I remember I gave you access to my account. Yeah you have access for everything I registered. I thought that was my old blog. I never knew. Yeah. I thought you left forever. I kept track. I checked my blog views once a while, I want to know. I even told yip man to not read it for some time, just to see if the view increases, forgetting the fact that you could just log in and read without leaving any tracks. I couldn't believe it. How can someone do that? Just stand there and watch me burn. Is it alright? Or you just love to see the way I die?
So many questions, doubts. You've seen me struggle inside? Those drafts. I get aggressive. I scold you madly, then take it back. I take back aggressive posts. I talk to myself inside. I just draft and didn't post. You seen them all? You've seen how I conflicted my own thoughts? One day I be like "I gave up on you." An hour later I be like "No you must be too busy, and I was annoying." Then I gave up again, and made excuses for you again. So ironic. Paradox. Fuck my life. You fucked my thoughts. I'm like a damaged robot. Knowing what to do but doing stupid things repeatedly. I am fixable. But with you returning once awhile, you give me a knock. I go crazy again.
Did I said that in my blog? You were the crush that crushed me. Did I said that? If I die young, I want my parents to not blame you? What else have you seen? Did you see when I drafted about killing myself? Are you sure you've been reading everything? How could you not say anything?
Let's just fuck the past. Fuck everything. It doesn't matter anymore right. I'm surviving anyway. I'm here. Apologize, for what? After reading all my thoughts, do you still think we can go back to how it used to be? I probably have permanent humanphobic. Can you see the doubts I had towards moon? Because of you! One day, "You will be my first and my last." The other day, "Fuck off." Without any other words. I don't even know how a person could change so much in such short time. "I like you very very much" would turn to "Leave." It was my fault. I made you want me to fuck off. Then, I fucked off. And you want me back ? What am I? Do you think it's okay to crush and heal?
I will never want you back. You changed, a lot. I feel the warmth in you. The old feel. But No. I changed too. I'm afraid of you. You made me something so scary. Idk what I've become. You could make me not me anymore, and I was so okay with it. It's not gonna happen anymore. Just let me go. I gave my hundred percent, and you threw it back in my face. Guess what? You can be a little happy. I don't think I'll give a hundred percent to anyone else. I'll give maybe ten percent. Twenty, thirty percent. There'll always be doubts, insecurities. Insecurities aren't so bad. They save us from lots of bullshit. People come and go. With huge amount of insecure, we know. Deep down, we know they will leave one day, cuz everything's just this temporary. One day, they leave, and we'll be okay. Same to you, wood. You want me back. But that's just temporary. I said I would wait for you forever. That was temporary too. I am temporary too. There are no exceptions.
The difference between us, was I told you. I gave you direct answers. You read from my thoughts. You didn't have to go through so much of questioning like what I went through. Isn't it good? I saved so much of your time. So go ahead and find another girl. Find a girl who hasn't has her first love yet. She would give you her 100%. She would have a pure heart, and want to do everything to satisfy you, to make you happy. But don't expect too much, voice your thoughts. Voice it all the time. You'll find that girl. It's so much better than wanting me back. Cuz I will look at you like you would leave any time. You can't hurt a heartless person. When one has no hope. You can say anything to me, how sorry you were. But I'm just gonna look at you and imagine how bad things could go. How prepared I must be, to face the day you leave again. Second chances are stupid. That's why you didn't want me back. It's the same thing. You changed. But in the process, I made you history. You'll always be the best history I had. And that's enough. You're the past. So don't come back.
So many questions, doubts. You've seen me struggle inside? Those drafts. I get aggressive. I scold you madly, then take it back. I take back aggressive posts. I talk to myself inside. I just draft and didn't post. You seen them all? You've seen how I conflicted my own thoughts? One day I be like "I gave up on you." An hour later I be like "No you must be too busy, and I was annoying." Then I gave up again, and made excuses for you again. So ironic. Paradox. Fuck my life. You fucked my thoughts. I'm like a damaged robot. Knowing what to do but doing stupid things repeatedly. I am fixable. But with you returning once awhile, you give me a knock. I go crazy again.
Did I said that in my blog? You were the crush that crushed me. Did I said that? If I die young, I want my parents to not blame you? What else have you seen? Did you see when I drafted about killing myself? Are you sure you've been reading everything? How could you not say anything?
Let's just fuck the past. Fuck everything. It doesn't matter anymore right. I'm surviving anyway. I'm here. Apologize, for what? After reading all my thoughts, do you still think we can go back to how it used to be? I probably have permanent humanphobic. Can you see the doubts I had towards moon? Because of you! One day, "You will be my first and my last." The other day, "Fuck off." Without any other words. I don't even know how a person could change so much in such short time. "I like you very very much" would turn to "Leave." It was my fault. I made you want me to fuck off. Then, I fucked off. And you want me back ? What am I? Do you think it's okay to crush and heal?
I will never want you back. You changed, a lot. I feel the warmth in you. The old feel. But No. I changed too. I'm afraid of you. You made me something so scary. Idk what I've become. You could make me not me anymore, and I was so okay with it. It's not gonna happen anymore. Just let me go. I gave my hundred percent, and you threw it back in my face. Guess what? You can be a little happy. I don't think I'll give a hundred percent to anyone else. I'll give maybe ten percent. Twenty, thirty percent. There'll always be doubts, insecurities. Insecurities aren't so bad. They save us from lots of bullshit. People come and go. With huge amount of insecure, we know. Deep down, we know they will leave one day, cuz everything's just this temporary. One day, they leave, and we'll be okay. Same to you, wood. You want me back. But that's just temporary. I said I would wait for you forever. That was temporary too. I am temporary too. There are no exceptions.
The difference between us, was I told you. I gave you direct answers. You read from my thoughts. You didn't have to go through so much of questioning like what I went through. Isn't it good? I saved so much of your time. So go ahead and find another girl. Find a girl who hasn't has her first love yet. She would give you her 100%. She would have a pure heart, and want to do everything to satisfy you, to make you happy. But don't expect too much, voice your thoughts. Voice it all the time. You'll find that girl. It's so much better than wanting me back. Cuz I will look at you like you would leave any time. You can't hurt a heartless person. When one has no hope. You can say anything to me, how sorry you were. But I'm just gonna look at you and imagine how bad things could go. How prepared I must be, to face the day you leave again. Second chances are stupid. That's why you didn't want me back. It's the same thing. You changed. But in the process, I made you history. You'll always be the best history I had. And that's enough. You're the past. So don't come back.
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