.

5.52am.
I woke up for awhile, shit mode on. I wish I can stop thinking about the negative possibilities and go to sleep.

As if I've killed an innocent little girl and I'm feeling really really bad. No punishment was made. The punishment would be the guiltiness and full of regret that I'd be living with for the rest of my remaining life. She was completely innocent.

She wouldn't have died if she ran away.

I learn the hard way. Say no, because I'm the only one that'll be taking charge of my life forever, and no one stays. I wasn't so blinded. I knew it was bad. There's no way, running away from being a murderer. As long as you've killed once, it stays with you forever. It haunts you forever, as if I've killed my rights to be a person that deserves a peaceful life.

When they say, I accept your present,, do you believe them?

Honestly I really could disappear for such a long time, after exposing my shits. I gave two split seconds to show you. If the entire world knew, I would literally kill myself on spot. When you knew, I thought I might kill my existence in your life. I guess you didn't let me do that.

It's a lie if I never think of it. Now I'd look at you and wonder if you judge me everytime you look at me. Do I look like a murderer? It must be hard to believe? Maybe it was easy?

My chest burns. I remember that happened the most whenever wood and I had big bad arguments when I cry and soak all my pillows in bed. I wonder what's the biological explanation for it. Is it normal if you feel the physical pain when you're mentally breaking into pieces ?? Drama queen said she had it too. Yip man do you have it too? Facing all these shits alone like that.. it must be so so hard. So hard I didn't know how to make you feel better. I kept thinking, what was the words I needed when we broke up? Nothing. I needed time, a place that nobody could see me. Just to cry alone and hope everything finishes. After having one... I think you needed a shoulder. I wish everything positive goes back to you. I wish we all stop getting this stupid feeling, just for worthless stupid humans.

That's so much to think about in this hour. I wonder if we can actually die of exhaustion from thinking too much, or having too much of negativity. Or do we heal? They say the poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. But there's still some permanent damage. The innocent little one will never stop haunting me, I guess.