I've been looking at photos. The photos I specifically selected to be kept in my phone, just for fun.

My first wasn't there. I was probably really pissed at him for some time, to the point I deleted our only photo there. Even ET's photo remained there.

Biggest change I noticed is my attire when I hang out with the alcoholics. I used to wear simple, T shirt, collared shirt. After that, I changed a little. A little fancier. Then at the end, more girlish attire most peeps wear in pubs. Lesser cloth, maybe. But not to the super sexy point la.

It was some changes. Haha.

I missed Loong. I missed cinnamon. Doctor. Gold. Crisp.

It's conflicting how I miss a lot of people who used to be in my life, but no longer put in effort to those in the presence due to distrust. It's quite exhausting isn't it ? Know people, get too close, fuck things up, go back to the original spot, or maybe worse. What's the point anyway? since we'll never really know the intentions of people.

With the set of thinking I have rn, I know I'm gonna offend almost everyone. But Idk. Ahah. Maybe my close friends are weird, that they can never be offended.

Horizontal line texted me. Such huge misunderstanding. Ok let me intro. An old badminton training mate, prob from five yrs ago. We had one movie together back then, I know he was a little into me. But that time, I thought he was scary. To think back abt it, he wasn't that scary. He was just extremely dramatic. HAHA. He acts like Kdrama male leads who does those kind of crazy moves to try be different.

I bumped into him months ago after training when I was still with a guy.

So it's sometimes really annoying when people ask, "that guy"? And I had to be like um no another guy. Life is a pile of shit.

It's pretty weird that I'm suddenly having two bookings. I mean. I don't even talk to many people nowadays. No boys in my sem, not even playing badminton. I only talk to my lab partner which is a guy. That one is like a chunk of wood. Confirm good guy. Then again, we never know.

Two bookings! I forgot how it's like to be fully booked that they had to follow my schedule. I was much more busier, now I'm always free to be booked. Weird, because I do go out with guys, but still they don't ever change my amount of hatred towards guys. Weird.....

Let's hope I go back to normal. This hate is not making my life easy.

People are shit

Somedays I don't remember what exactly is trust. Trusting a friend. Trusting new people. Trusting anyone I had known for years. Trusting coursemates on part of exam marks.

I know, nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. I can't get 10/10 for each task, I don't expect everyone can. But I rather do all the job all by myself, and get the marks completely of what I deserve, even if it's super low. Idk. Some nights I try to picture myself, requesting to the lecturers whether I can go solo on all the reports. It's so.... Isolated. But that's actually what I really want.

It's my fault. Going solo too much, to the point I'm basically super solo most of the time, while others have a stable team. I don't. How do I survive in the future??? I have no fucking clue. The attitude. Some of them passed by the library and saw me. They'd be damn happy because we were coincidentally teammates. You'd be happy if you see your teammate being hardworking isn't it. No hard feelings, I know how the world works.

I know, I can't really get the kind of friends I get when we were in primary school anymore. It's quite impossible. I got less active in badminton. Cuz badminton got me into all this shit. I know. I can't blame badminton, I can't stop badminton. Reality wants us to have connections. Badminton is my way to connect with people. But don't you get scared? The people I met from badminton, got me into all this. All this!

I guess I need some time. Not everybody who's played badminton had shits to do with me. So it's not fair to just assume they're all fucktards. I know.

I really have huge issues with people. All people. The only reason I drink less, is because I'm pretty sure I'll get emotional and shits. Or maybe I'll start to scold all the guys around. I will do that for sure. And I can't afford to lose that much anymore. I don't have much to lose, you know.

I regret being with you. I regret trusting you. I regret allowing that. And that. I regret anything to do with you.

My life is getting back to normal. Heh. I'm blessed af. Even tho my eyes look like I have daily breakdowns, I actually don't. My midnights have gotten much better. I stop thinking about the faces and get disgusted. I stop thinking about who I'm supposed to run from. I have a life here, living it, and concentrating on it.

But this is inti, anyway.

I think I feel fine thinking about my first love, since the memories are great.

They thought I made cream puff for ET. Haha. Jokes on them. I don't love ET enough to start making food for him.

Somehow, I'm really glad that I had him as my first. I can't really figure out what went wrong between us, but that's okay I guess.

Why did I went clubbing.
Go clubbing, look at how the males act. Their eyes, hands. They stare, they touch whenever they get the chance. That, is reality. Go clubbing and remind yourself. Guys are bullshit, they just wanna stare at your boobs. They just wanna touch your ass. They just wanna touch and go. Feel disgusted because that is necessary.

Shit phase over

Not everyone is gonna sense the fucked up point in you, and trust me. You don't want anyone to sense it. Cuz when you're holding it up hard, they can easily hit you with one simple sentence: Are you okay?

