Self reminder

He's still a smart guy. Maybe slightly slower than I expected, but he still asked.
Why did you wanted to call tho?

I realized I can never sleep when things are running in my head, unless I'm so tired to the point that I can't even think. Yes, those times exist. Existed three days ago we had this small factory visiting trip. BBTEI students went there by bus. I went because I thought I was fucking free.. Actually I wasn't that free. The thing is, I can never ever sleep in a bus. Never. Not even the plane. Not any vehicles unless we're going to Ipoh, it takes so much time for me to fall asleep. I fell asleep otw back from that yakult trip, and the seniors nudged me and said we arrived. It was a fucking 25 mins journey. What? Good nap tho.

He said, it's harder to learn through competitions.
However tru sports fiesta, that mindset changed. I learned, actually. After all these years, I still remember the first match I played. In DJ I think. Van was my partner, she was way better than I was back then, and she convinced me to join with her. I was scared as hell. That's when I started my first ever training.

Six years, three different training centers. I didn't switch just for fun. I switched because my coaches left. They all left, Idk why tf, but I'm fucking thankful they left. The twins left, coach Lin left. And my current coach is like a part dad. I believe he will never leave. I wanna make him a proud coach.

My second tournament, was it with carmen? I think so. I remember my legs were shaking. I remember my first mssd, my legs shaked even harder. I've lost a lot, a lot. I have no idea why I could be that scared during tournaments, and what made me okay with it now?

I remember my first mix doubles tournament with my ex at 2014. It was at Nottingham, semenyih. Still, scared as hell. He was the one who taught me the right way to play mix. He wasn't even done. I have a lot more to learn after this tournament. Four years, I've been playing more and more mix doubles. I'm so familiar with the positioning, I can literally teach people. But then, that day when we played against spongebob, it was like the worst ever mix doubles match. Well partly it was the first ever time I paired with my partner, and it was the first ever time he played a mix doubles. Funny, huh? And our opponenet paired to train for a long time already. Their formation was indestructible unlike other normal mix doubles group. Usually we aim the girl. But this girl kills and kills. She was damn fucking ready. They fucked my positioning. I was so lost Idk whether I should run left or right, front or back. I didn't even know what kind of shots should I return. So lost! Fucking hell. I've never been so lost.

My ex told me to control the shuttle, not let it control me, think where to hit, not blindly just let it go across the net. Yes, dear. I have been listening to you. Your lectures were fierce but straight, hard but I did listened. I couldn't do it right away because duh it takes practice. At least, unlike what you assumed, I never ignored your advices. Asshole. Over these years I managed to control the shuttle, I started thinking which are the most strategic spots to hit. Every shot indicates a test run, and when it's right, I try to remember the feel, and do it again, again until it's a habit. I can control the shuttle most of the time, but... Not that day against spongebob, cuz I had no idea where to hit, let alone controlling. Up to now I kept rewinding what did I do wrong what should I do back then, I had no fucking clue. Hell. But what I can say is.. I did learned something. Songrass gave me some advices on that match. Well, I tried. And the other match, he gave me encouragement. I hit to the girl most of the time and risked a lot. He said, I can hit to the guy, because I'm capable. I'm capable of defending his attacks, he said, chubby gab can't kill me, because I'm better than I imagine. Haha. That's the best encouragement I've received in such a long time. And it worked.

One thing I regret is not getting to know my opponents. After each game I should've went over and start socializing. Why didn't I? I should get to know the girl. *Uninterested abt the guy* I need to try playing more with spongebob mix to figure out what was the problem. I need to get back to training. Gosh, it excites me.

Ok times up. I was supposed to nap until now but stuff kept running in my head. I have deadlines, badminton thoughts, vip thoughts, award ceremony thoughts. Tired but not tired enough.

I've been lazing around. I don't think I can get an A for biochemistry. Or could I?
It's funny how I had the thought that I could possibly get no A's last semester, turned out getting on Dean's list. Thank you luck. Thank you life for making me break up two weeks before finals, just like three years ago. It's a good release. Maybe I can get an A for biochem?

I did get like 50% for test 1 chemistry 2. If I could drag the score back up, why not this time? Ms Emily can't kill me. I have all the notes and I'm ahead the entire class, why should I assume I couldn't get an A? Fucking inconfident eh? Not me.

Why I hate frustrating nights.

I got over it. I started thinking about deadlines. One of them was to rsvp the attendance for the award ceremony. So, I clicked into the link, there was a list of people.

