Legend of the blue sea

A damn new drama. There's just four episodes so far. Here are some stuff they said.

“If you love someone… that means you surrender – you lost. In other words, if you love someone then you believe whatever he tells you” -

"Usually, good and pretty things disappear quickly. "
"Like this, with your eyes, you look at it well, and then keep it in your heart. When you have a sad day, you think about it. "

"Protecting someone else is after protecting yourself. That's how the order is. Changing that order is stupid, do you understand?"

Some stuff that's true af. It's just K drama, don't make it sentimental. 😂 I seriously have a problem. It's actually more towards comedy, but I find it sentimental.

Goshhh. Still love it tho <3

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Suddenly it's all so familiar. The bed is still the place where you shed a million tears. Sometimes you swore, over and over again not to get fucked up in bed. You lie on the bed sideways, screen faced inwards, pretending to be asleep so your family doesnt bother you. You swore to just sleep there so exhausted and NO THINKING. Promises are pretty lies, even promises to self. When you promised yourself not to care anymore, not to feel anymore, not to hope anymore..... Deep down inside, you know you wanted the opposite. You want to feel, and care. That's what destroys you.

Kill everything, every hope. Tell everyone, fuck you. Yes it's selfish. Humans are selfish. Ever wondered how awesome the planet would be without us? We're using words, creating dramatic bullshits, killing each other. Fucking chaotic shit.

It's okay to feel shitty. The only reason I'm here is my parents made me. They gotta need somebody, and it's responsible. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, it doesn't matter how I live. I just have to. I don't have to care bout anything else, but if I did and broke myself into pieces, ha, I'm just too dumb, then. It's okay screwing things up. I just have to be a good daughter. Nothing else.

I think my bed lamp is making me sentimental. No, probably everything in my room. I'm so tired of sitting here staring at them. Thinking about stuff, frustrating to death. I wanna make myself so so tired that I forget all drama.

I just want a life with no drama. Is that so hard? Why it feels like I always did everything so so wrongly?

I'm terrible at stuff. I can do 0.1% of everything, that makes me good at nothing. One thing I do best would be failing.

I gave up three damn classes to be with a guy that left me the way I am rn. Still continuing two instruments, without any achievements. I had years of badminton training, passion, but still, zero achievement. I'm wasting money, wasting time, wasting effort. And still, at the end there's just nothing. Studies? Come on. My results dropping harder than anything. Wood have every right to mock me and assume that I'm not gonna ace anything. He's so right that makes me mad. And people? I can never be with people. I can never believe in people. I live too much in the past, I'm gonna make sure it's safe. Even with this fucking careful method, I still screwed up.

How else I have to live? Maybe in this room, without connection. Yeah away from people. Without badminton. That would be fucking best. Save money, time, effort, shits. Save the drama. I'm so exhausted. I hate this. I staring at the ceiling, I hate not being able to sleep because of fucked up shits. I hate myself for existing. is there anything I can do to make it all stop?

Maybe I'm going crazy, I need to get my head checked. Maybe I need to get back to studies and yeah be like that fucked up antisocial kid. I just gotta ignore everyone everything. The only key to happiness is fucking get used to emptiness and never never NEVER EVER let anything in.

Just gotta get numb. Or maybe let everyone in and out as they please? Get fucking immune to people's bullshit. Stop pushing everyone away and be fucking nice to everyone?

This doesn't make any sense at all.

.

Why do I never learn? Let someone in and something bad will happen from the inside. Not gonna write about what shit happened. I wanna spam myself but fb is filled with bullshits.

I wish yip man is awake. Sincerely. Sad thing all food friends and all my psychs are probably asleep.

Life is so tiring. I thought I'm gonna stop letting people in and love badminton forever. Sometimes, loving badminton makes me let people in, and made me hate badminton.

Look at all the people I loved. I know them all through badminton. It'd save me so so much trouble if I didn't start this sport. If I still am that girl who doesn't sweat at all. That little shit. Look what trouble I've brought myself. I can never love badminton. I need to know people to play. But I don't wanna know people.

