Updates.

Voices in my head conflicting each other, I don't even know what are they saying anymore. Part of me wants me to trust people again. Part of me says no, fuck them all.

Yes I think I'm considered "quitted drinking" right? Once ET was gone, drinking was gone too. Part of my tolerance probably remains, part of the cravings remain.
Yes I've stopped the treatment. I remember I wasn't really intentionally planning to stop, it was partly due to tests at that time. You know, I'm not a free person, I won't ever let myself be free. I'll always be super tired, many things to do, I'll always be rushing things. If there are fun stuff to do, I go for it, then I'll think about the work after that. It's how I make myself more content, less being alone thinking shit. So after all the tests, I wasn't going to be free. I'm never going to be free.

I was only free for you, but you never appreciated it.

What happened to me?

I trusted the wrong guy. I admit, feelings for him existed a little, but it died very soon. Guess these things can't last anymore like how it used to. In my opinion, I didn't think feelings were such important things. I thought being with a compatible person could at least ensure an existing future. I still think this way. But I was wrong at the part where I thought he was compatible. He wasn't. He was just playing. He thought I would never notice because of how dumb I was at my first. Of course, he was wrong. I never actually felt secured. I was at the observing stage. Shouldn't have accepted him that soon.

What happened to me? Nothing. Something happened, and I settled it, so now it's just nothing. I was more cruel to him than anyone else. I blocked him, removed him in anything, removed all his friends in fb. Cuz he fucking disgusts me. Feeling good? Don't. You disgust me too.

Invading privacy is to get the most accurate info isn't it? This is it. Invade, then accept the shits. I'm pretty sure you couldn't stand how I dissed you.

Did inti move me? No. I'm still at where I am. I'm enjoying my huge ass twin room by myself. I walk to class, using about 12 minutes, sometimes getting my calves all cramped up because I walk too fast all the time.

You did something wrong. I did something wrong too. It's not always your fault. It's my fault thinking that you changed. My fault thinking that second chances exist. My fault for being dumb for you.

You didn't have to worry about coach being pissed at you for not performing well. Do you think your arm could be worse than mine? Mine hurts when I tried to grab stuff from my bag without turning my body. It hurts even when I turned. I can't use my right arm for daily little tasks.  Are yours like that too? Coach is a reasonable person. Yes he knew we ended, I told him because I can't just pretend nothing happened, because he would continue to ask me to update him about you once awhile. Coach cares for his students, he'd care for your arm, too. He wouldn't be pissed, I'd be pissed for needing to look at your face. There's nothing we can do if you want to rejoin, there's nothing coach can do. You have your rights, and no one's in charge of you, no one's in charge of him. He'd probably advise you a little here and there regarding us, or maybe, your arm.

What racket am I using? The prince you sold me. And I guess I'm planning to try out the racket I won. I think of you all the time when I use your racket. You have a unique way. The things you gave me, I literally use them daily. I'll think of you but I don't think that's an issue, so I ignored that. But badminton was different. I love baddy, even tho it makes me think of you. I love baddy to the point thinking of you wasn't an issue. I barely use z force tho, it's memang too heavy. I only use that when my prince string snapped. My dad's fleet was too light, I can't. It has no power at all. The racket I won is apacs foray 70. It's pretty but Idk whether it's good or not. 4U, not super light tho, defensive racket. I think it might be suitable for me? Since I can't attack much anymore.

I love ignoring people. I reply many people in one word texts. I enjoy that because... Because I assume they're all flirty assholes. Boys are already shit, let alone flirty boys. So fuck them. But you. I don't like to ignore you. I fucking hate ignoring you, did you know? So? So what. What is it that I can do? Reply all? Be nice?

It's not always your fault. But this time, it's because you didn't bother to communicate. It goes both ways. But you showed that super annoyed tone every single time. It's not always your fault, but I should have the right to blame you on that. There was nothing I can do, except letting go. Think about it. You never wanted to tell me things. You kept everything in. You never trusted me. You didn't tell me so many things, I don't even know you after getting the info afterwards. So was that your fault? Did you think I'd care about your past? Maybe I'd be pissed for a period of time. But you knew, love is blind. I loved, completely. You knew I'd do anything for you, yet you didn't want to be truthful.

Do I look like a liar? Do I look like I'd cheat on you? Your true colours completely shown, and I was still with you. What can't I tolerate? You make me think about what I can do, everyday.

Or maybe I was too boring?
You could've told me.
So many things, you could've told me.

"Guess we're both mentally and physically damaged." That's a scary way to phrase it. I never thought I was damaged. What did I say? I was really harsh when talking about you. I needed to. I had to be harsh. If I talk like how I just wrote it during the day, what's gonna happen to my midnights? Daily breakdowns? It means suicide.

What is wrong with me.

I'm just tired. There's nothing wrong. I'm already back to normal. I do like many many guys. Not that kind of like. Maybe, have good feelings for people. I stalk. As usual, what dumb teens do. But I don't go for these people. I get to know people, and silently judge them. That's the furthest it can get I guess. I'm still more clinged to girls, like during baddy. There's only menshoe, so I stick to her. I'm scared of being too alone, so I sticked to her. Gosh I just noticed this. Holy shrt. She's cute anyway. So tiny and cute. Just saying. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm still being the talkative me, I go around having fun, but I do make sure I manage my grades. I tried to accompany my family during weekends, but still I went to have fun with peeps sometimes on Fri night. Mostly baddy peeps, as usual. But I barely drink.

That's the update.

I know he's not going to read it. But I need to type it. I speak to him a lot in my head. Sometimes in class, too. I have issues. But that's how he haunts me I guess.