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I'm not gonna continue this blog because I feel invaded. You can keep pretending like you don't know about my link, I can keep up with your games. To me, to be free or busy is a choice. I'm busy, I choose to ignore. Get the idea? I went out with my friends anyway. Am I busy? Or I'm just busy when it comes to you? No one in this world can be busy up to the point they can't even reply messages. Do you get the idea? Think it tru. Think hard. Think back.

I unfollowed you, deleted you for a reason: I don't wanna see your name anymore. Despite which kind of relationship, therapist patient relationship, hate hate relationship. I don't care. I made my decision, which is to completely cut any ties with you. I'm officially deleting you off from my life. Sorry for the fuss. Sorry for being a little too harsh on the last post. Yeah it might look like you just wanna help. Thanks for the offer my answer is no. I'm going to do something about my arm, without involving you. So this is it. There's no more reason for you to be contacting me. And again, you have all the rights to befriend any of my friends.

This time, I'm telling myself to grow up and send you a message, be real, be straight, don't be like you, playing mind games like it's part of how life should be. The point: we end here. I should've did this right after last year this day. I don't know why I didn't. I was wrong. But this time I'm gonna correct it.

Please just cooperate this once, let's not talk to each other anymore, okay? I don't wanna block you. I really don't. Talk to me again, and I will, I swear.

I guess I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been really really busy. I'm dropping down fast. My grades, my face, my health. Social wise, it's going up. Is it I'm choosing people over everything else? I didn't mean to.

Game wise, I'm still playing. Definitely still playing. It's been fun. All is well. There was the mir bread me complications that lasted for a day... And caused some damage for a week... But all is well.

My arm? Nah it's not working. I don't have time to bother about that. I stopped training. I stopped going too much baddy. Life has really been busy that I've forced myself to make a list up to my sticky notes.

Upcoming tests/deadlines
Daily goals

Life is not like maple. There's no fixed daily goals written there everyday in my life. We have to make it, plan it well, so that shits don't happen. I should've done it earlier. But better late than never. I did it, and I guess.. it'll be fine.

My daily goals are pretty dam packed. Thanks to those clumped dates with full of assignments. I'm just trying to get tru it. It's super stressful tbh. What is sleep?

Recently my ex is texting me.

Hmmmmmmmm.
Is this the main reason of a blog post? Maybe, maybe not. I haven't been thinking about him I guess. It's only reminded when I blast sad music, or when... Idk? Very occasionally. It doesn't make me feel sad or anything. It's just like that, neutral. Im over it. Over all the sheets. Just trying to get tru life daily.

My patience have been extremely bad. I've been scolding. I've been pissed at little things. I'm sorry, and thankful to everyone who's tolerated me, especially my mom. I guess. Like seriously. I don't even care if it's senior adults pissing me off. Of course I don't scold them. I'm polite enough to address them how unhappy I am with their attitude, etc. People are trying to scam me, make me do things that's not my responsibility. Mostly, they try to explain themselves. Looks so desperate to not be that guilty. Truth is truth. If you have shitty attitude, I don't even care about your explanation. I'm happy once I guilt trip you. Go home and reflect, that's all I want you to do.

My ex wise. He's not being mean or anything. I duno what he wants. He asked me bout my arm, then asked me to badminton. I ignored him all the way. Same reason. I don't want to give him the idea that I'm that easy. Isit you can approach me easily as you wish, and treat me like shit when you're bored? Isit really fun?

My bff searched your name when I told.her you have gf. And she couldn't find. Why? Because of how immatured you are. I literally laughed it off. Well, I'm not surprised. Maybe I'm like that too. But at least I don't self claim that I'm oh so matured. We're all still young. We do stupid things. But you, you tell people to grow up. That's the ugliest part of you.

I did deleted people off social media. I deleted all ET's friends, not exactly all tho.. I deleted 98% of them just because it disgusts me whenever I think of ET. And seeing his friends' names make me think of him. I didn't delete loong and doctor. That's the least I can do even tho loong is super close to ET. I don't even... Idk. I hid his stories tho. So I would never see his name on my feed.

And you? Pineapple was your friend, too. Are you not tired with games? Are you gonna continue that shit attitude in life?

Why I didn't reply you. I have extreme shitty patience recently. Knowing your pattern, talking to you would already piss me off on normal days, so why would I text you back to bring shits to myself? That's completely illogical. Not replying texts is also another form of reply. I've replied you by giving you blue ticks. So don't you get the idea? It means, fuck off. Literally. No matter how many times you try, I'm done with your games, and I thought that was pretty damn obvious.

I'm tired enough. You are just a flea far far away. No matter how, I must be persevere. Do not reply him, and he will back off on his own. I'm not an object. I accepted you back once because I talked to you politely when you approached me. Never let that possibility happen anymore. You and I know that it's just endless toxic.

Fuck off for once and for all.

I'm bitter.
I'm salty.

At the end of the day, gold didn't follow up with me. I know it when guys aren't serious about stuff I guess. I know it when haang wasn't serious. I know it when gold wasn't serious.

