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I'm probably one of the meanest useless people in the world. Dumb, mean, evil, and negative as fuck.

If you ask me, spam fb or spam blog? I'd pick fb all the time. But when it doesn't work, when fb doesn't make shits less shittier, I'd go for blog. Why? Tbh blogging triples the crap. Especially when that frustration is hard to explain, I don't even write it here, I just blog, and at the end shits still bother me I would hope I'm ded.

Isn't it ironic, we love those that hurt us and hurt those who adore us. It is ironic. How awesome would it be if I've reached that level: not being able to feel. But maybe no matter how I push them away, someone woulf escape that zone and become someone special.

Having someone special is such a dangerous thing. When you start to care, you know you're screwed. You'd do so much shits for them. You'd have so many pointless breakdowns just because of worries and concerns and thoughts. Yeah, it's not such a bad thing. It IS a bad thing!
There ends up you in the middle of the night, thinking bout stuff you're not sure that's completely imagined by you or.... It's just nothing.

I think I'm harsh. I'm hard to be with now. I used to be a stupid soft mushy thing. He easily took control over me. But now, one thing's different. I insist being stubborn, being mean af just to make you run away. Idk why I'm doing this. I'm mean at times. Idk how to be that soft. Idk how to give you the care that you gave me. I'd say something hurtful unintentionally and try to fix your stabbed heart. I'd do something wrong and regret it, try to fix it but at the end, the conclusion is I'm not worth your effort. I'm like shit. I can't give you anything. I swear, your effort is fully appreciated, valued. But I don't think there's anything I can do for you. I only spread negativity. Why would you want me? Why would you want to still give that 100% effort?

I want to be good. I wanna be worth your time, but I'm like shit. I can't do this. It's almost 4am and all I could think is your tone change and I guess maybe, probably I said something wrong again. I guess it's no sleep today.

The initial plan was a lot. Friday I planned to reach college at around 7.30 just to avoid the security guards checking. I want to make sure I get the inside parking because of the little plan my friends were planning. A2 stress hit me hard. I literally got twice as hardworking as the start of the sem, I tried not to go to bed and study. Then shits happened.

When overthinking happens, it ruins plans. I knew that since wood broke up with me. I hate the love I gave. I hate the amount of care I gave, that I threw every busy shits aside just to be that sad. This is what happens when feelings exist. I wish I wouldn't do that anymore, but it's too late. You've entered my priority list like that, so unexpectedly. And now there's no turning back. I'm not blaming you for ruining my plans. It's me. I'm just terrible. I can never live with so many priorities. I can never prioritize studies more than people I care about, which is a very terrible thing if it's single sided.

What is my frustration? I don't know! I think you're so dumb to choose me. I think I'm such a terrible person who'd only give you loads of negativity. I think I'd unintentionally hurt you again and again and try to fix it. I don't wanna do that, but how? Can you tell me how? I suck! That's unchangeable. How????

This Friday and Saturday is gonna be so tiring. The initial plan was try to use all this time vrry wisely, study whenever I can and rest as much as possible. But I guess I've skipped a night sleep. Good thing I did fell asleep a couple times while studying. Is that enough? No idea. It doesn't matter anyway. I need to settle this shit first. Wait, is there anything I can settle? No, too. Like treating you right. Am I treating you right? I don't think so. Ok. Fuck my life.

Maybe I should give myself a limited time. It's the only way, right? Two weeks? Is that enough? I need to change. Two weeks, and I need to stop spreading the negativity, stop unintentionally hurting you. If my stupid personality can't change, maybe I should do something, something like staying away from you. You gotta understand. Your life should be so awesome, so awesome without my existence, or maybe my existence as a badminton friend only. Don't you agree? I hate myself so much I feel bad for you if I finally say yes to you. I feel like I'm such a burden, a stupid shit human who deserves to rot in hell and stop being loved. I feel bad for you because I know how terrible I am. I know I'm not worth anything. I'm not worth your youth, your time and effort. I'm just so so so sorry that it's too late cuz we're already fucking close. I should've pushed you away at the beginning. I'm so sorry I didn't. I'm so sorry for being this way. I'm sorry for appearing. I hate myself for being like this but I can't help it. Maybe I'm going mad. I should just isolate myself and stop giving the illusion to people that I'm a normal person.

What do I do now? Feeling so fucked up. Why? It's been a long time wood left me, and it's hurting lesser as time passes. Thankful that he finally grants me by stop staying in contact.

Life has been great. Everyone's so good to me. Why am I like this? Honestly, why?

I'm so tired of myself I wish I never existed to feel all this. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I just couldn't get along with anyone. What fuck is wrong with me? Stop, stop crying over nothing. Stop getting depressed for no reason. I have so many reasons to just look at the bright side but what am I doing