Cool senior

I know I was clearly affected. Not completely showing, but I was affected.

I tried to avoid, to hide away, put aside things that I can't really put aside. I won't be able to put aside because that's life. So when he appeared out of expectations, I get everything triggered. It's very much triggered. I can't deny, I miss how things used to be even tho I tried to only remember the depressing parts. I really tried, you know? To remember the harsh words, actions, the shitty treatments, the self harm, the breakdowns, the pain. But that didn't work.

When I didn't try, the most neutral little things were more remembered. It wasn't exactly happy stuff. It's just... Little conversations, little things. No one else had ever told me to drink water every five minutes. No one had ever criticized me so badly to the point I wanna cry, but I wanna improve too. I can't remember how the encouragements were given, they were the most unique ones. The ones that no one have ever thought of. Little things. Even when there were nothing, I could literally smile to the thought of his smiles. I know it was wrong.

But maybe, it would be so much of a suffer if I didn't keep insisting on how wrong these are. It's okay to reminisce. It's okay to not let go completely. We don't unlove someone overnight. We rant to the max because we want to be mad instead of broken. We want to be angry and it would have passed much easily compared to being broken. Maybe, if I try to accept a friend back, it wouldn't be so much of shit.

I've always told every single broken people, don't think. Don't think so much.

Maybe I was wrong. Baddy helped with the distraction, but clearly I was doing it all wrong. I remember too well, I kept trying to get distracted, and it all went haywire. I remember it too well. And I was always running away.

Everything is temporary. But this feeling is not. It's been so long, but how much has it decreased? I don't even know.

It's important for us to realize what we need. I left him because, I knew that being together would hurt both of us, on and on. I left for us both to smile better, and it happened, right? So the purpose was achieved. It was a necessary decision. It was a good decision.

I'll take that offer, maybe he can find the way to heal my arm, and make everything back to the beginning, like how we all used to be, but improved and better.

Back to when we were all happy without needing each other's company.
Back to when I could play baddy without pain.
Back to when I see him, he was just the extremely motivating, admirable cool senior.