Legend of the blue sea

A damn new drama. There's just four episodes so far. Here are some stuff they said.

“If you love someone… that means you surrender – you lost. In other words, if you love someone then you believe whatever he tells you” -

"Usually, good and pretty things disappear quickly. "
"Like this, with your eyes, you look at it well, and then keep it in your heart. When you have a sad day, you think about it. "

"Protecting someone else is after protecting yourself. That's how the order is. Changing that order is stupid, do you understand?"

Some stuff that's true af. It's just K drama, don't make it sentimental. 😂 I seriously have a problem. It's actually more towards comedy, but I find it sentimental.

Goshhh. Still love it tho <3

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Suddenly it's all so familiar. The bed is still the place where you shed a million tears. Sometimes you swore, over and over again not to get fucked up in bed. You lie on the bed sideways, screen faced inwards, pretending to be asleep so your family doesnt bother you. You swore to just sleep there so exhausted and NO THINKING. Promises are pretty lies, even promises to self. When you promised yourself not to care anymore, not to feel anymore, not to hope anymore..... Deep down inside, you know you wanted the opposite. You want to feel, and care. That's what destroys you.

Kill everything, every hope. Tell everyone, fuck you. Yes it's selfish. Humans are selfish. Ever wondered how awesome the planet would be without us? We're using words, creating dramatic bullshits, killing each other. Fucking chaotic shit.

It's okay to feel shitty. The only reason I'm here is my parents made me. They gotta need somebody, and it's responsible. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, it doesn't matter how I live. I just have to. I don't have to care bout anything else, but if I did and broke myself into pieces, ha, I'm just too dumb, then. It's okay screwing things up. I just have to be a good daughter. Nothing else.

I think my bed lamp is making me sentimental. No, probably everything in my room. I'm so tired of sitting here staring at them. Thinking about stuff, frustrating to death. I wanna make myself so so tired that I forget all drama.

I just want a life with no drama. Is that so hard? Why it feels like I always did everything so so wrongly?

I'm terrible at stuff. I can do 0.1% of everything, that makes me good at nothing. One thing I do best would be failing.

I gave up three damn classes to be with a guy that left me the way I am rn. Still continuing two instruments, without any achievements. I had years of badminton training, passion, but still, zero achievement. I'm wasting money, wasting time, wasting effort. And still, at the end there's just nothing. Studies? Come on. My results dropping harder than anything. Wood have every right to mock me and assume that I'm not gonna ace anything. He's so right that makes me mad. And people? I can never be with people. I can never believe in people. I live too much in the past, I'm gonna make sure it's safe. Even with this fucking careful method, I still screwed up.

How else I have to live? Maybe in this room, without connection. Yeah away from people. Without badminton. That would be fucking best. Save money, time, effort, shits. Save the drama. I'm so exhausted. I hate this. I staring at the ceiling, I hate not being able to sleep because of fucked up shits. I hate myself for existing. is there anything I can do to make it all stop?

Maybe I'm going crazy, I need to get my head checked. Maybe I need to get back to studies and yeah be like that fucked up antisocial kid. I just gotta ignore everyone everything. The only key to happiness is fucking get used to emptiness and never never NEVER EVER let anything in.

Just gotta get numb. Or maybe let everyone in and out as they please? Get fucking immune to people's bullshit. Stop pushing everyone away and be fucking nice to everyone?

This doesn't make any sense at all.

.

Why do I never learn? Let someone in and something bad will happen from the inside. Not gonna write about what shit happened. I wanna spam myself but fb is filled with bullshits.

I wish yip man is awake. Sincerely. Sad thing all food friends and all my psychs are probably asleep.

Life is so tiring. I thought I'm gonna stop letting people in and love badminton forever. Sometimes, loving badminton makes me let people in, and made me hate badminton.

Look at all the people I loved. I know them all through badminton. It'd save me so so much trouble if I didn't start this sport. If I still am that girl who doesn't sweat at all. That little shit. Look what trouble I've brought myself. I can never love badminton. I need to know people to play. But I don't wanna know people.

Push them all away. Kick them all out of my life, and they'd hate me. I don't mind that. What if I miss out one or two? We get close, someone gets hurt.

My bad for letting you in. My bad, for being worried of shits I've caused. I never learn. All these shits told me I shouldn't play this much anymore. Stop badminton and stop all the drama. If life can't be happy at all without badminton, then that's how life is supposed to be. Shut everyone out and stop risking.

Promises are never promises. I will never ever believe in promises. I think I gotta go a day out with drama queen.

Don't get upset, cuz when you feel happy today, you're gonna suffer tomorrow. Just fucking remember, when it hurts again, you repeated your stupid ass mistake. So just stop all this bullcrap.

People don't make any sense at all. Being comfortable is just what kills you. You feel fucking awesome? Because whatever you're doing wants you to feel that way.

No matter what happened, no matter how bad you're trying to believe again, you're just one more step to hell. You're just back in the trap. Everything's gonna repeat itself. One day you stop caring, and someone's gonna try to make you feel happy. Then destroy you. Leave. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Only the day you stop caring, you stop feeling sad. I just gotta stop giving shit. Didn't I knew? I've had this website all my life. NOTHING lasts forever. Nothing even lasts more than two years. Just fucking stop expecting miracles because they don't exist.

I'm so sick of myself.

Last fucking time. If someone tries to be nice, tell them to fuck off. Silent your phone forever because no one's worthy. Love yourself as much as you can because it's how.

