.

My mind is fucked.

I have a couple of customized notifications, but they all turn to uncustomized if I mute my phone. It's for class. Everyone has the same notification which is just yellow blink. Wood texted me.

Can you hear the shattering sounds, the screams? I can. Stop, stop. I cringe seeing his name, I think he'd give me a heart attack one day. It's not what he said in the conversation. It's what he used to say and I got nervous bout it. So nothing chaotic happened, it's a little plan. I felt like he finally wants to talk when I didn't want to talk. So we do need to meet up. 

But still I screwed up something else. 

For bio, we were learning energy and respiration. The fucked up chapter that I can't ever get myself to learn it. It's so complicated, but today, in class, I think it was worse than studying by my own. None fucking word get into my head. I think I learnt a bit, and fucked up rest of the chapter. 

If ONLY I could just turn off the damn phone during class, it'll be fine, wait, maybe not. Maybe I'll screw up after class is over. If only! Too late! Gosh! Shits gotta happen. Everything I do is a mistake. I go, I don't go. I hold tight, I let go. I miss, I stop. Every fucking thing. Nothing I do can ever just be fine. Right? WHY? 

Life is so conflicting. Can I ever do something without getting shits? Can I ever do anything and feel fucking free and glad to do it? NO! No. So fucking exhausted. 

I seriously wish one day I get into some fucked up accident and forget every fucking thing. Like everything. Forget everyone. Maybe just not my family. Everyone. Maybe I should just really. Stay away from people. Any fucking human. 

I wish I can live without blogging. For just one month. Let me sleep for a month. I don't wanna write anymore. But can I? Blog is like my only friend who doesn't do anything. Like it doesn't judge me. It doesn't tell me what to do. No advices. No judgements. It just lets me spill and spill and release anger, sorrow, anything. 

It's just useless. 

As long as I'm alive, I will never ever satisfy anyone. Might as well I fuck off. 

Chem class

Back to college! First damn class: Chemistry. Jaclyn has the tendency to give everyone chills. Gah I was excited, and she brought back all the pressure, the tension. Ok rewind. She's my chemistry lecturer. Pretty much one of the reasons I can say that I still have good lecturers.

"Paper 4 is hard because it includes everything you've learn, and paper 5 is very hard too, you get the complete experiment and you observe." (what if I'm too dumb to understand the experiment? ohgosh)

Seriously I like her teach. She's damn fast, but she made me study by my own just to catch up! I mean, very few people can make me such a good girl. Uhm. I'm gonna expect lots of exercises soon, then I'm gonna go crazy. Looking at her face makes me stress enough. But it's a good thing.

:D

Soft Epilogue

I realize we lie a lot especially about "I don't care". I don't care anymore. I let go. But have I? I did let go. I let go the urge to fix our relationship, that's all, right? I do care. I feel so conscious. Not blinded at all. A few crazy spams, I thought alot when I do that. Then I said them. It must be terrible. Maybe you believed me when I said I will never ever let go like I believed you. Who knows, when you broke your promise, I broke mine. Who knows, you were actually hoping, but didn't bother to let me know, leaving me playing your damn mind games.

If in the future we're still together, ....
A year. All of that is enough to tell me that "IF" will never happen.
Indirectly, wood, "us" will never happen anymore. From that fucking moment. It's already over.

Relationships are full of expectations, I guess? If they didn't broke up due to another person, it'll all be those damn expectations. You expect me to change my habits, I expect you to accept me loving to do things, she expects him to act for love madly despite her directions in life, he expects her to understand that he doesn't want to make her feel caged. All these shits lead to 'oh let's just fucking break up'. How wonderful! We care for each other so much and it made us all suffer. Stupid drama.

At least you don't do that to friends right?

Throughout the year, I texted the most with wood, yesterday. It wasn't like old times. Cross off the smiles, replace with anger and tears. I feel like the break up just happened yesterday. I was dumb af. Not anymore. Now I gotta keep my words. I say I give up, it means, I give up. I used to be so volatile that I can't keep my words. Today I say I give up, tomorrow I say I still love him. No, not anymore.

One year trying to fix us, it proved that I could live without your kisses, your care. I could live without you asking about my day, my life. I could live without tagging you, going out with you. I could smile too, very happily too. And better. I'll go have more piercings as planned. I can go out with my friends stressless, cuz I'm free from you. I'm free from anyone. I can do the things I like, I can sleep as late as I want, look at my Whatsapp as late as I want and not get any fucking pressure. I'm happier without you. One year proved all these. Of course there are still countless nights I get fucked up. One word from you, one comment makes my day go screwed. I fucked myself up because I care! Duh, I still do, but that doesn't change the fact that US will not have any future together.

