Drinking spree

It was the old people entertainment night yesterday aka mom's alumni event. It sounds better in mandarin. Nevermind. I remember asking mom, is there free flow of alcohol there ? Mom said, there will be alcohol but maybe you'd need to pay. Zzz

I wore nice. So mom told me to put make up. I put fucking blue on my eyes. But I thought it looked suitable since I was fully blue. The dress was blue. The shoes were blue. My day was always blue. Suits me! I'm starting to like eyeliner.

I was already having runny nose today. And it was so cold there. Guess what? There was free beer. I mean of course not exactly free but we already paid for it. We gotta eat up to the price we paid isn't it ? So... DRINKKK. I drank with dad.

You have no idea how satisfying my first sip of carlsberg was. So good. I almost forgotten how it's like to have carlsberg in the glass. And then my dear cousin came. I went to his table then. There were full of wine. My eyes shined.

We had wineeee. It's a happy day. But cousin can't drink. So he was completely red and started sleeping. Well that's what happens when you're tired and you drink. Am I tired? I am. I am. But when I drank, I just thought about things. Good old times...

Even tho now I'm sober up, there's still some sadness. I thought of loong. I thought of ET. The days when we were still a team. The days when ET didn't turn to demon. Thought of cinnamon. I loved that squad, a lot. Really. Why would I ruin my arm just to maintain staying in the same channel with them? I loved them. Guess they'd never know how much I appreciate their help.

My ex drove me insane. They got back my rationality. They backed me up when I was dying. Not just once... Well who'd I run to when I get myself heartbroken? ET. He used to be that kind of friend. No more, gone, gone, gone. And that's heartbreaking.

Did you know you drove me insane? Did you know why I became alcoholic? It was you, dummy. You who thought I cheated on you for the people that saved my life?? The most shitty bullshit I've ever heard of.

He talked to me about fiber.
I talked to him about my old wood.
Do you still think about her?
I had a huge teddy bear for her as a gift, but she never accepted it, so I had to look at it everyday, I had to think of her.
It was me who dumped her anyway.

It was me who dumped him too.
Do you still think of him?
Yeah.

I think I definitely have the tendency to still fall for someone else. I can be with people. But once it's midnight, or after those stupid relationships end, maybe.. the one that I think about was still the first one. Stupid me. I shouldn't even drink. I was starting to text people different kinds of stuff. Definitely not me. It was the alcohol. Ish that uncle shouldn't have poured that amount of wine into both me and my cousin's glass. I actually finished his last glass for him, cuz he definitely looked dead. I was just starting to be tipsy when we left.

I don't remember how much we drank. Two glasses carlsberg? Then a glass of white wine? Then... A few glasses of red wine? Probably three. Maybe four. I'd like to say, my tolerance went down a little. We were going from low alcohol percentage to high, so I guess it shouldn't be an issue. I can drink, anyway. It wasn't completely satisfying too, I wanted more wine. hahahahaahhah.

I miss them all.

To think of it, I have a folder full of photos. They're mostly filled with these people I used to be with. Loong squad. My ex. Why? It's like my subconscious knew that I was gonna lose them. It's like I took so many photos to get ready of the lose. Maybe all these wouldn't have happened if I never appreciate them crazily. Maybe I should just stop appreciating them crazily...

The people in the future. How exactly am I supposed to love them?

I know I sounded like I was happy when you said your arm was fucked. I wasn't happy. I love baddy, and you love baddy as much as I do. If I break my arm or leg, I'd just die. I really wasn't happy. Honestly, there was a teeny tiny part of me that wanted you back to training.

I loved being your follower, I was always concerned about your recent activities, why did I chose to unfollow you? Because it wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to follow anymore, I shouldn't know about your life anymore because I'm toxic. The way I hang onto something is toxic. So if you made your way back to training, my heart would be secretly be happy. But I'm going to be frustrated. I'll be a huge mess up. Cuz of all people, you mess me up. It's uncontrollable I think. I can't. I wish I can.

I want to make it into presidents list so you can see me during your graduation. So I can see your family, your new girl during your graduation. I hope by that time I will be matured enough to have the ability to walk up to you and say hi. And say hi to your love ones. I hope that wouldn't mess me up. It's a very casual thing to do isn't it? It's like nothing. Greeting an old long lost friend. I wish I really get onto president's list so that you see me unexpectedly. You will never believe that I became an A student.

I've changed a lot in terms of the academic aspects. Otherwise, Idk. Not a lot. I needed someone's wise words I guess. Time will make my way back to insanity. Hope I'll remember everything I've learned from loong squad. Everything's temporary, there's no exception. but it's fine and we just needa learn to let go.

I repeat. It's not your fault I have a slightly different mindset compared to when I was 16. As you can see, "When I was 16". People change. Even if I really changed a mindset because of you, I don't call that your fault. It's something essential. So thank you for that.

Hopefully last night's drinks can stop my thirst for awhile.

Change

"I have a friend who broke up with her bf many many times, but they ended up married with a child right now."
What are you gonna think when you hear such stuff? I can only say, your friend is still just 22. If they have the tendency to break so many times, it's not the end yet. Who knows. Even tho, she was hinting me another question, abt whether we still have a chance together. No.

I think my car alignment is off. Moon said, let's see. Yeah it's definitely off.
I'm really bad at cars. Idk what's wrong when something's wrong. But things I've been taught specifically by passionate peeps, that's a different story.

Lowin, do you know why your shots never go to the back? She said, no, why? Because... Imagine throwing a stone. If you wanna throw it far, you gotta move your arm to the back, then launch your shot to the front, isn't it? She said, yeah. And from that moment onwards, she hit, and she hit far. That's a fast learner. Sometimes I think, we all are supposed, and should be able to learn this fast. It's not about talent or what shit. It's how you've been taught. With patience, with passion, you learn fast. And you can even help people to learn fast. We don't have to be rude.

Now you're smiling, but I think, you have the tendency to be super fierce. Of course. I think that applies to us all. But I'm usually not fierce to people outside. They don't have a space in my life, why waste that energy?

Look at her overall shape. She's fit. Broad shoulders, and those thigh. She must be a swimmer. She was observing, then she agreed. The rest of the day we were staring at girls' legs. I said, I wanna be like these girls. Their thighs look like they can smash open a watermelon. She said, it's actually quite cool that we baddy girls have fitter shapes. She said, cham and I both have that. Our legs are bold. Ahahahah. First time getting this comment. Definitely a compliment.

Life is fine. Biotech is fine. I just gotta maintain the heart to learn. That's the attitude people like to hire isn't it ?

Sometimes I think we have different mindset. I don't think the same like my coursemates. Sometimes I don't think they can generate good reports. I arrogantly think that my reports are actually super good. Even tho I never get full marks, but my intro, my discussion, those important parts always score. I think I have the logic my lecturers are looking for. It's what they want. I get what they want. But my coursemates don't. Sometimes I don't know what they don't know. They just can't start their work without asking weird questions. I'm not saying the ipoh girls. It's the rest. At our senior batch, I think the smartest group should be boey and yen. Sometimes I look at what they do, I don't get the point. Lecturers want us to comment on our friends' work. The point? I don't think they want us to say "wow so informative, good job friend I've learned alot." Wtf was that? Pointless dumb shit. But the sheep did that. It's what they do, right ? Idk but I really can't do that kind of stuff. If I don't agree to something, I don't study. I give up on that part.

What is the cause of Antibiotic resistance? Poor hygiene, poor infection control, misuse of antibiotics, mutation. What is the cause? I repeat. They say, all. But I don't think that's the case. The cause of if we're talking abt antibiotic resistance, of course we're talking bout a specific type of bacteria which its original strain cannot tolerate any of that antibiotic. So why resistance? Cuz mutation. That's the answer isn't it. Poor hygiene and infection control are basically the same, factors that contribute to the spread, not the cause. They don't agree but they can't argue their point.

