I just don't understand. No, I understand.
I ruined it all. I ruined all.

I remember I was so determined in convincing yip man to convince her parents to let her hang out with us at our last highschool times. She kept saying it's hopeless, it's no use. They stubborn. They stubborn but if you do nothing you waste all opportunities.

I remember telling her to tell her mom. If you turned down on all our invitations, soon we get tired. We don't invite you anymore. You lose a bunch of friends, you slowly get forgotten. It's not worth it. Ask your mom. You have primary school gatherings? Then let me go. Let you go.

What have I done?
There was a period Loong asked me each week. Badminton? I said no. I said no, I said no. Everytime. I felt great being remembered. Then, slowly, no more. Completely no more.

I remember my orientation friends asking the entire group if they want to dinner together. I said no. No each time, to be with wood. I said no to my coursemates. I said no to the one time sem 2 asked me out for lunch and they never asked anymore. I said no to every possible connection, I said, I need to be with my ex, he's really lonely. That's just not how.

You, Motherfucker ruined my life. I can see carmen, sharm, lawr, beck, they can be right in front of my face, but they had no idea who this is. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

What have I done? I'm sorry if I got so desperate and got myself into a position guys came flirting. I'm sorry I'd make up with my past by being extremely apporachable. I'm sorry I was an ass. I didn't mean to. It kills me inside. It kills me everytime. Everyweek when I said no. It wasn't me. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I lost loads of people for one asshole.

He's here to ruin my life, fuck everything up and make me face the consequences. How awesome.

Yet ET's telling me, make changes. Make changes. Whst kind of changes? Am I supposed to just hype up in front of them yelling their names and say let's hang out even when you don't remember me? Am I supposed to pop out in uninvited groups and tell one of them "I'm coming"?

I'm still trying anyway...
I succeeded asking A levels group, lychee, drama queen, these people that I never seen for a long time. Thank god the situation wasn't so bad.

And maybe I was too quick to judge. Crisp asked me, just later. Point is, I didn't have to say I'll join without being invited. Haha. I'm making my way back into the squad. Maybe loong's got exhausted. But I can make other connection, why not ?

Omg? I was indeed judging too quickly. Why so sad. Fuck la. But I gotta say no again ... fuck. Why my life such bullshit