.

Three weeks ago, I get to know this guy through badminton. I'll just call him moon. He's like ginger. Very very similar to ginger except he's the very chinese version. I've ignored ginger, so many times, treating him like half blood prince. He used to be chatty, now not anymore. Now, Moon's that chatty too. How to make boys stop being friendly? I seriously have no idea.

I feel bad. He dragged me into his badminton kaki, which I really like that. Then slowly, I realized, this group of people are from the same highschool. A batch of 91's. Pretty old compared to me. We get to go for supper after badminton. I feel bad because I don't belong there. Yet, moon brought me there. It's just so wrong.

From this group, I even found an MIA graduated student. It's pretty awesome cuz we have mutual friends. :3 he's a composer & pianist. Such a small world.

Both ginger and moon are crazy badminton addicts. Like wood, like me. That's how we get along. It's awesome knowing new people, having new badminton gangs.

Idk if I'm doing right.

What would you do when your heart says yes but brain says no?
Are you gonna choose the route that'd hurt you for a long time, or the route that hurt you one or two days, but happy forever?
It's contradicting.
She said, training has discontinued? Good.
Suddenly he told me to go back.

I was trying to get comfortable on my own, without seeing him. I was trying to smile from inside, and get rid of the thoughts of him. I was trying to let go, and he asked me to go back.

Of course I'm happy. I'm really happy. Heart wants to go for it, but brain told me, it's gonna make me die. It's gonna torture me to death. Brain told me, I settled down for a new environment then stay with it. I started a new training then I belong there now.

Heart used to always win.

Brain told me, yeah he wouldn't like it if he knew, but he doesn't give shit anymore. He doesn't care anymore so I shouldn't too. Brain told me, stop following my heart because that kills.

Brain told me, I gotta stop all this bullshit and live my life without him.

I don't care anymore.

Wood.

There's something I thought about all night, wood. You could easily make me smile, change huge decisions, change my mood.

You treated me different all the time. I'm assuming, because you knew we couldn't be together anymore. You still care, but you didn't want to. You didn't want me to think that you're gonna come back because you won't come back anymore.

I love you more than I should. You know that. Idk if you still love me, but I know that you still care. I also know that we don't match. Like you said. We can't be together. You're poison to my soul, and I'm a burden in your life. Even if we still love each other, I understand.

I gotta make best decisions for my life, which is.... Stay away from you.

Last night I thought about us, so deeply. Didn't change any bit. It still hurts as much as last year, today. I thought about the moments I was just right next to you. It was so perfect, that's what tores me apart at midnight. That's what screwed my pillows again.

And then the way you hurt me. Everything you've done.

Ever since I fell for you, I went crazy. Crazy over you. I'd do stupid decisions. I was always depressed. It was because of our relationship.

I always knew, because I was always depressed. I just didn't want to let you go.

I know what's best for me but I just wouldn't.

We were just a pair of couple that's hurting each other in any way. Of course there were good times. But you know what's best for us, and that's why you broke us up. Despite anything.

I love you for loving me.
I'd stop asking.

Maybe one day we'd be together. Just maybe.

Wood

A few pretty satisfying stuff happened yesterday. Being with wood is full of ups and downs. Even after we've broke up, as long as he makes an effort to appear in my life, it would be rollercoaster. I like to think that he uses badminton with the dj team as an excuse to text me a bit. Still feeling crappy, yesterday we had badminton. I got there early, so I was flipping my bio notes. He was freaking adorable as he snatched it. His comment was gold.

You could sell this with at least 300 and above. I don't deny how precious the notes are. I mean hey. I spent so much time managing it, making everything easy understandable and informative. Thank you for that :D thennn he tested me about myasthenia gravis. You see, I have the answer in my head, I swear. I thought about drooping eyelids, and those other symptoms. It was like *I'm thinking about destroyed acetylcholine receptors, but I doubt myself too fucking bad I didn't dare to answer it* This is my fucking weakness. When can I be confident? Just fucking say it out yh. I'm not always wrong. I can be right, this is bio! Bloody heeellll.

I avoided posting stuff about my new training because I didn't tell him yet. It's unfair if I were to tell random bloggers before telling him. I guess I made an awesome choice by telling him. His reaction, was asking me to join him. I stared at him until he was uncomfortable lmao.

Are you... Asking me to go with you???
Of course he denies. He's just too $&@($((.
<3 awesome.

So there was full of shits. It's like I found my new paradise and my number one priority asks me to go back. Think about the time we could be next to each other. Could I ever say no? I sincerely want to go both, but that's not possible.