Sometimes I feel like the more I life, the more I start to be confident. I argue instead of listen and shut up while faintly knowing it doesn't seem right. I argue with facts, with proofs. Unsure? Don't agree? Ask. Find answers. Research. Honestly, this doesn't sound like me at all.

I used to be very quiet when it comes to these. Now, I think I raise my arm more than five times per week. Because I dare to speak up. It's not me. Or something's changing. I've been like this for some time isn't it? Sometimes I think I have too much of attitude. I'd gladly sleep or do unexpected things in front of the lecturers. I think I'm not very normal. I'm going mad. Gosh. I can't recognize myself. Since when did I care about my grades that much ? All my life I only care abt my ex and badminton. Now, my grades. Ahahahaha. Okay. Probably the reason I changed.

Good day

Today was a good day! I'm a a happy person today. I like everything that happened today. Life is awesome. Well it all started with a cancelled 8am class. Best of all. Another hour to sleep. Then goes finishing most of my assignments, then having two remaining chaps to study for immuno. Then lab. Gosh, lab was enjoyable. I thought I hated micro lab. Now I don't even want it to end. It's the best lab. Playing with bacteria is enjoyable. Playing with dilutions, and understanding every step is awesome. Just me and yoc was doing it all, but still it's so fun. Lab ended early tho. I really like lalita. I know, sometimes I'm like a kid losing focus at the half end of the lecture. Micro bores me really. But it's fun when it goes to practical. It's even fun when lalita is the lecturer. The boys in front had their alcohol burning. It's not something you get to see everyday. A flame in the beaker, on the liquid. Coooool.

The ipoh girls waited for me. I love them. I'm starting to love them more and more. Well, they supported me till the end. I'll always remember that. I'll remember everyone who supported me till the end. It was early but we were hungry. So I said let's monopoly and eat ice cream. I think my suggestions are always the best, they agreed and we went happily. Yoc sent me our journal marks. I got one mark deducted from the journal. I'm so fucking happy. From having a C grade, improving to an unstable A, then now, almost full mark. If I didn't get confused at the nine mark question, my test1 could've been good. I'd top the girls. Haaha. But now, our marks are pretty much almost the same. I like how lalita said many failed. She's so worried about us. But we passed stably, so I think we should be able to ace it.

Frost bite was having coffee flavor. It was sooooo good. Better than mint. Holy cow. I love frost bite. We played one chess match because the monopoly was taken. How sad. But I guess the Ipoh girls can't play chess. I thought I sucked. But I'm gonna arrogantly say that I'm probably good at chinese chess. So they can't beat me cuz I used the same strategies, while having a clear view of what's happening in each step. Life is good when menshoe texted me. I said yes. We ate dinner for the second round, damn, mamak is the best budget food around.

Winner came to fetch us all, since jon snow, menshoe and I live in inti hostel. I kinda like him, not that like. So when jon came in I told him about the physio visit. He was like what exercise did she get you, winner was like wow three years issue, perfect. Meanie. I like how safe winner drives. Sooo relaxing, unlike me. Gosh. Need to be like that boi. I think winner's a bit shy, but when you know him better he'd be mischievous and completely sarcastic, not in a bad way. It's better when they're true to you.

I think I'm starting to trust menshoe. Kinda told her why I started baddy, and why I ruined my arm. It's a long story, but she had her conclusion. She said I'm very much of a good type of friend. Lol. I had hard times. We all have hard times, we learn, we grow. I'm like everything is temporary. She's like gosh it's depressing. No it's not, start enjoying the nows.

The steps were all there, but my entire body wasn't really satisfying. I refrained myself from lobbing and smashing, as the therapist adviced. So in the two hours, no lobs no smashes. Can you imagine how hard it is? It was hard. But my arm didn't hurt almost completely. There were one or two shots that accidentally hurt my arm. Heh. It was probably fine. So not satisfying to play baddy this way.

Do you rather play it this way for awhile, or can't play at all in the future ??? The winner is the winner. I need to be scolded. Well he didn't really scold. But it's a reminder. I didn't need it tho. Baddy is my life. It's more important than anyone can imagine, so I'd automatically do anything for baddy. Even if it means saying goodbye to certain people.

Physio clinic

I went for my appointment. I honestly told the girl that another guy did tried to treat me and then I didn't have enough determination. So yeah but I think the treatment shouldn't be completely the same so here I am.

So I told her a quite specific history about when it all went wrong, when it went super bad.. she did some examinations... Guess what, something I couldn't do at all. Arm raised parallel to the body at 90 degrees, thumb pointing downwards. I completely couldn't move up against resistance. And it was baaaaad.

It's quite specific, what she said. I guess physio people enjoy giving loads of exercises. At least she knows what she's doing. It's actually showing me that there is a possibility of recovering, given the patient doesn't lose patience. Given that I don't lose my patience. It's gonna be a tough challenge. But for badminton. At least she didn't tell me to completely rest, just avoid smashing and lobbing since it's what hurts the arm. Good, I can start working hard on my wrist when trying to recover the arm.

I know. I should've listened, maintained the exercises to strengthen that stupid piece of muscle. She said, it could've started with a small pull, a tear. Or whatever, which was supposed to be able to recover by itself, but I did not rest. So my arm starts compensating by using other muscles to perform whatever I needed to do. Ending up that injured piece of muscle didn't work, and I didn't use it, so it's this bad right now. Makes a lot of sense. He said that too I think? Something like that.

I like how I understand a few terms she used. Sometimes she tried to use the layman term while I understood the scientific term. Scientific terms rule. We good. Gonna learn more everyday. Life is good. I just have to fix my arm, for it to be perfect.

Oh small update for today.
I accidentally accepted a DJ from fb. I don't even know who the hell he was, I accepted. So he texted me a little and asked whether he could date me. Hilarious. Then I kinda made him get lost when I said "I'm interested in girls". HAHAHAAH. It's really fun. Oh my god. I need to do this more often. He actually believed me???? DJ guy. Probably a super dry alcoholic shit person like ET. Boys like to play, we gotta play along isn't it?

Life's good. Be happy. Stop being impatient.

Sometimes I really hate my memory in people. My memory in the things I want to remember, things I don't want to let go. I can forget everything so easily. But I can't forget. So conflicting eh?

I saw the soft epilogue post from three years back. We broke up three years ago, around this period. Honestly I have no time to be sentimental about stuff. But it's almost 12. Can you believe it ? Three years. Let's just say, only the first nine months counted. Cuz I always thought the second time, you must be on some crack deciding to come back, since you were so much shittier the second time. We had known each other for like five years. Such a long time. I never regret any sec. It's been a crazy nine months. I'm glad we stopped back then, my fist would've been broken, maybe I've suicided if we didn't stop. Maybe I'd become a totally different person from now, and that thought of different scares me. I don't call myself a happy person. But back then, I was probably fucked up daily. Lucky I didn't develop mental problems and stopped being sane. Lucky we stopped, really. Always thankful for us to be us. It wasn't the best nine months, it was also the best nine months. Conflicting eh? We had ups and downs, that's normal. Back then I held tight. I always thought, you could make me the happiest person in the world, at the same time, the most depressed person in the world. Maybe you're not that toxic after all, it's just the way I live is toxic. The way I appreciate people.

I'm gonna admit. I fucked up my arm because I was sad. I needed to go out a lot. And when people realize how much I like baddy, they ask me out for baddy, a lot. I never rejected. I went, despite how tired I was. I needed to distract myself. That was the first year I think? But slowly, I became better. I had wise friends with wise advices. Those friends that are no longer friends. I begin to accept something realistic but sad. Everything, everyone is temporary. So I tried to appreciate these people. I know them tru baddy, means I maintain them tru baddy. The following years, I played that much because I wanted to be with those people. I loved them a lot. Loong squad. They cared.
You can conclude that I'm a fucking dumbass. I ruined my arm because of my first bf. I further ruined my arm because of some temporary people that healed my shitty mental state. My arm is almost completely ruined, but now I'm not sad anymore. Now, I don't have that kind of friends I want to maintain anymore. I have, actually. But I don't mind anymore. Lavana squad wasn't the same as loong squad. Loong squad did a lot for me when they found out I was fucked up. Lavana squad.... Kon is beginning to talk weird. It's good that I stay away for awhile. Never fall in love when it comes to baddy squad. Never let that happen to kon. It happened within loong squad and now it's gone. It happened to my first bf and now it's gone. Life is still fine... 