I guess I do have a bad habit.
I searched for my ex's name.

I'm not sure if I was scared that he might attend, or if I was looking forward for him to attend. I'm not sure whether I want him there. I'm not sure if I'm ready to see him in his new life moving on happily, I'm not sure if I'm just curious about his life or what shit.

Idk what I'm looking forward into. Next week? No please, not next week. I have so many deadlines. It's making me not sleeping.

I tried to call my man. Didn't end the way I want it to. I didn't get to call. I got "bad connection and gonna sleep" instead. It was disappointing. Maybe I'm just disappointed from the matches. Idk. It's overall disappointing. I saw woo girl and his boy holding hands through the night market. I saw my old masiswa partner shining his happily ever after photos. I'm here like an idiot waiting for a guy to have time for me, biweekly and it's already one whole fucking month.

I think I'm running out of patience. I think I'm getting really really hot tempered, I'm worried. I've been thinking too much, little things annoy me. I don't have the time, but I made time to over think instead of study my ass off. Fuck me.

I'm so pissed. Why did I searched his name? Why was I upset over loong case? Why am I impatience with my man? Why am I not studying. So many things I'm not supposed to do but I'm doing them. I just miss being with people that matters maybe ? But why do they never ever feel the same ? Or do they?

I've been playing a lot of badminton. Maybe I shouldn't have joined sports fiesta so that I could avoid all these frustration. I play badminton to enjoy, to stay distracted from life. Not to get more frustrated. Ish, I'm not thinking straight. I'm having the wrong attitude.

If you're good, people would beg to have you on their team. I just have to be that good, to have better choices. Same theory with career, badminton, anything. Even if I'm not good, having the right attitude wins more. At least that's what mom said.

Need to refresh my head.

Shitty end

Mixed feelings.

Sports fiesta hasn't ended, but our team suicided, yesterday. I think it was a really dumb move of intima to play with our feelings.

I was ready to lose. So ready, then they said we got into semifinals. My heart went up.

Of course I have the intention to keep playing. I have the winning lust. Who doesn't? You guys can't just give us hope then say sorry it was a mistake. Wtf. I would've been so okay if I wasn't played.

Fucking hell got me so frustrated.

Songrass was played too. But I kinda felt they disappointed me more than they disappointed him.

Of course we gotta get out there and pretend like we don't really care and it's just a casual game. It's not! I was serious, at least. Songrass was too. I don't get how people who can't play actually have balls to sign up for a competition. Well if you don't play at all, what for? All our efforts fucked into the drain.

I'm sorry. I was so ready to win. I'm ready for inti close. Woman singles, mix doubles I'm ready. I wanna play like how we played in training. Fair, without being dragged down by a team with so many people. I don't even know wtf's wrong with me.

I want to be spotted by the best players. I want the hardwork to be noticed. I need someone to help get me further. Ugh. I don't even know what I meant. Fame? Not exactly. I want to play with the best players, to slowly get to their standard. I want to reach their standard, that's all.. but did they, actually notice?

The dude who beat songrass on singles without breaking sweat. And the girl with pink yellow shoes. My idol.

Sometimes I think, maybe they're too damn arrogant to stare at any of us. Sometimes... But I did caught their gaze. Or was it a mistake? Ish. The girl, especially. I wish I get to make more friends with girls who can really play. Such a rare opportunity, and I didn't get the chance to know her. Ugh. How? Pissed. Fed up.
I really wanna slap intima peeps. They're so dumb. But still, thanks for organizing. I appreciate that. Not the dumbness.

Sports fiesta

My life is content I can die in peace rn.

So today was first day of sports fiesta. A team event organized by intima which includes badminton, so.... I guess I mentioned before? Son grass got me into his team because chubby gab's team was full. They both want me. HAHA. It feels extra good to be wanted, honestly. Honestly. Well, what to do? The most likely champion team was full.

So my original partner got really sick, and got substituted by a guy almost my height. I know I'm evil to be judging, but well, his height is a very very emo disadvantage but who knows, maybe he plays fucking good even tall guys are afraid of him? Not judging. Heh. Not the bad way. Anyway. The first few matches got me fired up. Not mad, I mean. Really not-calm. Anxious. Singles, men doubles, men doubles, woman doubles, then lastly mix doubles. Five games. I participated two, obviously. First game was like a warm up game. Lucky to have an opponent not so pro, that I aimed her all the time. But second game, it was a seasoned mix doubles pair. They used the same girl, but she did way better during mix. Conclusion: 1 - 1. I mean, my sets. But the rest of the team lost. In conclusion: 1 - 4 which means, we lost so badly. Nevermind. Guess what?

