.

I get short replies. "K" or just "Seen". Seen without replies is a reply itself. It's another way of saying "I don't give a fuck about how you feel so look at me not bothering, and stop texting me".

He was such a dick. Sometimes I don't even get affected anymore. It's like it doesn't hurt so much. But no, what fuck. It hurts damn much.

He must be busy. He must be having exams. He must be having discussions. He must be stressed. He must be tired. I'm probably bothering him like crazy. Yeah. He's not that mean, I know him. He's not like that. Stress makes him like that. He'll be nice when he chills amd get some rest.

Haha loads of bullshit I've said to myself just to make myself feel slightly better. Guess what? No. Nope. I know what he does in the weekends. He goes for movie marathons at home. Still, the same attitude. Wood hated me, he can't handle my bullshit, so he K'ed me. He want me to fuck off immediately.

Sometimes I thought he used to be selfish. It's very funny. You want a secure future for us, so you treat me like crap. Ohhhh legit reason, hahaha. So go on, secure your future. At the same time, screw up mine. Hahahha.

But what did I expect? I'd like to think, being busy isn't an excuse to be an asshole.

Like you could've told me in one sentence.

Hey I'm busy these few months and I wont reply you in seconds.

Something like that will do. Remember half blood prince? I have no idea how he lives, but he replies messages about six hours later. It confused me but I got used to it. That's no problem for me.

You could've told me, hey I still want you, but we had a hard time for the past few months so I just wanna think things out and hope then we can improve.

Well you didn't. You left me all alone to think, to fuck myself up, to become this piece of shit that has NO TENDENCY TO LIVE NORMALLY ANYMORE. Hahaha. And you regret. You could've told me what you were thinking. But you fucking made me lost all this hope.

I think history might repeat itself. Hah.

Guess what, moon. You could just give up on me. Cuz I would assume. I would sense some changes in your tone, then fuck myself up. I would feel that you're tired of me, like I'm tired of myself. I would want you to go away. Leave and just stay happy, without that tone changed. Cuz you're better off without the presence of me. You don't have to say anything. I'll feel it.

I used to think telling you stuff works. it doesn't work anymore. Cuz you don't care. You'd wait until the my craziness ends. You'd leave me alone to fuck myself up even if it's because of you. And I hate that.

I wish I don't care. I don't wanna care. I don't wanna give any shit when I sense any change in tone. I don't wanna give shit when one day you get tired and leaves.

I'm half dead, cuz I still do, go crazy at times. I want to be completely dead, so I can bare with any of you temporary people leaving my life! I want to don't give shit. Is that so hard?

I don't want my bed anymore. I don't want to just lie in bed and let the thoughts drown me. I want to be happy. I want to just say "fuck this, fuck that." Then let the shits happen, but I can't.

I wasted enough of your time, money and effort. I wasted your youth. I gave you slight hope. And I'm sorry about that. I should've known best, that I don't know how to be with someone anymore.

Leave. All of you, leave.

Let me alone, free me. Please?

.

Honestly, when I ask myself, is it better this way? A year trying to be emotionless, I didn't success, I didn't fail too. I'm in between. I feel, but not a lot.

No, it's not better this way. It sucks. I miss that life I used to live. Even if it was painful, I miss that. That pain made me felt alive more than anything else. Of course there were good times, too. That dumb idiotic me was so alive, what happened?

Why suppress everything? Why restrain everything? To prevent bad shits from happening? No, they're inevitable. We can't prevent it. Even if we isolate ourselves, there'll be shits.

Listening to one song, one person singing a sad song made me reminisce. Is that a good thing? That guy is gone. I shouldn't be that cruel, but I guess it's the only way. Clean cuts are goos. At least he'll get over me easier. I wish he pretended to not give shit anymore, like how he used to hurt, cuz I don't feel that pain anymore. I wish he didn't realize he still wants to fix the relationship. I wish it ends the way I used to hate. Then I could look at him as the guy who abandoned me at my lowest point in life.

Those times, I waited. I waited, and I told myself how busy he is. How just wants me to wait. Of course, I blindly guessed. Up to this point I think I'm so dumb to be waiting for uncertained answers. At the end, I was right?

I didn't want it like this. The timing wasn't right. I just couldn't make things go the way I want. I wanted him, and he wanted me to fuck off. I leave, he wants me back. We stay friends, on and off, but it doesn't work. All my plans just fucked themselves, and they were never that smooth.

I want to conclude that being emotionless would be best, but ironically its the other way round.

.

There are things happening. I don't think I'm hiding anything, but I'm just not telling people. When you peeps read my blog, do you know what happened? I spammed my negative stupid thoughts, but that didn't give enough clues bout what happened right?