2nd day Masiswa

8am.
So exhausted. I feel dumb for waking this early. But the transportation would be more convenient this way. I'm gonna follow my sister to the mall, then meet up with legend after they drop her. Tbh I'm afraid of getting late when it comes to meeting up with people. Arriving early is safer. Probably gonna fall asleep in the shop. I should've slept earlier last night omfg. I actually still feel a little sad to be forced to give up on women's doubles. Supposingly it's gonna be fun. Yesterday I went there but I didn't exactly wasted time. Time well spent, even tho I saw how scarily good the girls play... Idk, it just released the tension, and I got excited to play. Turned out there wasn't much to play. Haaaizzzz.

So legend and I went together by the van. I actually slept. Not a satisfying nap. We got there too early and kinda joined the rest of them at mamak. And guess what, these crazy ass people are just so good at gossiping. They teased legend bout a girl idk who, then my partner mj about his little mistske when he made himself sound gay, then me abt moon. Ughh. Can't guys and girls have pure friendship?

I saw pax the moment I put down my bag and scanned the court. He saw me too. Even tho he's from Taylor's, he still did gave his professional advices. Damn he was so good. Idol. I watched him during semis. The opponent was good too, but. There's an obvious difference. Sometimes you give one short stare and you'd know who's gonna win. Yeah he's just that good. I don't feel like a traitor at all, congratulating him.

Moon came after these crazy asses told him to. They freaking liars. But I didn't stop him because he wants to come anyway. Issh they made it a little awkward. I kicked voon! Gladly. Damn face problem.

5pm
It ended pretty fast. I honestly hope someone took a video of it, so I can aim my weakest parts. Almost all of us lost, including my partner and I, duh.

I think I was too ready for this, but I never looked at the schedule properly. So our names were called. We went. I saw their blue matching shirts. "Taylor's". I know what that means. It means we're losing. Duh. It didn't went well. We were lucky at the start cuz my damn nettings didn't fail me, but after awhile, it did. It just took such a short time to lose a game. But I couldn't recall it very nicely cuz I probably freaked out. Haih. I gotta improve.

I'm so tired. I'd collapse in bed right away rn if I didn't have plans tonight. I wish wood can reply me rn so I know when to get prepared, and maybe sleep before that. `&$*#(#(#

Even tho wood never broke movie promises before. (Wait, actually he did, just once) I almost made myself think he'd call it off last minute. Yup it happened. When you overthink, you have the power to make it happen. Such an ass. I wanna give him my strongest punch I can ever pull out. I FORGIVE HIM. But still, asshole.

I spent the night with my bed, it's the best night ever if I didn't get woken up by my sister.

He's a great guy, they say.
He'll never do whatever your ex did, they say.
Everyone sided him and tried persuading me to be with him. What the hell. Psychos. I really hope we're not gonna involve any of these stuff. If being friends made everything just well, why do they always ruin it with a confession then shits? Why?? Before shits happen I'm just gonna pray it wouldn't happen. Like please.

Break ups are so scary they can tore anything apart. At the end both sides lose a potential best friend. It's just so stupid. Just a moment of fairytale thinking costs this much pain.

And this is what the crazy peeps don't understand.

BBQ

I gotta type. Ahaha.

It's been so long since the last time I drove my mom's car. It's dark. It's night. I fucking drove. It's scary that my neighbor's vios was just parking right opposite. With dad's car obstructing my exit, I spent quite some time trying to reverse that small ass out. Still nervous and pekcek. No cars scratched. Everything ok. I was blur about the location, but we got there. Then I was nervous just knowing how awkward it would be.

He didn't exactly invited me crazily, but he sounded like he'd be so happy if I go, so I went.

I remember there was once, mom invited us, the whole family to join her and her friends in this marathon. We attended. My sister was freaking unhappy the whole time. I actually asked her to accompany me, so she did. I kinda thought it's my responsibility to keep her happy. After awhile, I realized my sister was pissed because mom neglected us and spent more time with her friends.

I came to be supportive for Moon's event, even tho I know he's the busiest there. Ohgosh. Yes it was awkward. That's probably the main reason I sweat so much on the way. I was nervous. I knew I was gonna be in a crowd and stand there like a mute. Honestly it's scary. I'm gonna admit how uncomfortable it is being alone in a crowd. I'm typing this, at this hour, currently sitting on a swing. Swings are awesome. Chilling alone is awesome too, sad thing I left my earphones somewhere far away. But I'm alone enough to play music here. Finally stopped sweating, and I'm actually cold! Lol. Such rare thing to feel in a field.

Go on and conduct your event, I'm going to be ok here. I'm gonna believe that you probably forgotten that I came. It's actually better since you're the kind of person that'd feel guilty leaving me alone. I came to help. So please, at the end of the day, you don't need to apologize. Thank you will do. :3 It's what friends do. I'll just take the time to relax.

2am.
It wasn't so bad, I think. When it ended, I thought Idk how to help out, and I tried making use of my OCD. Moving stuff is so much easier. At least I know I'm not going to become troublesome there, and I was surely helpful. Some habit of mine insisting one way trips no matter how heavy the groceries are. He was kinda busy. I'm just gonna pull out my phone whenever it's awkward. Uhh. It was alot of stuff. I have no idea how to start.

After the moving, they did the sorting while I waited with a guy in the car. So we had a short conversation. Such a talkative person.

I came here to help, because of some sad faces, and because he always helped me.
He's too kind that he's gonna help everyone but neglect himself. We all are so busy, I'm worried abt my project and I'm worried abt his too.
I agree on that so badly. That's why I came.

That's a nice friend. To think of it, I actually have friends like that too. Shell and stomata actually gasped and told me pls don't go for badminton for the sake of AS results. Aw. Fully appreciated rn.