We versus team chubby gab at the second round. Holy fuck. Obviously it's a 100% lose game. I did really badly at the woman's doubles. I can't believe I lost. I mean, we lost. Mostly I was backing up my partner so.... I lost. Ish. Bad bad game. But during mix doubles. Ha. It was the best ever. Three matches, all with close score. Us versus chubby gab and the same girl. I like how we deuced until abt 24-22. The rest of the hall was waiting for us, the last game, so it was abit pressured, plus their reactions. The applauses, cheers. Wow. Stress. Anyway, we won. Oh fucking hell it was a close call. I was soooo fucking worried that I might make bad services and hit the fucking net, wasting nice points. Holy. I'm happy with this. Honestly. I paid like RM26 for the competition and the jersey, I feel like I've won it all back. It's a worthy tournament. The satisfaction. The fun. The social opportunities, all are gains. I've never been this happy getting two consecutive scores. It's like. Wow. Idk how to describe already. It was pretty tiring tho, cuz mix doubles comes after womans doubles. I'm glad I had training, hours playing matches by matches consecutively, with friends too. The stamina was so important, and I could happily honesly say, yeah I can continue don't worry.

We had supper. My girl partner made me ordered food. Ugh. Much guilty. So half the team and a few of the audiences went to eat. Through convos I know that they're all cupnoodle's May 2018 OLE kids. My juniors. Feeling old, but happy. I don't feel bad for joining songrass's team instead of chubby gab's. This team is socially more fun actually. Chubby gab's team was a little too cool, except for chubby gab, he's cute. May 2018 OLE team.

So, I've recklessly caused half my own OLE group to forget my face but then managed to crash party knowing a different batch of OLE group. This is a fucking gain.

Fuck you, asstard, for making me stay in my room. Fuck you for making me missed out what I've missed thanks to your narrow minded opinions which I seemed to compromised in order to make you feel better. He ruined me. Find my way back to love? I found it when you're gone. I guess nobody can ever shut me in a tiny room. I'd go out, meet new people, and get new squads.

Life, maybe I'd know these people for a month or two. Maybe two weeks. But people come and go, right. Like, it depends on how much effort I'm gonna put to maintain anything, if there's anything. Loong's gone, maybe he's just a passerby just like that ass. He just stayed a little longer, and that's not anyone's fault. Who knows.

Sports fiesta. Very fun event. I think I'd join it again next time. Who knows? I a8m for a bigger network, let's see how far I can get.

Just because he agreed that I constantly update him about nice songs, doesn't mean that's a lasting thing. It doesn't go one way. I've heard nice songs. I've went to singk. I've been listening to a lot.

But when I look at fb, the knot is still there. Friend, are you still a friend ?

When you care about someone, but had to know about that someone through other people.. still not knowing how did things went.

The only thing you can do is flip your album to remind yourself, or go through the audip recordings to listen for yourself. I've called him by his full name once when I was tipsy. And I told him to be healthy and well for the next sixty years. He said, alright, he would. Hilarious audio. I sounded bad. Like I drank so much. But actually it was my bad alcohol tolerance.

So was it the nightmare that brought us closer together?
Was it the nightmare that made me care a little more than I'm supposed to? Was it the care that touched him a little more than he was supposed to be? A nightmare, a couple of drinks that drove me tipsy showed him, I'd want him well.

But it's all gone now.

Drama queen hangout?

I didn't want a long date anymore, but drama queen was expecting singk already. So why not? She was finally free. It was a nice date. Most of the talks were before the movie and during dinner. It was a lot a lot of update.

Well the first thing she saw me, she said I looked happier rn. That was odd. I haven't even start with the update. Well... I am happier.

It's nice to be able to catch up well. All the concerns can fuck off. There was nothing wrong with drama queen. But somehow I see the old us in her and her boy. Not gonna say it seems toxic. But... The boy is young. They both are each other's first love. What to expect? Learning in progress. So much trouble, but necessary.

From this I actually feel really lucky. I have someone so wise to guide me on this journey to be better, instead of learning through shit times then not knowing what to do when the other party didn't feel the same way. That's how my ex left. Mindset not transferred. Sending error. It was rejected. What to do? Haha.