One day, I'm gonna go for karaoke and sing all the sad songs without thinking of you, without missing you, without having that little painful inside. I'm gonna go through my stuff and mistakenly see the stuff you left behind, and I'll be okay. I'll fix my hardisk when I saved enough to do that. I'll flip through my photos and I'll delete our photos and not cry while doing that. I'll remove my whatsapp background, my laptop account dp. I'll remove our photos in fb that I've customized privacy "only me". I'll be so happy alone I forgot how happy you used to make me. Then when we go for badminton, I will not look at you that way anymore. One day, that will happen. And when I heard news about you moving on, I'll be happy for you too. I'll wish you happy with whoever your girl is.

I wish you learn how to let them out. Let her know about your thoughts, or else she will suffer too. Not just voluntarily squeeze time out just to be with her. It's not really fair. She has rights to know about it, cuz she cares too. You gotta let her know, and let her appreciate you. Maybe she'd tell you to go for them, go and be busy for yourself, cuz she wants you to be happy too. And please, believe her.

You're a great great guy. I love the way you describe your passions, the way you want to repay your family, the way you want to do for the society. You still do inspire me. I'll always remember the day we had training, and when I asked about your dream career. You were so bright. I was thinking, I want to be like this senior. I literally went back home and studied. :) I'll always remember that day when I said, wood I just had finals results, I'm sad. Motivate me. And you did. I really do appreciate everything you've done to me. Now on, I'll try to just remember about the great things you've done. It was great, right? 

Wood

And the fucking second time I thought it was over, you came back knocking my door. What do you want?

There's always gotta be a guy that makes you go blind, go mad, not yourself anymore. I found him. He left me. I tried to fix us, I thought I failed. I let go. He came back.

If it was me two months ago, I wouldn't hesitate and jump right into his arms. I'd go back to that life I thought I wanted. And go blind, be a fucking depressed person for life, convincing myself that I want this life.

Wood you were really clear when you broke us up. We aren't suitable for each other. You're toxic to my heart, and I'm chaos to your thoughts. Why come back? Think about the reason you broke us up. Think about it.

If you were me, would you even go back to you? A year. All you've done, you fucked up my life so bad, and now you say you care? Wood, no, you don't. If you care, you wouldn't treat me that way when I just purely wanted to fix us. You wouldn't do that to me, because you know how that tone could destroy me. You know how bad you're hurting me but you still did. You don't care. You don't and you never will anymore.

It's just someone new appeared in my feed, and that triggered something. You missed me. You missed all the attention I gave you.

Wood, I'm awake right now. Fully awake. You gotta know, how hard it is for me to tell you these stuff. You gotta know how bad I look when I tell you, "I decided to let go, be with whoever you wanna be with." It hurts, but it's how.

I let go, so please, you let go too.

.

I honestly thought everything was going fine. I thought I'm partially forgetting him. Partially moving on.

The dark, the music, it's so familiar.

I remember when we broke up, I didn't want to live anymore. Everyday, I avoided eye contact with my family, so they won't ask. I stayed in my bed all the time, so they don't have to see me cry. I always have a towel with me in bed, to cover my mouth. With loud music, so my sister doesn't have to hear any sound. I did it so well, she can actually tease me. Deep down, it hurts. But I gotta act like I'm just mad. In school, we sat in a circle. I was so sad I couldn't look at my friends without tearing up.

Depressed moments are over. Completely over. In more than a year, I tried everything. He was expecting something, I don't know what. I tried to talk. Clear things up. Unfortunately, I wanted to talk, he never responded. It's so unbearable. Wood. Do you know? Of course you don't.

I finally decided to give up. And you turned up giving me hope, telling me you were jealous. But wood. It's over. Even if You're still the top in my list, I pushed you away, too. It sucks because I didn't want to, but I must. I must make you leave my life. Why am I so depressed? I thought I was ready? Ready to lose this shit, relationshit or friendshit. I was prepared, but still, you turned up and gave me hope, and made me kick you out of my life.

We are indeed, unsuitable for each other. We're just two person that want each other, but couldn't be with each other. We're all complete by ourselves, relationships are supposed to enhance each others'life, intead, we ruined each other. The way you care fucked up my life. The way you tell me stuff tore me apart. So stop. This is it.

This is the first time, I think you sounded more vulnerable that I am. You're telling me things, and I have no idea what you're saying. Goodbye? Wood, you already said goodbye. You said Bye each time I tried to make up with you. You said Bye when I didn't want to leave. And now, you kept popping up in my notifications. Why? Wood, why?

The moment I said I give up, this is what you do? Wood you can fuck off now. As in fuck off my life. I'll cry for a day, and I'll get over you. I'll be ok afterwards. You? I don't care about you anymore.
When I said I'm tired of your bullshit, I mean it. Despite how many times you're gonna ask me to join your training, I won't go. Just mock me, look down on me, whatever. It won't work anymore, because I don't love you anymore.

.