The last task was the washing. I think it's ok. Usually I'd drag and drag. I know I still gotta finish the job at the end of the day, but I'm just so fucking lazy. Sorry. I'm born this way. We ate a little of the left overs then started it.

I had strong urge to splash you. No kidding.

Idk whether I was helpful enough or not. I wish I was, however. I'll always be ready to help as long as I have the ability to. It's better than sitting there imagining how tired you are and feel useless af.

:D It's good that you enjoyed it. Sometimes, the organizers don't get to enjoy. During the freaking birthday, stressing out because of sudden changes in plans just because of insufficient communication between the organizers. Gosh that was a disaster. Anyways just good for you.

1st day Masiswa

Today was the first day of the competition. I was supposed to participate women's doubles with a girl that I've never even tried partnering with. Then the schedule changed, I went but didn't play. Tbh or course I did played. Badminton is love. I couldn't resist free courts, you know.

Before that, Moon insisted the breakfast. He's nice. I can't say no to pure supportive friends like that right? I hope he's not regret. Getting up so early actually wasnt worthy, he gave up sleep, just to show support. I received that very fully, and I appreciate it.

I watched my war mates lost. But I'm glad they faced it really well. Sukma girl was sick. I mean sick. Badass and awesome af. I swear she's my idol. We have this stuff in common: loves hurting voon. It the jokingly way. My partner, Perak state player, she was pretty quiet at first. But then we still communicated well. There's no winning yet, but Grabcar was filled with laughter as we returned.

I just woke up from the cold. So tired, no idea why. Then receiving sad faces. I want to run over there and see what I can do. With my eyes half forcing itself shut back, I literally imagined myself cycling there. It's kinda hard when you want to help but you found out that you only can sit there and do nothing.

I thought about him. When he was in pain, in the hospital, and I'm just here, so far away wanting to rush over so bad.

I'm sure he'll do well. The best thing I can do is showing up right? I mean.... what else?

I wish I can be helpful.

Yeah I should just show up.

Ice

Some stuff happened last night. Everytime wood appears in my notification, something happens.

He asked me out, then said some crazy things. Then I changed a topic. Are you mad? Having exams? Definitely the reason you're acting crazy again. I tried to make him leave but it didn't work. For a year I managed to make him leave without trying, but I failed when I want to?? What the hell. I made a shaky decision. Then we had a short chat. Turned out he was concerned. Like an old friend, we kinda teased each other. He was different. It's been a year since he hasn't been being himself when talking to me.

If there is any chance to maintain this friendship, I will go for it. Relationship, nah. I'm so awake, and he knew that, that's why he felt there's no need to be an ass anymore. Suddenly we were just badminton buddies, cussing each other with lame humour.

People who care are gonna pour a bucket of ice on my head and wake me up. I remember receiving those from yip man too, long time ago. It wasn't so great. (I thought I wouldn't tell you anything anymore but then I love you too much hahaha don't be too happy bij)

I've received that from moon. A big pail of ice water, so cold. Shrivelling, I wondered, should I take back my decision? I probably should. My mind was telling yes and no at the same time. It did scared me real bad. I felt like I've let him down. I probably did. Since I already had no hope in being friends with wood, why did I risk another friendship? Wood wasn't worth it. Have to just reject like a boss and be mean to him forever. But how can I ever do that?

I stared at the phone blankly for few minutes, voices all around in my head. Fuck the voices. It's my fault I made shit end badly. I always made things end like this. I hate myself so much for being like this. I was certain I hoped I didn't exist. Frustration. 

It's good that fb had tonnes of good vibes at that hour. Scrolling fast, sharing fast. It was good that it made me giggled abit. And cringe too, cuz of the evil sad quotes that appeared. I anxiously wanted to perfect both sides, but didn't know how.

Saying yes seemed to bother him more than anything, cuz hey I agreed hanging out with someone who made me this negative. I agreed going out with someone who made me wanted to die. I wasn't surprised with that that huge pail of ice. I was so prepared for it. The thing that did surprised me was what happened at the end of the day. When he came back for me so calmly, with a warm towel, pulling me away from that cold ass puddle, telling me to go for it, that he'd be there whenever I need him. I didn't know what to say. The cold wouldn't make me cry, I've been through too much cold stuff that I'm already immune to those chills. The warmth would, the warmth always would. It was lucky we only texted each other, so you couldn't see my face. Thank you for all that warmth you gave all along.

I'm so out of words. You just gonna make me touched to death whenever I thought you'd just walk away and disappear from my life. And for that, I feel dumber than ever for trying to make you leave at the beginning. I thought you would get tired of my bullshit and leave. But I'm thankful you didn't.

No words. I'm just so sorry.
I will never ever push you away anymore.

Don't apologize for the ice, cuz you're the best that's happening to my life right now. Sincerely.

Fantastic beasts

It's very unlikely rare cases happen after we actually have that thought for a moment. Yip man and I had a talk about this, relationship stuff. Not just the bf gf relationship, friendship too. Uhm. It's pretty much the same, right?

Wood scared me a couple times. Big shock. Everything was way different from before. He used to be the one making me shut up while I leave and get sad mad. Today, he appeared. I tried shooing him really meanly, then I noticed he actually... Saw my status and was concerned. He cared. It was so unusual. And that's when I stop being so mean, and we talked like old friends. It's like... My closest cousin and I. The best kind of argument. It was actually fun, he was funny, he teased me, and I teased him back. It felt ok.

Do you think I'm over you? My heart raced still.
*-.-* probably, probably not?
What a reply.

I think this friendship hasn't end yet. He didn't avoid me like he used to. Odd. And I have a feeling that's because he noticed how I stopped wanting to fix the relationship. As long as I stop, we're still crazy friends.

