It still bothers me a lot. Tbh. A lot. They enjoy it isn't it ? Leaving some extreme after effects behind. They enjoy seeing you suffer. They enjoy it whenever they know, you can't move on. It makes them feel superior, like they're unforgettable. But that's not the case, that's not.

ET disgusts me. No matter how his friends love him, he disgusts me. Maybe cinnamon loves him. Cinnamon suits him. She has her own little issues, things that made her her. Still, he disgusts me. Behind all that sweet appearance, I think... They're definitely fucked up at some point. I wonder who can be with ET without being manipulated. I think it's funny, he manipulated me into thinking that he's such an important friend. Maybe he was. But as a partner in life, he sucked as fuck. He can be the worst.

That couldn't affect me. I've made a clean cut. Let's please exclude the part I went with his squad. As long as he's not there, it's fine I think. He disgusts me, but his friends don't. Haih.

Badminton ?

If you ask me, what can make my heart race... I thought I would answer, probably danger, or surgeries.

Now I know.

Badminton later? From doctor.

I admit, I was overly sentimental about losing the squad, even tho it happened long ago. I was just slow. I remember crying over it. I remember dreaming possibilities of getting back closer. I remember reminiscing until my entire day was always pretty fucked. It breaks me.

I haven't seen any of them ever since I made the decision to shoo ET away. I never talked to any of them, except wishing loong happy birthday for the very last time. And of course doctor. I contacted him for other private businesses. And today this message popped up.

I swear, I was shook. My heart. Haha. I'm so happy idk what to say. I miss them. I really do. Doc was damn helpful.

I can't wait..

I realized I really like people who wouldn't ask. Since I think expressing is dangerous. Recently I shooed arrogant. I was pretty mean. Told him to either stop asking, or expect a brief ass irrelevant story. And when they don't ask, they ask other things that makes you feel like they aren't just interested in judging you. They just wanna know whether you're fine or not. Just that. That is enough.

Arrogant sensed it. He stopped asking, which I'm thankful. Haha.

I wonder what happens if I stop telling people about shits happening. Everyone would think, I'm the girl with a resting bitch sleepy face, always wearing comfy to class. A person without stories, isn't it scary? One day, no one would actually know me. Is that how my life is supposed to progress? I used to think, as we grow, we should be more open. I'm doing it the other way round. I'm completely opposing how ET advised me to. He scares me, then and now, still.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I used to really agree with that sentence. But today I came across this, my response was a little different.
When shits happen, I believe that they kill parts of us, we just don't die.
Are you okay?

Do I sound not okay with the way I responded? I believe I sound super okay all the time. At least, that's how I'm supposed to act, isn't it. I've been craving beer again. Back to my little bad habit. I wanna drink my ass off. I wanna drink until I die. I know I'm not gonna say anything. Maybe I'll break down and embarrass myself, but not throw up or talk. I'm not gonna talk anymore. I have a new goal. Phase one when being tipsy, don't talk. Never talk.

I noticed my super frequent sighs in front of whoever. Even strangers, cuz I definitely felt comfortable to be myself in front of strangers. I don't even know what are they for. Usually when I'm alone, I gotta think about something isn't it? I think recently I've been mentioning loong. That's because I had a dream with him in it today. I don't remember what dream but he was there. We talked. Probably.. I missed him.

I missed many people, tbh. I missed my ex. I missed the entire Loong squad, to the point he starts showing in my fb feed. Tbh everyone shows up in my head whenever I'm alone. Even pineapple, yip man, arrogant. Anyone. Zien. Haah. That's probably because I'm alone 99% of the time. I didn't even tell the Ipoh girls about where I went. These days, I realized... There were times we were super quiet. I was usually the one initiating conversations. But this recently, it's just tiring. Is that supposed to be normal? One day you just stop being friendly? Or what shit.

It's over! Finally.

You know, the feeling of finishing your chemotherapy course then waiting for reports to know whether you're actually conpletely cancer free.
Just that... You won't actually find out if it's cancer. You find out two years later when the tumour grows and spreads again.

I'm so so happy. Even tho it doesn't completely feel like it. It's okay I guess. Takes time for recovery. And when that time is over, there shouldn't be anything triggering.

