31.12.2015

So it's last day of the year.
He sounds so happy. Well, because of you, this.

I played that stupid game for a day, thinking about so many things. Dad's next to me playing emo guitar pieces.

Last year this day, I almost made a decision to stop being that close with him. Last year this day.. I felt like I'm the luckiest person in the world.

Felt shitty. After all these times, do I regret? Yeah. I regret doing so many things.
This year, is front half perfect, back half absolute hell.

Moral of the story,
Never let myself be happy, cuz they're gonna end real fast. Just like my link, nothing lasts forever.

Sometimes Idk how to stay determined to keep trying. Sometimes I just wanna shout, he's gone.

So tired, I gotta distance myself to prevent throwing a tantrum on peeps. I'll just stay here.

2016 resolution, I want to learn to not feel anymore. I'll kill myself so many times I won't mind dying anymore. Just fuck everything.

So frustrated Idk what to do.

.

I've never been that sad since days ago. Yeah days.

Everything was going well. As usual, I made my holiday schedule busy.

I didn't want any time to daydream and over think and die. I went to places. Places filled with people. Many places.
Doesn't matter alone or with people, it still felt empty.

And one wrong step. I ruined it.

How am I supposed to start college like this?

Insecurities.
They ruin everything.

Two and a half months waiting period for you to turn back a little, it was absolute fucking hell.
I can do that again.
Two years, or even a decade.
You're worth the wait.

Blackout

I'm woken up by the dead, still air.
First thought: my sister again? Is she that cold? Can't she be more considerate, I'm sleeping at a blindspot. Ugh. *switches on bed light* What? She turned off the main switch again? Why, did I fell asleep on top?

If I didn't go for toilet I wouldn't have realized,
The fan was off too. Damn. And lights weren't working. At least it wasn't her.

Such an awesome time to be awake. But weirdly, dad's room has electricity.
Oh Wifi works too lmao.

Wood:)

I woke up, first checking my phone. Then, thinking about yesterday. Yes, I admit, I dislike mcd. But having chances, it's ok. Then I'll think about our last moment.

That hug. It was a satisfying proper hug. I can't lose him. I was wrong. If one day my days are numbered, he would be by my side. I know that so well. He's gonna be with me because he cares so much he wants to extend my life.

I'm gonna resume vitamin consumption. I'm gonna go checkup on my stupid ovary. I'm gonna make sure that I'm safe. I'm gonna stay away from any males. I'm gonna be safe and well so you don't have to worry. I'm gonna be okay.

No matter you will or not exist in my future, I will be well. And we will be friends. Best friends that forever give shits about each other.

Ilywood.

Out with woood

Today we went out. He still cares, yes he does. About my arm, my feelings. He hit me a lot, playfully. Love those so much.

I dug his wallet. He allowed me to do so for 30 secs. I did, and the booklet is still there, facing inward, just like how I hid our photo somewhere inside. I swiped his phone, unlocked it at first attempt. My photos are still there. I leaned on him during movies. He put his arm around me as usual. Sometimes he let me hold his hand, but push me away after suddenly realizing he shouldn't. Sometimes I kissed him. Sometimes, he pulled me over and said Deh bao just like he used to. We shared drinks, meals, desserts, and my water.

Sometimes I felt he never left. He physically left me, but then, he still loves me. He's still hoping for a plot twist that would turn us back together.

He still loves me. He's too nice to me, thst he only could pretend that he gave up, in the screen. But he hasn't. The keychain remains hanging by his steering. The booklet remains in his wallet. Our photos remain in his phone.

We, are going to communicate well.
We, are going to be one.
This is the last hope.

We will be peaceful together, without fights.
I love cjw forever, never apart til death do us apart. Nothing's ever gonna change that.

People like him, never leave even after leaving.
I have one reason to take good care of myself, and that is you. You gave me a reason to fight.
For you. And for now, it's still you.

.

Not til I see changes.

I'm screenshotting this.
Even tho I wish us back together, I never had hope. I thought I'd be silently suiciding. But that sentence, coming from you.

Yh, do you want to hope, for the very last time?

I felt it. He still loves me. He cares, each text, each question. He loves me, not loved.
He still hopes too.