Or maybe I'm just gonna assume all guys are gonna be like that.

"I have a feeling all the girls are having a mini crush on snow."
I thought he looked good. I didn't know he looked that good. Lol.

The first time I used this laptop to sign in fb. I typed loong's name. Searched.

I know, I chose to hide his feed. I chose to not show my feed in his wall too. I wonder. Did he even knew what exactly happened. Crisp, loong, juan, pan. Do they know what happened?

They don't.

I'm pretty sure they still baddy on weekly basis. And crisp finally understood. I removed yall from social media, because I don't want anything to do with yall anymore. For real. So he stopped inviting me.

It's a good thing.

I felt a little sad for them tho. Forever concealed from ET's lies.

But as long as they're happy, I'm happy for them.
I'm not a friendship wrecker. I might've been let down by their friend. But leaving this quietly is the best thing to do.

On some cases, utilitarianism is needed.
Maximize happiness.

I haven't logged in for a while I guess?
Life has been content. I'm getting there.

Recently my old laptop broke. My old hp core i3. It was a shitty laptop, for real. I always wanted to change it. But not exactly this way. I was close to backing up. I was close.

I thought I lost everything, but I haven't. Honestly I wanna punch myself. What is there to keep? What's gone will be gone. Keeping traces of memories won't change the fact that they're gone.

When the guy said, he failed to transfer my files over, the first thing that flashed tru my mind was that guy. I know. We had a long history, I went from "I'm trying to think less about him" to "he does appear in my head, but super rarely." Have you moved on? I usually reply, Yes I have. But am I really sure about it?

The first time my laptop broke I literally cried because of the photos I lost. I was down for more than a week. Then idk how, I moved on I guess. We created new memories. We had a brand new start. And it ended too. So there's inception in my history file. Inside history, I had another file named "history rewrite, fail." I'm not even kidding.

And yeah now I lost all that too. If it goes together with my head it would be awesome. Wiping out all the memories. Wiping my darkest past. And then the next thing that appeared was loong squad. We had tonnes of photos. I was afraid of losing them. But I knew it would happen, so I did that. Loads of photos of them, all gone. Idk what else I'm gonna do. I just sigh.

Then it's my besties. My girlfriends. My crazy squads.

I wish those photos are still around. I wish I still have them all.

But if I did it once, I can do it again. I'll rewrite my story, I guess.

Have you really moved on?

I haven't. How do you unlove someone? How do you uncare someone? How do you undo stuff that you've permanently invested into? How do you take back all the things you promised, all the love you gave, all the efforts you made, the efforts you received. How do you delete memories?

I don't believe in deleting. I believe that everything happens for a reason. So there's a reason for them to be there. There's a reason we got together, broke up, got together again, and.broke up again. There's a reason I went from alcoholic to non alcoholic. There's a reason loong squad happened.

There must be a reason why my hard disk broke again.

I didn't lose everything. The oldest version of history is still nicely saved on my pendrive, and my Dropbox. So there goes the photos from my first ever relationship.

I smiled knowing that they're safe. It's unreasonable. I don't even look into them. i don't even remember what's in that file.

Okay fine, I remember.
I'll always remember.
Maybe there's that toxic there I can never remove. It's like quitting alcohol. I'll stop craving them, but when I see them, I want to drink. I'd always want to drink.

So I should never see them.

Msm

Snow is an emo kid, but he's a good kid.
Sushi said, when you choose a man, you gotta see how he treats his mom.
Bread said he found new wifi for snow.
I've been abandoning sharkzz, I'm sorry.

I feel like I'm getting stronger in the game. I'll be so shocking, soon. I'm getting my mythic soon. I just have to max two unqiues. Doing ed with snow at midnight has become a daily thing at 12am sharp. We'd converse tru tele, then go ed runs for each chars. It started from the day I tilted from failing. Then he sometimes didn't hit to make sure I succeed. Thoughtful af.

Daily conversation, what do you expect? Definitely a friendship beginning. I've discovered some quite personal parts of his life. I didn't expect that at all since he was a little mysterious. But yeah he opened up.

Gosh my heart.
It doesn't feel good knowing his suffers. As usual, I'll be the ranting platform, I offered. Glad to know that I can help in a way.

Nice knowing the real snow.
Sensi boi.
Feels like he just need real friends to be there for him. Gosh all the broken pieces. Life will be hard.

I was quite tilt. I actually regret being like that. Well, what to do? I'm a bishop. My main is bishop. I have super low damage and that's my nature. That's why maybe, I'm suited to do ed with Nature?

I had six tickets. So I asked if anyone could help me. They said, okay. But because of them being overpowered, or... because of my damage being too fucking low, I failed twice. I swear I was tilt as fuck. I bought so many ed tix to up my eqs, so many. Just to up. I just wanna clear them faster, and this is what I get. So tired. F2p bishop, is there another way out? I guess quitting the game is the only way out. Am I gonna quit? Yes I am. So fucked up. This game is fucked. I used to convince myself, they have stronger weapons. Once I reach that level, I'll be strong. But no. My weapon is almost max. And this is how much I can kill? This is a nexon rant post.

