Wood

I had lots of things to write about. So many things, so little time. Sudden realization, happy things happen so fast, I never have much time to write them down. The kind of tiredness is different from the one you get when you're depressed. Bad things slow down the pace of life. I mean. I could be so busy all day, and when shits happened, I suddenly have the time to blog. Why?

I don't think we can be friends. Pineapple asked us out for badminton, so we went. We were both mildly nice to each other, but otherwise, just cold. His eyes are cold. His expression, they're all different from before. It stings a little.

Pineapple, do you feel the tension in it?
No I don't.
Moon, do you?
You're thinking too much.

It's not sixth senses. Maybe we were too close before, it's just wrong. The atmosphere. The overall mood. I couldn't serve to him well. He never looked me in the eyes. I tried, and I did. But all I saw was too pools of ice. Fucking cold.

I thought I couldn't predict his mind. Turned out I was right after all. I was told, people like you never left even after leaving. He looks cold, acts cold, but he wasn't like that.

You thought you could, but you couldn't.
Me too, wood. Didn't you see how desperately I want to make you leave my life?
How great would it be if you agreed with me, and leave? You'll be okay soon. After school starts, you'd be busy af, and you'd forget about me. Like how you used to.

My double helix represents how much I love my life without you. So stay gone. "Goodbye", not "see you". Hopefully I don't get to see you.

Do you know how hard it was for me, to let someone in, because of you? Did you know how much how much I wanted to fix us, did you know how painful it was every time, did you know how every fail felt like? Did you ever had that stabbing pain in your chest when you're just so so hopeless? Do you ever lay in the pitch black room hoping that you never existed to experience the pain you're facing? Did you ever get so tired of and kept wondering what you've done so wrong to deserve all those nights?

It fucking sucks! And I still miss you! I miss you like crazy, still. Every time I close my eyes. You show up. Your name shows up. You confuse me. You ignore me but you care. You say goodbye then say you want us to be friends.

If it affects you too then don't say anything. DON'T text me to say goodbye. You've already said it, you said it two years ago, and I received it last year. Don't even. It feels less terrible when we stay staring at each other coldly. So please, stay that way?