I wanna cry and smile at the same time. It's not a fucking assumption this time. It's real.
He is waiting for difference, something that proves we will be good for each other.

I love him so much.
I'll change.

Let us get back together. Let us learn to love again.

Wood:)

Sometimes you get tired of trying to beg someone not to delete you from his life. So you keep yourself occupied, you get busy, get some stuff to do and skip the sadness. It did helped. It helped distraction. You're sure that he won't come back, so you want to stop depending on him.

Suddenly he became so nice.

Everytime you miss him, you draft here.

But he's here for you now.
I'm sad but happy.

Sad because I know, this is temporary. Happy because it's our last time being close to each other, right?

Just like last year, I will stay with you.
I already expected you to be gone forever anyway.

:)

We're good friends.

Ilyfriend hehehe.

最佳前男友 不是假的。
I thought I'll never smile at the phone anymore with you as the reason.

:3

Out with wood

He asked me out. Twice.
Yesterday we had great chat, you care, you asked a lot. You said you wanted to ask me out for lunch.

So it did. You're adorable. You're so disgusting! But I miss you being this. Hehe. Songs, college, exams, tutor, intern, physio, mobile plan, mahogany, cars, parking, hello.

The first thing I saw was the keychain I made. It's still there. Pon holding a board, "I love you, cjw"

Thank you for still putting it there. You're giving me hope. You pinched me whacked me teased me. We're gonna be good friends.

I thought I could lie to you, but I couldn't. At the end, I still be honest to you. You're just so special.

Then we talked about movies. 33,what motivation movie. Ah I can't remember. And then star wars. Then yip man 3.

You said, let's go.
You're asking me out.

For the second time after breaking up.

Can we start over as friends?
Yes because we already are starting over.

Ily wood..
You have no idea how many times I wanted to strike you gently.
You have no idea how happy I was when you were so close, I can smell you.
You have no idea how much I miss you.

Wood:)

Now I get it.

Usually during school days, you never texted me.
Wait, you actually did, but just a bit.

You're on holidays now.
I feel you missing me. You text me everyday, even tho not that tight.
I feel you being free and chilling.

:)

It's awesome having you free. Felt your love even tho you scolded me most of the time.
You're still fucking adorable.

Wood

"Thanks wood."
"Thanks similanjiao."
"For everything."

Thanks for not leaving after you scolded me and I scolded you back, just because you want to wake me up, then help me out because I'm sad for my phone. 
Thanks for talking to me, over and over again because I asked can we not say byes.
Thanks for inviting me for tetris, even tho I made you lost that time by inviting when you were in the middle of a game.
Thanks for still giving so much shit, and care, even tho you said "I don't care", then telling me whenever you think it's not safe, and I'm not safe. Thanks for confessing that you miss me, even tho the day had ended, you made my day.
Thanks for everything you've done to me.
Thanks for saying so many goodbyes, in a mean way, but still continuing with a new weird funny topic because you can't help to ask, you were so curious about what I'm going through now.
Thanks for being so adorably cute even when you speak to me in a shitty but adorable way.
Thanks for being soft, after you read my explanation, even tho you thought I ignored you, but I was just busy and away from wifi.

I love you, cjw.

I thought my Christmas eve was shitty.
I was wrong. It's great, but not the best.
The best was last year.
We went to the ice ring.
And you were so adorable.

I broke my screen

Because my phone cracking doesn't break more than you do. Phone cracked and I'm sad because we bought them together. We did all them together. And THIS is all you can say.

Thank you for everything. I hate you, Ily, all at once. I don't wanna see your name anymore. I don't wanna see you anymore.

I broke my phone today, on accident.

This is the unluckiest year I've ever been through.
I thought I'm doing this to earn money.
Instead, I broke my precious phone.
I can't do well in anything. I can't protect everything that I love. I deserve, having everything falling apart. I deserve to never have anything that I love.

From now on, yup. I know what to do.
I will never ever go for what I want.

I will just stand and stare from distance.
Having a short distance is better than having it gone forever. 

Fuck my life

.

My brain is telling my heart:
Please, stop loving him, can you?
Heart says yes. Heart always tries, always fails.

Remember how cold he was?
He was mad. He was mad that I wasn't at home. He thinks I'm having fun he didn't sound happy about it.