I hope she's happy. Every argument should lead to better peace in the future, not more arguments regarding the same issue. Too pointless, and immature.

Life gonna be tough.
Exams gonna be tough oh gosh I should get my ass to study.

"I heard you've been attached."

I can never forget, it was wrong. A completely wrong statement. I've been in a relationship with a physio guy. I've told him about my stupid injured arm and he tried to help me fix it. What else am I supposed to do? I didn't mean to reject all the time. I missed you guys. I wanted to go out with you guys.

When you care, but the person doesn't allow you to care. What do you do? Do you give up, or secretly check on that person? I'd choose the second option all the time.

"Talk like we're gonna slowly fade away.."

Didn't you all fade away?
I'm still briefly asking about him through other peeps. I remember the last time he walked just next to me. Well, that time I wasn't really being myself. I had some very bad times. I stayed out of home to prevent the overthinking disease. I didn't mean to be that quiet. I'm not a quiet person.

The news I've gotten from people were extremely horrifying. Car crash, medical condition that required a freaking surgery. All those but. Idk. I thought I'd have a chance to ask about recent stuff, and bring us back to what we had. I thought you'd ask me about my bad times like how you asked when I decided to dive into the risk of hell. But you never asked.

And when I asked, I guess I'm finally.. clear. I've lost you as a friend.

LCW was like giving the glare when I talked about my bad arm. He said, go fix it. Like how arrogant said it. So determined to convince me to get it fixed. Well you know what, I know what the doctor's gonna say. He'd say, rest for a week, or two weeks. And when I rest, I reject people again. And I lose friends like how I lost Loong. I can't.

Coaching

So...... I've went for a movie with my sister because my vip decided to ffk me for the second time. There are no regrets. I only regret saying no to ginger last sat when he asked me out. I craved alcohol, he invited me, while I rejected. How stupid.

The ticket buying process was madness. Chicken helped me to buy a movie ticket yesterday cuz I had one free ticket almost expiring. I told him to buy a seat at the side with one empty seat in the middle, expecting a new free ticket available on today, so I can use that to buy for my sister. So...... That empty seat was taken. Unlucky. However, we bought a ticket for a seat nearby just behind. FORTUNATELY, both person supposingly sitting next to me actually decided to waste their tickets so sis could sit next to me lmao.

The incredibles 2. It was good. I thought it would be a bit kiddo but it has a good plot and all. Hilarious, and cute too. Aw. Nice day.

At night, I asked sis out to badminton. It was a risk. I was hoping nicsman would be there but then he didn't put up his name. So my main point is to train my sister. It was so good, there was an empty court at the side. So important. Today I taught her how to serve. I know I don't serve nice shots. But.... The end product was good, I mean my sister. Now she serves like a pro. Usually from service, we could already know how good the opponent is. She can't play like a pro, but at least the professional looking service wins a little. Heh. That impression is important.

Nicsman came. Made me pretty happy hahahahaha. I needed him to give my sister some motivation. Since nicsman himself coaches students... I asked him to help out a little. He showed us his footwork style. A little different, but almost the same. Gosh, he's so good. He said my sister is good cuz he pointed the error and how to correct it, she corrected it right away. Haha. I think it's fun. Recently I'm having satisfaction coaching her. I'm starting to plan what to do the next time we get to play etc etc. Too awesome. At the end of the day, nicson said, her footwork seems good already, just needs more practice to let it seem more.... natural. Yup.

I'm looking forward lol.

Physically

I wasn't having a great weekend, because.... I was making a fuss over fate. Raya weekend, four days holidays for my vip. But then, I had him mine for less than two hours. All this while I was patiently waiting. I was always waiting to the point I'm starting to think. Am I his vip tho? What exactly does action means in long distance? There's no such thing as actions. I was slightly troubled. I put everyone, everything aside just to standby, but there was nothing at all. Made me felt like a dumb shit. I did craved alcohol for a week, but I only drank last night. There were some guests, I was still troubled. So I finally poured wine for myself. One and another, it was so good. Had more than like six glasses. Too good. Then I decided to voice up a little.

The outcome was good. There was no outcome. I guess I didn't expect any outcomes, just wanted him to know that he's my vip. And he understood. Good enough. Life was fine. I pushed a few invitations, but then started to accept all the rest. So my sunday was packed like fuck.

The entire morning to noon was spent at the river. Evening was spent on a badminton court. Finally badminton with sis. That was pretty satisfying.