The guildies be like,,, chill. Calm. I know I was scolding non stop, most words turned to ***** as nexon loves to censor our honest opinions, how useless it is cuz we all know what it means. Fuck will be ***k. Pointless. Tired.

Snow offered to duo with me. Honestly he's a nice guy. And he's actually good looking. HAHA. Ignore me. The thing is, he deals with a lot of shit too, I can tell. And look at that determination to be positive. That's something I gotta learn from him. I actually learned so much from him. A lot. He let me rant and try to chill me to the point where I hate myself for being so upset.

I enjoy being f2p. F2p will have their ways. And we will make it too, much stronger than the whales that leech and pay. They all offered me to pm them if I have questions. HAHA. It was funny.

Onigiri has the sweetest interactions. Not even kidding. 

I like that I'm a bishop. I really enjoyed.

I remember when I started it as a casual thing, I started it without much throughts. When xiaoboy introduced me into onigiri, I thought, onigiri peeps are crazy, so hyped, so friendly. Mew members come in, old ones mostly stay because the atmosphere is always awesome. But some, left. Those who left the guild still stayed in the chat. Cuz onigirians will always welcome them back.

I started as a suckish bishop with unique weapon, not even full uniques, but they accepted me. I had an epic cape. It was really shitty. First time I joined them hzak was the second time I ever joined zak. I died and died. So much, I didn't know I could heal, I didn't know my skills could be that useful, I didn't know how to use my skills. One day, someone told me. I found out.

I learned to heal. Learned what the guild needs. So I grind. Up my gear. Woah crazy. Can you believe it? As as f2p, I'm a proud one. I know, I can't be like sn0w. I'm not as good he is. But I know, my progress is real fast. I got three legends in a month, about to get another one. How awesome is that?

I kinda like the guild. It's soul food. It's necessity. Quite disappointed that my fam wouldn't let me go to guild meet. But I'll succeed one day. Pineapple told me to go too. I'd go fot them all.

Awesome peeps.
Arya's heart has been with onigiri ever since Nov 29.

Today I went baddy, despite knowing ET would show up. I kinda knew who'd show up without asking. Time flies, things change. People come and go. Nothing to expect.

So how did it went ? Great I guess. I've seen everyone I missed. Loong, crisp, mic, pan, pooh. Doc wasn't there. ET was there. He became uglier. Sorry not sorry. He thinks he's a korean oppa? That kind of hair with a baymax body. Haha. Hilarious. I'd throw up.

It went smooth. Pooh was still cute ish. Haha. She brought a guy. SkII. Pan brought a guy too, idk what name, ex state. I played well for a handicap. I talked to everyone I guess. Except ET. Didn't even went near him. The nearest distance was across the court. I can't partner with him, I'd feel disgusted. I think they felt it. Cuz I chose to stand next to Loong when we would obviously overpower them. Not something I would usually do. What to do? Haha.

I'm pretty sure Loong knows something. My usual routine would be happily greeting ET. But this day, I didn't. I didn't look at him. Too ugly. But all is well. Baddy was still pretty awesome with them. Loong getting fat I think. Pooh too. Haha. Pan was still sly sly. That evil smile, the best. Haha. Mics sooo skinny, his drops kill me all the time.

Enjoyable stuff, will that happen again?

Idk what's with me. But I just wanna scold you.

Seems like you can't take the pressure in sg huh? At the end still crying running back to daddy.

Sorry I don't know the full story. But well, when it comes to you, there's no harm assuming the worst. Cuz you're the worst.

I can see how Cinnamon moves on easily. You're not a lovable creature. Idk what are you. But I'm pretty sure, you're a piece of shit disguised with healthy wrapper.

I can see how I made a decision to stop all these nonsense, then do it with no regrets. I can see why I was never broken by the fact we ended.

I always thought you'd stay at sg so I'd never see you here anymore. Seems like there's still a risk, cuz you're a coward. An asshole. A fucktard. I know sg girls are stronger compared to guys. They pace faster. It wasn't a very fair game, but I'm pretty sure msia boys pace the same, but you must be the one left behind. That's why you came back. You don't wanna show that you're a loser.

Guess what you'll never find a spouse. You might manipulate one into your life. But guess what, that's just the result of your shit. Manipulate one, and at the end of your life, you'd never be able to lie to yourself, that ain't love. That's just you loving yourself.

I've dated two guys.
One complete idiot who doesn't know how to live in the presence,
Another one who only loves to fuck, he should just get a fucking sex toy and stay like that forever.

I don't hate the first one anymore. But I can barely stand him. Too much negativity, and doesn't accept help, doesn't appreciate. You can't love someone who doesn't love himself.

The second one, everytime I think of his face I wanna pull his head out of his neck, that would be me doing the world a favor.

Maybe they both had done shitty things. Maybe they regret their decisions, maybe they changed. But that's sufficient to tell me that I'm done with relationships, FOR LIFE.