I don't know what he wants. What if I AM moving on. What if I am fine already. What if I really just want him as a friend now. Why is his attitude so damn fucking shitty? Why is he unhappy whenever I'm outside even tho we broke up. Why am I still controlled. He turned my smiles into sad faces instantly. The way he said Bye. hurts so much.

Doesn't matter if I'm with him or not, he's still that mean.
Why am I still holding on to someone like that, kept believing he's not that kind of person? He is. And he will never be nice.

Ten years later, I don't wanna call him friend.
By that time he definitely stopped training.
I wanna walk pass him and don't even notice.
I want him to regret letting me go.
I want him to miss me af and want me back.
I want him realize only I can love him like that.
Deeply, crazily, blindly, that I'm willing to do anything.
I want him to say, I'm sorry, you are the one.

But I don't want to be with him anymore.
He's a piece of shit, that could never love me the way I need.
His love made me suffered so much.
I know that well,
to never kill myself the same.

You must block the holes
fill in the gaps
before it finds them
and floods in.
For you dont want
yourself drowning again.
Or, do you?

Remember that, yh.
Remember he's only here to teach me,
Single is gold.
Lesson complete, and he's gone forever.

Exams

I woke up, I'm ok. I scrolled fb, and read some posts.

There's a picture captioning The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to cancel all the exams for the following year.
I disagree.

I think exams are simpler way to make the youngsters experience life. Why? Because whenever you're experiencing shits and tragedies, you cannot put yourself on holiday. Life goes on. If you don't study, you lay in bed everyday to cry, you screw up your tests. But of course you must have that responsibility. Exams force us to rub off our tears and stand up. Exams force us to improve ourselves by volunteerily stuffing knowledge into our tiny brains even when everything isn't right in your life. Even when you just wanna die. 

When you're older, whatever shits happened, you cannot stop too. There's no pause, no rests. You'll get fired, and broke, then die of hunger. Maybe when tragedies happened, you really wanna die. But that's a terrible way to die!

The only solution is to move on, or else you'll only suffer. Move on, even if you have to bring your swollen puffy eyes to school/work on the bext day. Move on, accept opportunities with a smile even if it has to be fake. Move on, if not, put shits aside, NEVER flash back.

Flashing back makes a dark room even darker. The only reason I'm alive right now, is I did not flash back. I only let his warm smiling face appear in my head, and that does no harm. That smile keeps me going. But further rewinding memories will make all shits worse.

The world is full of sad people. It needs more people that could make those sad peeps smile.

So artists and musicians, stop composing sad pieces. We get that the lyric understands our feelings. But please. One song makes extreme depressed nights. It's so fucking terrible.

Just kidding. Sentimental music are the best.

.

I realized I'm still alive and living because I did not flash back.

Flashing back hurts so much. It never fails causing this shit.

At the end I have to convince myself,
It's alright,
You've done your best
you've did whatever you could.
He did not love you that much
And it's ok.

But it doesn't matter now.
We're still friends. He's still adorably funny.

At least he's doing good.
I love him.

Wood:)

Sometimes people randomly get emotional without any reason. I guess I'm like that.

So I decided to skip dinner. Even tho, my best friend (my cousin heh) went, and my other dentist cousin. They went to support my sister's concert. I usually do support. But I'm fed up of something. Don't know fed up of what. I just don't feel like going anywhere.

Aunt came to my place just to fetch us to meet up with them after the performance. I refused to go too. Seriously, idk why. So I was home alone. I played this piano tiles game, and suddenly felt like practicing piano.

Piano is awesome. I got a little hungry. 100 plus and a little piece of chocolate filled me up. Gosh it's so nice.

He appeared again, on top of the list. I'm surprised, but not that surprised. I told him I left myself at home because I miss him too much. Not actually bullshitting. I miss him all the time, but actually that doesn't affect my decisions.

Thankful, that you're willing to talk to me like a qian da ass friend. And you're still adorable. Idk what to say, when you're still calling me whatever you used to call me. I'm wondering, will that be only for me, a personal nickname that you'll only call me? I sense you, not in a chasing-me-away-tone anymore. I sense your humor, your randomness, your silliness, your craziness, your obsessive-extreme-care. You're still there. But I'm too damn sure about how you do things. I know, you've made the decision. So for now, the most we can be, is just friends.