Earlier, in my room, I taught her to swing. She swung weirdly. Like korean drama girls trying to playfully hit their boyfriends. So stiff. I only told her, relax. It's kinda like holding a bow. Blahblah. Point it, swinging. Idk if she could get it right on the court tho. Then I taught her footwork in my room, again. Our room, actually. It's a small room. Half of the room is used up thanks to the bed, my table, two wardrobes and a book rack. There was barely space for my office chair to roll across. But anyway, I still taught her footwork here. MiNi version. So she did tiny footworks, but accurate ones. So she could maximize her steps on the court. Anyway....

Today finally we did it officially on the court. I think it was fucking satisfying. That improvement. And she told me her swing did improved. She said Salty fish's man dropped her to make her run like fuck before. And with her improved swing, it was harder to drop like that. Which made me fucking satisfied. Oh god.

Maybe I could fuck up an arm. But I can still see her doing it for me. Maybe I can train people just fine. Maybe I could work with my coach. Hahaaahah. Ok ignore me. It was fun training her. But I think I lost my voice from the way I spoke when I trained her. Fucckkkk. Suddenly realize how hard it is to be a coach.

I have a nice fam. Even if my vip failed me, I have my fam. Chicken helped me to get movie ticket for tomorrow. So I didn't waste my reward which worths RM12. I've had the following days planned for my sister too. Since she's suddenly free due to raya break. She even asked her friends out to satisfy my singk needs. Omg. She is love.

It was a half disappointing weekend. I've expected more, which is my fault actually. but thanks to fam, it wasn't such a bad weekend. People who are there makes a difference.

Empty

So much understanding and compromise.
Is it?

Recently I've been scrolling fb way too much. I've been scrolling insta. Scrolled until I was looking at the same posts over and over again. I've been craving food. I've been craving drinks. I want to drink, and I don't know why.

Maybe I'm a little empty. I've been missing one person. But that one person has been really busy. Shits happened that needs him to solve them, one by one it comes subsequently. It pisses me off why that timing comes when we finally have time for each other but I don't have reasons to be pissed. I can only say that.... He didn't ask for these things to happen. I can't blame him. I can't blame anyone.

I can only sit here, try to study, scroll social media a lot a lot, until I'm so frustrated over nothing. I have approx ten days of holidays, but he's only here for lile four days. Two days passed. He's not around. He's been busy. I hate his client. Why? Raya break, why take him? Fuck off. Haiz. What to do?

I hate ruined plans. But there's nothing I can do when there are no plans at all. Tbh. Yeah we didn't really plan. So? I've been waiting for so long. All these time, waiting waiting, and I don't know. I thought you'd be free. You were never free. We have so little time, and I'm emptying them all. I empty them, to standby for you. But I'm just sitting here like an idiot. Idk when it's gonna end. It's like... You'll be away all the time, but when you're back, it doesn't make a difference.

Commit

I've been craving alcohol, listening to some kinds of songs I shouldn't be listening to. Hah. Maybe all these added up to make my recent life a little more sentimental.

Makes me think of my ex. The other way.
Not the way that I'd want to kill him, punch him. I just thought, maybe it all ended the moment he deleted my number. Let's forget the part where he saved it back. He did deleted my number, even tho he never admitted to it.

I deleted his, too. Until recently I wanted to take a peek at his WA status, or insta bio caption, and I couldn't get any info. In other words, I cut him out of my life, and succeeded. I can't even see anything even if I want to now. Is that what I want?
Idk. But that's what I needed.

Sukma girl said after that night, she drank alone. She said she realized drinking makes us more sad than we already are. She said, she drank alone, and finished a couple bottles. That's super hardcore. I've only drank alone, for a little. Maybe two bottles max. Or whiskey. Like today.

Maybe I don't even like whiskey. I like the company. When they're there, I do like whiskey. When they're not there, whiskey smells so foul. It tasted bad. Made me ate chocolates afterwards.

I'm pretty empty. Even after choosing my commitment... I realized I can't depend on them. A person? How does that count when it's such far away? It's like idols far away, you see them only on screens, photos. How does that count? I don't know. There are countless good times that last so short, and then it's all patience. It's a challenge. But I have faith in us. I think, he's worth it. I'd wait.