Look at me being free and happy.
I have nicsman and ginger. They cute. But they always speak canto, making my life a little hard, but still they're friends you can keep. 
I have onigiri, xiaoboy, snow. The mad gen gap which shows no gap.
I have the ipoh girls.
I have my food friends, moon, pinapple, yip man, arrogant. These are for life, man.
I have inti bc squad. Forever win, jon snow. Menshoe.

Wanna badminton?
I'm not free, sorry.

I guess from now on that'll be my only reply.
I'm sorry mic. I'm sorry loong, crisp.
Your bro failed me. I don't mind being the heartless one, if that's how it seems like to all of you. I don't need reputation. Your good friend would insist that he never did such stuff. And I'm not a friendship breaker.

I leave peacefully, you continue your show.

You don't deserve this group of peeps tho. Just saying.

Snow

Would you feel a little crazy when you've treated someone like a senior, asking questions and all, then... When you say "I'll be back to annoy you with more questions." And he replies "Yay can't wait."

I thought he was cute.

I mean. And all the tips, they were pretty sincere. I was about to wonder, why don't I just google the answers? Cuz he's seriously nice. Those answers are more than what google gives. Those are personal experiences.

Snow, snow. Why are you with bread? F2ps belong together. HAHAHA jk.

I hope he never gets bored of msm. I'd never get bored too I guess. Spent so much time on it. It's blood and sweat.

My cousie said, Onigiri's gonna be a part of my life. Haha he's right. I love onigiri. It's the best thing rhat happened to me last year.

Don't get it wrong. It's not like I'm falling for a person from a game. I'm not wade. Haha. Just... I find him really nice, to be teaching me stuff so generously without being judgemental, without making me feel dumb for not knowing them already.

It's just a process a crazy girl becomes slightly more gamer.

He prolly doesn't remember my real name. Hmmmmm. I know our topics revolve around msm. But... It's cool how it extends beyond that all the time, and. It was quite comfortable.

Maybe I'm just like artemis. Just artemis is waaay cooler. And I'm more like a nerd. Life... I wonder if he'd recognize me if I add him in social media. HAHAH.

Update

I met cinnamon last last friday. It wasn't an intensional plan, but yeah. Moon had it planned, and told me just awhile before the meet.

I missed her. Haha. She has a lot of sense. I kinda see pineapple in her. They're very alike, I guess. Crazy outgoing, crazy.

She asked, how's loong and all of them. I said, I decided to cut contact because something happened. She said, wow. That decision, must be made due to something big. Yes. Quite big I guess, since even yip man, pineapple, arrogant doesn't know the full story.

I updated her too briefly I felt bad. So I took a while to think. Should I tell her about it? I was with her ex. It wasn't a very nice topic. Of course, I skipped the part where I didn't tell my besties too. It's too much.

Cinnamon was like, I know his pattern! So hard to find someone who understands. Hahha. She does. Anyway. Seeing her happy with a new boy makes me happy for her. Haha. Very! She's not like he imagined. He twisted his words, twisted our minds, to make us all think that he's the poor fucking victim. Oh well, fuck off.

Everyone's going to sg. I kinda wanna go sg too. But Idk. Gosh. I don't wanna see ET at all. I don't want any chance to bump into him. I'd play stranger if that happens. But like I always told people, never make decisions based on people.

So ET's presence won't make me not wanna go anywhere. I'd just pray I'd never bump into him. Or I'll carry a knife anywhere I go. He's a piece of shit, and I will never unhate him for what chaos he caused.

My first ex? Want updates about that?
There's actually no update. Hahahhahahaha. We texted via fb messenger a little bit. Then one day, I forgot to reply him because I didn't know how to reply him at that time. So now the conversation's kinda hanging there, but I don't mind tho. So be that way I guess? I'm fine with that.

Moving on over him is doing super well. He doesn't come across my mind daily anymore. Not even occasionally. It's becoming a rare thing. Very rare! Thank god we never went karaoke together. That would cause flashbacks on songs, like how it did for loong.

I miss loong more than I miss my ex. Hahahahahaha. How cool is that.

Still msm

I'm not talking about the game. It's the people. Too cute.

A while ago, snow said he used 10 alts to farm for his main. F2p's way of being hardcore. I find it nice that I'm not really being annoying, asking for tips. Cuz sometimes he'd initiate a convo too, which is nice. Last week he talked abt pogo. Gosh he plays pogo! So I asked for the trainer code, tada. Found his real identity. His name. Stalker level 50. He's actually pretty good looking.

Another girl I know from msm. I don't really know her. Only by her ign, NaturePeach, a wind archer. My bishop goes ed with her time to time. I don't know how she doesn't mind going with me. She's level 137. But last time I checked, I have a stronger weapon. She even witnessed my rise. That day itself when I spent 40M to upgrade my weapon, she messaged me, "you got a new wand". Haha. Another day, she asked whether I participate guild forts. I said yeah if the slots doesn't get filled up. Then she said, my attack's quite high tho. Thanks nature! As a f2p you have no idea how much effort that means. I'm just happy onigiri doesn't treat me like I'm a burden. I am, the only active bishop anyway. Haha. NaturePeach has a strong guild too. SymphomySG. She even has the blue badge. zai. Haha. Yesterday her level 138 bishop NatureOcean found my alt. We went for MM and she asked, is there another Arya? I asked her, are you NaturePeach? It's a small world! So many channels, and there we met each other.