Busy busy

Life is so tiring. I got myself scheduled on fixing my arm. I made my decision to quit lavana squad.

Today dr cheng was saying, our test 2 is on next Tuesday. The flying fuck. I wasn't prepared at all. But I guess I expected this weeks ago, so I did have at least 30% prepared before the competition. So i have like 70% notes to go. Two more reports.

I really really will die from high blood pressure. Or maybe, a heart attack. Or fucking stroke. Fuck. These days my patience is going down like negative. It's really really bad. I always hated the printer. But yesterday I whacked it along with my laptop. Trust me I flipped. All the cars on the road appeared to be complete idiots. Do they know where is the accelerator? I doubt. My coursemates. Holy. I'm starting to get impatient with teho. Fuck the nicknames, I can't remember. His English is making my eyeroll stay there forever. I can die. He could do journals no problem. But he has no direction. He can't generate aims. What the hell. If you do an experiment but couldn't generate aims, why the fuck did you do. How did you do without an aim? These people make no sense. Cini was worse. I thought she's normal. No she's not. She's possibly the worst. Mifa has good English but his words are almost complete bullshit. Of course we bullshit, but we have to bullshit to achieve the aim right???? These people. Oh my god. I can't trust them with my marks. I literally quit group works. I can say I forced them to upload it into the group so that I could do some modifications. Never trust anyone. I can't believe they intended to submit what they uploaded. If I can't even understand your discussion, how do you expect the lecturers to understand????

Holy sheet I'm so done. But honestly, at least they do help a little. Like 5%. They get a nice start, but I clean up their mess. Life is fucking shit. Thankfully BC is not ongoing this week. But the boys might play outside. Good thing jon snow is starting to remember me, he asks me along. He knows who the baddy addicts are. But he also knows how bad my arm is currently. Haahah. Who can say no to baddy??? No such person. Even the Ipoh girls are having the urge to play. I made it sound too fun I guess. It is fun. Heh.

I'll finish all the work today even if it means no sleeping. Sleep is for the weak. Remember, I gotta maintain the grades, and social, and baddy. All at once. What is time management? I can confirm I suck at that. Fortunately I'm single. Being with someone definitely gets me this frustrated every sec.

Last lavana

Salty fish's boy was so annoying. Kept teasing kon and I. But the thing is, I don't wanna accept it. Yes I'll admit, I once felt he had something towards me but then I think it should be reasonable that he might not have that too. Friends can be friendly. I'm friendly, to everyone.

Today I invited nicsman along. Gosh, so long time no see. He said he has a competition coming up. So he was literally crazy. He played singles style when we were actually playing mixed. He knew my positioning logic. So as long as he never lift or lob, I'd be in front. And guess what, I stayed in front the whole time. It's basically equivalent to two vs one. Fucking tiring. I'm actually a little worried. Crazy people will get hurt. Or they succeed. Haha.

Crazy guy. Nicsman is crazy.

So I've made my decision. Last time going for double session. Friends will be friends. If we end, we end. It's just life, we can't be too greedy. We hurt ourselves in the end. So gotta let go. I was an idiot for appreciating people the wrong way. Same goes my ex. Same goes loong squad. It all became toxic. Let's just make sure they're healthy peeps. Or I can say, let's make sure the way I spend time with them are healthy.

I asked sob. Do you think kon likes me? He said, yeah. But he said, maybe not tho. We don't know. He said, he once thought kon likes my sister. Now, me. What. I wish he's just friendly. Like I said, no romance allowed in baddy, cuz baddy squads are more important. Baddy squads stay forever, but love doesn't. Love kills the squad. It happened like... So many times. We should start learning.

Life is fine. I have two more years to work on my champion. Nicsman gives good advices. He said, I'm at this level now. I should start predicting my opponents' next shots. Planning, in each shot. My arm is injured. So maybe it's time to train my wrist to become super strong. Yup it's another way. He's motivation. But still I gotta fix my arm. Too many daily activities affected. Now, each smash, or each lob hurts. Each. Yes. I'm actually a little scared to hit high shots. I'm actually more worried that I might be scared of hitting these high shots, so that even if my arm's recovered, I can't play like how I used to play. It'll be disaster. I'll have to... Idk.

Yes I have a choice. You have a choice too. My arm's like it's broken. Meanwhile, I'll train my stamina, abs, legs. Anything. To win that fucking champion. Heh. I have lust. Yes. It's wrong. But just once, I wanna prove it to myself. To people. I can have zero supporters. But I'll put maximum effort. I'm not hopeless, you're hopeless for thinking someone could be hopeless. I'll live life the best way.

I remember there was a super long time whenever I wasn't happy, I'd scroll fb, spamming likes and shares. I'd like the videos I didn't even watch. I'd just spam until I see something relatable. It was a damn weird habit. I guess I reduced doing that.

Now it's more towards blog. Blog whenever and wherever. Or mostly, snapchat. There used to be this difference between sc and ig stories. We could put more words in ig stories back then, so if I have long rants abt random shits I could use that. And slightly personal stuff I'd use sc. So some of them said I have crazy rage hahaahaha just cuz they know me better from sc. But now I think both are the same. Just ig stories give better quality photos. And stupid sc starts having the snapshot sound, making me unable to snap silently. I guess that's why I started losing streaks. I can't snap in class.

It's 3am and trust me I didn't want to do this. I had a nap five hours ago and was expecting to wake like four hours ago. My bad. But imma free soul. I remember the times I'd get scolded for taking night naps. It wasn't even from my parents. Who has the right to lecture me? No one. Fuck off.

All is well. I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging. Well, it's late. I don't text people anymore. I mean. Idk. Something's def wrong with me. I'm a little off. I'm always grumpy. I didn't want that. I'm so sorry everyone. I seen people's chats and ignore. Or sometimes I just reply irrelevant shits that hope they just shut up. I'm a little harder to be with already. Cuz anyone can piss me off without doing anything. Just be curious, a little annoying and I'd start being ugh go away.

However, weird that there's few people who remained texting me frequently. And usually when that happens, I'd repel!! ABORT MISSION. What do they want? First thought forever. Are they over thinking? Yes? Don't reply. Yup I'm that mean. Don't even consider what kind of person they are. People will always be evil. They'll appear Nice. It's the scariest when they appear nice, you fall into the trap and die forever. Look at me.

I'm so tired. I have so much things to do and I'm sitting here don't know doing what shit. I just don't wanna get to the main stuff. I wanna badminton, but badminton hurts my arm. Oh my. Know how bad it is right now? It's the worst it's been. My arm's never been this bad. About four days rest and it was like fucking shit when lobbing. My arm can't lift anything anymore. I mean, that specific angle. It has trouble lifting itself, just the damn arm.

Yes I have a choice. I know. So I'd do something now since I'm super busy, and the mph is also super busy. Weekdays will be rest days. Other days, I had it planned. I'm going to run on weekly Wednesdays, I think. Maybe other days too. Maybe do some ab and thigh exercises, I'll just leave my arm to rest a little. Training goes on. I'd tell coach I have an arm issue and I'm fixing on it, so hopefully he trains me without having me stressing on the arm. Maybe we can focus on wrist and footworks. Cuz last time I remember it was completely fine when I stroked with menshoe just using my wrist. Honestly my wrist definitely felt stronger than before. Lobbing with wrist? Definitely stronger. But coach knows my arm issue. Haha. He's the best. I might as well fall in love with coach so that love dies forever. It's not possible tho. A different kind of love. More like admire.

Ok I think I'll try to sleep ffs.

Things we do for love.
We wait.

I spent so much effort on making myself hate the guy. People might think, wow you're strong. That's a crazy amount of hate. But you know it well in your mind, do you really hate ? Still trying..

