Fate

Maybe it's meant to be. Like he said, I don't have to thank anyone. It's meant to be.

If my cousin and my sister didn't mock me, I wouldn't have discovered the passion for badminton.
If I didn't discover this passion, I wouldn't have gotten any chance meeting my ex - the president.
If my old Indonesian coaches didn't go back to Indonesia, I wouldn't have joined my ex's training, we wouldn't have gotten together.
If he didn't break us up two weeks before spm, I wouldn't have gotten such terrible results.
If I didn't got that result, I wouldn't have such low confident that I simply chose a uni for well recognized course - A levels, at a cheaper college - kbu.
If I didn't go there I wouldn't have gotten to know moon and his squad tru badminton.
If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have gotten to know ET and his squad.

So many ifs. So much trouble.

Everything leads back to now.
He said, I don't have to thank my ex for ruining my spm results. I didn't have to thank my cousins for mocking me. Didn't have to thank moon for liking me back then.

Each step as we can see. It's such a long process. And it leads to my current awesome life.

Even if it ends soon... Which I seriously hope it doesn't.... Even if it does, it happens for a reason. I will not regret. Still, I thank all these people in my life.

At least, I learned something. I learned a lot.

Can I be the one playing people's hearts? Like how my best friend does it. Like how the boys does it. Friends with benefits. Is that thaaaat mature ?

ET was playing around a lot. I asked him to pick me up, so he'd be like "Then you owe me a kiss."

Today, I realized I think he's not kidding. I had moments thinking. Is this right?

Then again, why not ? It's just a kiss. I have kissed people. I've had been kissed. I gotta say that I know how the world goes. I know people have sex everywhere even with people they don't know but I won't ever think it's right. People nowadays can't be serious. They just do things without much thought on it. They don't have feelings anymore.

I need a little bit of that, maybe.

So, why not? Go ahead.
I chose you to tell all the secrets that nobody knew. I chose you to run to when I'm completely broken.
If I had to choose one guy to kiss, that'd be you anyway. So, why not?

Badminton went fine today. Date with yip man went fine today. We asked each other, how's your life? She's pretty happy. I think I am too, right? I am. I found my way back to the squad.. a bit worried about the future, but let's just appreciate the time we have rn. I can pass my test. Doc said as long as you have the will to get A's, you can. He looks like he was satisfied with my will.

Just one thing's not right.
My stomach. It's fucking bloated all day. I barely ate anything. I had one lunch which was a huge suffer if yip man didn't help me on it. Then dinner was like... I didn't really eat. How do I actually live? My stomach aren't feeling right. But I couldn't eat. That's a problem.

Is it the alcohol?
ET said, my tolerance was definitely there. But alcohol withdrawal happened. My head could take it, my stomach couldnt. Maybe that's why. Or maybe I'm just sad.

I'm not sad.

Today, out of the blue. ET texted me. Am I studying? I said, no. Then he said, let's eat something. He brought me to a nice restaurant, a thai restaurant. Mokata, as we meet with doctor and juan, a new friend.

First thing doctor asked was what happened. He said my posts looked sad. I said, it was a frequent thing, the girl drew me a dead face, what else would I caption it? But anyhow, I said.. I broke up with him. And he said, I know. Heh. This ET.. I'm wondering.. if that day I didn't cry like fuck drinking, would they know? Or they'd know I just looked sad... But anyone could've asked ET. So if ET knows, everyone knows.

Doctor's nice to me. Half because I'm a little shy. I didn't have good appetite. He did a lot of the grilling, then bringing the food into my place. The meat were seriously delicious. They kept asking me, have I ate these stuff before? I said, nah. Vietnam too, nah. I like how they kept saying, they gonna bring me here and there and everywhere. Then they be like why didn't I go during CNY gathering? Because I have a bf.. I'm sorry guys. I know whenever he's around, We'd have a distance.. but he's my love. I had to make sure he's not left out, right ? Bring me next time.

It was a very full meal with a little bit of thai beer. Juan and ET were like typical cray kids staring at pretty girls. I'm not that quiet anymore. I could smile, I could laugh.

Then, they asked. Second round? They told me to make the decision. I said I can't say it. So they be like... Let's go nicsman. I told ET. I'm not having good tolerance.. I threw up at home. I asked him, how much exactly did I drank? He said, don't know, but I kept drinking non stop. I thought that was at the beginning. He said, no, you drank non stop, MORE afterwards. Didn't recall that. So my tolerance is still there, somehow.

I kinda feel bad they had to do this for me. So we were playing dices. They ordered one tower. I thought each of us were taking one or two pints. This time... I was having a bad stomach, again... I was super bloated, kept feeling like puking, but my head was so fine. I think my tolerance is definitely there. But towards the end I got more talkative. I think. I actually poked Juan's leg to call him, to ask random questions. I wish doctor passes all his tests. I wish I get a good Dean's list too. I'm chilling because.. I have time.

I had fun. I'm happy. Such a great day. We drank alot. They made me drink, because they thought I was sad. Like literally. ET made me drink. This evil little shit. Omg. My stomach... But I only see concern in his eyes.

He said, so, how was today? Happy? I said, happy. But then again, when you get back home, it'll be the same. Gotta move on.