I feel bad. I said yes without doubt, without any hesitation. We're badminton buddies. That's all, and I would like to really treat him as one and see if I could make it. I want to stare him in the eyes and say, I don't love you anymore. I want to have him right next to me and not have the urge to lean towards him.

Moon asked me first but I said yes right away to wood. What was I thinking? I have no clue. I hate myself for doing it. But I couldn't say no.

What I couldn't believe was.. Moon was worried. He was worried because of what wood did that made me afraid of having faith. I'm very extremely sorry for this.

Thanks

Life is actually really nice to me. It allowed me to had crushes that never even embarrassed me. (Yes I'm freaking proud of my taste in guys) It allowed me to had my very first love as a really really great one. It gave me a few besties that aren't temporary at all. It gave me a really flexible family, that they allowed me to do stuff that people on my age couldn't even(crazy curfews). It gave me so many things. Instead of trying to not be happy, I should just appreciate it so so badly and return it a big smile. I'm really happy these days. I never knew, holidays can be so... exciting, just because of one guy.

I'm sure it was because we're both badminton addicts. Maybe it's that hard to find badminton addicts in this area. So when I found one, I never wanna let go. It's kinda rare to see such positivity in one person rn. Well, you spread positivity, I guess.

Losing faith in people can be passed down. Idk what pushing you away would do to you, but that's so not gonna happen. I've had terrible things passed down to me, by people I care lot. I, too had passed them to people around me, that cares bout me. Not gonna happen anymore. Shit ends here. Wounds gotta heal, and there's nothing I can do to prevent injuries. Being paranoid just isn't how it works. I'm just limiting myself in this small box.


It's been a long time since I stare at the ceiling and smile, instead of getting really depressed.

I have no idea what you've seen in me that makes you think I'm worthy, but I'm really thankful for that. I wish I'll never ruin it with my stupid assumptions and insecurities shit. Gonna appreciate while it lasts, until it ends. I wish you don't run away after fully knowing me, cuz I might not be whatever you imagined me to be. 

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Overthinking kills. I know that so well, hah. How wood's overthinking hurt both of us, how my overthinking hurt both of us. Too many 'What if's. What if this happens next?

What if I fell and someone skates across my fingers? Would that make me not wanna skate? I guess worrying would just worsen the present and the future situation. 

Today was a great day, which means tomorrow I will suffer. 

Not letting myself being too happy. Happiness is an addiction. It's so easy to get happy and get used to it. When you think you lose the source, you get depressed for such a long time. And when you got over it, another source appears out of nowhere. 

Everything is temporary. Might as well live with that. Temporary happiness, temporary people. Promises are never real. It's just a temporary promise. I swear I will blahblahblah. 

They'll just remember that for five minutes. 

I rather get surprises randomly, random little things can make me happy. The best thing about that is I wouldn't expect any. Finding a long lost pen. Suddenly chatting with close friends for just half and hour. Buying a hot pastry with my sister. Every unplanned stuff can be enough. 

It's already enough, and I don't want more of it. I don't want promises, I don't want to invest feelings on something that can be gone in just one sec. Cuz life is cruel, it takes everything away when you believe it so much. 

Insecurities are important, to save you from terrible injuries. It lessens the impact each time. 

Forget everything each day. Please yh, don't believe, don't look at how awesome it is. The greater it seems, the more terribly it'll make you suffer. But how am I gonna forget? It's like forgetting the taste of pizza. So impossible. 

Trust issues

I have so many things that I didn't allow myself to do anymore. That includes having new extremely close friends. Funny how everyone didn't believe me when I told them that I'm gonna live alone and maybe with pets forever. It's gonna be the best decision of everything.

I remember wood used to have trust issues. After being with me, will it improve even slightly? They left him, it's alright to be insecured. Maybe he can trust his next girl more. Maybe that's the best I can do for him, since it's his turn to dump a loyal idiot. His next girl will suffer less of that insecure negativity from him.

I know that stress can be passed on from one to another. Big ass chain. Him to me, to drama queen, to the whole gang. It was my fault I passed it to drama queen. Well, she is a drama queen anyway, I should've just kept the shits to myself. I tried fixing it anyway, I think I left a scar over there. She seems always careful with me. I regret it all the time, for what I did.

Now, I know that trust issues can be passed on too. I remember losing a small group of friends, five years ago. That's the time I stopped trusting groups. There still are groups. 38 gang is one, but we're not exactly that close. The college gang is one, but I don't even think I'm that close to anyone in college. We may look close, but it's just how it looks. A very pretty surface.

I have serious trust issues that made me.. not even try to be close with the college mates. I'm close with them when in college, cuz it's such a normal thing. It's impossible that I shut myself out from people right? They only see my face, but not how I feel about stuff, not when I had stupid breakdowns. I never told them stuff. I only told blog, and only sometimes, yip man. (YES YIP MAN YOU'RE LIKE MY FIRST PRIORITY) Now, moon too.

Even tho I hate myself so much for letting him in, even tho I want to push him away. Sometimes I'd think that friendship between yip man and I might end too. Needless to say about any other friendships.

If one day I lost yip man too, I think that would hurt as bad as the break up.

So hey Moon, it's not your fault I have trust issues. It's not your fault if one day I push you away. Even tho I really wish that won't ever happen. But if one day it did, you gotta know. It's for our own good. You have a bunch of lovely friends that's most probably gonna be with you for the rest of your life, you'll be ok before you even realize. But I only have like.. a few of you. I'm not even sure who I have rn . It might hurt a while for you, just awhile. It'll be so terrible for me too.