Lab is shit. It was fun, the experiments and stuff. I just hate that we come across these topics all the time. Immunology, genetics, all.

..

I'm supposed to be asleep. 1.03, I have about five and a half more hours to sleep. Whatever.

I have a contant struggle about whether it's right to cut off contact with anything related to ET. I wanna do that. But his friends done no wrong. I'd think of each of their faces. I believe Loong didn't mean to ignore me. He's a sweet person. People don't change that easily, that fast, it's not like I've betrayed him or smtg. He was just unwell, I guess. Doctor, another best from the group. I remember he took care of me when all I wanted to do was just sit there and do nothing. He made me eat, at mokata. I remember there was once, four of us went for supper. Me, loong, doctor and pineapple. There at malabar cafe. Pineapple asked a funny question that doesn't seem funny at all because of recent shit stuff. It's not funny if that was the case. It's completely fucked up. Doc didn't want to expose me. Like always, he never did exposed me. He gives the stares, and if I decided to tell stories, he'd admit that he knew about it, or had the right guesses. I'm honestly truly thankful to him. He ignores crazy much more than loong but that's no hard feelings. Doctors will be busy. I don't wanna cut off contact with that guy. I don't wanna remove him from the feeds.

But just because of what they had been to me, it's even harder, it's like.. I should, because they're the ones who'd remind me the most, when their names pop out. I don't wanna be reminded. Case half closed, I probably need about a month. A month to let things get back to normal. It's not that easy.

I wish I've never decided to be with ET. That's the worst decision I've ever made. He's fucked up. His words are wise because, how else could he live with such a fucked up head? He has to be wise. Get over how ass he is, to be able to live. It makes the most sense now. It's fine to be friends with a wise fucked up guy, but not fine to be with this kind of guy. It makes huge difference. It's like moon. I think he's pretty fucked up too. But as a friend, he's the most supportive one. ET used to be like that, but I ruined it. I remember he said, if my ex dare to lay his hands on me, he and the rest will never let him go. I remember he insisted to send me home even tho I wasn't drunk and I could actually drive, needing loong to pick him up afterwards. I remember loong giving me hugs that lasted for like... Half a minute because I was really down, and pats on the back with consoling words.

They aren't the best people. But they gave memories that mean something. We weren't the closest, but close enough to mean a lot. I know I lost them long ago. And now it's midnight and I'm fucking sentimental over losing them. What fuck. Why??? I have the photos, remember?

My ex might have gotten into another girl before we broke. It's fine because of the memories. ET might have been playing with me because I was an easy prey. It's not fine due to the consequences. Due to the shits he caused recently. But he did brought me memories, when he was my friend. When loong, and doctor was my friend. Idk what loong knows and what he doesn't. Idk what impression he has towards me already. But doctor, I can assure. We're good.

So even if anything, I'm not gonna remove them. Please yh don't do anything stupid. I'd remove ET. That would be good enough.

I'm so sick of life, sick of my eyes, sick of light, sick of being sick. Honestly I can't do anything. My eyes aren't working right. I had to squint to blog. I can't watch movies without being completely miserable. I can't do notes without wanting to wear sunglasses. I can't even scroll fb as much as I like just because I'm a complete fuck up. I can't see. I can't sleep. I can't feel normal. My head's about to burst. The weather is fucking hot. Nobody understands. Wait, I mean, people are shit, and I'm around people.

Three lab classes, and I'm going to take two of them away from Ipoh girls. I thought I was already alone because they're always in a pair, I fit nowhere. But now, with separate classes, can you believe it. I'm in a class, with six people. Four girls in my sem tabled up together. Of course I'm the odd one out, I've always been solo. So I end up being lab mates with two boys. Wow. Something I really hate. Okay, I've been lab partners with thick coat before. He's a fine lab mate I guess. But who knows. And another guy? I don't even know who tf he is. Probably a shit guy. Duh, which guy aren't shit? No such person. Maybe lee minho. Ok sorry.

I'm so tired. I wanna go back to normal. The normal life. How the hell??? My health condition aren't normal yet, definitely. My arm's normal, I don't care about that injure. But my head's not normal too. Fuck life. I've been super sensitive. This wasn't me. I'm watching cute movies wanting to cry. I've been in class wanting to die. I'm always at places but wanting to escape. The only times I can chill, is in the car when someone's fetching me, with a long long distance so I can rest. The only fucking time. What exactly is wrong with me? I can't even bear with driving. My eyes hurt. I think I can cause accidents. I might run into poles any time.