I have a friend here. I kinda like this. I've talked to arrogant about it, he was soooo lmao. I mean heh I've never had this struggle before. It's like choosing in between green tea and tiramisu flavored cakes. I can't even make a choice. Both are gold. Just ugh. The best thing is both green tea and tiramisu tried hard to make me pick them. Wow. I feel... Appreciated HAHHAHAA in my dreamsss.

I freaking love his tiny unobvious encouragement he gave after each shot, when we played against two strangers from neighbouring court. That's something I never got from him before. <3 he's slightly different, there. I thought I made a bad decision going for badminton in a shitty condition. But naaah it was the best choice.

So I talked bout it to arrogant. Damnnn it was a satisfying convo. I had a few things confirmed. Firstly, HE COMPLIMENTED MY ENGLISH HAHAHA OK it's just unusual to get tiny encouragements from these kind of arrogant psychos. I mean hey. I never spoke English to him. Not that I speak to anyone else :/ anyways he tried to convince me to stay. Haha I didn't tell him that nobody could possibly convince me to do anything except myself.

Secondly, I've had my sciences improving. Uhm duh. Actually I didn't need anyone to confirm that shit. But... His results dropped. Actually I don't understand. He's a fucking genius, why did it dropped. Can effort be more effective than talent? Or maybe everyone just changed.

I remember this guy didn't used to like physics as much as other sciences. But he's actually working harder for it. I remember I used to think science will never be my thing, but if I'm gonna think abt how hard these college level sciences are compared to highschool level, DAMN I've improved up to some stage I'd never imagine myself to be if it was the same me last year. Maybe things can be changed after all. Maybe there's no such thing as impossible after all.

I'm going to say no for once after that day. It wasn't because of you. I found out that I have more transport problems that I imagined. But you know me, I'm going to miss you like crazy still. We might not be in the same training, but hey think about it. We'd still be having training at the same moment. It's just.... You'd be far away like always. I hope it's okay for you. This coach over here has found my problem the first time he seen me stroke. And he's fixing it, instead of sighing, and saying that I'm extremely hopeless. If you look at how the girls there play, you'd believe me. I found a good coach. We can always go with the dj team when pineapple's back. I guess I didn't have a choice. I always thought, it seems like I've reached a level that I'm unable to improve. But this coach gave me hope. I mean hey no one's helping me to fix my terrible swings. Maybe I can do much better than this. Badminton is hobby. It's also something I'd like to be good at. :3

Anyways one more thing we had bio today. Maybe not my strongest after all. Ugh. Honestly I drove my half dead shell to college, it was terrible. Worst driving ever. Not that I've hit something.... But hey raising my arms took 90% of that energy. I thought I was definitely gonna die during bio. Thank god I finished the paper.
.
_^$$;("(#('( life's good. Life's better when I decided to disappear from someone's notification, but he volunteerily appeared in mine. TWICE, YESTERDAY. God damnit it's the best goodnight. Some people like to say "I DON'T CARE". But when it comes to horoscopes, they look at the person's horoscope that they "don't care". That's already enough for me.

Presyncope

I woke up better than yesterday. So I thought, it's gonna be ok. Well guess what? Still lethargic like yesterday. Well yesterday I rested whenever I like, just sitting there and chill. But today, I didn't.

Skipped breakfast to avoid diarrhea. I'm fucking certained, I couldn't digest anything.

I stroked with this guy for awhile, almost dead. The two girls are good, but they looked dry, and I looked like rain poured on me. Bloody hell.

It was just a few lobs. Two vs one lobbing. Usually wasn't an issue for me. I know how tired I was, so I went second. Almost died. After the last girl, it's hard to describe. I don't even think she's done her five minute. I just said, I can't do this anymore. So we stopped.

Exhausted as fuck. Trying to walk with the blurry vision you get after squatting for a long time. Yeah. I walked few meters to my bottle with that, it felt like forever. It's like I'm drunk and Idk if I was walking straight, except I was mentally 100% conscious. It fucking sucks. The headache, the shitty feeling in the shoulders. I'm pretty sure if I hang on there I'd faint lmao.

The girls made sure I reach outside safety to get some air. Thanks man. The first thing: lie down. Few mins later, I could hear so clearly it made me realized my ears felt like I'm on top of the mountain before putting my head on the floor.

The last time I went to training being sick, was long time ago I guess. And it wasn't even this bad. I think this is how it feels like before you faint. Lightheaded as fuck. Then boom. Collapse.

Except I sat down to chill, so I skipped the last part. Damn. That was close, but still, very very scary. Next time, should I ignore everything and go for training??

I chilled outside with the construction workers. And got back into the courts cuz it was windy. Windy=cold + passive smoke gets to me. The brothers' be like "are u ok". Yup. I walked around to make sure my head's normal again. And woohoo they let me play.

