.

Suddenly it's all so familiar. The bed is still the place where you shed a million tears. Sometimes you swore, over and over again not to get fucked up in bed. You lie on the bed sideways, screen faced inwards, pretending to be asleep so your family doesnt bother you. You swore to just sleep there so exhausted and NO THINKING. Promises are pretty lies, even promises to self. When you promised yourself not to care anymore, not to feel anymore, not to hope anymore..... Deep down inside, you know you wanted the opposite. You want to feel, and care. That's what destroys you.

Kill everything, every hope. Tell everyone, fuck you. Yes it's selfish. Humans are selfish. Ever wondered how awesome the planet would be without us? We're using words, creating dramatic bullshits, killing each other. Fucking chaotic shit.

It's okay to feel shitty. The only reason I'm here is my parents made me. They gotta need somebody, and it's responsible. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, it doesn't matter how I live. I just have to. I don't have to care bout anything else, but if I did and broke myself into pieces, ha, I'm just too dumb, then. It's okay screwing things up. I just have to be a good daughter. Nothing else.

I think my bed lamp is making me sentimental. No, probably everything in my room. I'm so tired of sitting here staring at them. Thinking about stuff, frustrating to death. I wanna make myself so so tired that I forget all drama.

I just want a life with no drama. Is that so hard? Why it feels like I always did everything so so wrongly?

I'm terrible at stuff. I can do 0.1% of everything, that makes me good at nothing. One thing I do best would be failing.

I gave up three damn classes to be with a guy that left me the way I am rn. Still continuing two instruments, without any achievements. I had years of badminton training, passion, but still, zero achievement. I'm wasting money, wasting time, wasting effort. And still, at the end there's just nothing. Studies? Come on. My results dropping harder than anything. Wood have every right to mock me and assume that I'm not gonna ace anything. He's so right that makes me mad. And people? I can never be with people. I can never believe in people. I live too much in the past, I'm gonna make sure it's safe. Even with this fucking careful method, I still screwed up.

How else I have to live? Maybe in this room, without connection. Yeah away from people. Without badminton. That would be fucking best. Save money, time, effort, shits. Save the drama. I'm so exhausted. I hate this. I staring at the ceiling, I hate not being able to sleep because of fucked up shits. I hate myself for existing. is there anything I can do to make it all stop?

Maybe I'm going crazy, I need to get my head checked. Maybe I need to get back to studies and yeah be like that fucked up antisocial kid. I just gotta ignore everyone everything. The only key to happiness is fucking get used to emptiness and never never NEVER EVER let anything in.

Just gotta get numb. Or maybe let everyone in and out as they please? Get fucking immune to people's bullshit. Stop pushing everyone away and be fucking nice to everyone?

This doesn't make any sense at all.