I did one wrong move, which is, I didn't push you away before all this.

I am seriously scared of betrayal shits.
It hurts so so much.

Imagining all this leaving and stuff literally makes me tear up.

Hah stop being so negative yh. Stop.

I will try my very best to trust you.
But you gotta know, those voices will never give up asking me to get rid of you.

I'm so so sorry for having this much doubts.

One of the reasons I blog: I get to write all shits down and get emotional, cry all I want, so I feel better when I get out to face people.

.

I just saw wood's fb post. A photo of an award he just gotten. Caption sounds really happy. I'm happy for him. First thing I said to myself was "Can I love?' I remember reading this from somewhere, at the end, the only way you keep in touch is by fb reactions. True.

He's always so far away. Even when he has returned home, even when he's just right in front of me, just a step away. Distance aren't always defined by the physical distance.

I just disabled his customized notifications. It still slightly saddens me, but I'm able to do it.
Guess what? He's no special than anyone else anymore. Silent notifications, not even 'Close friends' in fb. Who's cutting onions?


I'm perfectly fine without him. If by any chance he reads this, wood, you succeeded to make me go. I might not even cry if you remove me from fb. It makes no difference. Facts are, you decided to end any shit in between us, and I grant you. Relationshit, friendshit, I grant it all. I'm no longer addicted to the possibility of 'us'.

Years later when I look back, I'm gonna thank you for being an ass to me for a while. Cuz it did helped. And when you look back, I wish you realize that you've lost someone that truly cares bout you, and would do anything for you no matter what.

One day, I'm gonna be okay to turn on the sounds, my heart will be damn fine receiving notifications from anyone, anyone but you. It'll be the other way round. I wouldn't want to receive from you anymore. My heart is whole when I'm alone. And I'd look at you, thinking, this is the guy that made me want to end life so bad, and stop having faith in people.

I would gladly NOT fix the hardisk anymore because some memories are better not flipped through. If life wants me to lose all those photos, alright then. The photos won't mean anything to me in the future anyway. I can't even believe it's possible for someone to cry over a broken hardisk because of the photos of someone. Fucking dumbass.

.

I am completely doomed. Same concerns as the few previous posts. Today, so randomly, sukma girl invited people for badminton. Moon joined, so  he'd fetch me. It bothers me how fucking worried I got when he spent half an hour to get to my place. I never spent so much time on the road for that distance. So my stomach started going crazy, I was aware of each vehicle passing by.

That manual car was scary. Did anything bad happened? No way the jam could take so much time. Maybe he scratched someone's car and the owner was fussing? Is it possible if he hit something? Oh please don't let these shits happen today. It's my fault cuz I suggested we join.

Then the loud manual car appeared. My stomach stopped acting crazy, we were very late, but no accidents no nothing.

I don't think I've ever worried dead other than when wood had dengue. It's just he's a great friend. Haih. A great friend that's treating me too great, and I'm worried.

.

As I say yes, and yes, I started to worry more. What is this. He's too nice. Like really too fucking nice. I cannot accept that, I shouldn't.

Even tho sometimes I tell myself, I used to think he was the best. But there are great guys out there too.

Then came another voice: the ones that look nice will end up being jerks. Don't fall for their trap. The scariest camouflage is being nice.

I'm actually scared. Yeah I better be.

Some people will be gentleman. Very. Overly.
Well it's just manners. If it's not, I better start being mean. But how can I ever be mean to this guy?

Please, man. We're great badminton buddies right? I appreciate everything. But please, treat me like sydney. Haih it's frustrating.

This guy

You know,, those kissy emojis.... I used to use the one with the heart, while wood used to use the one without a heart. Other than that, only my very amazingly psych friends would use it.

What if a boy uses it?

I fucking cringe every time he did. It's been wrong. Everything's so wrong. If you're close with a badminton buddy, and he brings you out to all his badminton groups, and you guys have a great time together because you both are badminton addicts.

What if he falls for you?
Being chatty is okay. Then caring a lot is okay. When he knows bout your weakest spot, and tries to make you better, is that okay? Is that too much?

Hey read this book. It's written by an author that I like alot. Maybe it can help.

Boundless compliments and encouragements are okay, but... constant questions about what are you doing, is that okay?

It's like a habit talking to you now.
Well don't fall for me okay?
Who knows, in the future
Please don't, I like it this way.

Really. Even if now you start to appear in my dreams, I sincerely think that you'd be a fucking awesome friend.

I finally had the guts to do something about the emojis.
*Kissy emojis*
Hey. Please don't use that emoji, I'm veryyy uncomfortable with it *inserts laugh emojis*
Okay

You're definitely a great friend.

That book didn't help getting over my ex. I partially got over him before you borrowed it to me.
I knew it long before he broke up with me. I knew our relationship was killing both of us.
I just didn't want to accept it. I've accepted it now.
I just think of him sometimes, slightly depressed sometimes.

The book made me questioned myself, should I risk my heart and try to believe again?

Someone said that "Love, not time, heals all wounds."
Then maybe I would live with that wound forever.
Would you give your very best to someone, when you're certained that it wouldn't last?
All that effort unappreciated, yet bashed into nothing. Isn't it better if it all didn't happen ?

Sometimes when I think of how I've friendzoned some people who tried to be chatty...
Wouldn't it hurt the same if I lost a friend like this? How quiet my life would be without him.

So it's your habit talking to me now? It's a habit to me too, you know? Even tho I didn't customize your notification, I checked my phone quite often because of you. Feel free to be honored. I made my phone quiet, because I break a little each time having notifications that wasn't from him. I wasn't mean to you at all, because I didn't wanna get rid of you in my life. I picked my words even when you've typed something I felt uncomfortable with, because you're starting to appear somewhere in my list. Priority list.

