It's Chinese new year and I'm probably thinking too much. Sixteen years of CNY eve, I barely touched alcohol. The seventeenth, someone very special and I had a big fight just after I told him that I've drank a little. Then the following year onwards, since I had freedom, and full of depressed moments, duh. And gambling. It's like the first time we actually played with this much money. No kidding.
I'm feeling a little wild. It's like oh shopping for cny stuff? My whole family hasn't tried all those that I had during new year count down. I actually think we bought so little beer, how are those enough...? I used to not have those thoughts before I knew these two groups of people. It's nice to be wild, I guess. Even tho I feel a huge age gap whenever they speak dirty. But it's a good chance to have a different view in life. And knowing how much wine they needed for a small cny gathering, wow, just woww...... My family members aren't wild at all! I'm like a tiny munchkin kitten hanging out with a group of tigers. How exciting. But for gambling, my coursemates taught me more on that.
Dad: "where do you learn all these stuff"
Me: "In class."
Yes we learn to gamble in college. Awesome.
I remember being categorized as the little ones, since my oldest cousins are more than ten years older. They'd talk to the adults more. And now, wait, yes. Now they all seem away. The older we get, the fewer the people. One by one, they get married and leave. All that's left was a few of us, which made it so not fun. The adult talk was serious and scary. Honestly, was it like that too, years ago? It's the first time seeing a cousin cry. I might look blank but inside my head I was screaming "omgomgomgomg what do we do?" No we don't cry during cny. It's such a tough battle she had it for years! Since highschool? Means almost before I started highschool. The kind of talk I'd refill your glass for you. Yes you need a good cry. I hoped mom would stop. Look at how sad she was. Stop asking. Gah. Luckily that shit didn't last too long.
One may look shopaholic, wild and crazy at all times, but we never know that battle inside. When your life is about thinking how to feed yourself and your gambling father, how strong you had to be to be a shopaholic at the same time. They say, people who use that much money definitely have ways to earn them. Yeh. Looking at her night life snaps, definitely. That must be her way to destress. Suddenly, I'm relieved dad doesn't gamble, or expect me to feed him. Or... Pay all the bills and stuff. I'm relieved, I still have time to work hard and make sure I really can feed him, and the family. There's so much stress he didn't give me that I gave myself... Just so thankfully. I got to repay them. All of them. Them for being so supportive despite how a shitty failure I am. Sister for not scolding me for almost using up her tank. They're so good to me. Ugh and here I am. So useless.
Gambling is scary. You have no idea how much you lose. You get the stack of money you borrowed, then you throw them in the pile, piece by piece, and you lost count. At the end, you get back some too, but you wouldn't know if you didn't count.
Dad passed me a stack of one ringgits (RM100) to play with. I lost so much at blackjack, then won back at the other game. I honestly thought I've lost like about twenty overall, turned out I just lost two bucks. I was lucky. The three boys won a lot. Means still, someone got unlucky. It's scary how a small stack of one ringgits can be so much. It's scary how people are really having problems financially, just around me.
Life must've been hard for them, I can't believe I had bad times with my ex just because of a little bit of drinking. It was all on the phone. We had so much stupid fights on the phone. That stress he gave himself, that stress he gave to me. It was all because of overthinking. Wood has a great dad. That dad wouldn't just go crazy and push all the financial responsibility to his son. And I wouldn't go crazy and let him do all the work. For our sake, for their sake, why wouldn't you think about yourself a little more??? Idiot. I'm gonna say, hey, I'm glad we left each other. I'm glad you didn't use actions to prove that you'd treat me how you should. Stress can be passed on, overthinking too. You passed that stress to me, then overthinking habits. Being scared of everything just aren't the way we live. We'd live all our life without living if we're just too scared to get hurt. I hope he stops thinking about the future too much.
If you don't take care of your present, you're definitely gonna ruin all your plans, like how you just did. You lost someone who'd do anything for you like a crazy idiot piece of shit. Look, it's not worth it. What are you gonna do when you get all that fame and achievements? If you can't get with people, you'd die so much inside, and all the things you did go to waste. It's so unhealthy. At the end, ask yourself: are you happy?
Look how determined I was letting go of you. At the end, I think I could think about our memories and not get fucked up. I could look at your snaps without feeling sad or anything. But there's something that won't ever change. I'd still try to take care about your feelings. I know how much you're seeing. I know how disturbed you'd be seeing me giving someone else the attention I used to give you, so I do that without making it shine. Idk how long that little care would last.
Moon was really good to me. Sometimes I think about the reason I didn't make him leave. He knows everything. The ugliest parts of me. The stupidest part of me. And stays. Idk how long would that last tho, I wish it doesn't stop. Then I think about the reason I still didn't accept him: I'm too messed up.
But I'd like to confess that I do like you a lot. I just wish nothing changes after I say yes...
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