Fake it till you make it. Is that even a thing? It's still not working for me. It's been so long. There are people after me. Usually when you think they like you, it's not overthinking. Unless you think the entire world has a crush on you. You think you like them too? It's usually just something to keep your head occupied.

Maybe it's true.

Licky asked me out. I was usually busy. Well duh, my weekends have to be pre-booked. I'm never free on weekends. So he failed. He has no determination.
Kon asked me out. He knows I'm busy. He even named a movie. And guess what? I watched it with my yip man today. I'm so sorry kon. I have my priorities straight.

I remember a period I used to reserve movies for him. Even when we weren't together, I reserved. I'd watch less popular movies because he might ask me out for that one. Dummy.

I'm completely problematic.
It all starts at 12am no kidding.

We had a lot I guess. It's not easy to forget. Five years friendship, including the time together. They just said upstairs, and I'd spot him just by one glance. Honestly sometimes I wonder. If they didn't tell me, would I notice ?

Yes, I would.

Rehab

So yesterday I went baddy with the committees and their squad. It was... Pretty sad. Every single lob at the front was sooooo fucked up. So painful. Oh my gosh. To the point I had to stroke with menshoe. When I stroked with her, it was painless, because I used wrist flicks. I think my wrist is getting stronger everyday. But my arm, oh god. I wasn't on form yesterday. The shuttles seemed like they don't fly. My arm seemed stiff. My vision seemed blurry. I was probably very tired from assignments, journals. Reports.

There were ten of us, but the second court was only for an hour. It wasn't too satisfying. But then we went to the mamak at maboro. I followed ys to the place. Anndd yeah. We both drove. It was really a super lucky thing that we could park together, side by side, even at the court too. 1111. Such an easy number.

Life is good. Nilai food is bad. Idk what to say about the food. I'm speechless. They're bad. Nevermind, the important thing is the people. So from there I spoke to the boys, realized they're all actually little boys. Damnnn. So young. Only the committees and I, and hooi's partner were the older ones.

So the men singles champ was sitting on my left. The More I see the more he looks like a little boi. It's actually very easily identifiable. But that boy. Next to ys looks older I guess. Ys definitely looks old. Hooi's partner too. I guess I looked old. Younger girls don't talk the way I talk. Idk, there's just a difference. I'm talkative, but I talk with my brain.

They talked about previous president's shits. Oh so that is why he didn't like inti BC. Ys talked about singles with him last year. He said, they played three sets, and Ys won. Yas I definitely believe Ys beats him. Since the topic was there. I took my chance to ask. He said he have a polite wave. Nah ys was not the one that spoke to him.

Menshoe actually clarified it for him already. She said, he actually said to them "why did he even". There wasn't many mutual friends. In social media, only YS and... Hujung were mutual friends. Not hujung, not ys. Idgaf anymore.

Jon snow examined my arm, briefly. He said my right arm was freaking stiff. And I needed rest. Of course I needed rest. But rest is not enough to heal it. You know. Thrre must be programs. I don't think the one he gave me works anymore because the injure seems like it shifted a little. The angles that felt shitty aren't the same anymore. So I guess I need a trip to physio clinic. See what I can get. Maybe request for a rehab program. If it doesn't work I'd take the rest of their suggestion: to go for tcm. Fukkk. I'm scared.

Yes I have a choice. I thought it tru and I'm gonna do smtg. I swear. Baddy is love. Even if I lose a couple months of baddy, I should maintain the long lasting ability to play.

Is it worthy?
No. Two bags and rackets can't pay for my arm. Can't pay for my future. My love. Baddy kept me going, so I have the responsibility to keep baddy going too.

Updates.

Voices in my head conflicting each other, I don't even know what are they saying anymore. Part of me wants me to trust people again. Part of me says no, fuck them all.

Yes I think I'm considered "quitted drinking" right? Once ET was gone, drinking was gone too. Part of my tolerance probably remains, part of the cravings remain.
Yes I've stopped the treatment. I remember I wasn't really intentionally planning to stop, it was partly due to tests at that time. You know, I'm not a free person, I won't ever let myself be free. I'll always be super tired, many things to do, I'll always be rushing things. If there are fun stuff to do, I go for it, then I'll think about the work after that. It's how I make myself more content, less being alone thinking shit. So after all the tests, I wasn't going to be free. I'm never going to be free.

I was only free for you, but you never appreciated it.

What happened to me?

I trusted the wrong guy. I admit, feelings for him existed a little, but it died very soon. Guess these things can't last anymore like how it used to. In my opinion, I didn't think feelings were such important things. I thought being with a compatible person could at least ensure an existing future. I still think this way. But I was wrong at the part where I thought he was compatible. He wasn't. He was just playing. He thought I would never notice because of how dumb I was at my first. Of course, he was wrong. I never actually felt secured. I was at the observing stage. Shouldn't have accepted him that soon.

What happened to me? Nothing. Something happened, and I settled it, so now it's just nothing. I was more cruel to him than anyone else. I blocked him, removed him in anything, removed all his friends in fb. Cuz he fucking disgusts me. Feeling good? Don't. You disgust me too.

Invading privacy is to get the most accurate info isn't it? This is it. Invade, then accept the shits. I'm pretty sure you couldn't stand how I dissed you.

Did inti move me? No. I'm still at where I am. I'm enjoying my huge ass twin room by myself. I walk to class, using about 12 minutes, sometimes getting my calves all cramped up because I walk too fast all the time.

You did something wrong. I did something wrong too. It's not always your fault. It's my fault thinking that you changed. My fault thinking that second chances exist. My fault for being dumb for you.

You didn't have to worry about coach being pissed at you for not performing well. Do you think your arm could be worse than mine? Mine hurts when I tried to grab stuff from my bag without turning my body. It hurts even when I turned. I can't use my right arm for daily little tasks.  Are yours like that too? Coach is a reasonable person. Yes he knew we ended, I told him because I can't just pretend nothing happened, because he would continue to ask me to update him about you once awhile. Coach cares for his students, he'd care for your arm, too. He wouldn't be pissed, I'd be pissed for needing to look at your face. There's nothing we can do if you want to rejoin, there's nothing coach can do. You have your rights, and no one's in charge of you, no one's in charge of him. He'd probably advise you a little here and there regarding us, or maybe, your arm.

What racket am I using? The prince you sold me. And I guess I'm planning to try out the racket I won. I think of you all the time when I use your racket. You have a unique way. The things you gave me, I literally use them daily. I'll think of you but I don't think that's an issue, so I ignored that. But badminton was different. I love baddy, even tho it makes me think of you. I love baddy to the point thinking of you wasn't an issue. I barely use z force tho, it's memang too heavy. I only use that when my prince string snapped. My dad's fleet was too light, I can't. It has no power at all. The racket I won is apacs foray 70. It's pretty but Idk whether it's good or not. 4U, not super light tho, defensive racket. I think it might be suitable for me? Since I can't attack much anymore.

I love ignoring people. I reply many people in one word texts. I enjoy that because... Because I assume they're all flirty assholes. Boys are already shit, let alone flirty boys. So fuck them. But you. I don't like to ignore you. I fucking hate ignoring you, did you know? So? So what. What is it that I can do? Reply all? Be nice?

It's not always your fault. But this time, it's because you didn't bother to communicate. It goes both ways. But you showed that super annoyed tone every single time. It's not always your fault, but I should have the right to blame you on that. There was nothing I can do, except letting go. Think about it. You never wanted to tell me things. You kept everything in. You never trusted me. You didn't tell me so many things, I don't even know you after getting the info afterwards. So was that your fault? Did you think I'd care about your past? Maybe I'd be pissed for a period of time. But you knew, love is blind. I loved, completely. You knew I'd do anything for you, yet you didn't want to be truthful.

Do I look like a liar? Do I look like I'd cheat on you? Your true colours completely shown, and I was still with you. What can't I tolerate? You make me think about what I can do, everyday.

Or maybe I was too boring?
You could've told me.
So many things, you could've told me.