Honestly I have no idea. I always told myself to expect the worst, but did I? "Don't hope." But deep down inside, I still do.

When plans are called off, leaving you hanging there like a dummy. Are you gonna say, expect everyone's gonna call off plans last minute?

Look around and ask yourself. Are those so called besties still around?
Fortunately yes. Fortunately.

Only wood left, the rest didn't. Then why? Why this negativity?

When you have one friend that's as same as you. Unsure but always comfortable together. "We'll enjoy while it lasts." It sounds like something bad's gonna happen. Did I expect something bad? Yes. But that couldn't stop me from worrying.

Even when I expect wood and I couldn't last, that didn't stop me from terrible break downs. That didn't stop all the worst suicidal thoughts, the insanity.

There's no way to stop all these. So, should I stop trying to push people away? The world is conflicting. Accept, it kills you. Try to avoid shits, it kills you too.

Now what?

1.30 and I'm trying to fall asleep. Perrrrrfect

Holiday

I planned a whole list of syllabus I have to reach in few days intervals for bio & chem, but I actually did nothing in three weeks of holiday. It's just too much holiday mood, I've had it even before exam ended. All I did was badminton, badminton, badminton, gain fats, sleep, drama. It's a very awesome life, but I went so broke, and so... wrong. It's just wrong to spend and spend like that, to have no curfews all the time, even when I'm having fun. 

So yesterday, I did the clean up. The 100% reorganizing my own stuff and shit. My room gets tidier and tidier each day, exclude the occasionally messed up laundry. I had a drawer of all uncatogerized stuff, now all well put and has the place it belongs to. Pure OCD. Yep. Boxes of memorable keychains and unmemorable ones, boxes of highschool memories, boxes of memories that should be thrown away but still kept. I put most of his stuff there. Most of them, cuz I realized I still miss him and didn't wanna put away all of them. There's just one tiny photo left in the wallet. 

Holidays are ending. I don't wanna regret. I felt like I'm going to, cuz there's still stuff expected to be done but not done yet: karaoke. Well, I can't believe I actually did it. Drama queen told me to expect nothing, so I didn't, but I still hoped. Dumb me. Moon made it happen. Very thankfully. It's the first time I get to control the remote, so I guess I just have to make sure he knows all the songs I've chosen. Fortunately, he knows sooooo many of Jay Chou's songs. And whatever I listen to. It's actually so awesome, but there's so little time! 

Karaoke makes people sentimental. Maybe just me? Idk. The lyrics make me think, make me sad, but just for a little while. It's still wood, I still think about wood a little too much. Maybe that's why it's still us at my laptop user dp? Maybe that's why it's still us in my whatsapp background. I feel like it's a need to remember. Remember it all, but put it aside just to remind myself. Let go, but don't really let go so I will never ever repeat the same mistake. Listening to them could possibly make me so depressed. Singing it crazily out loud helps release. All that frustration, it's finally over. I think it's cool to karaoke with just one person. I've always wanted to karaoke alone for once (that will definitely happen. Just me). I like to really have the chance to hear my own voice. How I sound, how it's like. Today I had the chance, I guess I wasn't so so bad? As long as it's in my range. Hm. Moon was crazy funny. Honestly wish we have more time so we could try more of his favorites too. Ughh actually felt bad. And he's sick! I could've easily called off the plan if I knew. 

It's an awesome day. Awesome holiday too. People promise what they think they can do for ten minutes. It's nice to listen, but not so nice if you're expecting something. What I learnt from life: expect the fucking worst. One thing I didn't expect from wood was a big bad break up before spm. Spending time with him, I knew it wasn't gonna last anyway. He had so so many lovely promises, some even sworn. Rivergrass had one too. I think he forgotten, maybe he didn't? Or the promise suddenly became too meaningless to be kept? Moon kept, a few so far. The main point is we karaoke'ed' together! Pure awesome. Thankyou for making my day being with me with your stuffy nose. 

Finding sentimental stuff in everything has became a habit. Legend of the blue sea is a freaking comedic drama. With one of my favorite actor, still, there's always a little sad fact in all lovely quotes. They aren't even real. Part of me wish it has a sad ending, cuz there's no such thing as happily ever after. Make it realistic, make us all broken because happiness is like a drug. It's so dangerous, and it makes you want to die when the source leaves. While part of me still hope for a happy ending, cuz it satisfies my little fantasy deep down inside. 

This is one of the holidays with the most ups and downs. It's a positive thing. I mean. Last year end too, but it was the most depressing year end. Holiday well spent, but not good enough cuz I was too lazy(wish I was hardworking). It's a satisfying one because I gained one potential best friend. Life, if you wanna take him away, I will be completely, speechless. Just please, don't do that to me anymore. Believing is such a risky, life-threatening thing, and I'm doing it.  How brave am I, lol. 

Tomorrow, I can start studying.