Push them all away. Kick them all out of my life, and they'd hate me. I don't mind that. What if I miss out one or two? We get close, someone gets hurt.

My bad for letting you in. My bad, for being worried of shits I've caused. I never learn. All these shits told me I shouldn't play this much anymore. Stop badminton and stop all the drama. If life can't be happy at all without badminton, then that's how life is supposed to be. Shut everyone out and stop risking.

Promises are never promises. I will never ever believe in promises. I think I gotta go a day out with drama queen.

Don't get upset, cuz when you feel happy today, you're gonna suffer tomorrow. Just fucking remember, when it hurts again, you repeated your stupid ass mistake. So just stop all this bullcrap.

People don't make any sense at all. Being comfortable is just what kills you. You feel fucking awesome? Because whatever you're doing wants you to feel that way.

No matter what happened, no matter how bad you're trying to believe again, you're just one more step to hell. You're just back in the trap. Everything's gonna repeat itself. One day you stop caring, and someone's gonna try to make you feel happy. Then destroy you. Leave. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Only the day you stop caring, you stop feeling sad. I just gotta stop giving shit. Didn't I knew? I've had this website all my life. NOTHING lasts forever. Nothing even lasts more than two years. Just fucking stop expecting miracles because they don't exist.

I'm so sick of myself.

Last fucking time. If someone tries to be nice, tell them to fuck off. Silent your phone forever because no one's worthy. Love yourself as much as you can because it's how.

2nd day Masiswa

8am.
So exhausted. I feel dumb for waking this early. But the transportation would be more convenient this way. I'm gonna follow my sister to the mall, then meet up with legend after they drop her. Tbh I'm afraid of getting late when it comes to meeting up with people. Arriving early is safer. Probably gonna fall asleep in the shop. I should've slept earlier last night omfg. I actually still feel a little sad to be forced to give up on women's doubles. Supposingly it's gonna be fun. Yesterday I went there but I didn't exactly wasted time. Time well spent, even tho I saw how scarily good the girls play... Idk, it just released the tension, and I got excited to play. Turned out there wasn't much to play. Haaaizzzz.

So legend and I went together by the van. I actually slept. Not a satisfying nap. We got there too early and kinda joined the rest of them at mamak. And guess what, these crazy ass people are just so good at gossiping. They teased legend bout a girl idk who, then my partner mj about his little mistske when he made himself sound gay, then me abt moon. Ughh. Can't guys and girls have pure friendship?

I saw pax the moment I put down my bag and scanned the court. He saw me too. Even tho he's from Taylor's, he still did gave his professional advices. Damn he was so good. Idol. I watched him during semis. The opponent was good too, but. There's an obvious difference. Sometimes you give one short stare and you'd know who's gonna win. Yeah he's just that good. I don't feel like a traitor at all, congratulating him.

Moon came after these crazy asses told him to. They freaking liars. But I didn't stop him because he wants to come anyway. Issh they made it a little awkward. I kicked voon! Gladly. Damn face problem.

5pm
It ended pretty fast. I honestly hope someone took a video of it, so I can aim my weakest parts. Almost all of us lost, including my partner and I, duh.

I think I was too ready for this, but I never looked at the schedule properly. So our names were called. We went. I saw their blue matching shirts. "Taylor's". I know what that means. It means we're losing. Duh. It didn't went well. We were lucky at the start cuz my damn nettings didn't fail me, but after awhile, it did. It just took such a short time to lose a game. But I couldn't recall it very nicely cuz I probably freaked out. Haih. I gotta improve.

I'm so tired. I'd collapse in bed right away rn if I didn't have plans tonight. I wish wood can reply me rn so I know when to get prepared, and maybe sleep before that. `&$*#(#(#

Even tho wood never broke movie promises before. (Wait, actually he did, just once) I almost made myself think he'd call it off last minute. Yup it happened. When you overthink, you have the power to make it happen. Such an ass. I wanna give him my strongest punch I can ever pull out. I FORGIVE HIM. But still, asshole.