"Guess we're both mentally and physically damaged." That's a scary way to phrase it. I never thought I was damaged. What did I say? I was really harsh when talking about you. I needed to. I had to be harsh. If I talk like how I just wrote it during the day, what's gonna happen to my midnights? Daily breakdowns? It means suicide.

What is wrong with me.

I'm just tired. There's nothing wrong. I'm already back to normal. I do like many many guys. Not that kind of like. Maybe, have good feelings for people. I stalk. As usual, what dumb teens do. But I don't go for these people. I get to know people, and silently judge them. That's the furthest it can get I guess. I'm still more clinged to girls, like during baddy. There's only menshoe, so I stick to her. I'm scared of being too alone, so I sticked to her. Gosh I just noticed this. Holy shrt. She's cute anyway. So tiny and cute. Just saying. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm still being the talkative me, I go around having fun, but I do make sure I manage my grades. I tried to accompany my family during weekends, but still I went to have fun with peeps sometimes on Fri night. Mostly baddy peeps, as usual. But I barely drink.

That's the update.

I know he's not going to read it. But I need to type it. I speak to him a lot in my head. Sometimes in class, too. I have issues. But that's how he haunts me I guess.

Since he's haunting me in bright daylight, there's nothing I can do with the daydreams is it ?

If he ever comes back, will you accept back again?
Again itself already sounds super dumb. Again? I can't answer that question. Something tells me I'll be dumb for him. Something tells me, I'll always be dumb for this one guy. So no way. I wish he stays far far away, somewhere I can never ever see him anymore. I wish he disappears in just my sight.

I don't wanna be reminded that I do miss him. I miss how that feels like. Cuz when he didn't appear, I almost completely forgotten how to reminisce. I don't do that anymore. Actually it's all still there, just placed aside.

Am I actually moving on ? Yeah of course. I think. It'll be more confirmed if he doesn't show up anymore. Even if I'm pretending, which I don't even know. Fake it until you make it, right?

If it wasn't for you, I'd be doing music, somewhere far away.
If it wasn't for you, I'd not have all those shit things that happened.
If it wasn't for you, I'd not have moon, ET squad as friends.
If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have drank and got close with my sister.
If it wasn't for you, many things wouldn't happen.

So thanks for breaking up with me. Thanks for not loving me anymore since three years ago.

You didn't have to come back. You didn't have to phrase it all like that. You can't love anyone, admit it and live with it I guess. I believe that anything between us ended after the first time we broke up, which is precisely three years back.

It's alright tho, we wasted some time together, but it's fine. I wasn't good enough.

I don't even care whether he sees it or not anymore. It's my blog, and if I wanna write I will.

If you don't care, why do you ask. Why do you want to know? Why do you come? It makes no sense. I know, you're probably having an awesome life already, with someone you love, someone loving you. Why look back?

Do you see me as a student you used to criticize so much? Did you watch me play as the role of an old coach? What are you? What are you thinking?

You think I cheated. You made me decided on a permanent break. You get your perfect life while still peeking into mine. Why? What's the point? Makes no sense! It makes no sense.

It bothers me. Seeing you sitting there, bothers me. I'm sorry for your arm. I've thought it tru, I think I can adapt. If one day your arm is fixed, you rejoin training, and I will adapt with that. I will. Salty fish asked me whether it's okay for her to jio you and your brother to baddy at lavana. I said, no. But actually, I can adapt.

You know I have a soft spot for you.
You know I will never block you, or treat you like how you treated me. You know, I will always care. I remember punching the wall. I remember attempting to die. I remember thinking about jumping off third floor. I remember when it depresses me so much my body hurts, physically. No matter what you'll always be toxic to me. Friends or not, stranger, lover. I should block you to prevent myself from doing stupid shits. I deleted you everywhere to cut all ties. But you still appeared.

I thought my nightmares are all over. It's not. You'll be haunting me forever isn't it? If one day you break up, I'm pretty sure you'll come back talking like I mean the world to you. It'll be the most disgusting shit ever. I'm not thinking myself as what high shit. But you, you're shit. You played us all remember?

Can't believe you assumed I cheat. I'm not like you. When I say I will do it, I will. When I say I love you, I mean it. I'm not like you. liar.

When I say I will never let you back in my life, I mean it too.

It's been three months. We haven't see each other in three months. You appeared up there, watching the games.
You meant the world to me. No matter how much I told myself that "Everything is temporary", whatever I had towards you wasn't that temporary. Makes me wonder what I did wrong that you'd think I'm actually cheating. You accused me of loving moon too, while that wasn't the case. You accused me in so many things. Why? What did I do? What should I do to actually be trusted by you? You can't go around assuming everyone's cheating on you right? You can't just think everyone who loves you have an expiry date. Sometimes they don't, and you lose them because of your stupidity.

Fuck you.

I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

We say these things but do we mean it? I know about myself. I don't know about people.

I have a soft spot for certain people. Not many people, just a few. And that's the dangerous part. Some are evil people that take advantage of that soft spot. So in order to be safe, you gotta do something isn't it? You know people. You know they're evil. Stay rational and you'll see when they're approaching. You cut off any contact method. Cut them all off. Change your name, your add, your school. Fly somewhere he will never find.

It's not that easy.

I care. But it doesn't matter. I care, but he doesn't need that care, doesn't want it, which is why he was against it, which was why we turned out to be how life is right now. So why continue that care? Just walk away, far far away. Make sure you don't see it, you don't get reminded, so you don't even have anything to be concerned about.

I feel sorry about losing such thing. If I can't smash anymore, I'd kill myself. Maybe you losing your arm is just a temporary thing. And when you get it back, you'll rejoin training. And this duration, this break is what we needed to unhate each other. I'll forget about what you did. Your existence.

One day when you rejoin training, I'll pretend like I never know you. I'll never talk to you, I'll never look at you.

Yh don't be dumb. You've been dumb enough. He's not going to be back yet. I have my peace for now, and I'll enjoy that fully.

I thought it was jj from jws. The alcoholic guu who doesn't sleep. He literally texted me WIN OR LOSE at 2am midnight. I was already on bed, but I had to pee. So I went to my phone. It's the worst decision, gave me insomnia.

I don't love him anymore, but his messages was too unexpected. Made my entire body shake. I guess I really needed sleep. It was already odd for him to be up at that time.

I'm not like him, so I will reply properly, unless he pisses me off. I'm not like him, so I won't be an asshole like how he did.

But I definitely clearly told him that we should stay uncontacted. I shooed him.

There's that supee annoying one person who kept updating him about the comp. I wish I know who. Fucking annoying. Not Hujung, shandy's st john friend. Probably not ys, he's not like that, please I believe he's not like that. Then who? Idk. Fuck it.

He came with some breaking news tho.
His arm is currently probably just like mine. Maybe worse, cuz he can't smash, I can. I can lob too, just with pain. Poor thing. It's probably karma. Maybe that's how life works. When your love life got fucked up in the wrong way, you lose something important too.

My arm became like this after the first time we broke up.
His arm became like this after the second time we broke up.
It's a curse, nothing can be done. We're all badminton lovers, so our good arm is taken from us, as a punishment.

I felt bad. But I can't help it. He said he was gonna rejoin training if his arm was still good. I don't think he should come back at all. Such a prick.

Joining three categories, what were you thinking?

I was thinking, I was looked down on. I was told to be given up by everyone. I was told my level stays there and I will never improve. I was told, I was nothing. I want to win something. I want to prove to myself, I'm better than that, and you're just a fucktard with full of bullcrap. You think you know everything, but too bad, only kids do that.

This is the last time I'm replying.

I wish he gets all the worst comebacks, but get his arm back. I wish he fails in everything, but still able to baddy.

What is life without baddy? Nothing.

What is wrong with me? Mind your own shit.

We both want each other's arm to be fixed.

After three years of shit I decided to unmute my phone, cuz I stopped wanting your special notifications to pop up, cuz I guess I should start to treat everyone else better and not punish them because of you. And you popped up again? Making me want to mute them because I don't want to be bothered???
Two totally different reasons, same actions.
Fuck you.