My coach thinks I lie about not drinking because I looked awful each week. I really wasn't drinking. I need to jump off a building that's all. Idk what's in my head. I need to get them all out. Look at my pointless spams. I can't remember any main point. because there is no main point! I wanna end it all, just that Idk what it is I wanna end. I just wanna kill every person but Idk who to start. Maybe I need a good cry to fix my eyes, then... Plot a purge. Idk.

What if I just leave. I'll go somewhere I can work on my career, fully. So I can never be distracted anymore.

Sometimes I think I need a good talk with someone. Then again, the voices said its a bad idea. I know the consequences of ignoring the voices. I can't afford those mistakes anymore. But , it's so hard, you know? Sometimes I think it's good that Ipoh girls are pretty much away all the time, so that I have a forced resistance on trying to talk shits out of me. This semester having so many other peeps in different classes, it's not hard to look sane. I mean. They don't even know me. Nobody knows everyone. So it doesn't matter. Everyone's scattered.

I'm not supposed to be like that.

I know, the shit's been settled. But I can't stop thinking. Everyday life, every lecturer used those words which sounded totally normal to other students. But I feel like they're like... Life, indirectly trying to trigger me. Telling me how awful it is to have been done what's been done. It's like life trying to remind me the ugliest facts, over and over again. I don't wanna listen. But they will appear in any feed, news, lectures, conversations. What's it trying to do?

So am I supposed to remove every single person from the squad, off my social media? Remove them so at least their names won't appear. So at least, those can't remind me. Even if other things can, removing them is a start.

It's been five days. It's a troubling thought. It's disturbing. It's killing.

I'm thankful I didn't tell my family since I managed it fine. I'm grateful I didn't tell any of my food friends, highschool closest besties, ipoh girls, I'm lucky no one knows, so at least it's one less thing to be worried of. Who knows what would happen. Stories can spread. True stories, false stories. People are people. And people are shit. It's the sad truth. There's no one you can trust.

I've been scared to drink. Drinking makes me brave. So brave I start to talk about what's going on in my head. And recently, things going on in my head has to be kept secret forever, but I'm pretty sure I have much higher alertness ever since the nicsman case. Well I threw up in the fucking bar. No matter how crazy life gets, I know, I already stopped drinking wildly. I drink so little recently. So little, I think I forgot how kronenbourg tastes like.

You started drinking after knowing him?
Yeah. I regret.

I forgot when's the last time I say, I regret. Probably the first break up, I thought I regretted saying certain words to my ex. To think of it, these two seem like pretty similar case, exclude the fact about how crazy serious one case was to another.

I was young dumb. I've said things like it was so serious but it actually wasn't. I regretted and had suicidal thoughts. I felt pretty damn alone because I thought I was super annoying when I tried to talk about it, with yip man.

For this case, I was dumb. It was actually damn fucking serious. I regret. I kept everything to myself, which has it's pros and cons. I chose to go tru shits alone, whay else can I say? I'm pretty sure I can tell yip man. But I don't think I can. I felt so annoyed thinking about the entire incident. How to even talk about it? Please just kill me. If one day I got drunk and said it all, I'm gonna be dead by the next day. I will do that.
Unless, one day I think of it, and I feel nothing.

Will that day ever come ?

Every shit phrase exists for a reason. Sorry means nothing. Sorry doesn't fix anything. If you were irresponsible for just ten minutes as a fucking photographer, you miss our performances of little boys who just got their first performing experience. You're the idiot drunk driving and you're the one ruining newly married couples' future. You were an asshole and you'd ruin faith in a girl just because you were her first. One fucking irresponsible sentence, I can control, and you cause people to get an abortion. You think you can be responsible for half of what it costs? You will never really know how much it costed.

Sorry I'm confusing things. I'm mixing up what's happened to me and to miserable peeps from the news. What's with me. Curryan high fived with me, saying heard you just broke up.