They're people who care.
I'm not drunk, I would say. My heads not even spinning. My stomach's just bloated. I said. Doc, my weight went down for 4kg when he first broke up with me. He said, first loves are like that.

They treated me like a little sister. Like... I don't know. I love them. It kills me. I'm scared. Idk.

Do you remember what you said you'd do for me when I became 21? 

These are friends you can keep. Friends you treasure forever and never forget them.

Let's get out, have ourselves distracted. Stop the pain, move on. I will move on.

I'm really thankful that they're there for me. They're here for me.. I'm sorry... It's my trouble but they, they gave me their time, company... They want to make me feel better.

It's the most fucking huge blessing I've ever have. I love this bunch, and I will get better. I love this bunch so much. If I ever get a future bf, and they don't accept me hanging around with them, then he's not my bf.

Somehow I got a little regret telling my fam abt the break. They being nosy, ignorant. Asking me why do I go out so often. So am I supposed to stay at home all day to look at the walls just to think about the past or what ? Senses please.

These friends. These are the people I love most. I love them more than wood. I love the support they give, the concern they have, and that they care about my feelings. They know that there's nothing they can say, but they can give what they can: company. And that's all I need.

I realized I used to hesitate a lot. Posting a post, tapping in to our old photo, deleting, archiving, muting, hiding, unfollowing. I did all those. Not all at once, bit by bit when I remember them. And it was no hesitation. Even the sentence "I think we should break up." Was sent about one sec after typing.

Maybe I was quite ready this time.

We had one chance. If he says no, if he reassures to start treating me right, I would've let it be. But he didn't. It just means, he's strongly confident that he can't do it. Can't treat me better. Can't control his fucked up attitude from nothing.

To think of it, he didn't really agree to break up. It wasn't completely official, because when I said, what else can we do? He said he didn't know what I need. And when I told him what I needed, he did not reply. Until now. I didn't wait tho. Waited for like ten minutes. I didn't cry. I calmly muted his contact, I calmly archived him. And then, there I go craving alcohol. There I go, driving.

He didn't reply.
It's kinda hanging right there. But whatever he's gonna say, if he's gonna say anything, it doesn't make any sense anymore.

I was wrong. Maybe I love him. He doesn't love me. Why do I need to beg for someone to care about my feelings if that someone really does love me? That doesn't make any sense too. That's a lie. He doesn't, he never loved. Since the start, it was fucking obvious. He wanted my attention. He wanted to be loved, but not loving back.

Fine. Fine.

Fine.

Remember what he said to me. Just gotta do that. Remember every single hurtful things. Then there's nothing to be sad about.

Maybe, just maybe we do love each other. Still. I never asked him that question. I know, he cares. He still loves. or idk maybe he's forgotten. We just didn't know how to give what each other needs. I'm giving what I think he needs. He gives what he thinks I need. Which is all wrong.

It's no one at fault. We're just not compatible. That's all. I know that I've done all I could, isn't it? So I will not regret. We both tried. And it's done.

I can't do it. I have many many voices in my head. Stop it. Please stop it. I'm starting another American series. It's like the only way to distract me from all the shits.

But when each ep ends, I had to keep on playing it. And it's not healthy at all. I'm supposed to study. Do notes. Anything but relax. I'm supposed to be busy.

Ten days to finals, and I'm here thinking about my ex.

Wow. My ex.

Yes.

How do I accept that ? I can't.
I seriously can't.
I don't think I should bother ET anymore. It's not his fault I have shits to deal with. It's not his fault my ex was a piece of ungrateful little idiot. It's not his fault I broke up with him and got fucked up.

I shouldn't bother anyone. But it kills me. It seriously. I want to drink. I want to drink, like crazy.

I want to die.

No I'm just saying. I wanna go into a deep deep coma for 5 years. Please. Give me a break ? How do you end the pain? How? ET, how did you end the pain? You still loved her when you left her. You made the choice. But you have a bunch of alcoholic brothers with you. I only have you. And I don't know what to do.

Idk what to do.. please can you make it stop?

I have to start living.

I know where my friends are. They're everywhere, actually. It makes me.. able to go anywhere without feeling alone. It's it good? Pineapple might be at sg, along with mic, gold, the rest, and ET too, soon. I can actually go there too. Since there has better developed biotech career opportunities. It's closest to Malaysia. It's still near, it's home. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to be alone. All I have to do is speak up, my friends will listen. I don't have to be sad that they can't help me. ET can't help me too, he just wakes me. No one can help me so I gotta learn to help myself.

I'll have to ace chem. Ace math, ace mgt and genetic. I'll have to go for Dean's list, President's list. I'll have to get very good grades. And I'll find my way. I might not get expected good grades, but I can have the attitude. I can have a good attitude. Wood is gone. Gone for good. I'm mean enough to myself that I stopped texting him, completely. I've killed the streak, and unfollowed him from fb. I don't wanna delete tho. There is no point.

I want to look at those photos and be able to say that I already let go. These were even harder three years ago. My life mindset aren't gone. He didn't completely brainwash me. I still have my senses. Nothing lasts forever, and I already accepted it.

Stop crying, get up and study. Socialize, get better network, find a closer version of ET. Find another group of friends I can be with when I'm here in inti. Find, because... I don't have to be alone.