Doubles. Half mix. Three girls and a boy. In this case, three of us girls play much better than the guy lmao. Sorry bruh. It was bearable. Life's good.

Zero appetite, diarrhea after each meal(even mangoes!!! Fucking mangoes), frequent urination, with a fever, and bad bad lethargy which worsens and causes fainting during physical exercise. What is that? What fuck is that.

DRUG OVERDOSE? (HAHAHAH)

Maybe it's a coincidence. I ate smtg wrong, coincidently I had a fever? Maybe. That makes sense to me about the headache and lethargy. But fucking mangoes??? Maybe I fucked up my GI tract. Ohmygod please end it. I need to study. Fmlfml.

Wood says excessive fibres irritate bowel movement too. My lunch was cabbages, dinner was some leafy greens, and supper was mangoes. Excessive fibers makes sense there. But why is it happening now? I eat greens all the time. But the shit happened two days ago.

It just doesn't make sense.

I just googled everything up. Yup, lightheaded and dizziness are what you get before you faint. Treatment: lie down so the heart could pump easier to the brain.
Causes, one of them were hypoglycemia. Possible. I'm pretty sure with all that diarrhea, I didn't have proper absorption the pass few days, so possible if I don't have enough glucose in my head. Another one is dehydration. Very possible too. Three days. If after bio it still happens, I gotta do smtg. Damn. If not, I'd be not eating things for days. Guess how my weight would become. Guess how can I still play badminton without worrying bout passing out.

PS THIS IS NOT BULIMIA. 😂😂

Sick

I'm feeling like shit. Slept so much throughout the week but still tired. Today we played badminton, and after that, I finally get a fever. That explains the no appetite. I've texted him through a conversation that he'd never see. Monday's bio. Thank god Dork ass's not the one marking. I should be okay even if I didn't study. Tired but unable to sleep. What is this sorcery.

The only thing I can do is lie there and think of him. Wish he's here. Wish he'd do what I've done for him.

Such joke.

Not everyone you care are gonna be there for you even if you'd willingly be there for them.

Such cruel reality.

I gotta get my burning ass up for bio. It's bio. No Matter what happened, I'm gonna ace it.

AS vs badminton

AS is next week. I'm excited for badminton. Wth. And my friends are all so adorable.

No, yh, don't go. That two hours are gonna exhaust you to death.

It's night. If I play at night, I'm gonna sleep anyways.

Trials told me that I could firmly pass chem and math. What can be worse?

I've got back a few of the papers. Math wasn't so bad, I've got the marks higher than any of my highschool math. It's a firm pass. Then chem, the earliest chem paper would be subjective questions. That part of chem, is the part I'm best at.

Should I go play? I could possibly have a new badminton kaki, and next time I'd survive completely without training.

Yes I should go. I'm that confident in paper2.

I screwed practical. Objectives was always fucking hard. Paper two pulled up the marks so so greatly.

Not saying I'm gonna stop studying, it's just two hours, maybe three, plus the preparing and stuff.

It'll be fine! Thaaaanks friends, you guys are just adorable.

Hey it's badminton. Hey. Hey. :3

Random

Last week was exam. Explains why I didn't blog.
Ooh it was terrible. I screwed a little in each. I even watched two movies the weekend before. Chem, screwed practical. Bio, screwed abit in all three papers. Math, screwed all trigo.

All is well, but not so well, but still ok. I have an empty Saturday. So empty, bearable but still upsetting. I honestly wish coach didn't left, wish we'd still see each other. But the good thing is the old dj team still plays weekly. Wood's gonna see me still. I mean, we gonna see each other. :3

All is well because I think I should be doing ok in trials, not so well because some crazy shits happened with Js. Some arranging problems. The weekend, I went to ipoh. Grandpa wasn't well but wasn't so bad. It's cool that I understand some terms. A highschool pure science student that concentrates in class should probably understand "hypoalbuminemia", and "pneumonia". They be like deng how do you understand that. I'm like it's common sense. But then, still ok, because I saw his name popped in my fb notification.

He liked a photo of mine, I was hoping someone could do something with it to round up the number, 99. Ocd problems. Nobody did, but him. He did it after a week it's uploaded. blabla no big deal......... F it, It's a damn big deal. :D I was thinking, maybe he missed me and tapped in to view, and accidentally liked it? Maybe he was dared to do it? What made him did it? Hehehe fml I'm so happy I shouldn't. He wasn't mean to me too, these days. Just normal, we're just normal amd nice. Idk if it's a bad thing.

Life's good, I've caught so many Pokémons in ipoh. I played it too much I think I should quit.

Damn, I miss him. 😊😊😊😊😊 I'm gonna just smile and wait for us to meet up omg.