Well of course if you're strong enough, you'd blurt out yes of course, since when am I not okay? It's life. Everyone has the shit phase.

I think mine has got to be... 3 years back, up to the past week. From exactly this month, three years back. The journey to shit life. And now it's all over, FINALLY!

I can't remember exactly when did life started to turn. I remember, september 2015, I made up my mind to break up with the guy. Recently I'm seeing posters, ig snaps about world physio day. I fucking hate world physio day, tbh. The thing that fucked us up back then. But I guess I was too soft. He easily made me take back that decision, back then. Then proceeded to break us up. Hah. Hilarious. Shits continued.

I'm thankful I get to know moon. He's still a nice friend despite sometimes I dislike his attitude. Everyone will have their weird ass personalities, we don't have to like them. At least, as long as they're sincere, it's all acceptable. But, we never know when exactly they're sincere. We only know who the sincere people are when we no longer have the tendency to benefit each other, isn't it? How sad. But I'm pretty sure, moon is real.

Not ET. Idk about loong. Idk bout doctor. Idk bout gold. Idk them all. We all become real when alcohol is involved. But it's a different case when the alcohol doesn't affect them. Alcohol affected me, it doesn't go both ways. No matter how you fully exposed yourselves, that's just you being fucking dumb. Never do that.

Sometimes I think, I really conflict myself. I tell the sad people, speak up, talk to your close friends, and there's where you find a new direction. They'll console, they'll be there for you.
But I guess I don't do that anymore.

Sometimes you state facts, and people be like "Wow. True, but such a depressing fact." Sometimes your feelings will be slightly exposed from the little things. But the good thing is, you look too confident, which doesn't look depressed at all. And that's how, they won't ask. Haha.

My life is fucking blessed. I still have my shitty eyesight. I still have large crazy appetite. I still love exercise. I love maintaining whatever I do. So no, lion, that doesn't sound depressing asf. I do have close friends out there. If I can keep things up, I shouldn't have to bother them. And it's okay like that.

If people want to show care, they will find ways to show you that, no matter how okay you are. But that doesn't mean they care. People always have intentions. Of course I'd be a piece of shit if I'm gonna assume they want shit from me whenever they sincerely concern. But who knows? If you've been played like a toy, are you gonna trust?

Just because they told you not to drive with eyes this condition, it doesn't mean they care.

Idk how they always relate topic to my exes.

Just because it was salty fishguy's birthday, sis mentioned I made failed cream puff. Yes, I made it for my first for his birthday. He still said it was delicious, even tho I know, he was trying to make me feel better. According to his high standard taste buds, he'd never think that was delicious. He was really sweet tho. Haha. Seng asked, when was that ex an ex. I said, about five months back.

Then they be like huh? I thought you were still with him not long ago. And I'd have to say, that's the next one. Not current, ex too. Why? Because he's old and he's heartless. I can't satisfy him. Is that the best way to phrase it? Then they'd be like, how old? Oh that age, is normal to be hamsap.

Then seng starts asking. How do you know a 28 year old guy? And it goes back to, due to badminton.

Ish. Why.

Everyone's sweet when they don't know you. They'd be polite. They'd concern for a stranger more than... a close friend.

I've had eye issues. But I never ffk. So I go to wherever planned. But the eyes made me wear shades to literally everywhere. And when I didn't wear, they'd ask me. Why are your eyes so red. I'd say, I haven't check it out yet but it's been like this for awhile. And they be like oh let us arrange someone to drive you all. And it was pretty sweet.

Con even asked me to snap a photo of the contacts I wear so that he can ask his friend whether if it's safe or not.

I don't even think I know guys. They can act like they're super caring and generous. At the end, it's all just a show.

Salty fish came over. She asked me, how's my bf. I said, I broke us up. She said, her friend told her to inform him when we broke up, because he wants to go after me.

HAHAHA funniest thing I've heard in awhile.

There's actually someone who's waiting for my availability??? Erhem. Thanks a lot. But. Hah. Salty fish's friend, who else could that be. All drunkards. All, alcoholic frequent clubbers. I've seen what one can do to me. No more.

Boys will be boys. That guy, doesn't even know me. Hilarious. I didn't even put make up or wear cute skirts. Weird ass taste. most importantly, my hatred towards guys aren't gonna subside soon. Maybe a couple years. Idk.

Coach was hilarious too. She asked me about my first. And then, I said, he quit already. I said, we're not together anymore. lmao. Then she was like. Kahoo, are you single? Jj, are you single? You can consider them. HAHA. What kind of female coach..i should ask her back. Coach, are you single? 😂

It doesn't matter.