Snow has his road to mythic. I wonder if I have such day. Evan's out today, prolly around noon. I hate myself for waking this early. So excited tho. Haihhh.

Xiaoboy was still being a little cheesy. He knows that I don't really like him being like that. But he's getting lesser anyway. We're more like being long lost msm friends now. Too awesome!

It was scary seeing onigiri masters getting tired. Ven said he's shag already. Means sien. But then guild races daily 9pm kinda kept all our spirits up I guess. Kept me motivated to get myself full legendary set. Kept Ven motivated to continue. Xiaoboy was more shag. As a f2p living in among p2w, he broke it, and cashed a little. Damn. I think now the only f2p would be snow and I. Hard road ahead. But good thing xiaoboy cashed, now he's keeping up the spirits better. And his character is freaking good looking.

I like how maintaining good guild rank gets us crystals. Crystals that only can be bought by cashing. I got my 100 crystals last night. I remember getting it before, few months ago. And I spent them all to give bishop Arya a cute outfit and hat. Yes it's quite waste. but it's necessary! I play the game due to it's cuteness. It the hat armors make my Arya's cute hairstyle worthless, then how long can I go on? So now I just have to think what I should do with those crystals. Too precious!

Msm

I dont actually have a thing for xboy. It was just fresh. A new online friend. Something quite new to me. Plus, onigiri. Oh my. Onigiri is like the friendliest gamers. I don't really know other gamer groups. But this guild... It's strangership goals.

We have this team thingy. Xboy added me into it. Pretty sure I've mentioned it before. I realized, I'm not actually "not hardcore". I'm just a blur person without gaming backgrounds, but not crazy to the extent that I'd find them all out. It's now that I'm stucked at certain level, not having enough coins, which is why I started getting curious.

Xboy can't answer some of my questions, cuz he's not that crazy. So I private messaged snow. A guy from onigiri. Most people there cashed, aka pay to win. While snow was one of the free to play peeps. I'm f2p too. Gaming term. A lot to absorb. So I'd ask him and he'd advice me.

It's funny how a group of strangers meeting up via a small game, are getting more and more interactive, actually slowly being friends. Idk how old onigiri is. But it wouldn't be too old. The game's out for four months. We know each other's ig, means character name. They call me Arya. It's funny. But I kinda feel like Arya now. Arrogant said, bet I'd turn my head hearing Arya being called.

Onigiri's one of the most active chats I have rn. I think they have daily 100 over messages. Some of them were pretty talkative, but I'm a silent reader. I read each and every message, I do reply, just rarely. Hhaahaha.

Xboy was jealous of snow when I mentioned I asked him tips. Crazy ass. But I kinda like snow. He seems like a very nice guy. Just like xboy, our conversation was beyond just msm. I kinda liked talking to snow more. Xboy was too dry. Fucking hell. Starting to annoy me.

I find it cool that I actually didn't have to care much about how people would judge me that I'm playing msm or pogo. Because, people are still playing. I'm not a weird person. I'm following the trend while I don't even know it's the trend.

Best thing is knowing new friends tru this. And you can be real, because they don't even know you. We know Each other by our ingamenames. Ign. I'm pretty envious abt their meeting up date tho. It's like a blind date with a group of people that you know by their fancy names. Ppppp. Punch. Snow. Fruitymilk. Flowermilk. Kopimilk. Marshy. Nightknight. Ven. Robinstixx. Breadstick. Loss. Arya. Zyee. Ebikosushi. Xiaoboysukau. They're the cutest squad with all ages. I'd like to go sg to meet them too. Haha. Awesome peeps.

Xboy

I'll call him xboy, since his character name was xiaoboysukau. Haha. I think we're two of the not so hardcore peeps in the guild. I need soo much guidance. So many new terms, new info. I aa a casual player, couldn't take so much in such short time.

It's funny how we open up so easily to strangers. I told yip man soooo much, at the beginning, because I don't even know her. Same goes to xboy. I kinda told him a little too much. But he's soo not judgemental. We're quite straight to each other I think. No filter. No dramas. He actually said, he's having a thing towards me. HAHA. Can we trust people we know from the internet ? I don't know. But he can be a pen pal. Texting buddy. Ahha. It's a whole new experience.

I thought the rest from the guild was that friendly as well. I was starting to think, my character has such low level, do I deserve to be in this guild? I'm not using money on the game. But some of them are. So I was like one of the most inexperienced ones. I can have high level but still be the worst in the results of certain group tasks. Idk how I can contribute. Haha. But they're actually nice enough to teach me. I'm like "I'm so sorry I'm better at dying" and they'd be "you'll get the hang of it".

But anyways the point. I'll go back to xboy. Heh. He's actually nice. I kinda like him. Not the crazy kind of like like. But yeah. He's nice. We had very relaxing convos. Hm. I wonder how we could turn out. Long lasting texting buddies? Or it's just for a couple weeks. Maybe we'd even meet up one day. And it's gonna be super cool.

