Wood

"You will never see my name in your notification."

I thought so. But dear, you have no idea how frequently I'm scrolling fb, right? So frequent I couldn't believe it. I saw your name anyway. You appeared for a second, then you unliked it so quickly. Did you agree so much on my shared posts you almost forgot that you're planning to not show up in my notifications at all? I'm gonna pretend that I didn't notice that one sec reaction.

I wonder what would you think. You were different. Too shy to show up that much in front of my family. What would you think if you knew a guy friend of mine are gonna tour my family around? What would you think, if a guy friend that got invited over for dinner had his before you, a guy that left my life.

I remember the first time I met your friends. That night, you whispered to me that they think I'd be a better gf than your past ones. I was happy. Well, I wonder what you tell them now. They must be hating me more than you do. They must be taking that comment back. Your captain must be so disappointed of me.

Do I have to feel bad for treating someone so good, while deleting you in my life? Should I? Am I wrong for making someone else this happy? Should I feel guilty? Am I guilty? I knew I couldn't promise anything. I knew, once Wood's in my heart I shouldn't just... Idk what I'm doing.

Sometimes I'd regret. Regret for treating someone too nice, making someone too happy. Then what? There's nothing else I can do for him. I'll be your biggest disappointment. Maybe I'd make you accidentally invest your efforts on me. I appreciate efforts. I'd show appreciation too. But then both of us would be so happy. And shits start building in my head. I doubt. I think I'm wrong. I think being nice to each other is the first step to hell. The cycle continues, then it's unstoppable. At the end, everyone would get hurt. It'll be hard for one to walk away, but eventually one would walk away. The one walking away would either be happy with it, or maybe not. Then leaving the other, depressed. Probably. Or whatever. I'm walking towards hell. Can you get the picture? Investing efforts in each other, strengthening a bond.

Facts are, things change. People come and go. Tbh I don't think I want to be that happy. I just don't wanna get depressed anymore. To achieve that, I have to accept that everything's temporary. One day I'd just be so... So okay to lose anything. Then that day I can finally say, I'm content. I'm breathing, and that's the best thing life can give me. Nothing would affect my mood, feelings.

But someone told me that it's not a great thing, because you forget. You forget about emotions, stuff, you don't remember how to care anymore. And when you feel something, you doubt yourself. "Am I feeling it or am I believing in the idea of it?"

At the end, nothing makes sense. I can just stay as a selfish heartless human who isolate myself from everyone else, or... I can make someone else happy. And either way, I'd think that I'm not doing it right. It'll be questions, questions. Until I die. Is this how life is supposed to be?

Do you go left, where nothing's right, or would you go right, where nothing's left?