I have no one else..
I know it's my fault. I could've told arrogant, pineapple, lychee. I could've made them talk to me, hope they help me. But i know that they were never helpful. How can they help me? Even yip man. She can't help me too. She can help the smiles and laughes. But when I have trouble, I find you. I want to find you.

The only two people I look for was wood, and ET.

I always told him. I only have you. Did you know ? I barely contact anybody else. I don't even go hang out with anybody else. I lose chances to get new social circles, just because of you. Just to be with you. But can you imagine? People can be ignorant. You can give your entire heart to them, giving up on others, and they stab it, throw it back to you and let you slowly realize it. They wait for you to take it back. They wouldn't just give it back whole.

So what ? My bad. I didn't realize that I shouldn't trust my heart on you.

And when that happened, the only one in my mimd was ET. He helped me once, three years ago. He helped me twice. But that's all he can do, now. He's going to go, so far away.

I don't know what to do..
Can you tell me what to do?
He's like the only friend. That kind of friend that can give the type of company I need..

I don't have anyone, now. I don't have anyone anymore. I'm done. It's my fault because I gave my heart to wood. I stop socializing. I could've found more friends like ET. But I gave up on speaking.

I'm really really tired.

I said it like I'm not sad. like I'm releasing a burden. But I'm not happy at all. Why?

I said it like I'm having a clear view about what's happening. Like I'm doing the right thing for the best for us. But I can't get myself to smile. Smiling became a show. Why?

Why? Why is it so hard to go back to normal ? Honestly... Why is my appetite so small? Why do I look moody? Why do I scold people, ignore people, mute my phone ? Why am I so done with life ? Why do I hate life?

The thing is why do I have to be happy?

Yip man said, become goddess. Let him regret.
Crisp said, it's alright, he'd regret what he has done, he said, I regret too, for what I've done to my exes.
He's pretty funny. He talked to me then said. I think I'm saying the wrong things, sorry..

Lol.

I'm not that sad isn't it?

I'm fine. My heart doesn't hurt like it did last time. I think I'm numb. I think I was ready, this time.

I can't imagine how I looked at the pub.
With people I first met.
With Pan's girl.
With Loong, with ET.

I just know that I covered my face the entire night. I thought, I can cover it. Yes, they're not dumb. They won't talk about it, but. They would know.

I really don't want to break up, that day. But he ignored my text. The one text he could reply appropriately that would make us okay again. He could've made up something else. He could've made another empty promise about how, he would love me the way he should. But he didn't. I guess that's the part that hurts most. He didn't reply.

I'm so tired. Today I barely meet my family. They're downstairs, I'm upstairs. Hiding. Like how it used to be. But the difference is, I'm not completely broken to the point that I cry for hours in my bed. No. Not like that. Just sitting around, thinking what to do. Thinking I have to go do something but don't know what.

I'm so tired of laughing. In front of my parents, I think I blurted out too fucking many negative shits. They would start asking questions if I don't talk. But I talk, I talk about these kinds of things, which is so... Idk. Trying to pretend that everything is okay, but ruining it. Might as well I hide up here.

Why don't I smile outside with the squad? I miss him. I'm happy that he didn't get dengue. That definitely makes me smile. And then.. I think I can rest outside. Don't have to put up a show 24-7. It's too exhausting. I don't need to smile. What's so happy that requires smiles? What's so funny that I gotta laugh? I do laugh. Occasionally. Rarely. And after that, I rest.

It's alright, right?
You guys understand me. So.. I don't need to pretend. Let me be, I'll be better, eventually.

Sometimes, the voices are coming back. It's now saying: you asked for it. You made your choice, now, what right do you have to feel awful ?

To answer that.. do I have rights to feel awful ? I'm supposed to be happier from walking away. Isn't it ? Why did I break up with him? Something ET kept asking me.

I can't properly answer him. I can't answer it. Because... We have seriously serious communication problems and it's completely hopeless? Because whenever I try to talk to him he takes the worse assumption ending up giving awful replies ? Because there are misunderstandings that are necessarily inevitable? Because.. he doesn't love me anymore?

He doesn't love me anymore. That's all I can say. At least that's how I feel.

So to answer the voices. Do I have any right to feel awful? Yes. I do have. I chose to walk away, because I realized this ugly fact. Because. Just because.

Why did I broke up with him?
I drove all the way to scottgarden, passing by those foreign scary guys, scary streets just to get to him. Just to have a little bit of company from somebody I think cares for me as a little friend.
I think, there's not much you can guess.

It kills me to death doing that. Still, I did it.
What else could be the reason?

I find myself sitting around daydreaming for veey long periods. Idk what I'm thinking about. wood. ET. Yip man. Pineapple. I think they're all I have. The one easily reachable was ET. Still is ET.

It's hard to accept. He said he'd be leaving. Why?

I don't know. In among so many people, I've only cried in front of a few. Wood, which is completely gone forever. Moon. He's not the same anymore, used to be that close just because he had intentions towards me. But ET was different. We both know that we have no intentions. He knows that I trust him a lot. Like a lot.

I don't want him to leave.
Who else do I have ?

Today I went to badminton with them. Wood always said if I broke my right arm, our future children would ask why mommy doesn't carry them. However, now there's no such thing as future kids. Wood is gone. I can play badminton again. i can ruin my health because it's mine. Because it doesn't matter anymore. I can play badminton like my arm's not hurt.

