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ET texted me for a super random work related thing which I'm obviously the wrong person he was looking for. But because of that, I asked him, how's life, how's everything, is everything fine. And his response was.. pretty heartbreaking.

I finally get why wood thought he needed to help me out of some shits I got myself into.

A person who's always telling you to not club and drink much, who sees your fast food and mamak snaps while worries crazily about your health... When she started drinking and all, skipping meals, cursing her own fucking life to end immediately, just after what you've done and she gets so fucked up that alcohol helps her release the shits, the tears and the words she couldn't speak of in front of people......

The most talkative and cheerful friend who has always been a big brother to you who helps you get over your living nightmares, help you live without fear by sitting with you in a car at 4am for an entire hour just to heart talk to you, so they disappear eventually, and to bring you out for a short night just to figure out how to let you be okay again... when that friend starts to get his own nightmares because of his traumas... That he gets antisocial and untalkative... You can sense the shatter in those texts, those "no worries".. 

When the boy you looked up to, the brightly shining senior who gets his transformation which shared his story that inspired you to reach where you are right now.... starts to give up hope on studies.... Playing games before exam dates and says "this is not my field".. what happened to everything is possible? What happened to as long as the shuttle has not touch the ground, you go for it? What about sleep when you're done, not when you're tired?

Wood's saw me going corrupted. He probably pulled me out of that. He pulled me out of alcohol addiction. He pulled me out of "everything and everyone is temporary." For now. Okay he hasn't pulled me out of that. Now I believe that he loves me and he will stay, but that doesn't count if it's three years later.

Look at the people change. Even arrogant. He's getting slow! That's too unlike him. I don't know. I don't usually get impatience with him, but I did just now.

I think my life has got to a very beautiful climax. Wood is with me. I'm happy. I miss the Loong ET squad but we'll catch up soon. Shell and orange has gone to study, joker is leaving soon. Everyone is busy.

Destiny doesn't want my life to be perfect. That's why I'm always an average student. I guess... No matter how hard I work, it it exceeds the point, I get sick. Like how it happened now, like how it happened during A2. It doesn't want me to study that much. It wants me to stay low, stay average, stay a suckish student. I'm gonna have to prove life wrong.

And the others?

Wood is facing things. He's so hopeless I'm feeling so fucking worried. I wanna earn money to get him to his dreams. For that I have to work harder to get a better result. I've been thinking about Angel's freelance offer too. I get free training, and it earns a lot. Damn lot. I've been thinking about money. This is not my field. Then what is your field? Quit this and go for it. Better than hanging around fucking everything you're doing rn... It breaks me to see him like that. It kills me. It's like sitting at the corner of my room banging on the door, being helpless about him when he was at the ER from stupid fucking dengue. That's the worst feeling ever. I rather get sick like this. Like this rn and trade the shit pathogens back to me from him. I don't know what I can do.

ET case. I don't really know what happened. But I know it happened really recently. I know he's having quite some hard time. I know she's having a hard time too. He said we'll catch up soon. I hope we will. When I was down and quiet, he talked to me so much, and I was just listening. I had problems with speech. I was mind full of voices shouting right at me but I wasn't speaking out. Even tho he didn't get me to talk much, he helped. It was a weird case because I was his listener, and it wasn't that he needed to talk, instead, I needed to listen. It all helped. But I don't know what I can do to help.. maybe that's the barrier between me and much elder friends. He's like my super super super senior. I'm not supposed to talk much, I mean... What am I that he should listen? Listen from 19 year old girl? That doesn't sound right. I'm sorry that I'm always full of thoughts, but never expressing in front of you guys. I didn't think I should.

It kills, to see two very important people in my life getting sad. Getting hopeless. It kills that I'm only witnessing it.

The way wood helped me couldn't help him. He gave me advices, but when I turn it around and used the same theory back on him, the conclusion is always the same. He thinks it's impossible. Once you think it's impossible, you kill all the possibilities, the chances, even if its 0.0001% chance, you killed it. Idk how to help him unkill it. He'd say, money doesn't fall from trees. If there's a will, miracles could happen.

I never thought of getting back with wood. I thought after that drinking night with pineapple, after that long rant text that I replied to you, you will stop disturbing me. You'll stop sticking your annoying nose into my life and fuck my mood. I thought I made you leave. And I was quite okay with it, as I already never had hope in stuff. But dear wood you came back. You came back for me even tho I was so hard to be with. I killed the chance because you killed it. Then you unkilled it, and helped me to do that too.

What can you say about impossible? I say it's impossible for me to spend any minute with someone who hurt me. How can I ever forgive what you've done?

But I still could.

If you don't give yourself a crazy rush time limit... If you allow yourself to earn and load and find good sponsors, why is it impossible to get money???

I'm going crazy. Good thing exams over.
Oh gosh when was the last time I spammed here ?