MS

Yesterday was full of ups and downs. Last baddy got me slept super late. Around 4am? My ex's messages got me stressed. Not actually.. I was just really speechless on how disinterest he's gotten. Giving up every hope.

I woke up with his long message, his whining message again. Fucking hell. I don't mind if you cry. But it's not okay for him to be so arrogant. Not with me. I probably hasn't typed this fast, this muc, in a long time. It came out fast because I was freaking awake. Next time, his messages definitely can wake me up instantly.

No one has the right to tell me what I should be thinking. Because, do you even know what I'm thinking? Time and money are the most important ones? Hah. I remember telling ET and loong, gosh I'm extremely worried about myself not getting a job. What do I do if that happens? Idiot. To think back about that, I was an idiot. I'm a student. If I work hard on building a good character, a good attitude, why would I not find a job? So why spend all the time worrying, overthinking, instead of focusing on the presence which could build my future? I've learned that. He hasn't. He's still crying. And he doesn't admit to that. Understandable, male pride. They always think they're the best. He said I act like I don't know anything. Fucking hell. Am I supposed to act like god? That's not what a girlfriend was supposed to do. I guess he'll never see the efforts. I, as a person with such attitude, did all I could to lower down that me, to protect his stupid pride. He was pampered in that manner. But I think I've made myself extremely clear. Now I'm not his gf. I don't have to care about his pride. It doesn't hurt feelings. I have nothing to lose.

I went home right after class, grandma was pretty happy. My mood was peak. I was crazy hapi. And then, I gained a new friend from ms. Thought he was cute. HAHA. I'm not saying the appearance. It's the expressions, the wordings, stuff. A Singaporean, 20 year old. He talked like he's definitely into me. But I know it's a joke, since we "had a thing" during the game. Haha. I can't believe I accepted his trade on insta, so we became friends, and kinda conversed till night.

When my fam came home, I kinda told them about menshoe's story. And told mom about my ex's words and my replies. She was quite satisfied on what I said. Ahah.. and she said, I have the ability to help him. Cuz the situation is fucking obvious. He has brain issues and he needs help. But if I attempt to help him, I would need help too. I'd develop brain issues too. I definitely don't want that. I love myself too much that I don't have time to care about such person. I care but I don't have time and ability. Mom doesn't understand my pain. Ish.

Badminton was pissful. I don't know. I'm sorry. I waited for chicken for about an hour. More than that, actually. I kinda lose patience. I didn't talk to him at all during those drives, because I didn't feel like talking. I probably looked freaking mean. But I didn't scold anyone. That's the most I can do I guess. But still. I kinda felt bad for losing patience. Well.. it's not like I'm a patient person. I'm grumpy. But these.. uh.

Do you wanna supper?
No.

Usually I'd say, anything. I'd join even if I don't eat. I'm sorry about that. It's not your fault. It's my attitude issue. Needing some changes. Ugh. Sorry.

Last baddy in inti 2018.

It was a dramatic one. Yeah it is. There was menshoe, jon snow, forever win, cham, me, ronan, and her squad.

I got nervous for nothing, because he didn't show up. It has pros and cons. I really didn't want him to hurt himself more. I also didn't wanna let him see me hurt myself too, since I'm lobbing and smashing again. That's the pros. He'd be safe, unhurt. And.. it's a dramatic night for menshoe, our history shouldn't be part of the drama. It's her day. I can't act that way. I can't be off. Cons? I couldn't see him. I'd never know whether I can, look him in the eyes and be perfectly okay. But I know the answer anyway. Why do I torture myself like that ?

I was really nervous. They be like "you conflicting." Yep. But thank god he didn't show up. We only have one court, for five girls five guys. This is a little too many peeps. But we added an hour, so all is well. It's a fun session. I was a little off, still. I hoped to see him. I was definitely off. Jon snow was off too. Too funny. Cham and forever win versus jon and I. It's like so hard. We can't beat them at all. We'd be constantly discussing strategies, how he should hit, how I should hit. But yeaaah. We can't win. Forever win has his name at his side. Forever win. He's more playful than we first know each other. He wouldn't do that at first. Haha. Then ronan has a huge space for improvement. I'm actually excited for her. She needs to play with these people more, and she'd improve crazily. I'm sure already. Cham is good, full of mistakes but good. Like me. HAHA. UHM. We're pretty good. Menshoe still needs to learn footwork. I have a feeling I'd make her come to fcuc to fix her footwork.

After everything, there was those bright lights. It's overdramatic. But it's suited for this. Menshoe has her speech. She's retired from BC secretory, while I'm basically stepping up. She had her very open talk. I was quite shocked she'd say those words in front of us all. It's really sweet of her. She thinks I'm patience. That is so... Rare. Nobody thinks I'm patient. I was never patient. I actually do filter. I'm an impatient, straightforward person. I'll be honest. I'll be open. But of course, not completely. I do consider people's feelings when I say things. No matter what, my words will reflect my personality. But at the same time, I'm not gonna offend everyone in the world isn't it? Spread positivity, look into the positive parts. Keep the negative sides in. We know things seem bad here and there. But everyone make mistakes, we're not their someone to be blaming. We maintain our qualities, we don't have to be in this world to make everyone feel bad about themselves. We encourage each other.