You're an adorable friend then. 

Moved on?

Well, we had a good chat.
I realized he's actually not completely mean in Whatsapp. He is really, trying hard to make me hate him, but the atmosphere can still be awesome if I change the topic to something silly.

How do you make someone change their big ass decision? I don't know. That day I tried explaining super softly, and ends with 'please don't reply immediately. Think about it.'
The outcome was good: no replies.

And then silly topics. It was good. Even tho, I could imagine him with another girl. Heartbreakingly, I could imagine him being so happy with another person. The surprising thing is. He still cares! Don't think that's how a friend is supposed to act. Tags on those? only me? Why tag me if you don't give any shit?

"I don't care."
few silly topics later,
"Choose your pre u and degree wisely, blahblahblah"
Idiot.
"Why you care about me more than I do"

Friends.

Quit, no?

Does his presence matter? No.
But does that affect me? Fucking yes.

Maybe it's better if I quit training. So I can stop seeing you forever. And we become complete impolite strangers to each other. It's a good thing. I can hate you, and you stop affecting my emotions from sec to sec.

If I quit, I'll miss you.
If I stay, I'll suffer.

It's not like I'm a real badminton player. My presence make no difference too.

He's being so friendly meeting up.

I wonder how can a person be so different from screens and from reality. It's just so weird.

Thanks for not being with me.
Yes I'm scared of being the only girl in an area. Thanks for leaving me alone. Thanks for everything.

Wars

I guess I was right abt better to die later.
Maybe I should go for psychology 😂 but I'm not really good at neurons...... :/
There was a war.
Correction, a few wars. Between my mom and sister.

Intro: my sister's clumsy, ignorant, irresponsible, sometimes sounds highly determined but she never achieved her promises to self(like I said, sounds).

As her roommate, obviously, It's a huge challenge. I sound like a mom to her, because she really can't take care of anything! But she doesn't care. Sometimes, when I have exams or when I'm mentally dead, I really could go crazy seeing her like that. Unfortunate roommate life.

And there's my grandma.
Grandma's a hardworking person. Totally opposite from my sis. Something happened. Grandma kinda hurt her leg awhile ago. Usually, she's the one doing all the housework etc. So after that accident, a few asshole cousins think they're so fucking good. They kinda "spoke up for grandma", saying how shitty us grandchildren are.

They're actually right. But those mean comments made my mom so crazy. Mom's trying to tell grandma rest and stop doing work. You know old people. They're stubborn, if shits don't happen, they insist to work, secretly. Mom's trying to get us to do house chores. I accept, lazily,, but tbh if I live alone, I wouldn't mop daily, I wouldn't wipe my car daily(maybe I will, idk). I would minimize house chores, and put all the focus on my career work. But ah never mind.

My sister is the problem. That lazy ass with shitty attitude. I shut the door after hearing them shouting at each other from downstairs.

Shits getting real bad.
War ended up dad and I trying to calm the two.

I have fucking training. Tomorrow's gonna be so tiring I don't dare to imagine. Good thing is, tiring is great.

And that's the reason I can't die yet.

Alone

This is the first time. I went to LRT, alone. Fucking alone. I'm not scared of dying, or anything. Mom's scared. Hahah. She's a little worried. I said, no big deal, humans have to die anyway, at the end. She said, it's a big deal, lol. I guess no negative talks to parents.

It wasn't as hard as public bus. Buses are unpredictable, you gotta do some research before heading to whichever bus you want. All these are kinda new to me.

I got there, a little lost. There's so many ways to go. So I simply followed the crowd. They led me to the wrong tower. It's actually dangerous. Imagine yourself wearing formally, with nice dress & shoes, alone, lost.

I don't care, no one cares too. But of course this isn't supposed to be a suiciding trip. I got there safely hahahahaha. The few worst parts are: it's so cold. I'm so cold. And these shoes are killing me.

Imma good girl. Tho this dress suits that white-princess-like high heels. I wore black flats anyway. Looks super weird matching like that. Heard me? I didn't wear high heels! Obviously, not because of you.

