.

It all comes back when I'm alone, daydreaming. Sitting in a corner to think can literally make me go mad. I'll just think about everything. Conversations, exams, friends, moon, badminton.

I don't mind breaking streaks, yip man. Really. Cuz I sometimes thought of breaking them. Sometimes, I want to turn off my phone for 24 hrs and just die. Sometimes, it's just like that.

Maybe this is why I don't have achievements. Too many what ifs. Too many shit doubts. Too much daydreaming. I can't do this. I can't do that. Too many whys.

I can't be bothered. I can't be looked after. I'm gonna make you go mad, because I wouldn't listen. I don't want to listen. I might say no even when I want to say yes. I don't wanna get manipulated. I don't want to lose control over myself. I don't wanna become an idiot and do stupid things for someone. For all of that, you'll suffer. Don't you think? Yeah I'm a rebel. A proud rebel. But I'm conflicting. I feel like I'm forcing myself. It's like I don't even know what I want.. control, or... What?

What if I get to make all the decisions, but I'm not happy? What if I get to do anything I like but you don't like that? At the end of the day, it sucks. As long as I care, I'll let you make me do things, too. And I hate being like that.

I no longer look forward to hugs. When you're insecured, when you're in pain, but you're alone, you get use to it. You get use to the pain, and it numbs your soul. I lost him, and this is the crap I became. I don't need anyone. I just need myself. I'll be there. I'll be here. So don't get new habits, cuz I'll become a worse crap to get numb. Don't develop habits. Don't make a home out of someone or something. Even badminton ends.

The day badminton quits my life is the day I'd die.