Inti close day2

I haven't have time to post. I was busy.

This day, I was excited the entire day because I had foreseen the results: Five rounds, five wins. Two woman doubles, two singles, one mix doubles. I wasn't super sure about mix doubles, but I crazily highly hoped we could win. Guess what?

Hypothesis is accepted.

Gen ended early so we all were hungry. Ipoh girls agreed so we went out for dinner. Best decision. Then I went back before them because it definitely looked like it was starting to drizzle. And it did. I went back to hostel, drove to mph and it was just nice, half an hour before the match time. I stroked with mr soya and fucking hell my racket string snapped. It was expected to snap a day ago tho. It's a challenge. Using z force to compete. Do you know how heavy that racket is? Fucking heavy. Good thing it happened before any match, so I had time to get myself used to the weight.

The match starts with woman doubles. Cham and I wore the same T without planning. It's awesome. Ys got us a photo.  Day wasn't going too well, because I still had upsetting stomach. First doubles match was verses gek and ronan. It's an easy match. I don't say that they're bad, but they're full of mistakes. Sometimes their shots were actually nice. One match done, I walked back to hostel to get my forgotten bread.

Shortly after reaching the hall, our names were called, the second doubles match. Shit we weren't prepared. I was completely cooled down. Playing against vyho and menshoe. It was supposingly and easy match but we played three sets from losing the first. Omg. And deuced. Shame. Omg. Vyho was good. Hmm. Cham was good! Damn, her form was actually really good. Better than mine during the first set, as I was definitely off.

Singles with menshoe. It was expected. I played singles with her before. She was actually not too ok, but improved. Gosh she needs to learn footwork. I'm serious. She has the winning heart so she definitely can learn if she wants to. She has ys, a good coach.

Mixed doubles. Oh gosh. I went for a spray. This was intense. Guan's leg was hurt. My arm was hurt. We're handicapped. Dead. But determined to win. First round was a good win. My net shots weren't too on form at first but it got better. Second round, they attacked a lot. I actually started to play anxiously I guess. My shots were sooo fucked up, I usually hit to the wrong side and dragged guan to exhaustion. I'm so sorry. He was actually full power, I can feel it. He was never this good during our casual games. Deuced but lost. Haih. Third set, we some of my shots were actually good. Really satisfying. I kill better at the front. My arm was starting to listen to me. Good arm. And yaaaas we won. Gosh the satisfaction. Guan is so chubby. Ahaah.

Last game: singles with gek. I could actually give her under ten, but I didn't put in 100%, effort. It was too mean. We're friends. And my arm started to become super sore. Actually it was already super sore during the warm up, hey I'm using z force. What girl uses z force? I probably fucked my arm because of z force. I saw the former champ's gaze: towards our court. It wasn't just once. The former champ is a tiny sized girl, shorter and tinier than me. I'm already considered tiny, and there are tinier people. Wow. Haha.

Five wins, is five wins. Glad my predictions were right. However the rest of them lost. Guan's other games, cham's other games. In other words, they can focus on this last surviving category. Guan can focus on mixed, cham can focus on woman doubles. I will focus on all three, while thankful that they'll be super helpful being focus too, and have more rest. We're all injured people. I'm mad, so I guess I can manage all three. Yeah. I used to play six times per week, or five hours in a day, what can't I manage? I can do this.

Monday's goal is to defeat vyho in singles. If be a tough match. Former champ actually talked to me. She knew I got into semi, and she told me vyhoi's strengths. So she's pro, and she's friendly. That's good we can be friends. The worst thing is when people are good, but too arrogant to be friends. Former champ is cute and seems nice. Ok post done. Back to hw because sunday I must sleep enough.

Inti close day1

We won. I won. Both first rounds, done.
Mixed doubles, me and guan vs ginseng and gek. It's actually not an easy match because I know guan wasn't mentally stable, plus he had many matches before that. Plus ginseng played with me, he knew what I can do, what I can't, he knows my weaknesses, my injuries. It was nice that we won. The score weren't even close, we were much ahead. I think I did well, some mistakes but other shots were quite pretty? Ginseng wasn't in his top form I guess, Guan too tbh, because he sprained his leg. We all sprained our legs anyway. Guan's girl high fived me. Oh my. One of the goddess. Oh my. I'm flattering. I think I did well anyway.

For singles, I played against ronan girl. Ronan. She has okay lobs, but it was obvious she can't beat me.

Mr soya was really exaggerating when he saw me. Kept saying how I'm bullying. Hey, it's not my fault. I want to win.

It was a good day, seeing some dj peeps coming down to nilai just to play, or support. Chicken's squad. Even Valentine was here, to sleepover and support. That was nice.

It's good that Guan had his confident back. Today when I got back to my room, he said, we have to win the next round. We have to. Yes, that's the spirit. And he said he trusts my net shots. I trust my bet shots too. Who told me to have a bad arm? Net shots are my adaptations. I kill. Guan hurt his leg, but his spirit is back. Super glad.

Cham and frog (gonna make a nicer name for sonchow) lost their mixed doubles. But they looked fine, cuz they have other categories surviving. Cham has me. Froggy has himself and his guy partner. So Cham said, now she can fully focus on woman doubles. Which sounds really fine to me.

The competition went well because the draw was really boom. Lucky as fuck. Thanks to, YS was a really unpredictable organizer. Mixed doubles strongest team played against each other at the FIRST match. I liked seeing them killing each other, at the same time seeing their standards, knowing my opponents. Thanks to all the committees, working hard to let this competition happen. Menshoe said, so warm listening that. Haha.

She's really cute. She has the winning heart, but not the skills. While ys has the coaching heart, patience. Gosh I loved their friendship. Too cute. Tomorrow's games are confirm wins too, thanks to the draws. I know my opponents. I know myself. We'll do this.

But Connie, I don't think I can beat her. I'll see her at semifinals, then lose, then I'll get an ugly ass silver. I can foresee everything. Same goes to woman doubles. Connie and juny is a strong team. Juny is like a guy, oh my. No more champion. Haih. Unless I do my best, so much that I beat her during singles.

Singles is my last chance.

You know it's super normal when the older peeps from the squad showed a lot of concern. It's their age, it's their nature.

But you know it's not normal when they started to ask you out.

All these time you're telling yourself, no more drama during baddy, because the squad must maintain, and that's the most important thing. Even when you have slight feelings for any of them, shut your mouth, maintain the distance, keep thinking that they just wanna fuck.

They just wanna fuck.

The older they are, the higher the desire. Make sure you say no. Do you say no to movies and all that shits?

Jakon was being overly over recently. I liked him, as a friend. He's 26, old not too old, not young. He's mad wild. He's sweet. And that's the thing. When guys are sweet, there is an issue.

What happened to stop trusting?
Nothing happened. I didn't trust everyone.

Jakon doesn't know my story. He doesn't know about my past. He knew I'm aggressive, unkind. He knew I'm not a happy person. Honestly, everyone knows the outmost layer. I love badminton, and I do anything for badminton. Usually they tend to fall for the wrong things. If jakon is after me, what do I do?

He doesn't even know me, how can he be going after me? How do you explain the daily little texts?

I wish I know how to life. Idk how to life. What is life. One shit ends, the other wants to rise? I don't want jakon to become someone I hate. I don't wanna lose the sunday wild lavana team. It's the second team I had.

Remember what happened to ET when I let him in. Never trust. He might seem sweet, he's actually a monster inside. The manipulativeness. That's because ET knew too much. That's because I showed too much. Jakon knows nothing.

Never let them know what road you've been tru to make you you, cuz if they know, they can make you go towards them more easily. That's the most dangerous thing that can happen. Why am I worried? I can't even feel.

Baddy

Tofay I tried to lift my arm. I literally cried. I can't lift it. What's the use ? People aren't gonna believe me isn't it?

My standard is good for someone who's not representing uni or state or anything. My standard is good for a female badminton addict. And I'm going to play a lot this weekend despite how bad my arm is. Despite I couldn't lift it. And I'll rest for a couple of days, then there goes the competition.

