.

Have you ever woke up in a shit form, with your eyes, head entire body aching. Then you walk up to the mirror and change up, but notice how big the mess you're in. It doesn't matter how neat I'm wearing, acting. It's just a mess. Then you smile. Oh this is the smile they see, when I smile in the middle of shit mess.

Suddenly you're relieved. You're relieved you sat at the corner. You're relieved only one guy talked to you to break the ice. You're relieved it was so dark, he couldn't see how shit you were. How you just held it in. You're relieved mom fetched your sister for you so you don't have to face people. You don't have to wonder if they see your hundred percent post breakdown face.

I have training afterwards. Then, some plans after training. I'm actually worried. Arrogant wasn't observant. I don't think he notices the shits back two years. Or maybe he just pretended to not know? He talked to me yesterday. So I'm worried. Worried too, bout the little plan with Moon. After some incidents I guess I know how much I like him. I do like him. I guess suppressing it made me this mess. But I must. Isn't it? It's so funny how hard you hold back, you start to doubt the existence of that feeling. It's so funny I forcefully not let myself trust or hope, to the point where I don't even know if I hope. Do I? I do. It's a long way for me to find it out. It's like shit knowing the final answer. Cuz I don't wanna face it. I don't want to like him. It just tells me "Ha you never learn."

I do like you. But I don't expect much. I guess I don't expect it to last or anything. If it didn't end. If I get better, less negative, I'll be very thankful. Just if. But if it ends, I'm ready. I'm always ready for that.