Sometimes, I'm quite relieved he never officially introduced me to his friends, making his friends into my friends. I'd pass by a few, I'd pass by many. Many would recognize me, I recognize many too. Cons of having this sort of good memory. I'd give a smile, they'd smile back. I couldn't see his name anymore, but I'm pretty sure they could. They could see that he's with another girl rn, and I could see it in their eyes. The expression, trying not to be judgemental but so so curious about how I managed it.
Everything happening in the world is soooo misleading. Sometimes you hear stories about how extremely badly a person is mentally fucked up, but when you see them, they looked perfectly fine as if the thing never happened, but it actually happened. Sometimes you see your friend's life getting crazy extreme twists, you feel sorry for them, you feel sad for them. But maybe, they themselves decided to make that twist, and felt entirely happy with such decision. Sometimes you see this, it just doesn't mean this. Recently my life's like that.
I've made twists, a couple of them. I was fucked up for a couple days, and faked it until I made it. I was fucked up for a couple weeks, but nobody knew what exactly happened until recently I stupidly exposed myself. I say things that people never get. People want stories from me but they get nothing. It's funny how they asked for stories. How would you know I have stories? We're not even fb friends. That guy, omg. My sister has a big mouth.
Officially 30. Happy birthday, ck. Unfollowed. I was pretty mean in terms of these. I'm pretty mean in everything, actually. My sister said we're all good people. I have no shit clue why she said that. I don't even know myself. I know what image I presented to people. I'm not a very nice person. I'm straightforward, I don't take anyone's bullshit, I'm tired of life, I dislike people, there is no love in me. It's quite normal to have that impression, I guess. People change. I wonder why, even. There are many many times, I care about so many things, but I know, I never really showed like I care.
I removed loong's squad like we never knew each other. Does it seem heartless? I love that squad. Not even past tense. I removed my first love from all of my social media. Does it seem heartless? I loved that guy. So much. I can't even say the same thing for any other guy. Well, why. Are there any other options? I think, it's an action out of habits. Ever since him, I looked more and more heartless. I've gotten used to it.
Fake it til you make it.
Remember to never present your vulnerable side? Remember to never trust? Remember what ET turned out to be when you were real to him? Remember the consequences? Even if it means having the entire world misunderstanding your thoughts, it's the safest option. It doesn't feel good to see people wrongfully judged you. But it's actually better that way. You can appear as a fucktard meanie in front of everyone, but as long as you retain your qualities, nobody will get hurt. Never show that you care, cuz they will take advantage of that, and destroy you.
Does it sound a little negative there? It's just reality. Gosh I hope yip man doesn't read all this. It's all for myself. I don't really want you to think like how I think. My life doesn't work out right, so changes have to be made. Survival of the fittest, we gotta adapt to our environments isn't it?
You'll get hurt. You'll get depressed. Betrayed. Played. Used. Misunderstood. But no one else should know, because once they know how dumb you are, they'd come to give it a try, like you're a game. Guess ET had that mindset. So never expose yourself. Never tell your stories. Never give out that sort of trust.
I wonder why I have such thoughts during midnights. Sometimes it's quite suffocating. Cuz you know, you'll be alone. Alone is the safest. You can cry all you want, drink all you want, and nobody will touch you. Things I do vs things I advice people to do are never same.
Friend, what's wrong? Talk to someone.
Never tell your stories, the consequences could make you suffer for the rest of your life.
I'm paranoid. I'm terrified. I'm embarrassed. The voices are back, completely, and luckily they show up less frequent during the day.
Can you just forget about the "consequences" and move on?
No I can't. I can never. Does that mean I'm gonna distrust people forever?
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