Well, the ushers weren't as efficient as last year. I'm like lost here and there. Oh I reach the hall! But don't know where to sit. Lmao.

Being alone is lonely. Still, I don't care. It's so funny to look at others, like seeing past self, leaning on his shoulders, then thinking *nothing lasts forever, those aren't real. They eventually breakup.*

But hey, I'm free. I have nothing to lose. I just have to drift tru a few more decades and I'm done. Don't tell me "you only live once". I get that. I lived. And I'm done. Wait. But tbh, it'll be better if I die after my parents.

Two more stops to the last station. Ladies, don't you all leave me here. I'm not scared of dying but I'm scared of being with male grownup strangers. They're pervs, they're monsters. Oh come on.

I miss my blanket.

.

Every first reaction I saw your fb last seen:
"笨蛋嗎？假期不睡覺。”

But after whispering that in my head, I realized I'm no different from you....

You're an idiot. Don't know who loves you, don't know who cares for you. You're an idiot, you want loyalty, you found but gave up on it. You found what you were searching for all these time, but it was a misunderstanding. Maybe you didn't love me enough to understand.

I'm an idiot, for holding onto an idiot like you. I'm an idiot, who caused so much chaos and misery for myself, because of you. I'm an idiot, because I still get affected by you, even tho you treated me so bad, you didn't understand me.

We're both idiots that finally found each other.
But never lasted.

Memories can maintain me not you. You, are no longer needed, because you will leave anyway.

Never trust anyone. Not specifically directing any gender. Never trust anyone except a dog.

。

就算你再給我一次機會，我不要了!我發誓我不要了!不管怎麼愛你怎麼想你疼你愛，我不要了我跟你說我不要了。

我不會再叫你陪我等車。我不會再叫你回頭。我會想念你，很想你，可是不會找你。多痛苦多不舒服也不會找你。朋友，當不當都無所謂。都算了! 反正我的死活你都不管了。我會記得你，不會刪除你的照片。但不會去看了。就算你出現在我腦海裡，我頂多笑一笑，難過一秒，然後繼續忙。

都無所謂。如果有天很久沒見，突然見面了。
你好嗎？還能怎樣？我還能怎樣？

我希望你好好的。希望你單身直到工作穩定。不是詛咒你，我希望你不要為任何一個女生這樣傻傻地犧牲自己的時間金錢。其他女人可不像我，未必傻傻對你忠心耿耿只愛你一個。對自己好一點OK？笨蛋，你加油啊。我想你了難過一下，也會加油。我相信你以後會很成功。

我會努力，盡量能夠在工作上和你有交集。但如果不行，也算了。

我會微笑著過下輩子。負面也好，勉強也好。我會一個人，會找幾只狗，我不會親手結束了自己。我會不管自己，讓自己冒險。我不怕死，我想死。

Updates

So my parents got me my dad's old laptop, which was placed somewhere in the office, unused. It's a red shiny Windows 8. Damn I'm unfamiliar with Windows 8. I spent quite awhile getting used to the system, then started moving my files in. I realized, most of my stuff, were photos and songs. I had catogarized photos, only some special stuff I put them names, or.. relatives, friends etc.

The laptop is actually good. Besides some settings idk how to change, there are some flaws. The most important few stuff weren't usable: the fucking earphone input, and Bluetooth.

Extremely fortunately, dad has a devide, that you plug in tru the usb input, then you can connect earphones and mic. So earphones problem is settled.

Bluetooth. Like previous blog mentioned, I use Bluetooth amp. It's just sad.
But it's a good thing too. Because I kinda go crazy listening to music. I still feel the lyrics.

Keeping myself occupied, it's very useful. I'm drowning myself in khan academy 😂 I'm so tired.

Violin teacher accompanied my negativity. He asked how am I, as usual, I said not fine. I added, but alive. So, still fine. He said being dead is much finer. I couldn't agree more.
"But life is a challenge, so we can't quit, we can only wait to die naturally."

The reason I'm typing this shit.

.

If I could get a ringgit every time I miss you, I would have enough money to live for the rest of my life, and still, would be able to pay for my own studies even if I study in the most expensive uni in the world, or even get a phd etc etc.

