I realize we lie a lot especially about "I don't care". I don't care anymore. I let go. But have I? I did let go. I let go the urge to fix our relationship, that's all, right? I do care. I feel so conscious. Not blinded at all. A few crazy spams, I thought alot when I do that. Then I said them. It must be terrible. Maybe you believed me when I said I will never ever let go like I believed you. Who knows, when you broke your promise, I broke mine. Who knows, you were actually hoping, but didn't bother to let me know, leaving me playing your damn mind games.
If in the future we're still together, ....
A year. All of that is enough to tell me that "IF" will never happen.
Indirectly, wood, "us" will never happen anymore. From that fucking moment. It's already over.
Relationships are full of expectations, I guess? If they didn't broke up due to another person, it'll all be those damn expectations. You expect me to change my habits, I expect you to accept me loving to do things, she expects him to act for love madly despite her directions in life, he expects her to understand that he doesn't want to make her feel caged. All these shits lead to 'oh let's just fucking break up'. How wonderful! We care for each other so much and it made us all suffer. Stupid drama.
At least you don't do that to friends right?
Throughout the year, I texted the most with wood, yesterday. It wasn't like old times. Cross off the smiles, replace with anger and tears. I feel like the break up just happened yesterday. I was dumb af. Not anymore. Now I gotta keep my words. I say I give up, it means, I give up. I used to be so volatile that I can't keep my words. Today I say I give up, tomorrow I say I still love him. No, not anymore.
One year trying to fix us, it proved that I could live without your kisses, your care. I could live without you asking about my day, my life. I could live without tagging you, going out with you. I could smile too, very happily too. And better. I'll go have more piercings as planned. I can go out with my friends stressless, cuz I'm free from you. I'm free from anyone. I can do the things I like, I can sleep as late as I want, look at my Whatsapp as late as I want and not get any fucking pressure. I'm happier without you. One year proved all these. Of course there are still countless nights I get fucked up. One word from you, one comment makes my day go screwed. I fucked myself up because I care! Duh, I still do, but that doesn't change the fact that US will not have any future together.
One day, I'm gonna go for karaoke and sing all the sad songs without thinking of you, without missing you, without having that little painful inside. I'm gonna go through my stuff and mistakenly see the stuff you left behind, and I'll be okay. I'll fix my hardisk when I saved enough to do that. I'll flip through my photos and I'll delete our photos and not cry while doing that. I'll remove my whatsapp background, my laptop account dp. I'll remove our photos in fb that I've customized privacy "only me". I'll be so happy alone I forgot how happy you used to make me. Then when we go for badminton, I will not look at you that way anymore. One day, that will happen. And when I heard news about you moving on, I'll be happy for you too. I'll wish you happy with whoever your girl is.
I wish you learn how to let them out. Let her know about your thoughts, or else she will suffer too. Not just voluntarily squeeze time out just to be with her. It's not really fair. She has rights to know about it, cuz she cares too. You gotta let her know, and let her appreciate you. Maybe she'd tell you to go for them, go and be busy for yourself, cuz she wants you to be happy too. And please, believe her.
You're a great great guy. I love the way you describe your passions, the way you want to repay your family, the way you want to do for the society. You still do inspire me. I'll always remember the day we had training, and when I asked about your dream career. You were so bright. I was thinking, I want to be like this senior. I literally went back home and studied. :) I'll always remember that day when I said, wood I just had finals results, I'm sad. Motivate me. And you did. I really do appreciate everything you've done to me. Now on, I'll try to just remember about the great things you've done. It was great, right?
If in the future we're still together, ....
A year. All of that is enough to tell me that "IF" will never happen.
Indirectly, wood, "us" will never happen anymore. From that fucking moment. It's already over.
Relationships are full of expectations, I guess? If they didn't broke up due to another person, it'll all be those damn expectations. You expect me to change my habits, I expect you to accept me loving to do things, she expects him to act for love madly despite her directions in life, he expects her to understand that he doesn't want to make her feel caged. All these shits lead to 'oh let's just fucking break up'. How wonderful! We care for each other so much and it made us all suffer. Stupid drama.
At least you don't do that to friends right?
Throughout the year, I texted the most with wood, yesterday. It wasn't like old times. Cross off the smiles, replace with anger and tears. I feel like the break up just happened yesterday. I was dumb af. Not anymore. Now I gotta keep my words. I say I give up, it means, I give up. I used to be so volatile that I can't keep my words. Today I say I give up, tomorrow I say I still love him. No, not anymore.
One year trying to fix us, it proved that I could live without your kisses, your care. I could live without you asking about my day, my life. I could live without tagging you, going out with you. I could smile too, very happily too. And better. I'll go have more piercings as planned. I can go out with my friends stressless, cuz I'm free from you. I'm free from anyone. I can do the things I like, I can sleep as late as I want, look at my Whatsapp as late as I want and not get any fucking pressure. I'm happier without you. One year proved all these. Of course there are still countless nights I get fucked up. One word from you, one comment makes my day go screwed. I fucked myself up because I care! Duh, I still do, but that doesn't change the fact that US will not have any future together.
One day, I'm gonna go for karaoke and sing all the sad songs without thinking of you, without missing you, without having that little painful inside. I'm gonna go through my stuff and mistakenly see the stuff you left behind, and I'll be okay. I'll fix my hardisk when I saved enough to do that. I'll flip through my photos and I'll delete our photos and not cry while doing that. I'll remove my whatsapp background, my laptop account dp. I'll remove our photos in fb that I've customized privacy "only me". I'll be so happy alone I forgot how happy you used to make me. Then when we go for badminton, I will not look at you that way anymore. One day, that will happen. And when I heard news about you moving on, I'll be happy for you too. I'll wish you happy with whoever your girl is.
I wish you learn how to let them out. Let her know about your thoughts, or else she will suffer too. Not just voluntarily squeeze time out just to be with her. It's not really fair. She has rights to know about it, cuz she cares too. You gotta let her know, and let her appreciate you. Maybe she'd tell you to go for them, go and be busy for yourself, cuz she wants you to be happy too. And please, believe her.
You're a great great guy. I love the way you describe your passions, the way you want to repay your family, the way you want to do for the society. You still do inspire me. I'll always remember the day we had training, and when I asked about your dream career. You were so bright. I was thinking, I want to be like this senior. I literally went back home and studied. :) I'll always remember that day when I said, wood I just had finals results, I'm sad. Motivate me. And you did. I really do appreciate everything you've done to me. Now on, I'll try to just remember about the great things you've done. It was great, right?
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