She said what type of person she used to be. Impatient, grumpy, short tempered with a shitty attitude. I can actually picture that well. It's not unbelievable. It's just unbelievable at the admitting part. It's not easy for us to admit how shitty we used to be. And she did it. I'm really happy for her. Maturity at its finest. It's also really... Touching to see that change. Well done, carmen. Her parents will be proud. Her friends would be lucky. She said she had mental issues. That is for real. She was anorexic for a short period. She was actually extremely emotional. I think menshoe is all of us. I think we all have that stage. She as an introvert turned into this person. This crazy smiling person. Gosh, I'm actually really happy seeing this kind of change. Well, I didn't really see it all. We see the changed her. And it's already super cool. Idk what makes me admire her, but I do. Like a lot. Her long long speech. Lasted until we were hungry.

So we continued at the mamak near maboro. We really have the tendency to chit chat until forever. And they're hilarious. Ronan's twin was a little emo at that time. But she slowly got over it and joined the cheerful conversation. That was the point I was actually relieved that my ex did not show up. He'd skip supper anyway. But... Everything will not be the same. He's a negative person. Super negative. I'm glad I left him. I'm relieved. If he can still affect me now, imagine what he'd do to me if we never even broken up. Disaster. Anyway we talked about fighting, baddy tactics, thinking, our old badminton club, hostel life. Roommates, little shitty habits. Dirty toilets. Lecturers. It's all good talk.

It's cool how ys claims we're gonna improve because we do discussed about it. And that will definitely improve us. It's leaving opinions behind. It's being acceptable to change. It's growing up in terms of baddy. HAHA. How cool was that. Damn. How do you find such a humble person who plays so well like him? Rare.

Menshoe's making me reflect on myself. I hated myself too. Ive been a bad child to my family too. I've been a bad student. But here I am, desperately trying to be better now. Being a good grandchild to grandma, staying with her just to not let her feel lonely. Being patience to my family. Being a student whos working hardest to be on the top. Being a humble baddy player. I'm trying. I'm seriously trying to be the best. It's hard, but it's doable. How about in terms of people?

I said something about hating peeps. I think I'm okay with some of them. I think I'm getting okay with people. Even boys. I don't hate them anymore. Im just a little scared. I don't wanna lose myself again. Here I have my close friends in my course. I did badly tho. I only got to be with the ipoh girls, and the Dsaui's. The rest... I don't know. Did race separate us? I don't know. We're still friends, just friends that don't know each other. It's a crazy life. Being close with people is tiring, especially when you had a long shitty history. My fam, mother side, father side, dad's company, yukchai, dj, to A levels, and now. Each phase has a tiny bit ot dramas, but most of them actually involve baddy, peeps I know from baddy. I don't even know why. I'm just relieved that life is improving. I just know that I thank every single incident. Still, exception: ET case. The case I never mentioned to anyone.

Next year's gonna be really tough. The more people you get close with, the more tiring. I'm going to be part of the committees. Life was already pretty tiring with so much baddy session with them, meanwhile trying to top my grades. But actually happy, content, satisfying. Plus being a committee Includes responsibilities. That's gonna tire me to death. So much to take care of. And menshoe. I'm not planning to say goodbye. We're going to meet, weekly, I hope. She could take lrt to kj lrt so we can baddy at fcuc. I'm determined to help with her footwork. Hopefully she's determined to improve. Then that would be much easier. This friend here, is a keeper. I've forgotten the last time seeing someone talk with that kind of heart. That pureness. We're all kind people, isn't it? Baddy can unite people, it always did anyway. So why not? 

From today I actually noticed. The committees are a bunch of peeps with great attitudes. All are keepers. Still unsure about mr soya cuz he never showed up. Uhm. But the rest, could be lifelong friends. So precious.

I feel really sad for my ex, wrongfully judging them. They're great peeps, and he lost the opportunity to have these people in his life. But his attitude, makes him lose everyone anyway. Idk bout his previous exes. But I'm gonna be one of them who'd keep giving. Just because, I care this much. Idk how he doesn't see it. But sokay, I'm used to it. Some people reject love. And they cry about the world not loving them. It's dumb. He's dumb. I have to make sure my life doesn't revolve around dummies. So I guess I have to keep running, stay away from him. I gave all I could, right? There are no regrets. The outcome is great. It's time to move on. I didn't get back both our smiles. I can sense him suffering. But at least I'm not the reason he's suffering anymore. And at my side, his suffering should not affect me. His suffering doesn't meant I have to suffer with him. I didn't get back our smiles, but I guess I got back mine. I've never been so free in such a long time.

Life has been really busy, content. But also, healthy and happy. We'll stay in touch, menshoe. And hopefully working closely with jon and ys wouldn't make me hate them. We're all baddy lovers with strong passion. And we're all grown up enough to be humble, to be ready to learn. It's a cool thing, you know.

