.

People say, morning and goodnight texts are the best, because that proves you're thinking about them before or after you sleep. We don't have that anymore, but I think of him, more than that. I woke up with a short flashback of us after one fight. He hugged me tight. That was after his melaka trip. We stayed hugging for a long time. He was soft.

Fucking playback in my head could cause a sentimental morning.

Can't sleep.
Why, emo?
How you know
Because I'm always emo at night.
Well I've never seen you emo
No one has seen

People see me pissed, angry, crazy and happy as hell. But that's the only way to mask sadness right?

You laugh to tears, you get mad and no one wants to look at your face. I rather get blamed by my whole family for being short tempered, than them blaming him for me being... different like this. I rather they say, shits behind my back instead of telling me useless stuff that won't even help.

Telling me to let go won't help, telling me there are many more out there doesn't help. Keeping their mouths shut helps. I'm not saying I have no one to tell, not saying no one cares about me. I know there are people who does. But I don't need that kind of care. I don't need them looking at me feeling unable to help. Drama queen was like that at that time. She just makes me wanna break down even more. There are loads of shits in my head, and being stared like that only make shits worse.

Cuz I need a release. I need to punch. I need a real punch bag, not a wall. Since NO one would be helpful with my shits. Orange said she feels better telling stuff bout her crush to her highschool squad. We're very different. I feel like I do have friends, but I no longer tell these personal shitty terrible feelings to them anymore. Keeping shits in, I think one day, I might explode. Maybe die of tiredness. But that's not on anyone's fault.
I need a day off to just cry.

I have weird news. I want a chance to release some shits. I wanna punch properly without hurting myself, but effectively making myself feel mentally & physically better. I need a punchbag, or... whatever hard that can survive unfriendly fist bumps. Seriously. When I get older, maybe when I get to financially survive better, I'm going to sign myself up. 

First I have to drive well without being scared. Goals are away from me, and I needa get myself there on my own first. #$% fml, I need to get to the top for studies.