Doesn't feel like I just broke up. Maybe we were together for such a short period it doesn't even feel like we were together. Such disgusting memory. She said, you look natural and unrestrained. Yes I am. I have no words for it. I probably died a little. Pls, not because of the break up. I never shed any tear from breaking up with that douche. Ew pls don't remind me.

It's really uncomfortable when they remind me. Recently when I went out with college mates, that happened too. They have no idea how much hatred I have towards guys rn. I mean. I can talk shit and stuff with guys, it's comfortable. But without all the shit imaginations. I think I'm so done. It's a good thing I'm getting more and more isolated from people. As far as I know, guys will have dirty thoughts. They confess without any reason, then get you into trouble. They like to play games. I think it's time we payback.

Maybe girls who play hearts have this kind of mindset. If guys just want to fuck, why should girls put any heart into yhese kinds of nonsense? Guys like games. Girls, let's play.

Voices

The voices are coming back this recently. All I have to do it close my eyes and listen.  It was really loud in my head. Joy and sadness must be arguing again. Maybe not that. Joy and fear are lost in long term memory. Sadness, disgust and anger are arguing in my head.

Hilarious.

Don't say, fuck off, voices. They are meant to help. I don't need joy. I need disgust. If everything disgusts me, I'm fine with that for the rest of my life. Super fine.

It was all your fault.

My guts telling me stop blaming others for what happened.

Sometimes I really wanna spam all out. Sometimes, I think, if my shits aren't settled, how am I supposed to live the following days. Can I just run away from home for three years? Can I just move to Aussie for DSAUI? Can I just change my course? I wanna get away from here. I hate everything that's happened. Idk if it's really settled. I hope it is, but what if it's not ?

Even if it's settled, it doesn't mean my life can get back to normal. What the fuck is normal? Am I supposed to convince myself that what happened was no big deal? How, exactly? It was a fucking big deal. I rather never get over this, and hide somewhere isolated forever. Never get near males. Never ever fucking think they might have any good in their heart, cuz no. It's not possible. They're born shits and they'll always be shits.

Why do they even exist? I need to invent smtg to kill all males. As a future biotechnologist, I have the power to do that. Who cares about ethics. If they don't even care about us, why should we care about them? Maybe I should invent some virus to kill humans. If there are no ladies, there are No offsprings. Fuck humans. We all are parasites. We should all die.

I've been through the worst shits in my life recently, for the past few weeks. I was having about three weeks plus sem break. But other that the one small cameron family trip, I never really went out. Due to the shits. I usually would make my life super content. My holidays, I was mainly in bed. I was treating everyone like shit. Close friends, even. Family. I didn't want to go out at all. I was supposed to date yip man so determinedly as I always did. But I just let it go when it was cancelled. Once. I said no to badminton, again and again. I rejected people I don't even know why. I lost interest, suddenly. I was determined to dig a hole and put myself in there forever.

What happened? That's gonna be my lifetime secret cuz it's not a nice story. I honestly really think my life is worse than drama.

But thank god everything is settled now. I think I'm back to normal. I'm so normal. Haha. And it's really surprising to get some help from some unexpected people. Some people that I thought would be gone forever in my life. They cared. Even for just awhile, that happened.

I'm having numerous realizations.

I've made mistakes that made me pay greatly. I hate myself for that. So much. So much I really hoped I die in each and every sleep or nap. I hoped I shut my eyes and just forget how to wake. Something that stopped happened from three years ago.

I rather stay idiot. I rather be super crazy unable to move on from my first love. I rather be dumb for that guy, what harm can he do to me anyway? He was an ass back then. All he could do was be mean, and at least, that would keep me away from any other people. Alcoholics.

But everything happens for a reason.
Lets hope shits don't happen anymore. Getting drunk is the most dangerous thing in life. You get drunk, you talk. You expose yourself to crazy threat. You think you found someone wise to talk to. That was all bullshit. Manipulators know how to do their thing. Don't fall for it. Never get drunk.

We must stay sane.

Dreams, dreams, nightmares show it all.

People do ask me questions, but I never seem to answer them properly. Why did you broke with him? Did you actually move on? Are you over it? Etc.

God knows. I don't know. Haha.

Had a dream where I was in a huge ass library with yip man and new fish. We were at a super high floor. Idk what shit library was that but there were many many floors. He popped up with his new girl. My first reaction was to leave, obviously. So I actually threw yip man and newfish behind, and just went off super quick, walking down any floors, then settle down somewhere, alone.

