.

There are things happening. I don't think I'm hiding anything, but I'm just not telling people. When you peeps read my blog, do you know what happened? I spammed my negative stupid thoughts, but that didn't give enough clues bout what happened right?

Like after the incident, every freaking day. When new people come in, it's the same. At the very end, no one helps. There'll be new listeners. I appreciate temporary listeners. Long term ones too, really. Just sometimes I love you guys so much I think it's better if I stop spamming my shit life to you. I think it's better if I just fuck off from everyone's life and stay here being a fucking dumbass. Sometimes I still need it. I need someone to talk to. But at the same time, I don't want to talk.

It's not so bad anymore. It doesn't hurt that much anymore, making someone leave my life. I can call all of you off the damn train, and I'll be okay. (EXCEPT FOR YIP MAN! I CANT EVEN IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT YOU) I duno why. Everything's moderate. I can be moderately sad when bad things happened. It's much worse when my head gives me shits. Thinking a lot makes me much depressed than when bad things really happen.

Why? I think it's the consequences. I forced myself hard, not to invest too much into people. I succeeded. But these are the consequences. I think. I make myself go mad. I screw up my daily life very randomly. It can happen in the middle of a meal, a conversation, a movie, a walk alone to somewhere. My bed is the escape route. Don't tell me to talk to my parents bout it. They gonna look at me like I'm hopeless. I am indeed hopeless, but Idw them to see me that way. You know? I want normal treatment. I can do this thing alone, like always. I can go to my bed and screw up that particular day. Don't help me, don't talk to me. Don't let me depend on you. I'd want to talk to you badly, but I'm making myself learn to swallow these shit consequences alone.

It's hard, but it's a necessity. I'll numb myself. I'll make it better day by day. Maybe it'll get better? Since wood is gone for good... Maybe I'll get better cuz he's out of my life. It's a tough decision to be done without hesitation. But I've done it anyway. Maybe I'll go back to normal. Or maybe I'll live with the fear of relationships forever. That's okay I guess, everyone have phobias. I just have this weird one. Weird is good anyway. Weird is goos. Ahahaha.

Fml I'm totally fine. Jaclyn taught us another part bout reaction kinetics. I absorbed all well. I swear this is the day I understand the most in my life. I'm talking bout chemistry. Uhm. Myself too. I'm not that messed up. I'm clear abt my own thoughts, it just bothers me.

Yeah..