Fuck blogger.

He might be a good friend. But not a good bf. He's living here in inti for intern, which explains why I bump into him so frequently. Which is why he came to see me compete. Which is why he texted me a little. These all have reasons, and it's because: convenience.

Don't be overconfident yh. He's not having second thoughts. He's just shitty person who has no sense of directions. He doesn't know that what he's doing, is inappropriate. He never thought about his gf when he asked me out for baddy. He never thought about her when he asked me out for dinner. If you mind, do you think she wouldn't? He's part ass part idiot. More towards idiot. Being so dumb makes him an ass.

I told him to join us instead.
It's for the last time anyway.

I told menshoe, he might join. And I'm a little scared. I was trying to tell him not to join, since his arm is in a worse shape than mine. But he doesn't care.
It's for the last time anyway, he said.

I told menshoe. Please tell the squad to take care of him. He thinks his arm can't be saved, so he'd get himself hurt even more, he'd play fully without being careful, and he'd hurt himself. And I don't want that to happen.

I hate that I care so much, menshoe was like "Aw, I'm so happy that I'm your friend." Well, he's my favorite person afterall. Who'd want to see their fav person suffer? His negative mindset is incurable. I couldn't help him back then, his current girl doesn't seem to help too.

I'm honestly scared of seeing him. Maybe I texted him a little more, so I'm less affected already. But seeing him is a different story. It requires looking at his face. Imagine all the memories. Even his back affected me. What can happen? It's almost finals. Is this even appropriate?

It's for the last time anyway. If he appears, it's final. After this week, he's no longer here. And there won't be chances bumping into each other. No chances to trigger him, so he'd completely stop texting me. That would be great. It'll be like a last experiment for me. Hypothesis: To study the ability of yh to be unaffected by her ex. Conclusion? Im scared.

But I guess I still want to have a proper look at him. Like.. is he really happier now? Then I'd know, whether it was a good decision on breaking up.

I feel like I'm slowly learning to think, recently. About everything. Since when did that happen? It's like when people tell me about grudges held from primary school... Man, that was ages ago, shouldn't you have grown up to look pass these stuff? And when someone told me about how much he "loves" someone. Oh my. I felt like giving a huge slap and yelling in his face. What do you know about love? Idiot.

Baddy is love. But you still get to see many boys, OLDER THAN ME but the thinking is like... KIDS. You people need some real traumatic experiences for you to grow up. I've seen that boi going after my bff. I'm not judging without source. He doesn't even know her. Well people change. Who knows whether it's the same case? I know. Haha.

Bois complaining about the entire sport and school was just as worse. One teacher looked down on you, doesn't reflect on the entire school, and that shouldn't make you hate the sport. Or get traumatized by it. It can make you angry. So you play hard, play well. When people laugh at you, it shows that they have shit personality. But if you get defeated by just that, you're just as weak. Stand up like a winner. Train like a winner. Shine like a champ. Let them be like... Oh, you're so good. Make them be embarrassed of themselves. Make them cry. That's how. People will attack you even when you're good. Get used to that, grow. Shine.

Friends. If something can make you hate the sport, maybe you never really liked the sport afterall. Cuz if you love something, nothing will make you hate it. Even if you hate it for a little while, you'll miss it. You wouldn't blame all the damage it caused. You thank it for all the lessons, experiences. You never give up on it.

Gosh I'm not describing love towards a person but wow sounds like it. Lol.

Yh you must be out of your mind.

We're talking with a casual conversation from social media.
Now we're talking about badminton?
Have you not learned your lesson?

Voices. Sometimes I don't remember that they used to be present so frequently. They've been gone for so long, that's how long I have my peace.

He said he wanted to intro forever win to me. And it seems we're destined to know each other. That's pretty cringey. The boy has his girl. Besides thinking, "He's a freaking god", I don't have second thoughts.

I think we've been playing baddy daily.
Well..  it happens. It happened to me. And this, my arm. This happened.

Maybe we all gotta get deeply broken to realize what are the real important stuff.

I'm supposed to finish two and a half chapters today. Suddenly, I was honked when I walked back alone, because I had a stomach ache. I had a stomach ache so I told the girls to go back first. And my ex saw me. Striked up a conversation. Asked me out to baddy.

I said yes of course. I said, it's okay if he joins. But is it okay? I don't know.

I'm a little scared. I'm a little messed up internally. Maybe it's not okay. I don't know. Mixed mixed ass feelings.

Am I ready to see him?

Love if exes cant become friends, angry if you think they can.

There was majority angry reactions. I gave a love. Exes cannot become friends.

They can't.

There was one moment I thought of ET. There were countless moments I thought of my first.

No matter what they did. I will look pass them all, and we're back to the original spot. Forgive and forget if you want to move on, isn't it ?

Yh please. You broke up because you want peace. Now there is peace. The main purpose is already done. We're both happy. What's with the knot in my stomach? What's with the mixed feelings?

No. This is wrong. Wrong.