I'm going to aim for a champion, especially for single. A category that depends fully on my performance. I wanna prove myself, my efforts pay. I want to know that all these training aren't for nothing, and I'm not as hopeless as he described. Yes his words doesn't mean anything. Coaches are supposed to find the weakness and target on it. Coaches aren't to praise.

What if I can't get my champion due to my arm?

I don't know. It's the worst when I first stroke. It feels worst when I start to warm up. How am I gonna go tru that shit?

Train more. People say, train more. I train, but my arm screams. After this competition, am I going to stop badminton forever? Or stop lobbing and smashing forever? Train my nets to be fucking perfect.

I used to think I have no consistency. I told my coach that I have an upcoming competition, and I can't lob. He was nice to me. He trained us on all the skills I need. 90% was on drops. Drops are my thing. It's how I win. And today when I dropped forehand, it was perfect. When I overhead dropped, I couldn't get a 20 streak. It basically means, I really need to work on overhead drops. It also means, once I'm good with one thing, I will maintain that. I dropped without mistakes for forehand drops. It's pretty cool.

When I trained with the twins, I almost thought, why am I so bad at this? Why do I make mistakes all the time? Maybe it's their problem. Maybe it's mine. But now I know how to overcome that. Makes me really happy. Haha.

Remember. Even if I can't lob and smash, I still can drop and net beautifully. I still can badminton, don't worry. Don't worry. It's sufficient. I can tap too, since that uses the wrist. I'm fine. I can badminton.

I have an incurable emptiness in me. And to stop that, I think about the things I shouldn't be thinking. It's so fucking annoying.

It's like... Exclude the times I play badminton, I never love life. Never ever. I question why I'm here, there, I question why I took biotech. I question why I'm doing things that make me wanna die. maybe it's normal, who likes assignments?

I'm a greedy person. I want to be social, I want a lot of baddy but I want to sleep, I want to eat, but I want a nice looking body, I want everything, and I also want to get to Presidents list. I want a 4.0, but I want everything that makes me so busy I can't even 4.0. sounds pretty content? Then why do I hate life. I'm being as social as I can, but not really, tbh. I get along with people, but it stays there. No further. This is definitely trust issue.

Friends are scary when you get too close. I can be close with girls, but how do you do that when most people around you are baddy addicts? It's hard to find female baddy addicts like me. They get tired. I get happy. We're different people.

Haaaih I should be doing my assignments. So annoying.

Wood

I know that you have my blog link. I don't know how you get it, and I don't know whether you'd be back here to read it. I'm sorry for being harsh in all the posts. I don't care about my wording since no one really read them. Don't worry about your image, cuz only my yip man reads them.

Despite any hate I have left towards you, I'm actually more thankful than anything else. Thank you for trying, for giving us a chance to test out being a lifetime partner. Thank you for being my first, making me learn so so much about how it's like being with someone. I seriously learned.

Thank you for being my coach, you made me me. Everyone's telling me I can play so well, I can be champion, my shots are so nice, blahblah, and you're the only one telling me every single mistake I made, you were teaching me to be a better player, and I play a lot of mixed doubles now, and I played well, thanks to you. You pressure me, you made me so stressful, you're the only one telling me how bad I play, how hopeless I am. Maybe it's how, it's how I improve.

The things that you gave me were the things that you knew how much I need them. You knew what fits me best. You knew what fits my life best. Coaching, motivation, even little things, fitgear, it's now my favorite jersey. My earphones. Little things, but they stay with me so closely, like I can almost feel your presence all the time.

People praised me for knowing how mix doubles footwork, how I should move in every shot. And all I could think of was... You taught me. Remember the mixed doubles competition in Nottingham? My worst game ever. If we join that again, you have no idea how much stronger we'll be as a team. Cuz you'll always be the strongest I know.

We've made mistakes all our lives. I shouldn't blame you for thinking that I was cheating on you. That was my mistake. I made you feel that way. I wasn't good enough. But know that you have your mistakes too. Know that you don't have trust in me, you didn't even want to bring it up for discussion. Communication is always so important, and you neglected that. Remember?

Of course, there's nothing we can do right now. Everything is already done. We've parted forever, we won't meet anymore, I won't find you, you won't find me. Don't blame shandy for telling me the stuff she told. She wasn't invading your privacy,bit involved me. She was a good person. Girls help girls. She knew how shitty you were, but she forgave you. Do you even have the pride to unfriend her? That doesn't sound like you.

Anyway. Pride is a thing. But is it worthy if you hurt people you love just for your pride? People who love you. You're a good person. You were just lost. And it's okay. People will say things. If you did things, how can you expect people to not say things??

Just know that I don't hate you anymore. Maybe you'll be a part of me until I die. Maybe I can't love anyone more than what we had, even tho... Idk if yours was real. Mine was. Know that you'll lose her if you don't trust her like how that happened.

I think it's funny I'm convincing you to trust the girl since I don't even think trust is a thing. Trust is bullshit. Hope you change for good, and stop being shitty for the people in your life. People leave you for reasons, and you gotta think about yourself, not what they did. Who cares about them? It's you. If they're shitty, you learn a lesson. You learn to not be like them, isn't it? Don't blame people, that's gonna make you shitty.
.
I'm not Calling you the name I put in the title. It's just for convenience if you decided to scroll my blog. That name, would grab your attention I hope. Don't worry I'm not gonna spread your shit rumors. People are gonna know that yh can play baddy well because of her ex. That's all, I guess.

I can assure the quality.
Such a bullshit.

What do you do if your ex invites you back to his baddy squad? Honestly it's fucking disgusting. You can pretend that nothing ever happened isn't it? So I'm making a fuss isn't it? Oh please. Yes, invite. I'm pretty sure you're expecting a rejection each time, if it still persists. I'm pretty sure you know that I don't wanna see your fuck face.

The thought of you was enough to haunt me during the day, I'm visiting a monster? You got to be kidding me.

Can you accept if I invite DJ BC president for baddy? And his brother.

No, I can't, I told her. I don't think his brother would be fine too. You let him down, now you wanna be friends? I know, you both had hardships in life. But you don't quit on someone. We don't quit on someone, it's wrong.

Why am I saying this?
I quit on that fuckface. But most people who knew about the story tells me it's the best decision. Nevermind then. I'm full of vengeance. So much hate in me. I thought I'm getting better cuz I'm treating guys nicer from my heart. But when I think of these things that happened, I hate everyone all over again. This is so hard. I need a psychologist. Haha.

I'm not going to loong squad this week, because fuckface is there. Inference: when fuckface is present, yh is absent. This gonna go on for the rest of my life. I remember wanting to burn down all his houses and his car. I remember wanting to kill him, how can I see him? Fuck off. Crisp asked me. Why ? I said, he got on my nerves for some reason. He said, why? I never properly answered him. He asked, did he touched you? I said no. What fuck no. Just quit it. Don't ever talk about it. We can just pretend like we never happened.

How are you gonna pretend when those are the shits you've been through? He went tru nothing. He caused me consequences, but nothing happened to him. Even when he payed me, that money meant nothing to him, he's earning sgd, he doesn't give fucks. He was never in pain and all shit, he doesn't even have to pretend like nothing happened, because it all happened naturally for him. Fuck him. Kill him.

Ok I think I'll hate more at the end of this post so I should stop.

Stop thinking about the people I shouldn't be thinking. Life was pretty content. Life aren't that fine, recently.

Screwing up assignments, tests, experiment results, it's not okay. That nine marks, I don't think I can get over it. Even the easiest subject, I didn't score it well. HOP has high expectations on me I can see that in her eyes. I let her down.

It all just means I need to work harder on my studies. It all just means I'm still not content enough. Too much entertainment maybe. I used to think, I don't study at home because home is where I stay too little time, I have to be with the people, especially grandma since she lost my sister. She's very lonely, and I have to be there for her. It's very tough for me tho. It doesn't work that way anymore. Even when I be with her, homework is definitely involved. I'll die if I leave them all aside. It's hard for me.