Friends
U
Can
Keep.  (notice the initials)

Hehh. You're one of them. Wood used to be one too, but we accidentally fell for each other, and it ruined everything.

Suddenly I'm worried.

People come and go. Do you? 

.

I'm just gonna talk about today. It's an awesome day. 

I woke up sad, I forgot why. I just remember wood was in it, and I went back to sleep, to forget that dream. Obviously without me flashing back hard, I couldn't remember it. And it's a damn good thing. Well I wish the past two years are like that. 

Moon asked me out for lunch and I said yes. I have no idea why, because he said let's spin pokestops. Ok I'm running out of pokeballs. Did I said yes to a guy just to spin pokestops? Yeah I did. What the hell. So out of my mind. Anyways he showed me a gym battle. It's so hard, actually. After that we parted to do our stuff. I went to the staff room to do some sorting. Miss F saw me! And I was breaking the rules like crazy, slippers and shorts, suprised she didn't lecture me for that. Frozen to death, next stop: library. Luckily I still kept orange's ID and password, I kinda used her account to do some work. College forces everyone to create one of those then only we're allowed to use the computers. Troublesome. I planned to go to college an hour early to do all those stuff, but used twice that time. Wow. And still not completely done. Lucky moon brought me to college early? 

Badminton was terrible at first. Well, as usual. I suck. Sukma girl partnered legend, versus me and moon. Moon was good, but legend and sukma girl! That's like the strongest team. If we can beat them, we can win. Hell no. Legend and sukma girl can just drag my tiny ass confidence down to hell and bury it there. I can't play. Legend wasn't even putting any effort. It's like a freaking chicken trying to kill a T-rex. What? 

Moon left early, I tried to train myself. There are ways. Heh. Sun (used to call him sheep but.. sun is more suitable) was an awesome companion. His adorable screams. Damn I just can't. We just stroked, intensively and it was exciting, tiring to death. I guess today I played with him the most. It was awesome defense training. He serves, I smash, he defenses, I lift, he smashes. The cycle goes on and on. We both get to practice killing and defensing at the same time! That was hell exciting. I think we're kinda okay cuz sometimes I actually can kill him, and he could kill me too. Legend was training the other guy, Damn he looked so bored. XD Sun brightened up everything I guess. Talking to someone really could make everything better. Plus sun was cute, the attitude kind of cute. His name suites him. Those laughs can be everyone's sunshine. Happy thing was he said my defenses improved, and he said nah playing with me wouldn't be bored. 

So you got betrayed and that's why you were so negative about relationships? 

*smiles*

I think my defenses improved because guys used to not smash me like this, they think it's bully to girls.

Good thing we don't see you as a girl here, *laughs innocently* :3 Damn I like that laugh. 

I kinda snapped a few peeps how shitty playing like a newbie felt. Then I received an audio, an encouraging audio. Moon kinda gave the kind of pep talk I always needed wood to give. Sincerely, thanks man. 

Remember to bring back your phone, and charger, it's at the plug. And don't feel so down, it's a progress, etc, etc. 

Haha thanks, but if I forgotten my phone, I wouldn't have heard this audio. :3 

Wood actually texted me today. I change my WA status a little often, because sometimes wood replies to them. He replied to me today. A long time ago, he said he reads it when he misses me. Is it still the same situation? Should I give zero fucks or overthink and get happy then get sad again? Zero fucks will do. 

Hey YH where are you going? 

To change. 

Let me accompany you, it's so dark. 

I'm okay with the dark, I believe in ghosts but I don't think they're after me

It's okay 

*I opened a door to legend hugging onto my racket bag adorably* :)

What are you eating? *moon emoji*

Grandma's cooking!

Can I try? 

Of course. 

And at the end, another guy is gonna try out my grandma's cooking before wood does. 

Some people be like 'I love you', the next day 'I don't think this is working'

And nothing else make sense at all. 

Life is filled with nice people. 

Whenever you feel terrible, think of those stuff. People with cute laughs, great training buddies, caring people. Whatever shit stuff, it's over. Don't go back to the person that broke you. And there's no point wanting what could have happened. He left, and that's no reason for me to not live an interesting life. 

One year, I'm done. Even if I'm back to the apartment, the skating rink, even if I'm back to wherever we've been to, that's just a dream that makes no sense at all. I'm done. So, so done. 

Luck

Yesterday my phone notified me. I jumped, cuz it's usually completely silent even if someone talked to me. It was wood telling me to be careful and stuff cuz his laptop got stolen, and my photos etc are in there.

Of course he didn't phrase all that in a descent way. It's almost disgusting to read. I have no idea how I bear with all that. Anyways. I sent a few long messages to him, which will never reach him. It's slightly complicated heh. The easy way to describe would be like whatsapping someone who has already uninstalled whatsapp. Yep the message just stays there. But it's slightly different in this case, cuz for whatsapp the message won't ever reach. But I sent him in a way he still could see if he wants to. (that will never happen)

Yeah I've been texting him there. Of course, no replies. I told him that I have no idea how to feel. I feel sorry for his stolen laptop. I feel slightly happy that my photos are still in there. Then thought about whether he has important long assignments unbacked up. And I feel unfair that why all these badluck only happened on him. Then I made a wish. I wished that we switch luck. I'll just openly take all that badluck, and give him all the luck I get.

So it came true?