I was enjoying company of my own. And I saw him again with his new girl. This time, I thought it was tiring. I walked towards her and said, I'm actually very surprised you two are still together, trust me, that won't last. She gave the most annoyed face ever, while he dragged me away, and asked me why wouldn't I talk properly to her.

And there I was dead pissed. My mind was all the annoying couple photos he put up on insta. I replied, how could you expect me to talk properly when you can't even talk properly? If you chose to talk properly, did you think we still would've been apart?

I dive my torturing nails into his skin. I was mean enough to hurt him. I was dead pissed. If I'm not mistaken I even had angry tears in that stupid dream.
And he didn't even fight back or anything. Just seemed like he wanted to put off my fire, but he can't. He can never. He had the guilty eyes, like he was fakely longing for a chance to gain back an old friend.

What was that all about? Super disgusting. I had two dreams about library. It was the weirdest ever tbh. Two library dreams in one same sleep. That was the second one anyway. The first one, I went to yuk chai's library. It was so much childhood memory lol. And I actually saw people from my batch, stealing books. Lmao. They saw me and were like omg it's yh. She's a librarian don't let her catch us. Lol.

Ok life is weird. Pls stop having dreams. Truth will be truth. I might not have to answer people properly. Eventually, the answers appear in our dreams. Fuck life.

Sometimes I sit there thinking why did I get myself almost in this kind of trouble. Why am I still dumb enough to trust unworthy people, by using the stupidest ways.

My life aren't that great. I lost the party animal group, and I'm left unmotivated. Idk what to do. I don't wanna work out. I don't even badminton that much. I reject, reject and reject. I say, I'm tired. I say, my arm isn't fit to. I stay home and rot instead. Definitely rotting. Tried to force myself into doing something different. It didn't happen at all.

All this time. Idk what I'm doing. Literally waiting my time to end. When will I really die? I've been looking forward. What is life. Life is the journey to death, that's all isn't it.

Holiday is poison.

My coach is pretty damn wise.

Today, stared, bear™ and I went with coach to help him for an event. I was pretty damn tired on the entire process. Probably should sleep more and stop being nocturnal.

At the end of the event, we went to eat lunch, twice. Crazy. Coach even went to bring along his one friend. Lucky we got a bigger table. So from there, he told his friends that I'm super well behaved. HAHAA. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of. I think if he knows my true colours he'd be pissed. I'm violent, revengeful sometimes, and have super extreme shit attitude. But of course during training or events, I'm the student, crew, and I follow his ways with much order. Gosh, I'm sorry coach.

He gave an analyze about us. Stared's seem to be constantly daydreaming, bear™ aren't solid, while I speak blurly. HAHA. He's right tho. I usually never tell good stories. My sis gets tired of half of my stories. But recently I'm better at that, probably because these people pissed me off greatly that I clearly know what I'm scolding them about. Another analyze, he said I have some smart thinking, while stared uses full force. HAHA. Even funnier. But I think most girls need and will have that kind of thinking, since we're smaller, less stronger. To be independent is to think smart, and we will achieve all the impossible shits alone. How cool is that. Boys don't have brains. They can be strong without brains. So they use the most dangerous methods and finish the job, which is mad. Uhh.

The klang uncle seems to be a science person. Once he knew about me studying biotech, he started talking bout the career opportunities abroad. Haha. Nice uncle.

"Weak" is not the word you can use, alex. Since you're one of the worst disgrace in mankind, I'm not gonna censor your name. Why did I even nicknamed my exes zzz. Sometimes I feel like unfollowing this particular badminton group. But seems like this is the second last only one active. But it has such unhealthy people. Botak, june, alex. Salty fish got cheated by you bunch of people. The people who clubs, drinks, parties. These kind of stuff is starting to disgust me. Weak. Yes my arm is weak, are you willing to give me money so I can fix my arm? Sundays are like days I'm impossible to play. He was right, even tho now I hate him. I can't play double session, I can't even play consecutively for days. I can't lift my arm because of that. Hah. Weak? Look in the damn mirror, you hit so far for what? What are you trying to achieve in life? You can't even be a responsible husband, now clinging with salty fish, you can't even be a responsible bf to her, you can't even be a responsible dad to your child cuz you fucking sell cigar. Look who's weak. Do you think it's fun clubbing everyday? Let's see who's gonna be weak on their forties. Still young, eh? Drink. One day, your blackout lasts forever, you wouldn't be able to remember anything. Let's not even talk about the ability to badminton. The ability to comment how weak people are just because you definitely know their lives.