One post. One single fries. One nap. One breathe. One emoji. Yeah it's stupid.

No matter how hard I thought I succeeded to make myself hate you(from the last draft or post). The next ten minutes, it's there again.

Why is it, you're alive but haunting me every sec in my life? Is there ANY WAY I can remove the memory from last year's October until this year's?  Just the removal of a year's memory, my life would continue. It stopped somewhere Idk.

How unfair, I lost count having you, being the reason of my restless nights with painful eyes and chest. And two words. Two words, you fucking left.

Why am I still holding onto someone like that? I can't stop asking myself. Want the best for me? You can't even let me live in peace when we were together!

But guess what.
I will let go of you, you're like a medicine. You want the best for me. But you're making me worse, because I started consuming, and you became drug.

Still, thanks. Now I'm sure, if someone like you could look like you love so hard, and still gave up.... then the world is hopeless.

Stop drifting through life because of someone like you. Stop blaming yourself because if he loved you enough he wouldn't have gave up, he would have understood the reason why I said that.

If you turn over, and want me back. Someone please bring me out of that illusion. Bring back my senses, don't let me walk into that trap.

The one that broke you can't be the one that fixes you. Don't let the same fire burn you twice.

.

It's really funny, right.
Someone who used to know everything, now knows nothing but still thinks he knows everything.

No one knows anything.
I'm a fucking liar. To avoid explanations, I lied a lot, mostly bullshitting. I minimized the amount of questions people would ask, and quickly make an end of topic.
It's kinda mean. I know. Sorry.

I guess only my family can see whatever I'm acting. Haha. My sister's so bored when talking to me. Kept saying, I've changed direction. (Career) cuz I used to put music in front, now, music is a backup plan.

"I've created an event. "
"I know."
"You going?"
"I'm not sure. I'm broke, I'm....."
"Forget it, you're not into music anyway."

While someone out there thinks I'm obsessed with music camp. More like trying to lower down my teachers' disappointments?

They have high hopes. I did well without effort. I can be better than people, if I worked hard. Yeah she's right. I'm not into it that much. But they expected me to go on the musical path. I'm slowly letting them know, music is hobby.
That's all. Maybe I can be good. But it's just I'm good in this hobby.

I wish he understands this.
Wait. Haha actually nah. It doesn't matter right?

.

I saw something from fb, kinda like "Holiday kills you."

Yeah.
2.17am.
Who would be awake for me to talk to hahahahahahahaha.

Sleep.

Whatever awesome state you're in, sleep.

.

I'm watching a depressing movie. No matter how hard I beg him to return, how hard I still love him, he will never come back.

I'm better. I'll keep myself occupied and die as an empty shell. I'm sure many experienced this. So will I. I'm ready anyway. I will study my ass off and be busy to temporarily forget the pain. I will be so busy. So so busy that my studies improve like no one could believe. I'll be so much better than now. I will die in an empty shell, that contributes to the world.

Let's not be depressing people.

I can pretend, again and again. I look fine, I look normal.
So fuck off, people. 

.

Let's not be depressing people.
But my blog is full of depressing drafts.

I woke up, disappointed that my memory is still there. Maybe the temperature wasn't high enough to kill. Do you know how badly I wanna die? Hahahha.

Was it me or the weather is so cold. I usually can't stand sitting on my bed without air con, but now I can cover blankets tightly on the bed without sweating at all. I'm so tired I feel like not doing anything.

But not doing anything makes me wanna die more. Because of that emptiness.

So I should go study. But my head's not letting me. I should quickly get a job and start busying.

Speaking of jobs.
I brought my heavy self to 1U today. Surprisingly I ignored the tiredness and walked as fast as I could, because I only had half an hour to do this.

The shop peeps were nice, and busy. Yep if they're busy they would want me right?
Gosh please hire me right now I can't stand the emptiness.

I wonder how it feels like being a ghost. It must be depressing. Being able to witness everything but not able to be noticed. Maybe a little better than living.

Sick

So I have a fever. One that accompanied with stomach cramps and watery shits. I used symptom checker. Webmd told me to contact my gp. Hah I would rather not tell anyone and die my own.

I remember when he was unwell. I had trials the following week. But I went to his place in between that short single day holiday.

