The people who actually know me slightly better, don't know me at all. Does it sound conflicting ? I'm quite envied by these peeps. They see me maintaining Dean's list, at the same time having a large network in the baddy world, music world, with crazy amount of night life.

What they don't see is the suffer. Struggles to finish all the assignment before deadlines, struggles to write good reports and journals to get a better mark, struggles to keep all studies up to date so I don't ruin my cGPA. Struggles to go back and forth from north to south, the time spent, the exhaustion. How tired that is, saying "I'm on" for each baddy session, the amount of injure in the bad bad arm. Night life ? I don't even have that anymore. Just that my tolerance slightly remained. They don't see the bad immune system whichs gotten me sick and infected here and there so much frequent than it used to be. I'd obviously face these because of how greedy I am.

I love spending time doing something adventurous. I will not stick to one activity till the end. No matter how cautious I am towards any single male who's treating me slightly better, I go out. I make friends, just not that dangerously.

What they don't see, is the alone time. How terrifying the alone time is. Even with the assignments, quizzes, journals that has to be done, I have the tendency to day dream, to overthink. I ruin my days by doing that. It's the silence that awakens the voices. It's what kept me so busy. I don't want the voices, get me?

There's nothing to be envious about. I had a lot, I lost a lot. Each time, I lose a little ability to be friendly. I lose the ability to connect. My life looks interesting eh?

It comes with a price.