I spent the night with my bed, it's the best night ever if I didn't get woken up by my sister.

He's a great guy, they say.
He'll never do whatever your ex did, they say.
Everyone sided him and tried persuading me to be with him. What the hell. Psychos. I really hope we're not gonna involve any of these stuff. If being friends made everything just well, why do they always ruin it with a confession then shits? Why?? Before shits happen I'm just gonna pray it wouldn't happen. Like please.

Break ups are so scary they can tore anything apart. At the end both sides lose a potential best friend. It's just so stupid. Just a moment of fairytale thinking costs this much pain.

And this is what the crazy peeps don't understand.

BBQ

I gotta type. Ahaha.

It's been so long since the last time I drove my mom's car. It's dark. It's night. I fucking drove. It's scary that my neighbor's vios was just parking right opposite. With dad's car obstructing my exit, I spent quite some time trying to reverse that small ass out. Still nervous and pekcek. No cars scratched. Everything ok. I was blur about the location, but we got there. Then I was nervous just knowing how awkward it would be.

He didn't exactly invited me crazily, but he sounded like he'd be so happy if I go, so I went.

I remember there was once, mom invited us, the whole family to join her and her friends in this marathon. We attended. My sister was freaking unhappy the whole time. I actually asked her to accompany me, so she did. I kinda thought it's my responsibility to keep her happy. After awhile, I realized my sister was pissed because mom neglected us and spent more time with her friends.

I came to be supportive for Moon's event, even tho I know he's the busiest there. Ohgosh. Yes it was awkward. That's probably the main reason I sweat so much on the way. I was nervous. I knew I was gonna be in a crowd and stand there like a mute. Honestly it's scary. I'm gonna admit how uncomfortable it is being alone in a crowd. I'm typing this, at this hour, currently sitting on a swing. Swings are awesome. Chilling alone is awesome too, sad thing I left my earphones somewhere far away. But I'm alone enough to play music here. Finally stopped sweating, and I'm actually cold! Lol. Such rare thing to feel in a field.

Go on and conduct your event, I'm going to be ok here. I'm gonna believe that you probably forgotten that I came. It's actually better since you're the kind of person that'd feel guilty leaving me alone. I came to help. So please, at the end of the day, you don't need to apologize. Thank you will do. :3 It's what friends do. I'll just take the time to relax.

2am.
It wasn't so bad, I think. When it ended, I thought Idk how to help out, and I tried making use of my OCD. Moving stuff is so much easier. At least I know I'm not going to become troublesome there, and I was surely helpful. Some habit of mine insisting one way trips no matter how heavy the groceries are. He was kinda busy. I'm just gonna pull out my phone whenever it's awkward. Uhh. It was alot of stuff. I have no idea how to start.

After the moving, they did the sorting while I waited with a guy in the car. So we had a short conversation. Such a talkative person.

I came here to help, because of some sad faces, and because he always helped me.
He's too kind that he's gonna help everyone but neglect himself. We all are so busy, I'm worried abt my project and I'm worried abt his too.
I agree on that so badly. That's why I came.

That's a nice friend. To think of it, I actually have friends like that too. Shell and stomata actually gasped and told me pls don't go for badminton for the sake of AS results. Aw. Fully appreciated rn.

The last task was the washing. I think it's ok. Usually I'd drag and drag. I know I still gotta finish the job at the end of the day, but I'm just so fucking lazy. Sorry. I'm born this way. We ate a little of the left overs then started it.

I had strong urge to splash you. No kidding.

Idk whether I was helpful enough or not. I wish I was, however. I'll always be ready to help as long as I have the ability to. It's better than sitting there imagining how tired you are and feel useless af.

:D It's good that you enjoyed it. Sometimes, the organizers don't get to enjoy. During the freaking birthday, stressing out because of sudden changes in plans just because of insufficient communication between the organizers. Gosh that was a disaster. Anyways just good for you.

1st day Masiswa

Today was the first day of the competition. I was supposed to participate women's doubles with a girl that I've never even tried partnering with. Then the schedule changed, I went but didn't play. Tbh or course I did played. Badminton is love. I couldn't resist free courts, you know.