He looks weak. I stayed with him. Used the ice thingy and lower his temperature on the head, gently so he could sleep. I kinda sat on my leg, Until it numbed so badly I had to jump single legged to change the ice pack.

Hhehe. You won't know that. You were resting with your eyes closed. I felt so sorry for you I wanna exchange roles. No one deserves getting dengue for more than once.

Then that Friday night I went to see you. I brought a little handmade gift but forgot to give it to you. I was sad.

I'm glad you're ok.

:)
Be safe, be well. Ily.n

.

If a mcd meal can trigger that grief

I ate with a few people. They weren't close to me at all. Just I know them, they know me.

I ate the fries. You appeared in front of my eyes. You sprinkled salt and pepper around, saying, try it. My recipe. I did. And you asked, "Delicious?" I nodded, you didn't believe.

I stare at you, dreamy. You made faces, and used eye contact to ask "What."
I replied, "Nothing, you're just so adorable. And I'm so lucky."
You burst a smile and said, "笨豬".
Then I moved to your side.
"I want to sit with you."

Then we put on earphones, and started watching a movie. While, I couldn't concentrate because you kept tickling me. The earphones kept falling.

Then another day, you sat in front of me, emotionless. You were quiet. We were quiet.

You left me without anything, without any hug, no kisses, no words.

.

Last year, during camp, I wasn't with you yet. But we had conversations a little frequent, and you were as sweet as honey.

Last year when I was here, I longed for breaks and rests. I was excited, everytime I get to small talk with you.

Last year when I was here, You wanted me. You wanted to get close with me.

Last year this time, We went out quite frequently. Spending our pocket money. I tried to appreciate you because you said you might quit.

Last year this time, you told me, I could make you stay.

Everything has changed

Wood

I miss you. I wonder. How long can I miss you like this? How long can I last, missing you like this? It's unhealthy. It's terrible. It's absolute fucking hell. I think of what day it is. It's weekday. You'll be busy. I can't even start a convo even if you're having hols or weekends. Should I even wish you on your birthday? Should I talk to you at all?

Well I have a strong feeling that I'm gonna die young. I guess I won't get to say goodbye. I'll leave without you knowing. That'd be great for you.

I wish I can become a ghost. I'll stare at you when you study. I won't move anything so you won't feel my presence. I won't haunt you, maybe I'll just kiss you gently when you're asleep.

But if I don't die young, I guess I'll really stop bothering you. I'll talk to you, after... four years. I wish we can be friends at that time.

I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for betraying me. I hate you for being a fucking liar.

But I hate you because I love you.

I have a huge headache. I have extreme crazy stomach cramp& diarrhea since morning. Back ache. Everything ache.

Almost like dying.... maybe that's why I miss jw. So much.

He wants me back, in my dreams

I had a dream. It was you. You wanted me back. You appeared in front of me, and we had awesome conversation. So I took a chance. I pecked on your cheek. You did not avoid me. Instead, you hugged me tight, and said let's start all over. I was crying in the dream. I can't believe it happened. I tried to walk away because I knew you were lying. You said, don't go. Please don't go. I'm sorry that I left you. Let me fix that. We held hands. You kissed me hard, like you used to.

And you were gone when I woke up.

I wish I can die, right now. I hate this reality where I can't be with you. I hate this world that whatever I do is wrong.

I want to dream of you still wanting us, I wanna live in that dream. Doesn't matter if top kept spinning. Doesn't matter if I died. As long as I'm happy in that dream.

How could you

Walking in the dark

I'm actually scared. Imagine walking alone, with your both hands full, on the corridor, while the lights are flickering. It's dark, cold and quiet.

Guitar camp, I'm back to wash up.
The performance went well, not too bad, just slight mistakes.

Maybe camp schedule isn't packed enough. I have free time to overthink. And guess what?
I'm screwed, wherever I go.

I think the worst thing is still that sudden headache.
Wait. It's not sudden. It's occasionally here.
._. Maybe I need badminton.

Holidays

So. As an SPM leaver, I'm so fucking free. But I'm so fucking busy. Since the day Chinese finished, there's never a day free. (Oh wait there was, just monday.) If I put up a photo on fb each time I go out, people would think *this person is having fun everyday*. Having fun is tiring. But my mind is almost fully occupied all the time. Target achieved. Gosh. Too much things to cope. Maybe self torturing is really my violent nature.