I'm so tired. I finally got a bit of sleep back. When she was here I was busy going out with her. When she was gone I was busy finishing the things I didn't do when she was here. When I finish those things, new things came like tsunami, with loads of tests, then again new assignments reports. Now just a little bit of scroll-pass, I'm thinking about the past? No no no can't let this happen. I don't have time for your bullshit.

I'm quite a vulgar person, I realized. From inti BC, each shot that didn't go that nice comes with a fuck. It's a really funny thing that menshoe thought I was cool cool cold and all. I was probably not in the mood. I was always not in the mood, tbh. What is life? Full of shits. It's an effort to be happy. But maybe during baddy I can't maintain a resting bitch face. I don't wanna look arrogant. I don't want people to be pressured playing beside me as my partner, I know how that feels. I'll cover them the best I can, but usually they still feel super nervous and bad for missing shots. I get that. So I must be super nice until some point, they will finally relax.

The competition is next week.
Cannon, huh. I want to get a champion for singles. It's now my confirmed target. I'll get my arm fixed after the competition. Life aren't so bad. We can smile, we can play monopoly and temporary forget about the Nine marks. We can eat ice cream during period. We can stop by in any shops for games and food just to avoid the rain. It's that chill isn't it.

He doesn't deserve any single slot in my mind. He doesn't deserve to be flashing by in my head. He'll rot in hell for torturing his new girl. It's October. Two months plus is definitely enough for you to show your shit colours. "No wonder why you don't have friends."

I need to completely let go tbh. It's not that complete, we all know that. He can't make me hit the wall, bite myself, kill myself. He can't make me depressed or any shit. But he can stay in my head lingering around, not causing much but it's annoying. So he has to go. Focus on studies, make him go. Come on.

If it wasn't because of the existence of baddy, it would've been the worst week ever. Nothing big really happened, it's just.... Nothing had been well. Nothing went well.

All the lab sessions, our experiments failed like fuck. Most of them turned out quite clueless. All the deadlines rushing up. All the tests hard like fuck. My nine marks gone just because of a small mistake. Everything wasn't well. It's such a tiring week. I think I can die.

My classmates were actually... Idk. They said I never acted this way after a test. Micro is giving me depression. I knew it was hard. I was scared even before test 1. How scary is that?

Everyone's distressed af.

I went for baddy despite all the tireness. It was worthy. I think, no matter how Much I study, it would turn out the same. Idk how to do. All application shit questions. What the hell is lalita thinking. Does she want us all to fail or what. A 4.0 is no longer possible. I don't know.

Haih it's the worst week. I have no words.

Inti BC

I actually asked ys. How do you know that guy? A physio guy, who's considered graduated. He asked me, does he has a nickname or smtg? I answered, "Sohai". It was the most appropriate nickname isn't it?

Ah this guy.

Canon? Pfft. YS beats him. I'm happy to hear that. People are confident on me getting champion for all three categories, but I'm not. We have that girl, and another girl. I might get bronze again for all three. It's distressing. If I don't get a champion this time, I don't think there are other chances already. It's not competitive, but it should be fun.

I have a test tomorrow but I went for baddy anyway. It was a good decision. The committees were off. We get to play. The opponent pair wanted to play with us. Of course I'm not gonna kill them here. It's too mean. I kill a little here and there, but mostly they kill themselves.

Today all of us were crazily starving. Idk why. We were like saying gosh I'm hungry in the middle of the matches. So then we went to eat ramlee burger. PJ still has the best everything. But maybe not the best people. PJ people are all probably corrupted. These new people, idk. Maybe I was a little too honest with them. Menshoe got my horoscope correct. Because I talk a lot, and all. I seriously dk how that works.

They asked me why I didn't join bc earlier. To be true, it's related to my ex. Everything is related. Love is blind. I make decisions that aren't that wise. Do I feel regret? Idk. But I like how the way life is right now. The committees live in the hostels too, except ys, living outside. It's pretty dangerous walking back that late at night, alone.

I'm probably thinking about the past a little more than I should, recently. Just because I saw his name, once. It's so easy to trigger me isn't it. I suck. My shots were so off. It isn't me.

I like how I play rn, tbh. I can cover people like a tiny bit. I can lessen the burden to guys when we mix. I can be the strong player in womans doubles. I can be the one people expect me to be a champion. The thing is, I never had a champion. And I dare not to expect that too. My arm aren't okay. My period should be on the way. My partner's a little too clumsy. What if I go for champion for singles??? It's a little tough for me. But... Idk. Haih. I'm so ready to win a category just for once. But from the past experiences, they're just telling me, it's a daydream.

Life is fucked up. You can love someone with all your heart, and can still be assumed to be cheating. You can study so thoroughly that you think there's nothing more to study, but your lecturer shakes his head at the end. You can hand in a journal with full confident, then getting low marks, not even a reason why. Idk.

Recently, only baddy's the thing not going too wrong. Sometimes I see menshoe's frustration, it reminds me of me. I used to be like that more frequently because I wasn't at my current level back then. It was reaaally frustrating. The mistakes. The bad shots. I never really know why. Now I know why. I probably wasn't thinking about where I should hit, how I should hit. Now I think, I aim. Usually if it's a wrong strategy, it's a lesson right away, not frustrating, but I guess I look forward more than anything. Maybe the competition wouldn't feel like a competition to me. I'll be really chill.

Menshoe said she thought I looked really cool at the beginning when I joined. Like I was hard to be with. Maybe I was hard to be with. Maybe, I'm getting better recently. If I'm really talking that much, it means, I should be getting better. Or is it?

Badminton is love love love

Today was a good day.
Maybe my caption was revealing too much, people are asking me what happened and all. Just like what the caption says, I unfriended them all due to their shitty friend. Hahahaha. Simple story.

I'm loving the inti bc committee squad. They're humble and nice, and we make a good mixed doubles practice. Jon snow wasn't that used to playing mixed, so he learns. And I, partnering him who doesn't know how to deal with mixed, learn too. Ys covers menshoe, he gets to run a lot. Then menshoe learns the most, cuz ys advices her. Gosh this team. Other than that, the rest are awesome too. There are two new girls. Newly discovered. I think I can beat them. But still it's really a happy thing, finding female squads. And another few, it'd be the vp aka mr soya, and ginseng. Perfect names. I remember I wrote here that I didn't know how to name him.

All is so fine! Sonchow's loving his partner, I'm loving baddy more and more. Mr soya aren't compatible to my playing style, then... Ginseng is a super good runner. His shots are hard to take, and he flies everywhere. Gosh. But it was a cool thing that mr soya and I beat ginseng and cham. Gosh so many names. Life is awesome. I'm happy. People are nice. Everyone is awesome.

Except my exes. HAHA. It's a funny thing I always wanted to ask people things, then when I see them, I don't remember to do so. I forgot to ask crisp what happened to ruby and whether he was fine. I forgot to ask ys, how well does he know that shit guy. They're asking me to come tomorrow. Should I? So tempting, but I have a tough paper on weds. So tempting...

The girls that were hesitating to join the competition were so.. omg. Idk what to say. I thought they were passing by and taking a peek in the hall. Sneak peek their upcoming opponents. But I guess they were watching our intense match. It was seriously very intense. My thighs were screaming. I don't usually play until my thighs tire so badly. Today, it did. Tired to the point I let the shuttle hit the floor even when it was just slightly farther. My thighs aren't that strong. They started asking whether I'm a state player. Whether I play all categories and all. Thanks for the worry. But I can never reach my goal I guess.

The best achievement is... When people see your name on the draw schedule, they get shook, and nervous. That's my goal. Being the name they fear. Haha. I'm still a little sad that the twins never corrected my skills, footwork. They could've made me a state player. They could've made me so much professional than how I am right now. They could've made me, came into inti using sports scholarship, which is fucking cool.

Haih. But whatever. The fun and all is real. The people are real. The concern is real. The fake stuff are all gone, now, life is perfect.