Ice

Some stuff happened last night. Everytime wood appears in my notification, something happens.

He asked me out, then said some crazy things. Then I changed a topic. Are you mad? Having exams? Definitely the reason you're acting crazy again. I tried to make him leave but it didn't work. For a year I managed to make him leave without trying, but I failed when I want to?? What the hell. I made a shaky decision. Then we had a short chat. Turned out he was concerned. Like an old friend, we kinda teased each other. He was different. It's been a year since he hasn't been being himself when talking to me.

If there is any chance to maintain this friendship, I will go for it. Relationship, nah. I'm so awake, and he knew that, that's why he felt there's no need to be an ass anymore. Suddenly we were just badminton buddies, cussing each other with lame humour.

People who care are gonna pour a bucket of ice on my head and wake me up. I remember receiving those from yip man too, long time ago. It wasn't so great. (I thought I wouldn't tell you anything anymore but then I love you too much hahaha don't be too happy bij)

I've received that from moon. A big pail of ice water, so cold. Shrivelling, I wondered, should I take back my decision? I probably should. My mind was telling yes and no at the same time. It did scared me real bad. I felt like I've let him down. I probably did. Since I already had no hope in being friends with wood, why did I risk another friendship? Wood wasn't worth it. Have to just reject like a boss and be mean to him forever. But how can I ever do that?

I stared at the phone blankly for few minutes, voices all around in my head. Fuck the voices. It's my fault I made shit end badly. I always made things end like this. I hate myself so much for being like this. I was certain I hoped I didn't exist. Frustration. 

It's good that fb had tonnes of good vibes at that hour. Scrolling fast, sharing fast. It was good that it made me giggled abit. And cringe too, cuz of the evil sad quotes that appeared. I anxiously wanted to perfect both sides, but didn't know how.

Saying yes seemed to bother him more than anything, cuz hey I agreed hanging out with someone who made me this negative. I agreed going out with someone who made me wanted to die. I wasn't surprised with that that huge pail of ice. I was so prepared for it. The thing that did surprised me was what happened at the end of the day. When he came back for me so calmly, with a warm towel, pulling me away from that cold ass puddle, telling me to go for it, that he'd be there whenever I need him. I didn't know what to say. The cold wouldn't make me cry, I've been through too much cold stuff that I'm already immune to those chills. The warmth would, the warmth always would. It was lucky we only texted each other, so you couldn't see my face. Thank you for all that warmth you gave all along.

I'm so out of words. You just gonna make me touched to death whenever I thought you'd just walk away and disappear from my life. And for that, I feel dumber than ever for trying to make you leave at the beginning. I thought you would get tired of my bullshit and leave. But I'm thankful you didn't.

No words. I'm just so sorry.
I will never ever push you away anymore.

Don't apologize for the ice, cuz you're the best that's happening to my life right now. Sincerely.