.

My mind is fucked.

I have a couple of customized notifications, but they all turn to uncustomized if I mute my phone. It's for class. Everyone has the same notification which is just yellow blink. Wood texted me.

Can you hear the shattering sounds, the screams? I can. Stop, stop. I cringe seeing his name, I think he'd give me a heart attack one day. It's not what he said in the conversation. It's what he used to say and I got nervous bout it. So nothing chaotic happened, it's a little plan. I felt like he finally wants to talk when I didn't want to talk. So we do need to meet up. 

But still I screwed up something else. 

For bio, we were learning energy and respiration. The fucked up chapter that I can't ever get myself to learn it. It's so complicated, but today, in class, I think it was worse than studying by my own. None fucking word get into my head. I think I learnt a bit, and fucked up rest of the chapter. 

If ONLY I could just turn off the damn phone during class, it'll be fine, wait, maybe not. Maybe I'll screw up after class is over. If only! Too late! Gosh! Shits gotta happen. Everything I do is a mistake. I go, I don't go. I hold tight, I let go. I miss, I stop. Every fucking thing. Nothing I do can ever just be fine. Right? WHY? 

Life is so conflicting. Can I ever do something without getting shits? Can I ever do anything and feel fucking free and glad to do it? NO! No. So fucking exhausted. 

I seriously wish one day I get into some fucked up accident and forget every fucking thing. Like everything. Forget everyone. Maybe just not my family. Everyone. Maybe I should just really. Stay away from people. Any fucking human. 

I wish I can live without blogging. For just one month. Let me sleep for a month. I don't wanna write anymore. But can I? Blog is like my only friend who doesn't do anything. Like it doesn't judge me. It doesn't tell me what to do. No advices. No judgements. It just lets me spill and spill and release anger, sorrow, anything. 

It's just useless. 

As long as I'm alive, I will never ever satisfy anyone. Might as well I fuck off.