Fine I admit I'm scared of hitting things. So aunt and I decided to walk out for lunch after discussing bout the pros. And then? It rained. VERY heavily. I don't give a damn anymore, so aunt used the umbrella and I just walked under the rain. Probably for few kilometers. It wasn't so bad until my slippers decided to die and not let me walk anymore. I've to fix it every three steps under the fking rain. And there were fucking cars. In the middle of the damn road, a fucktard fixing her slippers. I must've looked super dumb.

So I'm gonna believe that life decided to grant one of my wishes. So please stop popping out of my phone trying to make me sad, cuz from now on you're gonna live fine. And you'll never think of me when life is fine. True? Ok bye.

Serious shit, bye. Wood just disappear from my life.

At leadt my lunch was fucking delicious.

.

Since I stopped writing diary, I gotta make sure I write everything down here. OK my blog is my brief diary. Yay.

After AS trip
So many things happened. AS is finally over last Wednesday. Bio was ok, but not as easy as SPM paper 1. Let's just let go of the past. YAY It's over! So that day, we went to ecurve. I was with that bunch of hyped psychs. Stomata, shell, class rep and his bf, actually joker too, he joined half of our trip. First, movie ticket. I was sad. Uhm the only year I had a valentine, he brought me there. And I could see us, there. The apartment. Kingsman. Mcd ice cream. How could I not be sad? Pokemon go to the rescue. I caught so many, so many I forgot to look at the places and reminisce and be sad. It's like too many. Then to the skating rink. It's the first time I went skating at ecurve. RM25, definitely cheaper than Sunway? Awesome enough. It's so much smaller than Sunway's but it's okay. I met a few librarian juniors there too. Two cuties. Gosh I only remembered one's name. Then a guy from their group waved(I have no clue who that was). The rink was awesome. Everything was awesome. And I was sad again. Him and I skated last last year's Christmas eve. I just can't. Joker left after lunch, then we went for Dr Strange. Very comedic. Ahh I love the two psychs. Class rep and his bf are slightly ugh. They are a weirrd gay couple. I guess they match. It's so lol hanging out with a gay couple. Not too baad.

I had catch ups with lychee, and yip man. Lychee said her life is like so... normal, nothing special. I think she feels bored. While I'm excited everyday. Yip man's has lots of dramas. I actually thought I stopped all dramas happening, but actually no. There are still some dramas, inevitable. I think half blood prince has decided to end our fragile little friendship. Purely because I was tooo mean to him. I actually don't give too much shit. He blocked me because I coldly rejected his hangout request. Bleh. I'm gonna say, I'm just a person. I have my rights to say no, even if it's just a 'No', because I can, and nobody have the fking rights to manipulate my life. Bleh. Some respect.

I'm going to have three weeks holiday, which is still fully busy for me. I'm playing badminton five times a week. I sworn to guitar teacher that I'm gonna memorize all exam pieces by next class. I'm excited to practice violin because I just love violin. :D I had scheduled myself to self study chem and bio (mainly bio) for next sem. Time is just not enough at all!!! Gosh.

Today's badminton 
was awesome. We trained ourselves for the Masiswa competition. I have no hope in that, but I want to improve anyways. It's awesome. I like legend. Not the relationship type of like, just like. He's too cute. He has the super nerdy innocent cute, but he's actually veryyy attractive when he plays badminton very seriously. Like when they let out shouts during the game. It's really cool to me. Moon came too, just for fun. Ok the dramas are in this club, ginger was boycotted. They didn't openly say "Hey TJ we all hate you" but they weren't nice. I know, I wasn't nice too, but.. hey that's different story. I still tried to be nice. Now I really pity him af. The reason they boycott him was stupid af. Unfair. So he left the club. When you know there are people talking shits behind your back, you leave. Right? Great choice. He'd feel better leaving it. Not kidding, great choice. The sad thing is I thought I lost this friend. His tone sounded like he thinks I'm one of them. Hell. Poor guy.

I'm your friend and please ignore them haters. People who try to bring you down are already below you. Just goddammit. I'm not involved in this drama but I'm seeing a friend in it. Such awful case.

Another one was Voon being crazy. He's always crazy but now he's seriously... ugh. He dived into a relationship for a week but he looked unhappy af. What kind of relationship is that? I'm sad for the girl, her first love, given to this idiot. Sorry not sorry. So sphere and I told him about our experiences and little advises. It's so lol. Cuz I sometimes made shits too negatively. Billion sheeps and sky blue T were there too laughing madly.
How long did your (voon) first relationshit lasted?
Sky blue T: One day lmao

Dammn sky blue T is damn cute. He's so not chatty and has a really chubby face :3 ok stahp. Sphere always teased him because he's not good at services. There was two times the got smashed in the body, sphere laughed too funnily legend gotta calm himself before he can make his service. Too cute. Sheep has a  really cute scream. Everytime he couldn't take some shots, he let out that scream. It's really worth the smash. He can scream and laugh very adorably. Gaah. Like when I let out opinions about relationshits, He laughed and be like 'She is tooo negative.' But yeah. I guess I don't trust that anymore. Voon, enjoy la your little relationship. Since it's already done, make it worth the move, dumbass.

Badminton second round!
with the late twenties. I'm too happy, we had matcha frappe before that. Pure perfect. Matcha is love. Badminton was great, I fell. It was embarrassing, but not too embarrassing. Everyone fall everywhere crazily, I fall once in a while, which is really rare. It was a net shot, right thigh couldn't do better. Today, I think I did well at taps. I used to be really scared of making mistakes there. I made a few, but mostly were success taps. Yay. I'm starting to enjoy mix doubles. Being in front of the net is NOT an easy thing. You get the pressure, you get to set the game. Good nets force opponents to lift. And when they lift, my partner can smash. My job is to set the game. Even better if I kill the opponent just by netting. I reduced lifting and start playing cross court and spinning nets. It's kinda fun. I like moon too, honestly. He's a super nice guy, caring. Idk if he has intentions, but I don't think so. We're just two badminton addicts that finally found each other. Cuz I would do anything to be free for badminton, just like him. I feel like there's a few people in life that will do anything to help you whenever in need. Moon is one of them. Joker too leh. :3 We're gonna be great friends, Let's hope this friendship lasts long.