Commitments. What else? Badminton? It's a hopeless sport. I told myself so many times, I'm improving, repeatedly, to not let life seem too dull. Everyone saw it. I saw it. I know it. Some says I net much better. Some says I hit much harder(wtf?). Some says I have better reflex. I say, I improved overall. Have to work more on consistency. My shots are way prettier than usual. It's like I'm finally playing with my brain. Hitting their blindspots, hitting the right places, getting my racket up at the right timing just so I can readily kill without needing much strength. Yeah I think I'm improving at that part. I'm learning to hit to the right places using limited strength, mostly due to my arm issue. And that's improving me. Another thing, my footwork too. I'm running to the right places at the right time when I'm pairing close friends. It's all a little different when I partner with strangers. I mean. I don't trust them enough, or I wasn't sure whether their playing style fits mine, so it goes a little messy. But seriously, when I partner my friends, I ran to the right places, the perfect timing got me killing effortless at the right moments, which is fucking satisfying.

Sometimes they lose confident and take my shot. It took abit of communication, and it gets better immediately. Bro, mine mine. Sometimes, we played better when they trust me. It's so fun. Fff. I can never quit badminton. Idc what's gonna happen, but this August I'm going to fix it. Balance it out. Reduce playing, or maybe just reduce lobs and smashes. Just like how ck does it.

Badminton no more

So, I'm back from inti.

Sukma girl was planning to badminton today.(yesterday, actually, since it's midnight) Since Loong's season squad no longer invite guests... I'm a little sad actually. I liked organizer, and tattoo guy, and the other long haired guy. They're all cool peeps. Of course Loong. Distant is real. I told sukma girl, on.

In the morning I had two hour tutorial, it was when I walked, when I did daily activities, I realized my arm was in very very bad condition. I'd switch using my left arm when reaching for stuff. All the stuff. I think I need to get a new laptop bag due to the arm. I didn't even badminton on Tuesday, what the hell is wrong? I rested. And it's this bad.

He said, stop when it hurts.
How do I stop when it hurts if it hurts when I start? 

I used to say, my arm is fine. Cuz it's just weak, I play without pain. I don't mind the after effect. But now, it's not just weak. It hurts from each high hit. I can't hit high anymore? I can't smash anymore? The fuck?

And I planned to badminton on thurs. Wtf. And... There's sport fiesta coming up, I'm pairing with a Johor state player. Inti close is coming up, I want to go for singles.

But I'm so tired. Ugh.
Sukma girl told me to get acupuncture.
My heart tells me to go physio clinic for free treatment but that has to wait until.... Like two months later. Can my arm wait for another two months ?

Honestly this time it's really fucking dying.

Badminton club

Today's like a new day. Last night mom gave me a pile of clothes which suited my newly acquired taste: sleeveless. Partly due to the fucking hot weather, partly I finally have the mood to dress myself up better. Mom even suggested me to wear them to class. Sleeveless? I asked, is that even appropriate? She said I could wear a jacket.

So I did this today. Sleeveless with long pants, badminton shoes. Thanks to today's class which has lab, which makes it not matter whatever I wear since I'm gonna have a lab coat. I get comments from classmates. Duno what kind of impression from the lecturer. But anyway, I'm not doing anything wrong bleh.

It was a fucking tiring day that I reconsidered so many times whether or not to go badminton tonight. Anyway, decision was made before I go to class. It was a sequence of plans outside, so I had to get things ready isn't it? Troublesome, to save the trouble.

Wearing badminton shoes and bringing a racket to class wasn't that awkward since I only had one racket instead of a huge badminton bag plus shoe bag. Since it was my old shoes, why so overprotective? I wore it to the roads. It still hurts. My heart hurts wearing badminton shoes on the fucking road. But that's the best plan.

We did dialysis for lab. Not actually dialysis... Dialysis of milk. So boring eh? Yup. What to do. I love Dr Cheng. I want a photo with him before I graduate. I love this lecturer he's so kind and precise. Ahh.  Let's wait till I get my lab marks, I'll comment further HAHA.

Anyway. Fucking tiring thanks to arrogant being so talkative last night, and my recklessness that made me woke earlier than supposed to. Life is good, still. We went to the library to work on our report just to let time pass, wtf. Such rajin peeps. I crai. But it's good motivation. Our schedule is too imba, made us had a two hour gap between after lab and dinner time. It's a good gap. I prefer the girls outside. They need to get out more ish.

