..

I'm supposed to be asleep. 1.03, I have about five and a half more hours to sleep. Whatever.

I have a contant struggle about whether it's right to cut off contact with anything related to ET. I wanna do that. But his friends done no wrong. I'd think of each of their faces. I believe Loong didn't mean to ignore me. He's a sweet person. People don't change that easily, that fast, it's not like I've betrayed him or smtg. He was just unwell, I guess. Doctor, another best from the group. I remember he took care of me when all I wanted to do was just sit there and do nothing. He made me eat, at mokata. I remember there was once, four of us went for supper. Me, loong, doctor and pineapple. There at malabar cafe. Pineapple asked a funny question that doesn't seem funny at all because of recent shit stuff. It's not funny if that was the case. It's completely fucked up. Doc didn't want to expose me. Like always, he never did exposed me. He gives the stares, and if I decided to tell stories, he'd admit that he knew about it, or had the right guesses. I'm honestly truly thankful to him. He ignores crazy much more than loong but that's no hard feelings. Doctors will be busy. I don't wanna cut off contact with that guy. I don't wanna remove him from the feeds.

But just because of what they had been to me, it's even harder, it's like.. I should, because they're the ones who'd remind me the most, when their names pop out. I don't wanna be reminded. Case half closed, I probably need about a month. A month to let things get back to normal. It's not that easy.

I wish I've never decided to be with ET. That's the worst decision I've ever made. He's fucked up. His words are wise because, how else could he live with such a fucked up head? He has to be wise. Get over how ass he is, to be able to live. It makes the most sense now. It's fine to be friends with a wise fucked up guy, but not fine to be with this kind of guy. It makes huge difference. It's like moon. I think he's pretty fucked up too. But as a friend, he's the most supportive one. ET used to be like that, but I ruined it. I remember he said, if my ex dare to lay his hands on me, he and the rest will never let him go. I remember he insisted to send me home even tho I wasn't drunk and I could actually drive, needing loong to pick him up afterwards. I remember loong giving me hugs that lasted for like... Half a minute because I was really down, and pats on the back with consoling words.

They aren't the best people. But they gave memories that mean something. We weren't the closest, but close enough to mean a lot. I know I lost them long ago. And now it's midnight and I'm fucking sentimental over losing them. What fuck. Why??? I have the photos, remember?

My ex might have gotten into another girl before we broke. It's fine because of the memories. ET might have been playing with me because I was an easy prey. It's not fine due to the consequences. Due to the shits he caused recently. But he did brought me memories, when he was my friend. When loong, and doctor was my friend. Idk what loong knows and what he doesn't. Idk what impression he has towards me already. But doctor, I can assure. We're good.

So even if anything, I'm not gonna remove them. Please yh don't do anything stupid. I'd remove ET. That would be good enough.