4.0

I screwed up.

I remember I was actually happy when I got into Dean's list on first semester. Now I really hate myself for not getting into Presidents list back then. It was so much easier to get a GPA 4.0 compared to now. Even tho I successfully maintained my 3.5 above grade, I can't get a 4.0 in any single one semester. I was supposed to get it this sem. But I fucked micro test2. I thought it was easier???? It was illusion. Oh my god. I remember being so upset after micro test1, but obviously more relaxed in test2. Why was the outcome so different? I'm improving. I'm trying so hard to remind myself. I used to be the one that's reversely top ten in Balau. My worst grades were back then in form 5. But I'm rising. Ever since the last few months of form5, I'm going back up. Even in A levels. I did better than Spm. It's a miracle that I got into Dean's list. Stop pushing so hard. Why am I like this? It doesn't feel right. I don't think it's right to tell myself to stop pushing so hard. I have to push harder. I want to prove my capabilities. I wanna be a top student for once in my life. But it's so impossible.

I've overestimated myself. Well, a 4.0 is still possible. Just that I have to try getting 90% in finals, for micro. And make sure I don't fuck up other subjects. Is that possible? Yes it is. But it's so risky. But it's just one subject I just have to ace that and 4.0 is mine. Haih. Why did I do so badly in micro test2? Other subjects were either consistently good or improving. I'm honestly disappointed when I tapped in bb. So shocking. I hope she calculated wrongly. Haih. TT

I just wanna be a perfect person for once. Sometimes I don't even know whether it's a good thing. People have high confidence in me on academics. My classmates seek help from me because they think I'm one of the top, which is so far, partially true. In baddy, I haven't reach my target yet. Of course, which such arm, what am I gonna achieve? But still, I'm slightly on the path. People don't want to play against me. People might not know my name, but they don't want to play against me. How about social? My friends actually admire my straightforwardness. I will be open, true, honest with a big heart. They ask me for opinions. Menshoe's desperately convincing me to join the committee team because she thinks I have the capabilities and I'm responsible. I've rejected multiple times, but she's still trying. Should I go for it? I don't know. Family wise, my sister recently said "you've grown up!" I don't know why. I'm trying to be the good girl at home. I stayed down with my fam whenever I could, because we have so little time together. I don't think there is much I can do, but when I can do something, I'd do. I think, everything seems like it's on the right track. I'm being with people. I'm working well on academics. I'm trying to improve my attitude in life, facing everything. Not enough but still I'm doing it. I'm not afraid of not finding a job in the future. I have my qualities. People would want a person like me. And I am definitely super weird. Weird is different, and different is... Better than being the flock of sheep.

Am I perfect yet? No I'm not. But life seems quite content, even tho I have the time to daydream all day and consider getting things done, I think... It's still extremely tiring, because I still have emotions. I'm not capable of killing all feelings. I daydream because I overthink. I don't really get my days fucked up, but... I fucked up by wasting a loooot of time which I'm supposed to be able to do so much more than I'm already doing.

Life. There is no such thing as a perfect person. I'm in a clear state of mind, so that I realized many many things, why my ex left me the first time. Why things didn't work out after that but I became so much calmer than I was. Why ET played me. I now, know everything. You can try to be the perfect person, grow up faster and look at everything differently. And... There's nothing else to be upset.

I've did my best for micro. I'll work harder for finals. No such thing as giving up. If I could go from a student without ANY achievement, to have achievement in each aspect with a big smile, then what else can't I do? Some people think you're doing it wrong because if you're on the right track it would be hard, and you would suffer to the max while a smile is impossible. I call that bullshit.

Thing is, you can strive, but be happy at the same time.