I kinda got it.
I look too happy, right? Maybe that's why he's treating me more and more like shit. Cuz I look like I've replaced him, and found a way to live without him, more happily.

I'm looking for a job. I'm going to many places. This is the first time, being so broke when single. Hoho. I'm fucking broke. But I think they'd want me.

When we were together, I remember you worrying me having temptations. I guess the only thing that could make me change my mind, are books. Books are temptations. Lmao. So fucking broke, because I bought a book I've been waiting for months. (I accidentally bought a trilogy that weren't fully published yet at that time) I feel bad. So I'm selling books, I'm finding myself a job, fully utilizing the time I have, no rest, no chill, no time for overthinking, no time for ruining my day for a guy.

There are a few shops that my close relative/friends are the head department/founder. It's super cool. It's like I'm at the advantage side, but Idk why, I walked in like a normal person, not using social relations to get the job. I guess that's more fair. And better to show that potential. People asked, why did I not go for my dad's company? Because the staff know me. They'd do the things themselves, and I'm gonna lose that chance to learn.

"Did you tell them the boss promoted you that job?"
"No, why?"
"Because you would have higher chance of getting selected."
"Ah. Hell."

Oh besides that. I had an opportunity. To sing to earn. It's so fucking awesome! Imagine this shit. One fucking hour, 70bucks. (Tho there are practices.) It's Christmas Carolling. The only job we could actually have some fun while earning.

Poem

Ah next time I see meaningful stuff I'll just paste them here. Will credit the author anyway.

The moment
I exposed
My wounds to you,
You pushed them away
In a hurry

Vulnerability was such
An ugly color on me to you
The murkiest shade of blue

I watched the sun rise
Before my eyes,
Catch fire to all that we desired
And quickly be consumed
In the fumes

Not knowing that love too,
Could suffocate me

This once vibrant
Entanglement
Found itself fading
To gray the minute
You walked away

Now you're the moon
That chills my bones
And I am still drawn
Into you like waves

A longing for you
That I cannot quite explain
You follow me wherever I go

~ A Detailed Mind - Poems by Sara McKown

Drown.

Tomorrow I'm going to a water park. And now, these blood sucking monsters are eating me. How awesome!

I remember asking. What if, I drowned, and you're the only one around? He replied, it won't happen. We'll stay away from water, any water. Maybe when you drowned, you'll be afraid of water, you'll have an extreme phobia.

Well, you drowned me. Kinda. I should have a you-phobia. Since you knew, I'm sure you will not quit badminton. At least not so soon.

I wonder. If I don't say "Would you stay with me when I wait for my transport?" Will you volunteerily stay? Let's try this out, next next week. I guess.

I used to drown the shitty thoughts by sleeping, sleep it off. But now those damn things had learnt to swim. Shitty thoughts became dreams, they haunt me, awake or asleep.

Well. I will not drown. I can swim. Lmao xD
Sometimes it's good to avoid shits that hurt you. But maybe it's much better if you learn how to deal with it, so they hurt you no more. Those damn things learnt to swim, you can too.

Let us not drown anymore.

Self intro.

Let's self intro. I'm yh. XD
And I'm gonna call nicknames for everyone I mention in the entries. Let's keep this mysterious. 😄

Pisces, 17, spm leaver. I play a few instruments, I like bio, I like.... reading, badminton, etc etc. Most of my friends are fruits. I might change a bit, compare to the way I named them in my old blog.

Actually I think it's pointless creating a new blog since I'm gonna draft 90% of the entries.... however. I'll just post a little, whenever I feel like sharing some random thoughts. :3 (It won't be entertaining.)

So....yeah.
Someone said the background looks better :3 😂 thanks.

I'm gonna be a college girl~~
Yeahhh

Happy B'day.

So. I'm done "reconstructing" this blog. Removed all the previous old shits including drafts etc. I guess sometimes people should be a little bit more selfish. Does 'not mistreating myself' count as selfish act? (I think it does) Well. So...... yeah.

I can't take him anymore.So,, Happy birthday to this blog!