Nightmares

I'm such a crybaby.

4.30am I've done fb scrolling but nothing seem to understand me. Nightmares will be nightmares. Nightmares are the worries that haunt me every day and night, all appearing so realistically in my mind. The scariest type of imagination.

When you got over the worst thing that happened, then life starts to give you the next best thing in your life. Then you ruin it. What would happen when you ruined it?

It's always my fault. I tried so hard to stay on the safe side, then I ruin things. I destroy. I'm not capable of having this "best thing in my life" anymore. When I lost it the first time, I did all I could but nothing worked. When I avoided having the second one, I failed, then my mind created everything out of nothing, just to make my life miserable. It's so hard to just live normally.

What do I have to overcome rn? All these insecurities? And when I've done it, wouldn't it all be gone again?

If only I can believe in this. Believe that this best thing in my life would stay. But how am I supposed to believe things like that? Nothing stays! Nightmares sometimes do come true. It came true once, when wood left.

Who knows what would happen next?

I'm glad my sister's back so I could stay silent.
I'm just full of crap so frequently, I don't wanna make you worry. Cuz I know I can manage it myself. Sorry.

It was just a bad dream

It's almost 5am.
When you close your eyes, you see the worst case scenarios. When you open them, stare into the dark and you still see them in your head, which couldn't stop your stupid eyes tearing up and chest aching like there's a fucking blender knife spinning thingy inside.

Just because of worries! What the fuck.
It's because of all the concerns, I couldn't make it official. I kept you waiting and waiting, even tho I'm scared you might get exhausted and run away. I'm scared too, that you might change and start to take control of me when I started being crazier, and voluntarily blinded. It's scary knowing what I could do for you. It's scary how stupid I can be. I could literally kill myself if something goes wrong again. I know I'm screwed to be awake and worrying bout that thing.

One thing I know is whenever there's a struggle between the mind and the rational thinking, I have to pick the rational one. That's the one which should keep me alive. But who knows? ..... Rational thinking could eat up all hopes just to keep me safe. And that too, is killing me slowly.

What to do.