.

Let your mind go blank. He said.

I don't think I can ever let it blank. It's almost completely occupied all the time. It's full of shits. Stuff I want to do but couldn't do, stuff that are coming in less than two months but I'm not ready yet. In two months time we're having A2. We hasn't complete our syllabus yet. My notes aren't done. I hasn't crazily spammed past year papers yet. I think there's some badminton competition coming up but I play like shit. My guitar exam's coming up too shrotly after A2. There's so many things. There's so many things I think maybe I shouldn't go here. I shouldn't go there. I should cancel them all. I should stop talking to people, cuz people come up with different things.

One day you be like I want to stay single forever the next day one guy appears and make you doubt and doubt. Pressures you out. He climbs up to your prioity. And you just have to do anything and everything. You have to say yes. You want to say yes, and there's nothing anyone can do. At the end you screw up again. You want freedom but here goes the cycle. You gave away your power to do anything you want. You gave away the power to do anything and feel awesome about it. There was once, I got it back. I was enjoying it. It's not about what you did. It's what you think.

I don't want him. I don't want to screw myself up because of someone anymore. Still, it happened. You can ask me out. I can think about all those shits I hasnt done, and I'd say yes, let's go. Why not. I'd say yes. I'm gonna make you live life, I'm just a companion. I accompany you. I don't change your decisions. You don't change yours just for me. You don't make my presence cause difference. Is that a bad thing? What's wrong about that? Ive seen a boy following his crush to Aussie. He screwed up, cuz he couldn't do well there. At the end, he gave up on her. Look, you invest feelings in a person, you'd screw up. I don't want you to be like that boy. I don't want you to be like me. I have no confidence in relationshits. It's not your fault or anything. The past told me do not. Do not believe in feelings cuz they change. The past told me, everyone's just temporary. You have friends with relationship for four years, plus plus. Good for you. But can you understand me? No. I couldn't be with anyone. I screw myself up. Look what's with me. I can't even explain myself. I'm just screwed. I did what's best for you. I don't want to spend your money, cuz I'm nothing.

I'm nothing at all, one day I will leave. I really can't. It's so hard. Moon. Life's making me stressed out. You too, even tho you didn't do anything. You were good to me. You want to make my life better. You want to heal me. Yes you did, you did made me feel better. At the same time, it stresses me out how much burden I'm going to give you. I'm not the one you want. I'm not the one that can make your life better. I screw up everything, everytime. I'm depressed. I'm full of shit. I think so much i exhaust myself to death. I can't stop it all. I told you one day you can't take my bullshit. You insisted that everything would be ok.

And look. What's wrong ? What's wrong with us? It's wrong when I want you to think for yourself what would you do without my presence. It's wrong, being specific and always taking count? It's what I ate and what I drank. Is it wrong to not let you pay for me? Is it wrong to save up for you because it's my responsibilities? It's my life. I gotta make sure I can survive my life alone. I will not expect you to stay. You gotta understand that right? You can't make me a spoilt brat. You can't make me accept a hundred percent of care you give. you care, I appreciate. I really do. But up to one point, I want to take care of myself. I want to get use to my own habit of being alone. What's wrong with that?

It's my fault for not letting you in. Your reaction was normal. You should've been like that since long ago. I wonder how long you've kept it in. Lose yourself. Voice out. Talk about what you hate. Don't keep it in. When you regret, when you're so exhausted, you leave. They say,if you don't open the doors, one day they'll eventually stop knocking. No matter how much things you have towards me, you'll stop. You'll leave. That's truth and I knew it all along, it's not an assumption. It's the truth. People change, people go. You'll leave, and it's my fault. My fault for not letting you in. My fault for pushing you away each time you gave all your concerns, everything.

I have lots of shits in my head. Wood talked to me. He didn't cause any chaos, cuz I wasn't affected much. I ignored him. I duno what's right and what's wrong. When I liked seaweed, he didn't like me back. We both were clear about each other's feelings. He treated me with care, and full of respect even when he didn't like me back. Wood was like shit after we broke up. Then he wanted me back. So he was again soft. Who was right? The soft, or the hard way? When you make someone leave using the soft way, they still hope. And when you use the hard way, you broke them, but it shatters hope. Which one is right? There's no right or wrong. Wood wasn't right. He probably hated how he used to be. He made me, me. He made me this me that I'm so... Dead.

What are you going for, moon? I'm heartless. I feel alone even when you're with me. I feel alone even when people are talking to me. It's not your fault. It's my fault. I didn't let you in. I was trying, I swear. I swear, it sucks. It sucks when doing everything seems wrong. It's like wow wood dumped me, finally I'm alone. Finally, when I think I got over him, you dived in my life, making whatever I do wrong again. Why ? Why do I have to let you do everything? I'm so tired.

Why am I so quiet? You have no idea how much voices are inside my head. So much noise.

It scares me seeing you emo.
You never seen me emo.
So if 10 is the worst, how bad is it you're being?
I don't know.
Half? 5?
Probably.

I'm very sorry for making that atmosphere so cold. Idk what I can say. Idk what I wanna say. It's just. I'm tired.