.

It's a day holiday because of labour day. I'm tidying my room. Throwing many many stuff, figuring ways to make everything nice.

And when it's all done, it's not done. I'm still fucking annoyed. Annoyed at the fact this is not what I wanted. This is not what I planned. What can't be fixed that has to be solved by getting rid of it? What can't be solved by making the situation okay, by staying strong and thinking solutions?

When they did mistakes. When your dog broke your vase twice, do you kill it? When your kids didn't do homework thrice, do you throw them to the orphanage? When your grandparents repeat the same thing a thousand times, do you put them to the old folks? When your man comes home drunk and shouting time to time because he was stress from work, do you divorce him? When your girl gets crazy from her killing cramps, do you break up with her?

When you hit your dog for breaking your vase, he will still love you unconditionally. When you cane your children, they might hate you for five minutes but they know you love them and they love you too. When your grandparents got an attitude from you, they forget, and still remind you to have your lunch, your dinner, and will never forget to feed you fat, to see you full. When he did that time to time, you know his pain and you swallow that pain he gave too, because you love him, and you know he loves you. But...... maybe you're wrong.

Don't everyone make mistakes? 

This is not what I planned.

She knows your stress won't end. She's ready to adapt and let that go, because she knows you didn't mean to get drunk and be mean. She knows you're her everything and she's willing to, tolerate whenever you get drunk. But there are times that she is drunk, sad, and painful. She needs you to be sober to forgive her, and go through that shit with her. She needs you to hug her tight and support her, not divorce her. Even after you divorced her, she'd be waiting for you to reach her.

She'd be sad and drunk and dying, daily, all the time. She regrets for being drunk at that time. She regrets of being drunk she's doing almost everything and anything that could prevent herself from being drunk in the future. She's doing everything. And she doesn't know where you are. She misses you, your touch, your voice, your arms. She misses your everything. She wants you back.

She wants to fix all this shit. She wants to die. She's tired. She's scared, that a mistake like that caused you to let go of her completely. She's scared she can't make it forever. She doesn't know what to do.

It's like hell.

She knows you were tired and stressed, and still are now, and will be too in the future. She'll always be waiting for the day you be okay. She'll be waiting and in that period she'll die so many times, but it's okay. Because she'll adapt and get better when waiting. But you have to remember that she's still waiting.

A day felt like years. I'm immune to death.