I admit I'm having extreme shitty temper recently. Anyone can offend me and get my shits. Moon, alex, ET. Anyone. A friend can do one wrong move, I blacklist you forever as being a shitkind. This I'm not talking bout moon la. A senior, Zien. Just anyone. Even my aunt. Recently I started back using earphones to save her from getting killed by me. Just cuz she's a fucking fucktard and I definitely should block her existence by using such easy method. Maybe I'm dying. What is this temper.

Life's pretty shitty, anyway.

Sometimes I look back. I rediscover songs that had been introduced to me, earlier. I think about the stuff shandy told me.

Back then when his intern was at Sg Buloh, he told me he was going to Johor next. So during that time, we'd be in LDR. And guess what, I had no fear about LDR. I knew I have some shit good adaptive talents. If I could stand forcing myself NOT to text him and try staying friends anymore for an entire year, what's the big deal about few months of him being away? No big deal.

Shandy and I had a two hour talk at mosquito mamak. It was just a catch up sess. I had exams two days after but that was fine. I asked about his new girl. Saw the photos, saw a bit of social updates. I thought, mm, nice. She's not the super pretty goddess type. Must have some inner goods. Sorry, I wasn't gonna ask further, so judging the looks was seriously just a usual thing to me lol. The main point, she's a girl from his intern. Studies in KL but hometown was way further, Penang ? I forgot. Shandy said, he's done with Johor intern, and back then, he still comes to KL each weekend to meet her. Hah. Trust me. This asshole is the most cheapskate cheapskate I've ever seen. One day he'd bring up the topic about how expensive his love costed to her. LDR? They can't last. But honestly, no one's gonna last with him since he has mental problem.

Shits went wrong all the time with me, eh?  Maybe I'm really meant to be by my own.

Couple days ago I've texted Loong on his birthday. The day after, ET bothered me with his shits. I know what ET can do. He makes all his friends think I'm the slut, having issues then just leave, blame him. Nothing can be done there. If he wants to do that, whatever.

I've dated a cool senior.
I've dated a best friend who helped me get over cool senior.

They all then went wrong. They then became the living nightmares. How tho?

I'm adaptive. Years back if shits happened, I used to sit there, daydream for hours, which lasts for days. Now, what do I do? My way, was always badminton. Is still badminton. But I know, this won't last anymore. It worked. From badminton, I'm still an adapter. But my arm is not helping. It's weak to be lifted, let alone lifting and hitting.

I'm adaptive, when sad people talk to me about their sad stories, I give the most negative advices. Negative+ negative= positive. If you have shitty situations, then you use the most heartless methods, they can't hurt you at all, you know??? The point is, you live! You live from that shit, you don't look vulnerable in front of them. You pretend you're fine and you'll eventually be fine. Nothing lasts forever.

I'm adaptive, doesn't mean it's not there anyway. You know, you pretend at the beginning. When do you know you finally went into the state that you're pretending??? You never know, tbh. Isn't it? Maybe when you look through the photos, you'd know. But who would take a suicide risk like that?? Another way would be the songs. Sometimes you go through shits, you put one song on repetitively. The other day when you listen it again, you'd picture the entire situation.

Sometimes I really envy Leo peeps cuz they're heartless, because they never needed efforts to forget. Sometimes your talent is your weakness. My sister thinks I have godlike memory cuz I remember the little things that she randomly said. While she couldn't remember important stuff No matter how hard she tries. Is this good?

When they smile through literally everything, doesn't mean they have a life without any situations.

Recently I've started drinking less. Super less, even tho I still drink. Cuz I find it really dangerous. Something I learnt from ET incident. Yes I gained a best friend from there, but I also embarrassingly been with such an ass. Drinking is dangerous, singk is also dangerous, unless you choose the safe side, not to sing those triggering shit songs. Those with memories.

Cuz when you sing the words, they speak for you. How convenient.