Like after the incident, every freaking day. When new people come in, it's the same. At the very end, no one helps. There'll be new listeners. I appreciate temporary listeners. Long term ones too, really. Just sometimes I love you guys so much I think it's better if I stop spamming my shit life to you. I think it's better if I just fuck off from everyone's life and stay here being a fucking dumbass. Sometimes I still need it. I need someone to talk to. But at the same time, I don't want to talk.

It's not so bad anymore. It doesn't hurt that much anymore, making someone leave my life. I can call all of you off the damn train, and I'll be okay. (EXCEPT FOR YIP MAN! I CANT EVEN IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT YOU) I duno why. Everything's moderate. I can be moderately sad when bad things happened. It's much worse when my head gives me shits. Thinking a lot makes me much depressed than when bad things really happen.

Why? I think it's the consequences. I forced myself hard, not to invest too much into people. I succeeded. But these are the consequences. I think. I make myself go mad. I screw up my daily life very randomly. It can happen in the middle of a meal, a conversation, a movie, a walk alone to somewhere. My bed is the escape route. Don't tell me to talk to my parents bout it. They gonna look at me like I'm hopeless. I am indeed hopeless, but Idw them to see me that way. You know? I want normal treatment. I can do this thing alone, like always. I can go to my bed and screw up that particular day. Don't help me, don't talk to me. Don't let me depend on you. I'd want to talk to you badly, but I'm making myself learn to swallow these shit consequences alone.

It's hard, but it's a necessity. I'll numb myself. I'll make it better day by day. Maybe it'll get better? Since wood is gone for good... Maybe I'll get better cuz he's out of my life. It's a tough decision to be done without hesitation. But I've done it anyway. Maybe I'll go back to normal. Or maybe I'll live with the fear of relationships forever. That's okay I guess, everyone have phobias. I just have this weird one. Weird is good anyway. Weird is goos. Ahahaha.

Fml I'm totally fine. Jaclyn taught us another part bout reaction kinetics. I absorbed all well. I swear this is the day I understand the most in my life. I'm talking bout chemistry. Uhm. Myself too. I'm not that messed up. I'm clear abt my own thoughts, it just bothers me.

Yeah..

.

It all comes back when I'm alone, daydreaming. Sitting in a corner to think can literally make me go mad. I'll just think about everything. Conversations, exams, friends, moon, badminton.

I don't mind breaking streaks, yip man. Really. Cuz I sometimes thought of breaking them. Sometimes, I want to turn off my phone for 24 hrs and just die. Sometimes, it's just like that.

Maybe this is why I don't have achievements. Too many what ifs. Too many shit doubts. Too much daydreaming. I can't do this. I can't do that. Too many whys.

I can't be bothered. I can't be looked after. I'm gonna make you go mad, because I wouldn't listen. I don't want to listen. I might say no even when I want to say yes. I don't wanna get manipulated. I don't want to lose control over myself. I don't wanna become an idiot and do stupid things for someone. For all of that, you'll suffer. Don't you think? Yeah I'm a rebel. A proud rebel. But I'm conflicting. I feel like I'm forcing myself. It's like I don't even know what I want.. control, or... What?

What if I get to make all the decisions, but I'm not happy? What if I get to do anything I like but you don't like that? At the end of the day, it sucks. As long as I care, I'll let you make me do things, too. And I hate being like that.

I no longer look forward to hugs. When you're insecured, when you're in pain, but you're alone, you get use to it. You get use to the pain, and it numbs your soul. I lost him, and this is the crap I became. I don't need anyone. I just need myself. I'll be there. I'll be here. So don't get new habits, cuz I'll become a worse crap to get numb. Don't develop habits. Don't make a home out of someone or something. Even badminton ends.

The day badminton quits my life is the day I'd die.

"No achievements"

Mom was trying to tell us a story. About a lady she knows, which is a very very positive person, who satisfies so easily with her son that has "no achievements". Wow. No achievements? The mom praised the son like crazy, but you described him to us as "no achievements"?

I'm wrecked. So I kinda question her. So what do you describe me? No achievements too, right?

We kinda had a lot of twists. Gah.

At the end, she said, she tells her friends that I can achieve anything that I'm going for. When I was little, I never success to learn stuff whenever taught, because I reject learning. And when I want to, I do it easily. After watching a taiwan movie, I literally played the song again and again in a few days, and mastered it.

Is that how she thinks? But that's not me anymore. That was when I was twelve. When I was little. I'm not that me anymore. I want to play well, but I don't reach far for badminton. I want to ace my studies, but I don't have the brains and determination. There are many things I want to do. I want to get slim and get firm neat abs, I want to speak english fluently without being looked down. I want to be the one that does things well. I hasn't gave up, but I just can't do it. What if she figures that out?

Am I a daughter with "no achievements"? So much work to do, but feelings screw up everything almost everytime. Emotions. So now what? Now what??;