Just let me move on and stop making wood my first priority. Make him nothing at all.

Life is good. I have not much to ask for, please stop giving me accidents, especially parking accidents. I just want to drive like a pro and stop scratching the car. Damn 

Club badminton peeps

I'm touched. I thought I was being mean to someone that was actually super nice to me. So I asked opinions, from my sister and a few friends. My sister said she thinks it's fine, so do arrogant. Shell be like SAVAGE. I only wanted him to take it extremely seriously, which he did. Friendship not ruined, we played mix today. As usual, I spoke Mandarin to him, while he never spoke back. Then he told moon (in Cantonese) not to ask me out for badminton tomorrow night cuz I'm gonna injure myself and worsen shits. He actually didn't know I understood every single word. Well thanks, no joke. It was obvious cuz I couldn't lunge, I couldn't squat, or walk up the damn stage. Seriously hey thanks.

There are a few people that are being too nice. Ginger, Moon and legend car ant. Uhm. Different kinds of nice. Ginger was scarily chatty so I ignored him a lot. Moon dragged me into his group and recently became chatty like ginger. Ugh gotta reverse that shit. Then car ant was flirty.

A damn funny kind of flirty. I swear he talks super sweet whenever I see him. It's actually really entertainingly funny and cute omg. He calls me in a way I couldn't help but laugh. I got into the pitch black hall cuz I was early, then he was the first face to appear. Just like the first time we met, just us hah.

Where have you been for a week, I was looking forward to playing with you.
I was absent? Oh yeah I have exams.

How sweet. Hahah. I guess it's the tone he spoke that makes us not awkward about that. It's just too funny.

When I partnered a random guy,
Hey you stole my yh.

Legend, I'm not yours but you're too funny I forgive you 😂 you gotta be kidding right? He said that a few times, but obviously I wasn't bothered, probably that's why he dares to do it again. Damn. I can't even stop laughing while typing oh god.

These three are probably the closest people I can joke and talk to. Honestly hope I won't have to ignore legend. Sincerely hope it's just a flirty friendship we got there.

Facts

It's been a year since big shits happened. I've been putting my phone on silent. It's good. I swear. I thought my phone would be quiet forever but it didn't. I get to know bunch of new people. It's the new people who had been bugging my phone.

I got scolded a lot, for not picking up my phone. Mostly my family. I ignored people, and I have no idea how they managed to still text me.

When you text a girl who doesn't reply fast, isn't it boring? I feel your boredom, guy.
When life tells you, relationships are relationshits, do you still trust that thing?

Think about couples that were smiling happily last year, or two years ago. Are they still happily smiling together?

I've thought of so many pairs.
They're with different people. Different people being with different people just in a year.

How are you and her? Moving on?
Yeah I guess. I'm in another relationship, 6 months.
Wow. Good for you bruh.

When I wanna mention a guy to lychee. I'd say
That day I saw kh's bf/ex, probably ex, he waved.
Ex, you didn't know?
Oh of course I do, even when I don't know the two.

None of them lasts right? Such stupid idiots believe in love. The fifth wave (yeah not a good movie) tells us, love is a trick to ensure survival of this stupid species. It's true! That shit is weak. Weaker thanfucking van der waals forces. Ok stahp. Ahhaha. Even broccolis are stronger.

Ok sorry there's something wrong with my brain.

I am moving on. Yeah, I've not been seeing him much, maybe twice a month. Maybe still got excited each time. But that doesn't change facts.

Facts are, I'm much better alone. He definitely knows that. I know it too.

When a guy becomes too chatty, ignore him.
When a guy helps too much, stop asking for help.
Friends would help. But overthinking friends would over help. I know I'm being a little crazy
texting each close friend to like a little video.
But this close friend tagged a hundred just to help me help a friend. Psyc much?

Ignore is how you prevent further damage when you want to save a friendship.

That's what wood has been doing to me. Cold, mean, simple.

I'm just like him. Lol.
But I'm good. Shits wouldn't affect me now.

The only distractions in my life are addicting food and fb, and maybe badminton haha 😁 life's good.

Late 20's

I've been joining this group of people for badminton. Yesterday was the second time. They play every Friday night. Pretty late, but it's Friday. So my way to party. Heh. So yeah. Last week was more awkward, cuz moon doesn't know them well too. The one who fetches us was 26, and I know the tallest of them all was 29. So they all are probably in their late twenties. Lol. 

I kinda pulled my right thigh at the start. Weird, cuz I've stretched there. Most of them are average, just few are slightly better, some can't really play. The girl can play. I'm proud of her. :D From last week, I learnt that working peeps drink a lot. Or maybe it's just that group? They all seem so busy. 

This week, we actually talked. CK asked how much do I play. He's one of the guys that can really play, but injured so he doesn't smash. He smashes 3% in each complete set, if the side he's playing was losing. So mostly we just gonna stay aware cuz he drops and nets. Awesome. I like that. 

They made me guess their ages! I had a haaaard time. I was quite accurate for all of them except for CK's. Not my fault! I guessed according to their responses. Ugh. :3 

It's cool to be with people so different in my life. I get to learn some new stuff. Luckily I can understand cantonese. It has so damn much advantages.