.

I miss him so much. I miss him so fucking much but I'm not gonna tell him anymore. I'm not gonna message him anymore. I'll just be here missing him all the time. I'll be here. I'll wait. And one day, he'd be with someone else. And I'll still miss him. Doubt he'd be reading anyway.

What kind of cny. I didn't get drunk. Didn't get to kill whatever's awake. Do you think I can get over this? Three months, four months, doesn't matter how many months. Once someone you love asked if you're willing to, and you say you do, then are you gonna give up? And he suddenly left, can you get over that? Dude, dude. No, I can't.

So stop saying I'm not accepting your help. Dude. You're like my mom. My mom can't help me. You can't help me. No one can. So I'm talking to you about college then just quit it, don't look at them if whatever I share seems depressing. They know me, you don't. They can't help, at least they understand.

Do you think I don't wanna get rid all of this shit? It's been a few days since I stop messaging him. Do you know how fucking hard that is? Someone who's in your top priority, and you're forced to throw away that position. And trying to pretend that he doesn't exist. No. I can't.

It's slightly bearable. But still aches like hell every fucking time I have to think of it. No. What am I supposed to do!? You tell me. How to pretend that him and I never existed? Next time when he's with another girl, how am I supposed to live like I don't care? How to fucking pretend that I don't care!?

Dude please. You know you can't help me. No one can. So just let it be. Just talk crap with me and pretend that nothing's wrong. It'll be okay as long as we talk un-depressed topics. It'll be okay as long as we don't talk about sad stuff. Maybe accompany me to karaoke and let me shout. Maybe one day, just whatever. For the fucking last time, no one can help me. And that's ok. I'll try my best not to attempt to die.

Fuck everything.

You have no idea how actively I drafted, stuff bout him. And this is just to tell you. As long as I'm surviving, I'm super fucking fine, and that's not too depressing, right? As long as I'm alive, I'm in the best form I can be. The end.