Before that, Moon insisted the breakfast. He's nice. I can't say no to pure supportive friends like that right? I hope he's not regret. Getting up so early actually wasnt worthy, he gave up sleep, just to show support. I received that very fully, and I appreciate it.

I watched my war mates lost. But I'm glad they faced it really well. Sukma girl was sick. I mean sick. Badass and awesome af. I swear she's my idol. We have this stuff in common: loves hurting voon. It the jokingly way. My partner, Perak state player, she was pretty quiet at first. But then we still communicated well. There's no winning yet, but Grabcar was filled with laughter as we returned.

I just woke up from the cold. So tired, no idea why. Then receiving sad faces. I want to run over there and see what I can do. With my eyes half forcing itself shut back, I literally imagined myself cycling there. It's kinda hard when you want to help but you found out that you only can sit there and do nothing.

I thought about him. When he was in pain, in the hospital, and I'm just here, so far away wanting to rush over so bad.

I'm sure he'll do well. The best thing I can do is showing up right? I mean.... what else?

I wish I can be helpful.

Yeah I should just show up.

Ice

Some stuff happened last night. Everytime wood appears in my notification, something happens.

He asked me out, then said some crazy things. Then I changed a topic. Are you mad? Having exams? Definitely the reason you're acting crazy again. I tried to make him leave but it didn't work. For a year I managed to make him leave without trying, but I failed when I want to?? What the hell. I made a shaky decision. Then we had a short chat. Turned out he was concerned. Like an old friend, we kinda teased each other. He was different. It's been a year since he hasn't been being himself when talking to me.

If there is any chance to maintain this friendship, I will go for it. Relationship, nah. I'm so awake, and he knew that, that's why he felt there's no need to be an ass anymore. Suddenly we were just badminton buddies, cussing each other with lame humour.

People who care are gonna pour a bucket of ice on my head and wake me up. I remember receiving those from yip man too, long time ago. It wasn't so great. (I thought I wouldn't tell you anything anymore but then I love you too much hahaha don't be too happy bij)

I've received that from moon. A big pail of ice water, so cold. Shrivelling, I wondered, should I take back my decision? I probably should. My mind was telling yes and no at the same time. It did scared me real bad. I felt like I've let him down. I probably did. Since I already had no hope in being friends with wood, why did I risk another friendship? Wood wasn't worth it. Have to just reject like a boss and be mean to him forever. But how can I ever do that?

I stared at the phone blankly for few minutes, voices all around in my head. Fuck the voices. It's my fault I made shit end badly. I always made things end like this. I hate myself so much for being like this. I was certain I hoped I didn't exist. Frustration. 

It's good that fb had tonnes of good vibes at that hour. Scrolling fast, sharing fast. It was good that it made me giggled abit. And cringe too, cuz of the evil sad quotes that appeared. I anxiously wanted to perfect both sides, but didn't know how.

Saying yes seemed to bother him more than anything, cuz hey I agreed hanging out with someone who made me this negative. I agreed going out with someone who made me wanted to die. I wasn't surprised with that that huge pail of ice. I was so prepared for it. The thing that did surprised me was what happened at the end of the day. When he came back for me so calmly, with a warm towel, pulling me away from that cold ass puddle, telling me to go for it, that he'd be there whenever I need him. I didn't know what to say. The cold wouldn't make me cry, I've been through too much cold stuff that I'm already immune to those chills. The warmth would, the warmth always would. It was lucky we only texted each other, so you couldn't see my face. Thank you for all that warmth you gave all along.

I'm so out of words. You just gonna make me touched to death whenever I thought you'd just walk away and disappear from my life. And for that, I feel dumber than ever for trying to make you leave at the beginning. I thought you would get tired of my bullshit and leave. But I'm thankful you didn't.

No words. I'm just so sorry.
I will never ever push you away anymore.

Don't apologize for the ice, cuz you're the best that's happening to my life right now. Sincerely.