Anyway after dinner was the first damn time I join badminton club. I wasn't expecting much. A little bit awkward. Luckily chubby gab's group still does play with me. And from there I get to know Cham, a girl younger than me by one year. She has an arm issue too. Haih poor thing. We dead. Anyway, today I finally witnessed more of the inti team. Yes they're pretty good. I doubt my ex could beat them all easily. Why would he diss them that way? Being too proud kills you. The guys were good, damn good. The girls, two state players, were damn fucking good too. I looked at their form and be like fuck she is my idol. And I don't even know her name. We played a woman doubles match. Made me nervous af, it's the team watching. Ffff.

Let's go back to the club part. So the system goes this way. All the members reach there and register by handing in the member card. So the committees would shuffle and place four names into respective courts. I think this system sucked. But what to do? KBU had this system too. But KBU was better. To ensure better quality time spent, I proposed to limit the amount of participants for each badminton session, the supervisors agreed, so it was done, crowd was gone. This club did nothing to control the crowd.

However, the first match playing with three strangers was funny. I probably partnered the guy who could play best among all, and since I have my standards, it was quite imbalance. I gained an invitation to join this guy's team for sports fiesta, a small intra inti tournament.

I have an excited spot. I like making people mindblown at my playing. I like how fucking smooth certain net shots can be, I think it helped me gain kakis. Friends. Got to know another two guys who was probably committee. Fuck i can't remember the tall one. They seemed friendly. And fucking hilarious 😂 ok I think I can get closer to the peeps in the club more than chubby gab's squad.

Still

Two teams want me to play for them.

I'm crying already. I feel like my ex burried me in a hole and made sure I wouldn't get any chance to build new connection, networks. Now I'm getting to know people from mechanical engineering, business, accounting, tcm, even chemical engineering, many! fucking hell did you enjoyed watching me cry ranting how isolated I am in hostel? Did you? Fuck you. Fuck the person you're fucking right now. Fuck your brain because if you really think you have the heart to help people, then you probably think meals are free. I remember it oh so well.

What for, knowing people from different field? Can they really cross paths with you? You don't need that. You mean, fuck everyone who's not gonna be beneficial, eh? You mean, you only befriend people because they have their worth of being used eh? No wonder you don't have friends. You're too proud. Too proud that you think you rule the world alone, that you think you didn't even need to use anyone. Such an ass.

Life's been changing so fast. One night, one RM18 and an exhibition week. I found what I was looking for. Badminton addictssssss.

Valentine

It's funny how fate brings people together or apart. If it's not meant to be, no matter how many times you break up and get together, it's just not gonna work isn't it?
Same goes ET and his ex.

Today chicken brought me to badminton at inti subang. It's funny how he's not an intian while I am, but he's the one introducing me into the squad.

We were like half an hour late. There were five fucking courts. We took the entire hall. And only one girl, exclude me. I'm pretty sure I can beat some boys, but those people there were pretty good. Not that bad.

I met Valentine. I'm not sure have I mentioned his name before? The first time I needed to take lrt from SS15, I wasn't sure of the directions. He was going to the same place, so he led me the way. A very friendly guy. We had a few walks together, like about three. There weren't many chances as it was close to finals when I knew him. How coincident for him to appear here in a court! Fucking hell. Someone I thought I'd never meet again. And we had no idea about each other actually are badminton players.

Met another guy so familiar. He said hi to me. Took awhile for me to figure out who he was. He was later than we were. And when we partnered, he kept saying, I improved damn lot. Thanks, friend. Lol. I asked him, when's the last time you play with me? He said two years ago.

So I'm much better than two years ago. Yay. It sounds great lol. And suddenly we were talking about old times. Yewe mentioned my ex. He said, he remembered how he scolded me during badminton. I actually never really think about those times if he didn't mention. Yea he was an ass. Yeah. Ass. An ass who thought there's nothing wrong scolding his gf like that in public.

I can't believe today's actually chicken's birthday. 21th birthday. Fuck. I forgot to bring my wallet. If I did, I'd bring him to drink. I'd make him drunk and drive him back. 21th birthdays are supposed to be wild and mad. He's too soft. Uh.

But it was a nice day. I love how I can come back to this squad. I even met a biotech guy from IMU. He seemed much stressful than I am. Lol. I feel bad.

Let's hope I can manage more squads. Life is too awesome.

體面

All was fine. I smiled walking in, but how did I walked out? Drunk and shitty. Guess I expected that when I told him where I parked. I walked out and ET asked the security abt where the parking was at.