Then.. ET kept whacking me with his towel. It actually really hurts. He said, smile, smile more. Smile for what ? It's tiring. My face are born this way. Not that I want to be born. Crisp said, I look off, completely moody. It's just resting bitch face. Why smile? He asked me what's wrong. I didn't really say anything. But he got it right himself. I'm definitely unhappy. Why do I have to be happy?

We ate at the corner copitiam. I can't get myself to speak. Idk why. Pan asked me if I want to add rice. I asked him if he would want to help finish my rice. He said, don't lie, I can finish. Yes I can. But it's really too much for me. I think my Appetite's really getting small again. Or maybe it's the alcohol from Friday. Maybe... Idk. Crisp said, look at Loong. Stare at him and it would make you feel better. Lol. How can I ?

I'm sorry pan. I didn't know what to say. But I find him searching for topics to have us talking. He's nice. Everyone's nice. ET said, the squad aren't dumb. They all could see what happened back there at alvisy(the pub). But they're nice enough to ask what actually happened. Thanks for not asking. I couldn't even tell ET what exactly happened.

I didn't tell anyone. Can you imagine?

I broke up with him.
Why ?
Just because.
Come on, what's the story?
There's no story.

We're just not meant to be.

I have never imagined myself coming back to blog.
I have never imagined going back to him, then breaking us up again.
He's sick. Suspect dengue again. It's highly possible because of where he lives.
But up to now I never said anything mind soothing to him.

I mean, it's necessary, right?
Why do you need to show concern when you get hurt from doing that?
Do you still show concern if all you can do is trigger any shitty thing?
If all of this shit happened because of your existence, you should just disappear then.

I did a wrong thing, tho. I maintained the streak.

I'm gonna break it soon.
But I kinda want him to think that I'm fucking fine rn.

I'm pretty sure he's not going to training tomorrow because he's sick.
Can he work ? I don't know, and it's none of my business.
It's none of my business.

I think it's kinda hard.
Trying to put up a show in front of the fam. But I'm doing it much better than three years ago. Much much better.

Just need to numb it. Forget it.

So I broke up with him. Finally free from the shits. We gotta think far man. I'm thinking far now.

I asked ET. Where are you?
He said, scottgarden. Come join us.
Alright. I said. I wonder why the boys like scottgarden so much. It creeps me out. Full of foreign workers sitting around, smoking. Starring.

I think if you compare, drive with tears in your eyes vs drunk driving.. drunk driving is much safer. And also, that makes driving the perfect activity if you wanna cry. Cuz you'd stop yourself just to get a clear view of the road, the cars.

Scottgarden was so far. I almost had a wrong turn. Then the parking there is complicated. I hate parking there. I simply parked a spot then looked for the entrance. See! I even had to look for the entrance. Terrible place.

The fountain is a damn good landmark. I can't recognize the pub, but I recognize these deco deco. When was the last time I drink? Yesterday.

It was loong's friend's bd. Another ck. And I also get to meet another one of his close buddy. They call him "Juan" lol. So similar to my name.

I don't know how much did I drink. It's a terrible night. We played games, a little bit. I think I had at least ten. Don't know. Maybe ten.

ET drove me back to his place. He offered a shoulder. He offered his left arm. But I didn't take it. He's really talkative. I hope I remember what he said. I don't remember.. fuck. I remember some, didn't remember some. Then I went in his house to pee, first time entering his place. Then I drove home. I think I'm good. It was many drinks, and still I'm this good. I can say, I wasn't drunk. Just sad.

I went back home and slept on the couch for a while. Then I woke up, my sister went up, leaving YouTube playing on the tv. I just sat there and watched the lyrics. Nice lyrics. Then went to throw up. Lol.

Today I had training. Replacement. It was fine. I didn't have a hangover. Just a little dizzy. But honestly I'm always dizzy ... So I'm not sure if that's because of that.

My Appetite's gone tho. Wood's helping me to lose weight again? Not this time. I'm gonna drink and die. I'm gonna drink a lot. I can't believe I took this amount of porridge and I can't finish. I feel like throwing up.

I realized I start with a fully relaxed poker face. Then when I meet people, I can smile. I told ken, fuck you. When I got there, I poked loong to say hi. Just him. Juan was jealous. He said why did I only greeted his buddy. Lol. I realized, I can smile when we play games. I can laugh. Everything normal. It's cool. I'm good.

I didn't recall the beer glass was that small. I finished them really quickly. It wasn't cold. I didn't recall tiger beer being less bitter. But yesterday, it wasn't that bitter. It was fine. It was good. I didn't recall peter being this tall. I stood next to him and immediately went looking for the tall chairs to sit on so I won't look this tiny. I'm 20 looking like a kiddo in thr pub. What the actual fuck.

I told people, it's fine being single. Single is damn good. You have no attachment. You're free to do anything you want. Just do it, and nobody has the right to blame you. Just throw up. Just kill someone. It's all fine, you know ? It's fine.

Stick to the old theory.

Nothing lasts forever. Promises are never real. There are no exceptions. Not even wood. What is love? For love you pay. You give and you don't expect to pay. You appreciate. But it doesn't go one way. If it goes one way, one person would get hurt. There's just no point anymore, isn't it. Love is a choice. You choose someone, you risk your life. Even if you can't stop loving, you gotta be brave enough to walk away. He's lost. He doesn't need to be loved. That's what. So it's a good thing I let him go.

I let him go.