I know, the shit's been settled. But I can't stop thinking. Everyday life, every lecturer used those words which sounded totally normal to other students. But I feel like they're like... Life, indirectly trying to trigger me. Telling me how awful it is to have been done what's been done. It's like life trying to remind me the ugliest facts, over and over again. I don't wanna listen. But they will appear in any feed, news, lectures, conversations. What's it trying to do?

So am I supposed to remove every single person from the squad, off my social media? Remove them so at least their names won't appear. So at least, those can't remind me. Even if other things can, removing them is a start.

It's been five days. It's a troubling thought. It's disturbing. It's killing.

I'm thankful I didn't tell my family since I managed it fine. I'm grateful I didn't tell any of my food friends, highschool closest besties, ipoh girls, I'm lucky no one knows, so at least it's one less thing to be worried of. Who knows what would happen. Stories can spread. True stories, false stories. People are people. And people are shit. It's the sad truth. There's no one you can trust.

I've been scared to drink. Drinking makes me brave. So brave I start to talk about what's going on in my head. And recently, things going on in my head has to be kept secret forever, but I'm pretty sure I have much higher alertness ever since the nicsman case. Well I threw up in the fucking bar. No matter how crazy life gets, I know, I already stopped drinking wildly. I drink so little recently. So little, I think I forgot how kronenbourg tastes like.

You started drinking after knowing him?
Yeah. I regret.

I forgot when's the last time I say, I regret. Probably the first break up, I thought I regretted saying certain words to my ex. To think of it, these two seem like pretty similar case, exclude the fact about how crazy serious one case was to another.

I was young dumb. I've said things like it was so serious but it actually wasn't. I regretted and had suicidal thoughts. I felt pretty damn alone because I thought I was super annoying when I tried to talk about it, with yip man.

For this case, I was dumb. It was actually damn fucking serious. I regret. I kept everything to myself, which has it's pros and cons. I chose to go tru shits alone, whay else can I say? I'm pretty sure I can tell yip man. But I don't think I can. I felt so annoyed thinking about the entire incident. How to even talk about it? Please just kill me. If one day I got drunk and said it all, I'm gonna be dead by the next day. I will do that.
Unless, one day I think of it, and I feel nothing.

Will that day ever come ?