You know how funny the joke is when someone dies laughing, unable to finish the joke properly.
You know how broken you are when someone asks you, what happened? And you couldn't speak properly.

體面

It's a casual break up song. Not depressing, at least the lyrics and tone sounded like she was fine, exactly how it's supposed to be expressed. Fake it till you make it expression.

But why did I die at that point? Thanks to that live band at Alvisy, It's like every time I hear this very nice song, scenes on that day rewinds, replays. It's like it's going to be that clear and detailed. It's like it just happened yesterday. It's like images so fresh and new, like I've experienced it a million times, even tho.. maybe it's nothing to him, maybe he didn't even remember what I've said to him, but I do.

Disadvantages about having very detailed memory. I'd be remembering things alone right here. All the hurtful things he said. All the pain at that time. It's like getting stabbed once and remembering again and again how it feels like, even tho it's completely healed. They say, scars are still painful when pressure is applied. I guess sometimes, song applies pressure ?

Sem 3 twist

I think period is a fucking terrifying thing that only filters for the worst memories.

I've been having weird ass dreams again, weird ass rewinding about the past without any reason.

Hostel life's never been better. I've got what I was searching for. I reached out, I got it right away. Why didn't I do that earlier? They asked me. Jonut asked me. I said, I had dumb reasons to stay away from the badminton team or club. Chubby gab asked too. Same answer. They aren't that chuan I guess? I think they're like the fcuc boys. Distant, but I don't give any fucks. Or maybe I have this impression just because I've only met them once? Why do I judge people without knowing them for more than two hours? Ish.

First two weeks of new sem started nice. I'm not that isolated. We did went out more than usual. And suddenly fucking period, I'm back to isolation. But that's no a choice. Anyway I got to know this malay girl who studies traditional Chinese medicine. Tcmalay. Too cool. She's so hyped I like her.

I find myself talking about my ex replacing "my friend" sometimes. Like why did you not join badminton club? Well, I had a friend who strongly adviced me not to.

Never try, never know. If I joined earlier, I would've found my squad. I would've skipped all these isolation. Fuck you jw.

Maybe that's why period chose some memories to reminisce. But I think I couldn't go further. The last thing it could flash back was the last two weeks we were together.

Even my head wants me to firmly remember how such an ass he was. But it doesn't hurt anymore. It leads to another open door, which couldn't make me smile less. 😁😁

I'm craving alcohol.

Today I had a dream. It was a scene in inti, idk what event but all the clubs were having their own booths, selling stuff. I was just a passerby, looking at little keychains, cute stuff as usual. And I saw my ex. Much awkward. But in the dream I didn't walk away, he didn't see me. When he saw me, I woke up.

We were talking about him graduating. Thank god he's doing intern now so he'd be far away. Thank god he's in johor, so please fuck off, the further the better.
Can you believe I used to say how sad it is, he's leaving for intern. How sad it is he'd be going to johor, the lower end of the country. I wonder, when is his graduation? He told me before, I couldn't remember. It's prolly next year aug. And if that time I've gotten into Dean's or President's list, are we going to share the same hall? I don't know. It's gonna be that awkward like in the dream. Maybe if we do share a hall, once he sees me I'm running away. Or smtg like that.

Sometimes I wonder how he's been, is he really with someone. Good thing about cutting contact is we wanna know but we will never know. The urge can't do anything. If I was with him while I went clubbing without telling him, it would be complete disaster, much worse than the disaster I thought I'd have. I'm so lucky. recently I think, our secret can't stay hidden for long anymore. Somebody's talked to me about it, and the thing is I didn't deny. I didn't know how much he told him about it but I didn't even attempt to clarify myself. And now, this guy would prolly be the one revealing the secret.

Thanks or no thanks, I think it's not that important. We've done our part, I'll see your reaction. Haha.

I'm happy now. Even tho I know, I've been using things my ex gave me. Things like my fav fitgear jersey, my mouse, earphones, badminton racket. It's almost impossible that I get rid of them all. Things he gave are like essentials in my life. It's funny how he knew so well exactly about what I needed, physically. I think that doesn't matter much too. It's not like I think about him everytime I wear the jersey, or use the earphones.

Cuz whenever I think about my freedom I have right now, it gives me the biggest smile. 😁😁 I've done wrong on not telling about clubbing. You're right, I have no reason to hide because you never stopped me from doing anything, unlike my ex. You never stopped me, you only think of new solutions to compromise.